Not Just Mum: Staying You When You Become a Parent

Becoming a parent changes your life. There's no getting around that, and you're not going to be exactly the same person again. A lot of people will pledge to never change or to be cool parents, but they soon discover it doesn't turn out that way. However, just because being a parent changes you, it doesn't mean you have to become someone else entirely. And you certainly don't have to be just a parent. Many mums worry about losing themselves when they have their first child and becoming nothing but a mum. Even though being a mum is part of your identity, you don't want it to be your entire identity. A new baby (or an adopted older child) can be all consuming, but you can still hold onto who you are.

Keeping Up Your Social Life

One of the things that are immediately at risk when you become a parent is your social life. And it's one of the worst times to lose it. Being a new mum can be lonely, especially when leaving the house can be a struggle. When you become a parent, keeping up with friends who aren't parents can be difficult too. There are places you can't go to anymore, and they might not enjoy spending time with your child all the time. A large challenge of maintaining your social life is simply finding the time to see people.

So what can you do about these things? How do you stay in touch with your friends and spend time with them now you're a parent? One thing to keep in mind is that it's a good time to find out who your real friends are. While you should make an effort to continue being a good friend, your friends also need to be understanding of your new situation. You might find yourself getting closer to fellow parents. Another thing to think about is getting time with just your friends - no baby in tow. It gives you time for yourself, and your friends get to see you without everything being about kids.



From Public Domain Pictures (Petr Kratochvil)

Making New Friends

Becoming a parent can mean that you lose friends, or that the dynamics of your friendships change. It's a good idea to consider finding new friends, not just who are parents but who share your interests too. Your new friends won't necessarily even be parents, but they're friends you make when you're a parent, which can make a difference. It's sad when you lose touch with your pre-kids friends, but if you're at different stages in your life, it's perfectly natural. New friends could fit into your life much better because you're not trying to change existing relationships to fit.

Continuing Your Career

Continuing to build your career becomes tough when you're a parent. If you take time out of work, it can take years to get back to the same point in your career you were at pre-children. Having kids can affect how easy it is to grow your salary and reach more senior positions, and unfortunately, it affects women much more than men. If you have hopes of continuing your career on the same path, there are lots of things you'll need to do.

One essential thing is to know your rights at work when it comes to parental leave. If you look at http://www.elliswhittam.com/anatomy-of-a-maternity-leave-policy you can see what sort of things need to be in a maternity leave policy. You also need to think about how to balance parenting and work. One thing to consider is whether it's you doing all the "balancing", or if your partner has to compromise too. Who leaves work and picks the kids up from school if they're ill, for example?




From Flickr (Batle Group)

Have Time to Yourself

Getting time to yourself is important if you want to keep your identity as an individual. It gives you time to enjoy hobbies, or just to relax and get some peace. To get some time to yourself, however, you need someone to look after your child. If you're sharing parenting duties, you've got someone who can help right away. If not, you might have family members or friends who can help out. If you want time to yourself, it does sometimes mean having to face anxiety about leaving your child with another person. It can be hard, but it's also healthy. Time on your own could be at home or out of the house.

Becoming a mum doesn't mean you have to lose yourself. It does change you, but you can still be an individual, as well as a parent.

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Isn't Time The Ultimate Birthday Gift?

Readers of this blog will know that I am hopeless when it comes to choosing birthday gifts for myself.  This is largely because, once you're a parent, your first thought is more likely to be about replacing worn out kids' trainers than treating yourself to a manicure.

As you get older you also acquire an appreciation of craftsmanship and quality which become more important that the current fly-by-night brand or trend.

I've probably inherited a parsimonious streak from my dad whose prime consideration when buying anything is "whether it will see him out".  Not particularly cheerful, but eminently practical, as I'm sure you will agree.

Another consideration is the fact that by the time you get to your 50s, you have most things, in fact almost everything you need.  That doesn't stop us from longing for a little bit of luxury.

"Fashion passes, style remains" - Coco Chanel

There are, though, some things that have been on my personal wishlist for a long time.  I was lucky enough to be given a Louis Vuitton Alma bag for my 50th by the Husband, but I have always had a hankering for a Rolex watch.

My late grandmother, Jessie, had a Rolex dating from the 1930's which is one of my dad's treasured possessions, and a pretty special family heirloom.  I would be perfectly happy with a pre-owned Rolex from a company specialising in second hand watches to hand down to Caitlin in many years to come.

As you get older you certainly come to treasure your time and I think its natural to create special celebrations and little rituals to mark its passing. The years seem to pass quicker and quicker.

"I think the older I get, the more I realize that the ultimate luxury is time." -  Michael Kors

Time has a special resonance for me since I had my kids in my forties and am aware that I might not have as much time with them as younger mums.  I obviously wouldn't change them for the world but I do think the experience of an older mum is different somehow.

I also prefer a perfume which is a little out of the ordinary such as Guerlain's Mitsouko (which means mystery in Japanese) and was created in 1919 . It is a Chypre fragrance with notes of peach, jasmine, may rose, spices (cinnamon), oak moss, vetiver and wood. It is a world away from lots of the synthetic, me-too fragrances currently on the market.

And of course as a massive Agatha Christie fan, I'd love a full set of Agatha Christie novels and a trip to see her holiday home near Torquay - Greenway, now in the safe hands of the National Trust.  You can even get there by steam train or boat.  How romantic is that?  I will be hinting largely to the Husband.

Sometimes a cuppa in bed in the morning is all you want

But ultimately, whilst our things may give us pleasure, it is memorable experiences which stay with us and I am sure that for most mums a special snuggle from their kids and a cup of tea in bed means just much as a glitzy present.

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On Being 52

Firstly, that number.  It bears no relevance to me at all - at least in my mind it doesn't.  It is an age other people are at.

And yet.  And yet.

I look in the mirror and the tell-tale signs are there.  A little more jowly, the hair adopting a frizzier attitude.

I hide the grey.

My hearing is caput and my eyesight strangely improving.  I joke with my optician that by the time I reach my death bed, my vision will be 20/20.

But.

This is all top secret because nobody these days is allowed to age too loudly.

Oh, you can be a fashion guru like nonagenarian Iris Apfel and take the streets of New York in mismatched geometric prints.

You can out-sass all the Millennials with their grim determination and glossy hair by wearing an improbable hat in a fast food restaurant.

The elephant in the room, though, is large, greyer than you are and trumpeting very quietly.

We have to keep our brain alert.  We have to eat oily fish.  We have to fight dementia.

We have to deny our bodies and, in equal measure, pretend the poor treatment and all-out grief we've given them over the years didn't happen.

My dentist gently said to me, as I moaned about my twanging gums, that "you have the teeth of a woman of your age'.

The truth is that staving of ageing is exhausting.  Weight-bearing exercise, power-walking, greeting the dawn like Maria Von Trapp on acid.

Frankly, I am the human incarnation of grumpy cat before 10 am.

And then there's the menopause.  Or at least I think there is.

You never really know do you?

It lurks around like a suspect in a poorly produced amateur crime drama, threatening to reveal itself and then fluffing its lines.

I recently had a blood test and when doctor's receptionist phoned through the result she said  "You're menopausal" and then "welcome to the club".

What did Woody Allen say?  Oh yes.  "I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to be a member".

Quite.

The thing is, we're all living longer and longer.  So, 52 isn't that old any more.

And we're expected to be bloody grateful because we're alive - and so, I admit, we should be.

Life is what happens when you're making other plans as the saying goes.

I feel I am at a half way mark and need to plan the second half of my life.

I had my kids at 43 and 45 so they will form a large part of that.  I'm hoping I'm around long enough to be a grandmother.

So while most of the time I take strength from the bevy of older celebrities whose names are part of the warp and weft of the longevity tapestry (Mirren Dench, Moore, Thurman, Brinkley...), being 52 does mean you have moments of thinking -

Bloody hell I'm getting on a bit.

We all need an occasional moment to admit that.

We all need some time to embrace the fear.

You know, I think you can trace quite a bit of anxiety and depression to our denial of this fear of the end.

Our ancestors just 'got on with it' though, didn't they?  Our lonely worrying sessions pale into insignificance by simply watching the nightly news.

The problems of the many far outweigh our individual existence on this ball of dust hurtling through space.

This is probably why so many of the self-help gurus promote the concept of 'contribution', of giving something back.

It's another way of trying to find meaning.

I wish I could be more religious.  Those who have faith truly have a gift.

But something created the world, didn't it?  Something was there first and, I like to think, something intelligent.

I guess we'll all do what we usually do.  Sigh, drink more coffee, open another packet of biscuits and reflect that whilst perhaps life hasn't always dealt us the best hand, with a little hope, medicine and belief, the forthcoming years might be full of adventures.

The answer to our midlife malaise may simply be to embrace the power of gratitude.

Because after 52 years, I certainly have a lot to be grateful for.

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10 Life Lessons I've Learned From Candy Crush Saga

We all know how addictive crushing candy is but if you’re looking to, ahem, justify the doubtless hours of investment you’ve put into trying to get that little plane to fly you to the next level, here are 10 life lessons you can say you’ve mastered.

I'm hoping this will stop the Husband and my sister from berating my fecklessness but my hopes aren't too high.

1. Collaboration gets you there faster

If you play the game via Facebook (or connect your app to Facebook on a tablet), you get to send and receive lives and moves to and from your friends. I strongly suspect I’ve got new Facebook friends solely for them to get Candy Crush lives.

2. Play on more than one platform

If you play Candy Crush on a desktop and then on a tablet or phone, you get a whole new set of 5 lives.

You don’t make chances in life by staying put now, do you?

Bloggers, Marketers and Social Media Managers all know that widening your bases brings in dividends.

3. You need a strategy

It took me a while to realise this (d’oh!) but there is a specific ‘key’ to getting through each level. Each game is like a mini logic puzzle you need to figure out.

Just sitting there clicking those computer keys is going to keep you there a very long time.

And if you need some strategic help (it's not cheating!!!),  this is my favourite, um, online resource.

4. Sometimes you need to slow down to speed up

And before you start clicking, take a short while to take a good look at the level – where do those bombs come from? Where do those cherries and nuts fall out? Do you really need to get rid of all that jelly?

As the Husband frequently says in an exasperated tone - "you need to look at the bigger picture".

5. Sometimes you’ve just got to invest

My family tell me buying boosters is outright cheating. I disagree. Sometimes you need to invest a little to achieve your goals.

Note, I said a little. No point investing if you haven’t got a strategy.

So yes, I have purchased some lollipop hammers. Go me.

6. Practice Makes Perfect

To master anything you need to practise. I appreciate mastering Candy Crush may not be a particularly noble goal but it’s the principle, isn’t it?

The kids are already Minecraft professionals and you have to keep up with your kids in some form, don't you?

7. Boasting is annoying

I never click the ‘share’ button to announce I’ve reached the next level or beaten one of my Facebook friends.

For a start, announcing you’re spending your time crushing Candy is often frowned upon and nobody likes a smart alec.

I accidentally clicked the 'share with your friends' button once and the social shame stung for weeks.

8. But competition is good

On the other hand there’s nothing wrong with wanting to become champion of each episode. When you can see your friends are numerous levels ahead of you, don’t you just want to get ahead of them?

There's no liberal namby-pamby two inches behind you soothing "oh well you gave it your best shot and it's the taking part that matters".

Nope.  It's Candy Crush or Level Fail.  Deal with it.

9. Watch your ‘bombs’ but don’t rush to explode them.

Sometimes you can waste loads of moves only to find that the bombs detonate themselves on a move of the candy conveyor belt.

In the same way sometimes problems resolve themselves without you having to waste your time and energy.

The trick is knowing when you need to detonate and when time will sort a problem out for you.

10. ‘Me time’ is good

I find Candy Crush incredibly relaxing –although the Husband says I’m usually shouting at the screen and cursing the invasion of chocolate.

Still, there are no calories in Candy Crush and it’s a very cheap hobby – as long as you keep your fingers off the buy booster buttons.

I like to think it gives my brain a work-out and one thing’s for sure, when I’m crushing that candy I’m not worrying about my tinnitus or the list of tasks I have for my blog.

So do you play Candy Crush? Could you send me a life and 3 more moves please?

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A Hobbis Family Halloween

We love Halloween and this year it was made all the more special by seeing the burning of The Wicker Man at St. Fagins (National Museum of Welsh Life) on the Sunday.

When the wicker man burns you are supposed to make a wish and the crowd were asked to scream as loudly as they could to repel evil spirits for the forthcoming year.

I love decorating the house and the kids were on red alert for trick or treaters but this year we only had 2.  I know lots of people really don't like this tradition - particularly since it can be scary for the elderly, younger children and pets but it is nice when you find fellow Halloween enthusiasts!

The Husband and kids did a great job of the pumpkins this year

Mr Bones announced he needed a holiday

The kids with my mum, Kay

Ieuan as the Grim Reaper

Caitlin as a gothic bride

I'm a zombie bride 

The kids with my parents, John and Kay.

I always think it's important to take every opportunity to celebrate the yearly events in the religious calendar or those times which were marked by rites and rituals by our Pagan forefathers.  Life goes by so fast and it's good to make some memories, isn't it?

When you're an older mum, like I am, you are very conscious of the passage of time so these times have an additional significance.

Did you celebrate Halloween?  What are the events which mean the most to you?  I'd love to know.

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Wow. What An Insult.

If there's one word lately that's guaranteed to make my hackles rise (and it doesn't take much, as you know), it's people using the word "wow" to express incredulity, disagreement and wonderment at your (unstated) level of stupidity.

Beware keyboard warriors typing "wow"

It's become a linguistic shorthand for "you complete idiot, I have a pot plant with a higher IQ than you".

Are we really all so terrified about giving a contrary opinion that we have to hide behind "wow"?  It's worse than LOL which shouldn't, in my humble opinion, be used by anyone over 12, even though I do it all the time.

"Wow" makes you sound like a moody adolescent with an addiction to US sitcom box-sets.  "Wow-ers" can probably quote every single episode of Friends off by heart.

There's something really passive-aggressive about "wow", particularly on Facebook.  You can almost feel the sneer looming out of your PC screen whilst you know that, to your face, the "wow-er" would probably stutter, retract their statement or quickly justify the reason why they think you're a pillock.

"Wow-ing" is trolling-lite for the sanctimonious.  You see it all the time.  Someone will post a selfie of themselves in a new dress - "oh wow, you must really have lost some weight to fit in that".

Or, on the online parenting forums, any move away from the accepted parenting methods (usually from Chelsea and involving flowery wellies and a Joules raincoat, plus beards - lots of beards), will set the "wow-ing" off.

"I let little Sinjin miss his morning nap to take him to Junior Polo".  "Wow - I'd never be so cavalier with Paraphernalia's and Juxtaposition's naps. They'd just be Impossible".

Everyone's doing it but it's a shame we've lost the art of the good old fashioned insult lobed with wit and intelligence.

You think I'm talking rubbish?

Wow.  Just wow.

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Testing Elizabeth Grant Skincare Hydra Cell Active Range

As a 50+ woman I am always on the look out for the Holy Grail of skincare products - in other words those that both offer effective protection against anti-ageing and are within my budget.

I was recently sent three new products from the Elizabeth Grant Skin Care Hydra Cell Active range which are exclusive to Ideal World who recently launched the brand's highly successful Collagen Reinforce range in the UK.

I will be giving these a thorough road test over the next 28 days and these are my initial thoughts about the products.

My 52 year old face!

Whilst the Elizabeth Grant range is new to me, the company is hugely successful in Canada and focuses on producing highly advanced luxury skincare products using the company's exclusive anti-ageing compound called Torricelumn™.

This is a blend of vitamins, proteins, botanicals and anti-oxidants designed to penetrate into the skin to make it firmer, smoother and younger looking.

Torricelumn™ was discovered by Elizabeth Grant in 1948 when she discovered a natural substance that was used to treat war wounds. She had it specially formulated with other ingredients and began applying it to her own damaged skin. Gradually, she found there was a very noticeable transformation and within eight months, she was able to discard the dark glasses and drooping hats that she had been wearing to disguise her skin in public.

Elizabeth went on to become a professional make-up artist to the stars but this anti-ageing compound has now been added to the Hydra Cell Active range whose key ingredients are all designed to bind up to 1000 times their weight in water to give maximum hydration and a plumping effect.

The range contains products for face and body and I was sent:-

Hydra Cell Active Intensive Hydra Treatment Activating Liquid
Hydra Cell Active Day And Night Face Cream
Hydra Cell Active Day And Night Eye Cream

The first thing that strikes you is the packaging which has a very classy 'e' embossed on the lid.  When you open the creams, there is also a silver foil seal over a white plastic protector - three layers to protect the cream inside.

Hydra Cell Active Intensive Hydra Treatment Activating Liquid

Elizabeth Grant Hydra Cell Active Treatment 55ml is an intensely hydrating skin treatment that helps to restore the look of plumpness and volume to the skin. You apply a small amount to your face and neck before moisturizer.

The product contains a combination of Tri-Complex Hyaluronics which helps reduce the visible appearance of fine lines and wrinkles. These provide skin with a moisture barrier which helps lock in hydration and delivers moisturisation throughout the day. The liquid also contains Torricelumn™ and tamarind seed extract.

This treatment is designed to help to tighten the look of skin, leaving it feeling lifted and, over time skin is promised to feel more supple and smooth, with a decrease in the look of lines and a reduction in dryness.

The product is 2 phase and you need to add the Sodium Hyaluronate Powder which is contained in a flat lid, then discarding this and replacing this with the stopper-lid and shaking the liquid to mix.

There is no fragrance and the resulting white liquid is quite runny and drops easily.  You really do only need a couple of drops and the product absorbs immediately without leaving any sticky residue.

Hydra Cell Active Day And Night Face Cream

This cream delivers hydration, to tighten and plump the look of skin, and helps to decrease the look of lines. Also formulated with the combination of Tri-Complex Hyaluronics, it helps protects the skin from dryness, delivers moisture, and hydrates the skin throughout the day. I'm particularly interested in this one as it claims to help skin appear plumper, make cheeks looks fuller and also reduce the look of hollows under the eyes.

This product also contains peptide technology to decrease the appearance of deep wrinkles, collagen to help to improve the look of facial contours and firm up the appearance of skin and Edelweiss plant stem cells to help to improve the skin’s overall complexion.

I found the face cream had a pleasant fragrance, was quite light and runny and, again, was very easily absorbed.  I did find it made my skin tingle ever so slightly but this effect was short lived. My skin did feel rehydrated and it kept the two annoying small patches of dry skin around my mouth at bay for a few hours. Not bad for a first application.

Hydra Cell Active Day And Night Eye Cream

This eye cream is designed to reduce the look of ageing around the delicate eye area with this moisturising cream and its formulation complements the other two products.  As well as the combination of Tri-Complex Hyaluronics, it contains Torricelumn™ and marine collagen extract, and Silk Tree bark extract and darutoside from siegesbeckia orientalis help to provide the look of a lifted upper eyelid, reduce the appearance of puffiness, and minimise the look of crow’s feet and dark circles.

The eye cream has a thicker consistency and no fragrance and, again, it was easily absorbed. There was no tingling from the eye cream.

The Hydra Cell Active range is available from Ideal World.TV and all three products are priced £29.95 for the bundle but they are usually priced together at £87.97 so there is a whopping saving of 65%.

Nevertheless, these days we all want the maximum bang for our buck so I will be testing these three products over the next month and reporting back.

On first test, things look promising. I love the formulation of the products and the packaging and despite some initial tingling, my skin quickly settled down and looked refreshed.

You can stay connected with the home of shopping TV, Ideal World, on Sky 654, Freeview 22, Virgin 747, Freesat 812 and online at www.idealworld.tv.

*PR samples were received for the writing of this post.

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Five Things - My Week This Week 03/07/2016

I have borrowed the idea for this blog post from the lovely Rhian Westbury at www.rhianwestbury.co.uk and I thought it would be relatively easy to write but it turns out that I need to be a whole heap more organised.

I have got into the really bad habit of not writing stuff down with the obvious result that I occasionally forget where I am supposed to be.  The Husband is always nagging me about using Google Calendar and I have promised to get to grips with it and sync it with my phone.

This type of post is also a great way of focusing your mind on the great things that happened.  I think we are all guilty of being slightly miserable sometimes when actually some great things have happened for us.

Anyway,  this is my first attempt at sharing what went on in the Hobbis Household this week.

5 Things I Did This Week 

Celebrated Ieuan's 7th birthday.  Yes, our boy has reached the grand old age of 7 and has swopped his previous obsession with Spiderman to anything Star Wars.  He has rather a large collection of light sabers and likes to challenge us to a fight.  He's so handy we're thinking of enrolling him into a fencing course.

Ieuan at Pizza Express

Took the kids to school in pouring rain.  The Husband was supposed to go to Saudi on a business trip but came down with the lurgi and stayed in bed - which is really unusual for him. When he's home we usually share the school run duties but there was no way poor Mat was going to make it early on in the week!

Finished reviewing Executed in Paradise by Deborah Brown.  I'm on on the reviewing panel for Beck Valley Books who have some great authors but I really have to discipline myself to put my PC down and take time out to read.  I do love my Kindle but there's nothing like a hard copy of a book.

All our careful teaching about not playing with your food hasn't worked.

Took Caitlin to ballet.  Ieuan had his second Tae Kwon-do grading on Saturday for his yellow belt so Mat stayed behind to help him learn his patterns whilst I did the ballet run.  Caitlin will be taking Grade 2 with the Royal Academy of Dance in November and attends the Nicola Peros School of Ballet.  Mrs Peros also runs adult ballet classes and if I can ever sort out childcare, I'd love to go to her lessons.  I studied ballet up until I was 16 and think it's a fabulous hobby to have for posture and discipline. Whilst Caitlin is having her lesson, I usually go either to a local pub, The Plum or Chapter Arts Centre for a coffee.  It's my little bit of weekly peace.

As you can tell, most of my time revolves around the kids but I did manage to get to Pandora in Cardiff to buy some new charms for my bracelet (a birthday present from the Husband). I really think they need a separate customer service desk to help those who are queuing just to get their bracelets cleaned or fixed. I queued for about 20 minutes!

5  Great Things To Happen

I'm not a big football fan but Wales beating Belgium in the Euros was pretty special this week.  We watched Germany playing Italy on Saturday night and that match seemed really dull in comparison.

 My niece Georgia has come to visit.  Caitlin and Ieuan love seeing their cousins and have loads in common with them even though there is quite an age gap.  Emily is 21, Lloyd is 19 and Georgia is 16 but my two are not daunted in the slightest from demanding that videos and photos be shared. Caitlin has become a mini teenager and nails have already been painted and coated in glitter.

Our neighbours bought a quieter washing machine.  This might not sound like much but believe me after 6 months of listening to its spin cycle vibration which was louder than our TV, it's a lot to me.  Their old machine has been on its last legs  for ages and now it's gone - hurrah!

Ieuan got full marks for his spelling - again. Despite being averse to homework, he seems to be breezing through to the end of Year 2.

Caitlin is calmer and a bit less stressed.  I'm not sure why but she has been quite panicky lately and is now settling down after the trauma of school sports day is over.  She even managed to win one of the races.

Georgia, Caitlin & Ieuan at Cafe Rouge

5 Things Which Sucked

Brexit.  I appreciate everyone has the right to their opinion but boy oh boy the sanctimonious were out in force on Facebook, weren't they?  I've never seen so much bad temper, name calling and finger pointing.  I voted Remain and am horrified by where we seem to be headed but I have to respect the fact that I was in the minority.

Having been told off by the dentist (twice!) for not cleaning my back teeth properly, I've been trying to get to grips with an electric toothbrush - which is great for cleaning my teeth but sets my jaw off nicely.  I have mild TMJD which means my jaw aches if it is too stretched.  I also changed from a sensitive toothpaste to one which promises to renew the enamel but now I have really sensitive teeth!

My tinnitus has been quite bad this week although I am definitely noticing a link between extra whistling and coffee, salty foods and bad foods like packet noodles (yes I know).

The Walkers Spell & Go Holiday Competition - I don't know if you are playing this one where each packet of Walkers Crips has a code that allows you to win the letters which spell a holiday destination such as Nice or Cyprus.  Having eaten so many crisps we can't face any more, we are now trying to find a C and a K. And so are the rest of the UK crisp eaters.

Car insurance - it's not that it sucks particularly, but it does when your premium is up for renewal.  We have got into the habit of paying annually because I resent being charged extra to pay monthly which means I usually forget it's due till the renewal letter plops on to the mat.

5 Things To Do Next Week

Insure the car!  I have a Skoda Roomster and I love it.

Plan how I'm going to get the kids to their various birthday parties since Mat will be working away this week.  When there's just one of you it's difficult to co-ordinate everything.

Tidy up Caitlin's bedroom.  There is stuff everywhere despite the fact we've got boxes and crates to store it in.

Shopkins everywhere!

Get out into the garden.  To be fair it seems to be doing quite well on its own but I planted quite a few herbs last year and apart from the rosemary I can 't find any of them!

Chase up the results of my blood tests.  I was recently prescribed Levothyroxine for an underactive thyroid and I have just had my first blood test since to see if the minimum dose is OK.  I'm really hoping it is.  I hate taking medication because I worry about what it will do to my tinnitus.

Well, that was my week.  What have you been up to?

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Tips For Caring For Elderly Relatives At Home

I recently wrote about the challenges of caring for your elderly parents while they still live at home and just recently this has become a little more important to us due to the fact that Mum has had rather a patchy year of it so far, health wise.

Flickr:  Artis Rams

My parents are in their late 70s and still fully mobile and I have to say that I would far prefer to look after them at home for as long as possible before considering residential care.

But I am increasingly aware that, for them to live at home in comfort and safety, we will eventually have to make some changes to their house.

It's amazing what you have to think of when it comes to avoiding accidents - for example, my parents have had to swop to a cool wall toaster in case Mum touches it when she is unwell.  (She suffers from Temporal Lobe Epilepsy).

Then there's things like installing a handrail alongside the steps which lead down to their house and another to help them to walk down their sloping drive which is treacherous in icy weather.

Eventually we may have to consider adapting their bathroom to include a walk-in bath or shower when Dad is no longer able to lift Mum or creating a wet room.

I'm sure many of you will identify with the difficult line we have to tread between offering advice and help and being seen to 'take over' or dent our elderly relatives' pride.

It has taken Dad a while to be able to openly admit that having help sometimes is nice and he is much better at asking for help and sharing his worries with my sister Sarah and I.

But I find I often sound like I am nagging these days if I ask if they've had the heating on (the house is often like an igloo) or whether they are eating enough.

One of the things I am able to do is to invite them around to ours (we live literally a 10 minute walk away) for lunch to feed them up.

I think it is really important to maintain regular contact with your elderly relatives.  I find it heartbreaking when I read of old people who are in residential care yet receive no visitors. Their loneliness must be terrible.

My lovely mum

There are things we can do to help out - as long as we offer this help as tactfully as possible and gauge whether we are hurting feelings.  It's all about open and honest communication.

Here are some suggestions you could do if, like me, you're in that delicate position of recognising that a bit more help is needed, whilst not wanting to tread on toes.

I am, however, in the lucky position of living close by and with both parents currently able to look after one another.

For example:-

- invite them for meals

- batch cook at home (soups, stews, pasta dishes) and pop a few portions round in air tight containers to put in their freezer

- buy larger amounts of fruit and veg and let them have the surplus (very easy if you are a member of a cash and carry, such as Costco)

- offer to drive them to town once a week or to their supermarket to do the weekly shop

- carry out simple gardening tasks (hedge trimming, weeding, planting some perennials or herbs in pots).

- arrange for the laundering of big items such as blankets or duvets or take items to the dry cleaners

- wash the windows

- clean the house, even if it's just whizzing around with a vacuum.

- do their ironing

This is all basic stuff and I'm sure you will have many ideas of your own. The tricky part might be getting your elderly relatives to agree to let you help out with some of these!

If you live far away from your parents or elderly relatives, you may be relying on a paid carer or assistance from Social Services and your hands may well be tied in terms of what you can do to help - in which case an honest conversation with your elderly relatives might be the best way to see whether they are coping.

There is always something that can be done to help with the added bonus that knowing our elderly relatives are being looked after and their stress minimised makes both their, and our lives, just that little bit less stressful.

*This is a collaborative post

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Time To Break "The Circle Of 'Grump"

I’m sure many parents will recognise that feeling when you’re on the brink of losing it. Junior has forgotten to tell you about their urgent homework. Or there’s pen on the walls. Or chocolate. The cat has brought in something which was once some sort of living organism and left it for you to put your foot on as soon as you come downstairs in the morning.

It’s that feeling when you start to lose your temper and your irritation levels bubble up to leave you in a state where “the voice” takes over.

 You know the one. The voice is a combination of your inner critical parent, a drill sergeant and a grizzly bear. And it goes on relentlessly. Heck even you hate listening to it.

The problem with this kind of reaction to your children’s misdemeanours (or your partner’s come to that) is that you will swiftly be tuned out and ignored.

And it does nothing to make you feel better or resolve any issues.

The usual result of entering the “Circle of Grump” is that you end up feeling dreadful, guilty and even more irritated whilst whatever has been bothering you carries on anyway.

Oh no!  Mum's entered "The Circle of Grump" again!

As parents we need to recognise the warning signs that tell us the Circle of Grump is approaching and this means prioritising our own self care through adequate sleep and exercise, and great nutrition.

Relying on a deadly combination of late nights / caffeine / early evening wine is setting you up for longer term exhaustion. It’s no wonder you can’t think straight to solve the problems thrown at you. Because that’s really why you lose it I find – simply because you are being asked for the solution to a problem and you don’t, at that moment, have the physical or emotional energy to think around the problem and come up with the best solution for everyone.

I know I am about to enter the Circle of Grump when I

- Don’t listen properly to what is being said to me
- Feel my blood pressure rise and a hot flush start
- Feel my heart beat faster
- Feel a sense of panic

Actually most of these symptoms have much in common with those of a panic attack and it’s not pleasant when your darling offspring are looking at you wondering when you morphed into the Incredible Hulk.

Mindfulness and meditation will help but you need immediate solutions and something that will break the pattern – concentrating on your breath for example or going somewhere else for 5 minutes to calm down.

You need a holding statement you can use such as “mummy is going to take this to the kitchen to think about it” or “I’m not happy about xx behaviour but we’ll discuss it later when I’m calmer”.

 That way you can discuss the problem calmly, logically and get the child’s input. It is better to see that the child understands the problem and gain their co-operation by allowing them to suggest their own solutions than it is to browbeat them into doing something “because mummy says so” – we all know how well that one works.

The most important thing is not to play the blame game. Sometimes we expect ourselves to be paragons of virtue and patience. I am not the Buddha (although there is a slight physical resemblance).

It is the unique combination of our imperfections as individuals that often creates a strong family bond because we grow together and learn how to overcome them.

As the great metaphysical writer Louise Hay would say, we are all doing the best we can where we are at the moment.

And in any case, when it all gets too much I like to make myself a strong coffee and ask myself the eternal question “what would Oprah do”? That’s a pretty good starting point I reckon.

There is a way out of the “Circle of Grump”. Who knows, perhaps Sir Elton might write a song about it.

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Caring For Elderly Parents When They Still Live At Home

Watching the people that brought you into the world age isn’t nice. It is even worse when you have to care for them, but they want to stay at home. Everyone has the right to their opinion, and most of the elderly are of the opinion that they want to keep their independence. That is their right, but it makes your life much harder. The only thing you can do is respect their decision and try and care for them as effectively as possible.

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Doing that while you live in a separate house is never easy. In fact, it is a difficult process full of stress and jangled nerves. But, it is possible to achieve if you have the know-how. And, it is worth the effort. After all, they dedicated their lives for you – now it is your turn.

Modify Their House

One thing you should insist on is that the house needs modifying to their needs. If they want to stay at home, they need to compromise, and this is the first compromise. Again, the elderly don’t like making these changes because it is like admitting they are getting old. But, they are essential to their health. A stair lift or an adapted bathroom will improve their quality of life and reduce the risk of injury. When you visit sites like https://www.terrylifts.co.uk, you can see how easy it is to make it happen. There is a range of lifts and platforms for adapted homes, most of which are affordable too.

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Regular Visits 

Even with all of the newest mod cons, they are still likely to have a trip or a fall. That isn’t meant to alarm you, but you should be aware that there is still a risk. If they do have an accident, they will need physical help. If you visit them on a regular basis, you will be there for them when they need you the most. Plus, you can take the strain off their shoulders and make their everyday life easier. For example, you can bring them their groceries so that they don’t have to leave the house. Little things like that reduce the need for them to take risks which lead to injury.

Split Duties 

Still, you can’t do everything on your own because you are only one person. And, you have a family and a life to live too. If you have siblings, you need to make sure that they pull their weight when it comes to caring for your parents. They have a responsibility just like you, and they need to fulfil their duties. It is amazing having brothers and sisters that do their bit because you can balance your life with your parents. Some families even create plans so that they have every day covered. For example, you can see them on Mondays and Wednesdays, and your siblings split the rest of the week.

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Hire A Carer

Sometimes, caring for your parents is too much even with the help of the whole family. After all, you family doesn’t slow down just because your mum and dad are getting old. That is when you need to consider hiring a carer. A care assistant will visit your parent’s home when you don’t have the time. And, they are trustworthy people because they are industry professionals. This link will provide you more information www.agingcare.com. A good caregiver will make everyone’s life much easier. If you are worried about the money, you can get a grant or a government loan to subsidise the cost.

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Move In With Them 

When the situation gets that bad, you need to consider moving home. They won’t move because they want their independence. But, they might let you move in with them for a while. Most parents see it as their kids coming back home, not as you helping them out. Plus, no parent will stop their children from coming home because it is part of their DNA. It is a viable option as long as the house is big enough because you need enough space for everyone. The kids might not like it, and your partner might feel the same, but they will understand. You can do it for a year and rent out your home to see how it works. If it doesn’t, you can move home and think of a new plan. If it does, you should consider making it permanent.

Create An Emergency Plan 

You can’t be there for them all of the time, and that is when they tend to have an accident. When that happens, you need a plan of action. Everyone needs to know their job and what they should do if possible. For example, you should tell your parents they need to ring an ambulance and then ring you straight away. Or, tell them to press the emergency button (see modify home) to alert the emergency services. A plan is vital because it can be the difference between life and death.

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Suggest They Consider Moving 

They will only get worse as they get older. That is also true if they have a bad incident and need to visit the hospital. When that happens, you have no other choice but to make them see sense. No one wants to force their parents into a decision, but you do need to have a stern word. They need to know that caring for them while they are at home alone isn’t feasible anymore. They need to understand that they need permanent help, whether they like it or hate it. Only then can you start to give them the care they deserve. No one is saying that they have to move into a care home because they can move into your home. Then, you don’t have to disrupt your family’s life. A care home might be the option, but that is the final straw. Sometimes, assisted living quarters are available and they mix the independence and around the clock care.

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Caring for elderly parents is never easy. But, you have to do what is best for their health.

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Is Commenting On Our Baby Bump Unacceptable?

There have been quite a few articles lately along the lines of "things not to say to a pregnant woman".

Your baby bump will attract interest

Why is it, having spent months and sometimes years trying to conceive and at a time when surely there should be celebration and congratulations, some expectant mums seems to join the ranks of the professionally offended and regard any casual comment or glance at their baby bump as a social faux pas of such magnitude that it borders on an insult?

I remember being about 4-5 months pregnant with Caitlin, having spent a good year or so trying to conceive after a miscarriage.  The Husband took me to a local Italian restaurant and we asked for a table for 2.  "3, surely" said the waitress with a smile.  I was absolutely delighted.

There's no denying that pregnancy, and particularly the early stages, can be a rough time for lots of us.  Your hormones are all over the place.  You are too big for your old clothes and too small for maternity wear.  You're still in the "intensive research phase" of working out what you can and can't eat and are totally enthralled by the changes appearing in your body on an almost daily basis.

When you get to that blooming, glowing phase where your baby is developing fine, your scans are OK, you are happily nesting and putting plans in place for your new arrival, then others may notice and comment on your contentment.  It's human nature, surely, to be fascinated by the most wonderful thing our bodies can do.

I do understand that, for some, any intrusion into their personal space may make them feel uncomfortable.  And to have your bump clumsily prodded without asking you is a little rude.  But an interest in pregnancy is surely the most natural thing in the world.

Of course some will want to touch your bump and see the baby kicking.  Seeing a foot push out of your belly is amazing.  Ieuan used to move about so much it looked like he was doing a Mexican wave.

Yes, you will be inundated with advice, much of it based on old wives' tales, but most of the time, people are just showing an interest and for the rest of it, they are not sure what to say.

But to be offended by questions like "have you chosen names, what are they?" or advice such as "sleep when the baby sleeps" seems a little extreme.  Questions such as "are you going to breast-feed?" and "will you be having a natural birth", on the other hand are going too far.

Pregnancy is a stressful time but I think you have to let others in a little.

Having had my kids so late, I was well aware that both my natural pregnancies were miraculous and that I was extremely lucky to have the experience of motherhood.

There are thousands of women struggling to conceive, and some you probably know quite well, who would give anything for someone to comment on their growing baby-bump.

And if you think some of the things said to an expectant mum are beyond the pale, trust me, the some of the things said to us older mums are far worse!

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Your Top Considerations When Choosing A Care Home For A Relative

Moving your relative into a care home is never an easy decision to make. But sometimes it has to be done. Here are the considerations that should be in the forefront of your mind if you are going through this process.

Staff 

The staff members that work in a care home are the people who your relative will come into contact with each day. You will get a chance to meet them and see them in action when you visit a care home, and this will probably influence your decision massively. No one wants to move their relative into a place that is staffed by people who are unhelpful or cruel. You should do research and read reports that often judge staffing performances on them. You want to make sure that you are not going to have any problems with the staff and their behaviour later on down the line.

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Facilities

The facilities that are offered in the home are also very important. This is what most people focus on when they are looking for a place to move their relative into. It needs to have the right care and medical facilities that meet your relative’s specific health needs and requirements. And you should also ask to see the private living quarters where your relative will be living. It’s not all about what’s on the inside though. Care home providers like http://hc-care-homes.co.uk/ also focus on the outdoors. Elderly people like to be able to get out and spend time outside of the care home. So, it’s good to move them into somewhere with large green spaces.

Costs 

Unfortunately, very few of us are able to simply move our relatives into the very best care homes. And that’s because the very best care homes come with a pretty large price tag attached to them. The costs are never cheap, and it’s up to you to weigh up the pros that the care home offers with the costs. Of course, there are many cheaper options out there that still offer a high-quality service. It’s not always the case that the most expensive places have the happiest residents. You should make a shortlist of places and then compare the prices of them all. You probably won’t be able to afford them all, so compromising will be necessary.

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Your Relative’s Preference

Obviously, all cases are different. But if your relative is in need of specialist care but is still able to take part in the decision-making process, they should have a say. It’s them that will be affected by the decision that is made, so it’s only fair that they have a say in the place where they will end up. They should be with you every step of the way when you are weighing up all the options. They should meet staff members, view the facilities and do everything else that I mentioned above. Before you even start to view the options, you should talk to them about what they want to get out of a care home. Then you can take it from there. Sites like http://www.payingforcare.org/care-home-fees offer more information on care home costs.

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Stay At Home Mum? Oh no! It's the curse of the 'going out' headache

Why is it that I don't go out for months on end but, having found a babysitter, and finding myself actually free to leave the building, I find I have got myself so worked up I have a headache.

If you're used to staying at home, going out can become quite a big ordeal

I seem to sink in a Bermuda Triangle of anxiety symptoms - namely worry, excitement and stress.

And the less I go out, the worse it gets.

Social anxiety is a huge problem I think for stay at home parents who, although they once worked, socialised and mingled with the best of them, eventually find that all and any social interaction can be a source of untold stress.

And you can't really talk about it, can you?

You can't say "off out tonight for a lovely dinner with the husband and I'm stressed to bits about it"?

You're supposed to feel appreciated, lucky, excited.

You are not supposed to be frantically tidying the house so the babysitter doesn't have a fit of the vapours at the sight of your undercrackers on the radiator and the dust mite party happening behind the TV.

What's to be done?

No - not pre-loading with a glass or two of wine so that the rest of the evening passes in a haze.

One solution may be to ask the babysitter to arrive a little earlier so that you can take a few extra minutes to compose yourself and actually enjoy the process of getting ready.

Or you could negotiate with your partner so that they are ready before you are and can take care of the kids while you try to recall the make-up routine that was kicked to the kerb as soon as you arrived home from the hospital.

I admire those women who have not let parenthood get in the way of keeping themselves groomed and glossy but I suspect for many of us that's no longer the case.

How many of us find ourselves reaching for a make-up bag at the bottom of a handbag full of Fruit Shoot lids, Werthers Original wrappers and broken crayons, only to find our mascara has dried up, our blusher has caked and cracked and the kids have been drawing with the (one) expensive lipstick that still remains?

And then I can never find a hairbrush (even though we have quite a few) because they have all been left in various locations in the house due to school / ballet/ general going out panics.

Much the same way that you can never find a hairband when you want one either.

Having got myself dressed up I then have to teeter down the drive in the same height of heel I used to regularly run in when I was still working.

This is usually accomplished by holding on to the Husband like an octagenarian whilst he tries not to laugh.

I've never got a matching coat and bag.

I keep meaning to take all the junk out of my usual bag and actually use the beautiful Louis Vuitton bag which was my 50th birthday present from the Husband but I haven't quite managed it yet!

By the time we return I feel a whole lot better - a large glass of wine tends to do that I find - but just the one or I'm useless the next day.

I wish I could say that my accessory of choice for a night out wasn't a box of ibruprofen!

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