My Best Birthday Present Today - My 'School Report' by Caitlin

This is the best present I could have wished for.  For a laugh, I asked Caitlin to write my school report, knowing that Year 2 pupils have just gone through their first official assessment.

Now I know I'm not perfect (by miles!) but this is a great reminder to mums everywhere that sometimes (in fact probably most of the time, we're not doing anywhere as badly as we think).

Here's what she typed herself.

My report about mum

The things  I like about mum is ..
she makes me and Ieuan the best meals and
daddy does as well.
she gives me the best cuddles and daddy.she's the best
in the world.

Like I do she LOVES the colour purple and pink .
And absolutely loves posh jewellery like clogau
and pandora in saint david shopping center 2.

I love mum, she is beautiful & gorgeous!

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51 tomorrow.

I'm 51 tomorrow.  51.  I can't quite believe it.  I honestly don't know where it's gone.  Here I am shuffling towards God's waiting room when I want to push the barrier of the emergency exit and make a run for it.  Yes, my friends.  Allow me a moment of indulgence and wallowing.  

For all the talk about empowerment, about owning your age, about it being the best time of your life, sometimes you have to face something else head on.  Fear.

Oh yes.  You can create bucket lists of such architectural magnificence the Pharoahs would weep. You can admire our theatrical dames for their talent, pluck and refusal to never quite give in.  "We are such stuff as dreams are made of" said Shakespeare.  Are we?  Or rather are we the composite of the chaff and roughage of our remaining dreams?  A collection of the memories of the things we did not do.

50 was going to be a major turning point.  Despite the fact that marrying at 45 and having kids at 43 and 45 could be considered such an event, I was going to morph into a healthy eating, exercise loving, slightly less robotic version of Sadie Frost.  The leggings were going to be replaced by chi chi retro 50's dresses.  I was going to wander round the house dressed like Dita Von Teese eating chocolate ginger thins and demanding prosecco for breakfast.

Why do people write bucket lists, anyway?  Because it's not about the material things, is it?  It's about the experiences.  Material things don't have fear attached.  Swipe your card, feel the buzz of the purchase, grab a coffee and chalk it up to the safest form of adventure we humans have come up with.

But do something out of your comfort zone that would really stretch you, test you and terrify you, there, unfortunately for us cowards, is where the experience is.

Sometimes I watch Caitlin and Ieuan playing and I am consumed with a strange envy and grief that is almost too much to bear.  They have the whole world opening up before them.  Endless summers watching the sun sparkling on the sea for so long their eyes go blurry.  Sand between their toes and just that sense of utter freedom.

These feelings wash over me like a seasonal high tide.  They come and they go and then I get a grip and recognise that I may make a century.  51 is no longer old and many have not had the privilege to enjoy the years I have.  My life has been relatively unscathed by grief.  There have been no great tragedies.

I think it is the crushing weight of my own expectations which I need to, finally, put down.  I'm not ready for Jam and Jerusalem.  But on the eve of my 51st birthday, I need to put some sweetness into my daily life.

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Motherhood & The Acid Test - Junior Monopoly

So, it being half term and having been majorly guilt tripped about "playing on my PC" (or blogging), I duly got the Junior Monopoly out for a session of warm, fuzzy parenting.  You know the sort.  The kind of selfless, emotionally giving and life affirming mothering Mrs Walton managed to emit just by tidying her plait.

It started well enough.  Colours were chosen, the excitement of being given money registered and the hope that you actually get a 'chance' card which pays you was lit large in their hopeful hearts.

All was going sweeter than a Werthers' Original advert until Ieuan thought he'd missed a go (he hadn't) and retired to the sofa in tears.  Caitlin and I soldiered on.  Eventually, when it became clear I had amassed a Murdoch style property empire and Caitlin was left with a pound, Ieuan's gleeful chortle that Caitlin was going to lose meant she, too, dissolved in tears.

This is Ieuan's Monopoly Face.

I found myself reflecting, rather gloomily, that all my attempts to create a maternal nirvana seemed doomed to failure.  Some mums make it seem so effortless.  They exude patience and cheerful stamina in the face of tantrums.  I find myself occasionally having a tantrum which surpasses those of my kids when things don't go well.

One dreadful occasion, which I am still ashamed to recount, was one of our first bonfire nights as a family. We went to the local rugby club and I kid you not, as soon as the first rocket was launched, both kids had a meltdown and begged to leave.  We returned to the car in procession with me, absolutely fuming, stomping along at the front and Mat and the kids dragging their heels behind.  To my eternal shame, I believe at one stage I even refused to hold Caitlin's hand, even though she had no clue why I was so cross.

The fact is that they were probably too young for such an event, but the pressure to create 'perfect family moments' is so huge for us mums (and particularly us older mums who feel we have less time to get it right), that we put enormous pressure on our family - and on ourselves.

Yup - Another Hobbis Family Outing (digitalspy.co.uk)

So no, I should not have amassed a raft of properties on the junior monopoly board and let the kids win.  But then, what is that teaching them?  I should be sensible and not expect every family outing to be like the opening scene of "Little House on The Prairie" with the kids bounding happily through the meadow and Ma and Pa Ingles shining with love and happiness in the background.

But I can't quite let my fantasy go.  Can you?

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Playing Princesses With Caitlin

This morning, Ieuan went to his best friend's birthday party (dressed as Ironman for a change) and I stayed home with Caitlin. She announced she wanted to 'play princesses'.

It's funny isn't it, but we often forget that all our children really want to do is spend time with us; to have our undivided attention.  This is particularly important when the second child arrives and arguably more so when you have one girl and one boy.  Ieuan is lost in a world of superheroes and girls are woefully under-represented in the superhero department, save of course Bat Girl and Wonder Woman.  Playing princesses is something Caitlin rarely gets to do.

Now that I am in my 50's I have to confess that my princess days may be somewhat behind me and now that the distance between girlhood and womanhood is wide, play of this sort requires quite a bit of role play and memory retrieval on my part! This is one of those aspects of late motherhood you don't take into consideration.  But it's important. We teach our daughters to be women, don't we?

So we got out our dresses and my wedding tiara, which Caitlin has been coveting and played dress up.

This is, apparently, what Caitlin wishes I dressed like every day.  I love the world of a young girl where there are no bars to wearing tiaras whenever you feel it.  It's a bit of a shame, isn't it, that the pressure to conform makes some of us so uncreative with our dressing (and, admittedly, lazy!).

In amongst the talk about dresses and jewellery, confidences were shared and questions asked that would not have been mentioned if the topic had been raised directly - how old was I when I had children, what happens when you get old, will she have to move far away if she gets married. Questions shyly asked in a quiet space where the answers were thoughtfully received and digested. Usually,  it's a struggle to get much acknowledgement at all.

And really, how much time do we have for shared moments like these?  Our children don't grow up so much as sprint away from us it seems.  I will make sure that I spend far more one on one time with both my kids because, no matter how well you seem to know them when they play together, it's the time spent with them as individual people that I think may pay the greatest dividends.

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Silent Sunday / My Sunday Photo - 24/05/2015

Ieuan's growing up.

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Hey Prezzo - Much Pasta, Pizza & Colouring

It being the first day of Half Term, we decided to combine birthday present hunting with lunch in one of our favourite eateries, Prezzo in St David's Shopping Centre, Cardiff.

This is, like my other food reviews a completely independent post. I always think that eating out with kids can sometimes be quite a testing experience and many UK restaurants are either not the biggest fans of children or are poorly equipped to meet the needs of families.

So since I like to share my experiences with you, here goes.

This particular restaurant is not the biggest but it is well set out and has a roaring pizza oven at one end. This does make it rather warm.  We were sat on a seat where the table had to be pulled out and pushed back once the kids were ensconced so getting up to go to the loo (yes the kids have inherited my bladder) meant much getting up and down and moving the table.

Prezzo have a well thought out children's menu with three courses and a drink for £6.50.  (Pizza Express' Piccolo Children's Menu is the same price).  Prezzo's children's menu comes on a double-sided puzzle sheet so that the kids can colour and do puzzles to (hopefully) keep them occupied and quiet.

Caitlin and Ieuan started with the Mini Garlic Bread without mozzarella.

The kids' Mini Garlic Bread

It was a generous portion which despite looking rather lonely on the plate, was hot and very tasty.

Mat and I shared a starter of Bruschetta (cherry tomatoes, basil, red onion, pesto and garlic on a baked flatbread) which came as a generous sized portion and incredibly fresh.

The Bruschetta

For their main course, Caitlin chose a Grilled Chicken Salad and Ieuan had Cheese & Tomato Pizza with Pineapple. We were all amazed at the portion size which would have, frankly, suited an adult with a smaller appetite.

Grilled Chicken Salad from the Children's Menu

Cheese & Tomato Pizza from the Children's Menu

Mat chose the Chicken Ravioli with Pancetta, Leeks and Peas in a Carbonara Sauce, which he said was delicious.  Prezzo make their own pasta and hand fill the ravioli.  Everything is cooked fresh, rather than zapped to death in a microwave (a pet hate of mine).

Chicken Ravioli

I had the Vesuvio Pizza (Light) which has double pepperoni sausage, red chilli, mozzarella and tomato.  It came with a fresh mixed salad and dressing.  The pizza base is a flat bread which makes a refreshing change from the standard pizza base.

The Vesuvio Pizza

It is not as hot as Pizza Express' American Hot but extremely tasty nonetheless.  After this, Mat and I were so full, it was just coffees for us but the kids managed an organic fruit lolly each.

Caitlin with her Organic Fruit Strawberry Lolly

Ieuan's usually a little angel - once he's been fed!

Our bill (which also included one glass of wine and a beer) came to £58 which we thought compared well to the other chains.

The staff were very pleasant and friendly.  The restaurant and toilets were clean and we felt the food had a nice, home-cooked feel.  Definitely recommended.

Further information at www.prezzorestaurants.co.uk.

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My Hearing Loss: I lost my consonants & I've trouble with my vowels

It's funny, isn't it, that we think nothing of wearing glasses (well, I do, as you might have read HERE) but hearing loss is a completely different issue that seems to be rarely talked about.

About three or four years ago I went for a routine ear clean at the University Hospital of Wales (I actually have a loyalty card for that hospital now), and was given a hearing test which showed I had early onset deafness - mild to moderate hearing loss at mid frequency in both ears.  To say I was horrified at being diagnosed with a hearing impairment is an understatement.

http://www.photl.com

I could not believe it, despite the fact that I had been wearing glasses since I was 11, setting a precedent for my body's ability to have one or two slightly ropey bits.  I was offered one hearing aid to try and I remember feeling quite tearful.  A few years later, I have two hearing aids, largely to help with the additional irritation of tinnitus.

My mother, whose own mother was one of 12 children, helpfully volunteered that one of her many cousins had "had a bit of trouble with their ears".  She was, sadly, unable to recall the cause, or the degree of the problem.  My paternal grandfather was also quite deaf but this may have been a result from fighting in Burma in World War I.

My tendency with any medical complaint is to seek not only a diagnosis but the actual, undeniable, set-in-stone cause (paging Dr. Google!).  As I get older, I realise that things just happen to our bodies. That's life.

I have to confess that I am still in denial and that I wear them my hearing aids intermittently.  The difference is a bit like switching the world back on.  It's amazing how much you miss when you can't hear - the little pleasures of life which are so easy to take for granted.

- birdsong
- rainfall
- a cat's purr
- the hiss of a coffee maker in a coffee shop
- the tones and additional melodies in music
- TV dialogue which is either too quiet or drowned out by backing music

Worse than these, and why I will get over my reticence of wearing the damn things is that I had forgotten the true volume and pitch of my children's voices and the sound of joy in their laughter.

Deafness at my level is an irritation.  When I go to a pub (minus my hearing aids) I have to sit next to my friends to hear them or directly opposite to lip read.  I am always telling the Husband off for trying to talk to me whilst looking out of a window.  We are like a comedy double act (me:  "can't you speak up, you know I'm deaf", him: "put your bloody hearing aids in!!!).  It's not unlike one of my favourite episodes of Fawlty Towers with the deaf Mrs Richards where she refuses to wear her hearing aids because it runs the batteries down.

I find that I can hear the vowels in a sentence fine.  It's the initial consonants I completely miss. The brain, being quite clever (well, not mine necessarily but you know what I mean) spots the gap and fills it for me - with something completely random.

"you want to see that jelly gone?"
"No, mum I want the telly on"

"You want to have a rhubarb crumble"
"No, move those shoes in case Ieuan stumbles".

You get the picture.  It's like a highly dysfunctional episode of Countdown.

In all seriousness though, I can see how totally isolating deafness must be.  But I also understand how difficult and frustrating it must be for loved ones.  We need to think a little more, I feel, about how we treat those with hearing problems. We need to develop the patience to listen to them, to explain ourselves, to adjust our volume.  Otherwise the person suffering the hearing loss feels like they are existing in a huge ocean, where everything is muffled and they are left behind like seaweed on a rock abandoned by an ebbing tide.

So yes,  I need to wear my hearing aids.

The flip side of this is that we need to be so much more careful with our own hearing and teach our children how to protect theirs from noise induced hearing loss.  I used to listen to a Sony Walkman far too loudly.  I used to listen to my stereo by lying on the floor with my head between the speakers. I didn't go to too many gigs but I went enough to come out with my ears ringing.

I cringe when I hear people drive by with their car radios blaring or, more commonly these days, people on their car phones with the volume up so loudly you can hear the entire conversation.   I'm uncomfortable at the trend for children's discos (where I find the music too loud)! I can't believe, either, how loud the volume in cinemas is. I'm told that damage is mitigated by the use of surround sound but I don't believe it.  Read the Tinnitus boards on Facebook and you will find that many, like I do, carry artists' (musicians) ear plugs at all times to protect their ears.

One of the articles I read recently claimed that the number two problem for military personnel returning from war zones (after PTSD) was tinnitus and hearing related problems. Nothing in my league, of course, but an indication of how soul destroying unmanaged hearing loss can be.

If you think you need your hearing checked, I would suggest you talk to your GP first.  There are also many places where you can get a free hearing test - many opticians offer them now.  There should be absolutely no stigma about wearing hearing aids, as there is none about wearing glasses any more. You will be amazed at how much you may have been missing.

If you have any questions about my experience, feel free to tweet me or email and I'll answer as honestly as I can.

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