Family Values? They're All Relative.

I love a bit of nostalgia.  I love home-made and vintage.  Tea-cup candles scented with hyacinth, retro postcards and photographs from the '30s and '40s.  I love the traditional image of family - the Sunday lunch with its roasted chicken and apple pie goodness.  Ah, memories laced with brown sugar and cinnamon and lashings of custard.

My family is small and, I suppose, quite traditional.  My parents met and married in their twenties. My mum had me when she was 25 and my sister at 28.  My father was a lieutenant in the Royal Navy and my mum worked in the local library - a job which she gave up to be a stay at home mum.  

Step forward 50 years and that concept of a family as 2.4 children, a working father and a stay at home mum is antiquated - a cliché straight out of 1970's sit-coms.  I think, if we're honest, there are many who miss the kind of stability this seemed to offer society.  I can remember once discussing divorce with my mother (not my divorce, I hasten to add!).  Her response was "in those days people just didn't.  This was a world where most people still went to church on Sundays and the 7th day was acknowledged, respected and offered a 24 hour haven of peace from the rigours of life.

Of course, the black side of this was the denial of all those who didn't fit into the heterosexual mould and the iron-clad insistence that there was only one definition of marriage and only one construction for a family.

Today anything goes.  Marriage, relationships, family units - are no longer hampered by any religious or gender considerations.  Marriage has in many ways just become an announcement of who we love most at any given time.  I personally regard it as more than that, having been raised in the Church of Wales but I know that, these days, I'm in the minority.

I had children in my 40s because I wanted to create my own family.  I wanted something that would outlive me (what Richard Dawkins calls the "selfish gene"), to mark my existence.  I have read legions of self-help / law of attraction / NLP books and always wince when the 'recipe' for self actualisation gets to the inevitable bit about "contribution".

Being cynical, I always think that when you are living in a castle and flying about in a helicopter from seminar to seminar, the opportunity to  'contribute' must be huge.  For those of us down on the ground, our contribution must, out of necessity, be smaller - random acts of kindness, charitable donations where we can and putting others' needs before our own.

Isn't this what a family is for?  Isn't this what families do?  Yes I know there are dysfunctional families but I prefer to believe that in our daily life with our relatives we mark our passage through life by caring for one another and sharing the good things in life.

Those who no longer have a family or who are isolated for any other reason are not barred from finding this kind of emotional support,  Today, as the local becomes ever-more global, as the internet links us across continents, we are able to communicate and form friendships as never before.

A new type of family is being born. "Find your tribe" we are encouraged - those people who understand you, with whom you belong.  Mothers, in particular, are finding that they need each other more than ever before. And this despite working mothers being pitted against stay-at-home mothers with monotonous regularity.  Many mothers are sinking under the weight of guilt as they try to redefine their new family structure.

As a late baby boomer (born in 1964) I was raised to have a career.  I was never pushed to get married and have children (although I am always honest about the fact that I wish I had had my children earlier in life).

So now that I am, rather belatedly, here, it feels as though the rug has been pulled from under my feet.  The mums I talk to on Facebook and Social Media in general are questioning who they are and how they should raise their kids without losing the person they have worked so hard to be.

The type of family unit I grew up in feels like something from an Agatha Christie novel, all gin & tonic after work for dad and afternoons baking and listening to the radio for mum.

Much as I miss it, I have to acknowledge that the families created by women, whether mothers or not, offer a love and support that is often far more powerful.

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Pondering Change And Loss in Great Malvern

It is a sunny afternoon in Great Malvern.  I am sat a stones' throw from the Great  Malvern Priory sipping coffee in blissful isolation whilst the Husband has taken the kids swimming in the Malvern Splash pool.

Great Malvern Priory

Clouds are scudding across the blue sky, casting shadows on the slumbering occupants of the Priory's graveyard.  I am reading the bestselling book by psychoanalyst, Dr Stephen Grosz called "The Examined Life - How We Lose And Find Ourselves".  It is a collection of stories based on the the sessions Grosz had with patients over many years' private practice.

His contention is that we are better equipped to change ourselves, and consequently our lives, when we understand that all change involves some form of loss.

It is only when we embrace this loss and accept it that we can move forward.

For example, when we marry, we lose our single self.  As women, when we have children we may lose our figures, our freedom, our confidence. And yet, we rarely stop to think of the losses that almost always accompany a change in direction.  We may take the road less travelled without always thinking of what we leave behind.

There is no better place to read Dr Grosz' stories, it strikes me, than close to the bones of those who loved and lost, hoped and dreamed hundreds of years ago.

There is always something poignant and touching about graveyards.  It's that mix of the reminder of our own mortality with the realisation that, beneath our feet are those who probably thought they, too, might be lucky enough to escape that last throw of the 'die'.  The pathos of the sheer banality of life sometimes adds almost an unbearable weight of meaning to the daily minutiae we repeat almost without thinking.

I ponder that I am quite hopeless at being on holiday.  I am also reminded of the truth that "wherever we go, there we are".  We can travel mile after mile but there is no escaping our essential selves.

I always like to believe that each holiday contains the kernel of an enormous life change.  That new experiences will weave a kind of psychological magic - making us better, happier, calmer, greater. Travel broadens the mind, they say but minds are pretty elastic I think.  Stretch them so far and then ping, back to normal we go.

I wish I could relax more.  Be calmer.  Less neurotic.  People rarely appreciate that, for the neurotic soul, not only is there the burden of the worry but also the weight of guilt in the suspicion that we should not allow ourselves to acknowledge these feelings.  Giving ourselves permission to wallow for a while is almost a luxury.

For mothers, the chance to think and ponder in quiet introspection is, for many of us, a luxury.  But to acknowledge our own hopes and fears safely out of the way of our children is a necessity. We all need to take the time to recoup our strength and to remember that many have trodden our path before us - and will do so long after we're gone.

I finish my coffee and amble back to meet the family on the steps of the exhibition centre where, in the rare and brilliant sunshine a band is playing rock 'n' roll classics in the open air and families mill happily about.

Time goes on in the shadow of the Priory.

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Blog Break Time

I'm taking a little break from blogging to spend some time with the hubby and kids, so normal service will be resumed shortly.

If you need to get in touch, I will be picking up emails at lindahobbis38@hotmail.co.uk.  Or you can tweet me at @lindahobbis.

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Why aren't wives treated like brides?

I love reading bridal magazines.

In fact, I enjoyed planning my wedding so much I'd happily do it all over again (to the same man, I hasten to add).

Is there anything like the thrill of putting on a wedding dress for the first time or the excitement of shopping for rings?

If you were anything like me (or are planning your nuptials at the moment), there are menus to be poured over, wines to be tasted and selected and a whole host of knotty relationship issues to be navigated before the big day.

Should you invite your mother-in-law to be's ex-husband?

What's the right number of bridesmaids?

Should you allow your friends to bring a plus-one?

Everything seems to pass so quickly in a haze of rose-petals and sugared almonds until - pffft - with a wave of the wedding fairy's wand you are a Mrs.

And then what? (and in many people's opinion, so what?)

From being the star of the show on your special day, from then on some days you feel as if you'd struggle to get a walk-on part in a pound shop advert.

It's no wonder so many new brides feel immensely deflated and depressed once the big day is over and the new passport is put away in the drawer with the honeymoon photos.

Actually, I still haven't updated my passport with my new married name - all that documentation seemed too much of an extra stress at the time.

Consequently, I'm still planning our honeymoon nearly 4 years on (and it gets grander and more expensive in my white sandy fantasies as the years pass)!

As wives, are we wrong to want to enjoy, how shall I put it, an 'uplift' in our status? Some sort of recognition.  I can hear staunch feminists shouting from here - no, we are not chattels.  Our existence should not be defined, nay constrained  by shackling ourselves to some man.

In the olden days, of course, marriage was practically the only means of guaranteeing a respectable place in society.

Marriage was a financial transaction where, at least for the gentry, birth lines and the inheritance of land were protected by forging a suitable match.

The feelings of the bride for her prospective groom were often of little consequence.

Thankfully, today we women define ourselves and make our own choices - and that's my point.

If we choose to become wives, should there not be some sort of acknowledgement of it?  I'm not necessarily talking about tax breaks but at least something.

In the absence for a lot of people of any religious meaning to the concept of marriage - I'm a believer, my husband is not so we had a civil ceremony - and after the public declaration of love for your partner has been made - what are wives for these days?

I am not, let's be clear about this, saying that wives are more than singletons in any sense but I just wish there were some celebration of our choice to embrace marriage.

Singletons are encouraged to stand up and be counted - to declare their life choice and be proud.

No longer is the spinster seen as the sad lady living at home with too many cats.

That stereotype has been (almost) erased from society's lexicon of  "types of women".

Well I say why shouldn't wives stand up and be counted too?

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Other people's kids driving you bananas in the supermarket?

The ear splitting screams made everyone at the check-out turn round.

Three kids, two boys (roughly 13 and 7) and a girl (maybe 6) were sitting on the bench at the end of the till run making full use of the acoustic properties the Tesco superstore offered.

People winced, the screaming was that loud.

On and on it went, driven by the annoyance of the other shoppers.

The mother, who had a fourth child in a pushchair seemed to find this activity funny and gave the youngest girl a loving hug as they walked off (still screaming) leaving the rest of us muttering "why didn't she tell her kids to shut up?".

Her three miscreants were certainly old enough to know their behaviour was getting on others' nerves and yes, we probably all did stuff like that when we were young.

The difference is most of us were not allowed to carry on doing it.

Now there are those who think that self expression is a good thing and must not be stifled but, surely, when others are being irritated, the first course of action is to consider others' feelings?

This was not a family on its uppers.

No form of societal judgement could be made on them based on their outward appearance.

One might charitably suppose that, since it's the long summer holiday, the mother was at her wits' end but she seemed remarkably calm and upbeat if that were the case.

We mothers love to judge other mothers, don't we?

But it sometimes seems as if children are increasingly just being allowed to run amok.

This may be a result of the ineffectiveness of some of the more liberal forms of discipline such as "positive time out" but, woe betide anyone who dare suggest that a more stringent method of discipline might benefit  - the "S" (smacking) word must never be uttered.

We need a 'third way' but I'm not entirely sure what that is.

As for keeping your children occupied in a supermarket, why not give them their own list and task them with retrieving easy items?

I often wonder why supermarkets don't offer creche facilities because I'm sure they'd quickly recoup the cost of staffing by the extra sales from parents who could actually concentrate on what they came out to buy.

Kids love to shout, scream and, above all, run the length of those gleaming aisles.

My two do and, hands up, it is hard to constantly check their behaviour but that's the job of parenthood, isn't it?

To teach them how to behave in society?

And it is our job, not that of teachers or childminders.

It's not something we can delegate.

There is much muttering, currently in the UK about the developing of a perceived "nanny state".

Only this week a report by the United Nations Human Rights Committee has suggested that Britain should ban smacking and many feel that, whilst violence towards children can never be condoned, it is not for some governmental body to tell us how to raise our children, thank you very much.

Possibly, just possibly, if there were a groundswell of support and encouragement for positive behaviour of children (and their parents!) in the public arena, then maybe there would be less grounds for any interference by public servants desperately struggling to find a way to reduce crime and anti-social behaviour.

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My Sunday Photo - 26/07/2015

A beautiful flower at National Trust Dyffryn Gardens

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Treetop Adventure Golf Cardiff - A Stroke of Genius

If you had said to me that I would spend a happy morning playing golf on Level 3 of the car park in the St. David's 2 Shopping Centre in Cardiff, I would have probably thought you were somewhat under par but that's exactly what happened earlier today.

The Hobbis clan were given the opportunity to play mini golf in the tropical rainforest at Treetop Adventure Golf centre whilst storms rumbled overhead and we were accompanied by the sounds of chattering monkeys and tropical birds.

No, not the usual Cardiff weather but an impressive sound and light system adding great atmosphere.

It is immense fun - and you know me, I'd often struggle to find fun if it was signposted "fun this way" and included a comprehensive guided tour by Mr Fun himself.

I haven't played mini golf (or crazy golf as we were allowed to call it in the 70's) since playing the windswept and rainy course on Plymouth Hoe when flares were all the rage and the Osmonds were rocking white jumpsuits and singing about equally crazy horses.

There are two 18 hole trails - the "Tropical Trail" and the "Ancient Explorer Trail" which both include interactive figures that either congratulate or berate the players.

There's "The Sacred Mask" and "Chief Slumber" as well as Bob Monkey-House's challenge at the 19th Hole.

Needless to say, the Husband's competitive streak appeared and he managed quite a few "holes in one".

My own attempts varied from "roughly near the hole" to "which ruddy hole are you actually playing?" but I did manage to improve by the end of the course we played - which was, for obvious reasons the "Ancient Explorer".

Caitlin and Ieuan were highly bemused at the transformation of their parents into two golfing ninjas (cough) and Ieuan was very disappointed to find his technique of just picking up his ball and placing it nearer the hole was frowned upon.

Caitlin had her own unique stroke which seemed to be closer to shovelling the ball in the hole than hitting it.

Still, we completed the course before Ieuan managed to collapse (according to him) from hunger.  He had spotted the very inviting clubhouse bar and cafe with its cosy chairs, tables and beanbags.

The Husband won (sigh) but I did manage to come second with the kids almost tying.

We celebrated our sporting prowess with moist chocolate brownies, chocolate cupcakes and reviving coffee (the kids had their usual Fruit Shoot / Diet Coke - the latter not being allowed at home, I might add).

We arrived at 10:30 and the centre got busy quite quickly

This may be because if you tee off before midday you can play both courses for the price of one (except on bank holidays).

Also, there is a suggested maximum of 6 shots per person per hole to ensure that nobody is waiting too long to play.

You're also supposed to add a 1-shot penalty if your ball leaves the course and I'm afraid I may have 'accidentally' forgotten to do that a couple of times.

Treetop Adventure Golf is open every day from 11 am in the week to 10 am at the weekend and stays open till late, either 10 pm or 11 pm depending on which day you go.

As well as coffees and cake, you can buy wine, beer or cocktails - although I'm not sure these would have improved my golf.

You can also have a party or event at the centre.

Prices are very reasonable - for example it's £25 for a family of 4 (where one child is under 12) to play one course and £37.50 to play two (hence teeing off before noon is a good idea).

To compare with a cinema trip to the Odeon, it would cost a family of 4 (where 2 kids are under 12) £34 per film - without pick 'n' mix or ice cream.

The full tariff of fees is available on the website.

We had a great time at Treetop Adventure Golf and it made a change to do something different and memorable.

The staff were friendly and helpful and, when our two started to protest at the time it was taking to drink our coffee (have you noticed kids always finish their snacks in about 30 seconds whilst your coffee is still boiling?), kindly proffered some colouring sheets and crayons.

There are lockers to leave your bags and the toilets (always an important benchmark in my book) had ornate hand basins and taps where the water flowed over, rather than out of them.

The door handles were made of rope.

The whole experience is extremely well designed and, if you have visited the Eden Project in Cornwall, you will know what kind of atmosphere to expect.

Ieuan was fascinated by the talking head at the 19th hole who, if you manage to shoot your ball into the centre of his puzzle, grants you a free round of golf next time.

None of us managed it but someone did whilst we were there - so it is possible.

I'd heartily recommend a visit to Treetop Adventure Golf, particularly since summer has apparently failed to load correctly as usual and we've been treated to random bouts of torrential rain and hot sun.

It took us about an hour to complete one trail but if your kids are older you'll probably find they want to move on to the second trail after a quick snack break.

We'll certainly be going back.  I've got the hang of it now and since the Husband had 51 shots to my 58, a rematch is definitely due.

Further information is available at www.adventuregolf.com.

*We were invited to play a round of golf as guests of Treetop Adventure Golf.

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