Why silence is the new wealth

As I sit in my lounge now at 8:14 pm I can hear kids playing two gardens away and someone hammering in the throws of some fit of DIY which has been going on for four nights.

If I open a window I can hear dogs barking.

Always dogs barking.

I'm dreaming of peace

As soon as their owners leave for work in the morning, off they yap.

How is it right that you can leave a dog all day on its own?

Aren't we supposed to be a nation of dog lovers?

When I was young, we were taught that you respected your neighbours and didn't indulge in anti-social behaviour such as lawn mowing in the early evening.

Two doors away from me live a couple with a young baby.

Next door we have two teenage boys and one young girl that same age as my daughter.

Across the way live an elderly couple.

You get the feeling that we are all invisible.

Why is it, I wonder, that the smaller the garden, the larger (and noisier) the mower?

Do you really need a petrol mower to cope with a postage stamp size lawn?

Is it some mark of masculinity?  Some last proof of fertility?

My bedroom faces the road which, although relatively quiet, is a short cut between the village and the main road to Cardiff.

At midnight, cars race through or drop people off without thinking to lower the thumping volume of their radios.

Taxi drivers are the worst for this.  I often wake with a start.

I dream about living in a house of silence.

Ironic since, due to my tinnitus, silence isn't something I've enjoyed for years but oh, the bliss of never having to listen to other people's noise.

The Husband says we are equally bad noise offenders.

And it's true.

When the kids are in the paddling pool, we both spend a fraught half hour or so pleading with them to keep quiet, to be respectful, but still mindful that children are supposed to make noise.

It's called play and it's normal.

But at least we try to keep them quiet.

At least we consider other people's feelings.

Our neighbours think nothing of vacuuming or hammering at 10 pm.

We spent one summer listening daily to the incessant drone of a radio left in the garden to play loudly - even if the occupants went into the house, the radio still droned on.

Thankfully, things have quietened down since then.

We don't let the kids play outside before 9 am on Sundays.

We ensure that they don't make too much noise early in the morning and if we clean the cars we do not, like other neighbours, undertake the task with all the car doors open and the radio blaring at full blast down the street.

Am I the only one who hates summer for this reason?

You can keep the idealised TV adverts with their soft-focus barbecues.

There is literally no escape now - from people who think it fine to let their phones ring in theatres, to those who are happy to chat through a cinema film.

When the temperature rises, the windows open and we all have to go radio ga-ga.

Builders seem unable to undertake any kind of work without a radio blaring.

The school run is punctuated by car radios at ear-bleeding volume, or else people taking hands free telephone calls so loudly the entire conversation can be heard in the next town.

Recently, on the ITV programme Loose Women, the possibility of rail companies getting rid of the quiet carriage on trains was discussed.

Some thought quiet carriages should be preserved as a haven of peace; others thought that if you paid your ticket, you were entitled to behave as you like.

Hmm.  I have never been in a quiet carriage where anyone took that much notice of 'the rules'.

Actually I think that the instigation of quiet carriages on trains had more to do with our nation's inherent dislike of children making a noise than it did with convenience for business travellers or those who wanted to quietly read or watch the countryside pass by lost in thought.

If I ever win the lottery,  I will be buying a house deep in the country where the only sound is that of birdsong (if we have any such countryside left given the likely scale of construction needed to meet our demand for housing).

The Husband says that I would still find something 'noisy'.  Cows, agricultural machinery, cockerels, there are a host of noise pollution possibilities.

But at least my fantasy keeps me quiet.

You can have all the money and 'things' in this world but if you don't have peace, and a quiet sacred space in which to exist, what do you have, really?

How can you experience your life to someone else's (usually discordant) sound-track?

Silence, my friends, is the new wealth.

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Choosing The Best Wedding Dress for a Civil Wedding Ceremony

This is the last in my series of guest posts from Venus Bridal UK and here the focus is on finding a wedding dress suitable for a civil wedding ceremony.

If you're getting married in a hotel, as I did, you may find a dress with a long train rather unsuitable!

Another consideration is that you may well be sitting down for a longer period of time, particularly if your reception is following straight on from the ceremony.

My dress had lacing at the back so it could be let out for breathing (and toilet breaks!).

I'd also advise deciding whether or not you will want to wear the dress again when making your choice.

I planned to cut the train off and get a dress-maker to turn my wedding dress into an evening gown - but I haven't quite got around to it yet.

Finally, if you do plan to wear your wedding dress again, be aware that your weight may well change (I was a stone lighter on my wedding day!), and that even if you plan to wear it again, you might not be able to get back into it!

Here's the advice from Venus Bridal.

Where you have your civil wedding will help influence what you will wear on your big day but should by no means limit it.

With this in mind, your dress needs to suit the season and the location but you should also think about the type of civil ceremony you’re having, as civil ceremonies take place in countless settings – including on a beach, in a fairytale castle or in a hotel ballroom.

However, if you want to look like a princess there’s nothing stopping you but you can also go for a relaxed and casual look or even fancy dress.

That’s the beauty of civil weddings.

And, of course, you can always ask your partner what they would like to see you in.

Type of outfit

For a civil ceremony, you can essentially wear anything you like – a short dress, smart suit, T-shirt and jeans, or even a themed outfit - but whatever you decide on make sure you feel comfortable in your final choice.

Your wedding day is the time you show friends and family how much you and your betrothed love each other - it is not a time to experiment or try to be something you’re not.

But with a civil ceremony you can allow yourself more leeway than with a traditional wedding.

Most brides would not wear a short dress for a church wedding but they are ideal at civil ones.

And then there’s the practicalities to consider: a short dress is often less expensive, easier to carry if going abroad, more comfortable and you can wear it again.

Dress shape

If you decide on a dress think about your best and worst features and then choose a shape that hides the bits you’re less fond of and highlights your best parts.

Colour of your outfit

One of the great advantages of a civil wedding is the freedom to choose a wedding dress that is not white.

This is great for those who don’t have the right colouring for a brilliant white dress.

But you can go beyond the off -white shades such as ivory or cream and really go to town with dramatic reds, pale golds or ethereal lilacs.

Fabrics

Wedding dresses come in a variety of fabrics but when deciding what fabric to use it is a good idea to remember what time of year and/or the location.

With a civil ceremony you have a lot more choice, you no longer are confined to satin and silk or crepe and brocade.

Headwear

Unless you still want to look like a princess on your special day it is probably preferable not to wear a train.

However, that doesn’t mean you have to go bareheaded – you can wear a headdress or a hat that suits your dress. In fact, you can make a real statement with what you wear on your head.

Whatever wedding outfit you choose to wear for a civil ceremony, the bridal attire can be just as beautiful and as unforgettable as a more traditional wedding gown.

This blog post was written by Venus Bridal, bridal gown designers and manufacturers who provide timeless, glamorous and diverse wedding gowns to stockists throughout the whole of the UK.

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My Sunday Photo - 19/07/2015

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No Smoking When Children Are In The Car In The UK From 1 October 2015

On the 9th July this year, the UK Government announced new rules about smoking in cars which will come into effect this autumn. These new rules will go some way to protect children from being exposed to the risks of passive smoking in the enclosed environment of our cars.

This is, of course, a highly emotive issue - particularly for smokers who feel that their rights are being gradually eroded. But the health of our children must come first.

Smoking is a particular bugbear in our family.  My father has smoked a pipe for decades and has been unable (and unwilling) to give it up - despite having survived prostate cancer and a heart attack. He has never smoked in the car but believe me, I am well aware of the likely reaction from some smokers.

But aren't we all so much more educated now?  Can anyone, hand on heart, justify smoking in a car with kids present?

Of course, like the horrendously dangerous activity of using a mobile phone whilst driving, the problem will be enforcing this at a time when police resources are already stretched.  But it's a step in the right direction, at least.

These are the new rules.

From the 1st October this year it will be an offence:

- for retailers to sell electronic cigarettes (e-cigarettes) or e-liquids to someone under 18

- for adults to buy (or try to buy) tobacco products or e-cigarettes for someone under 18

- to smoke in private vehicles that are carrying someone under 18

So it will be an offence:

- for a person of any age to smoke in a private vehicle that is carrying someone who is under 18

- for a driver (including a provisional driver) not to stop someone smoking in these circumstances

Offences carry a £50 fixed penalty fine or possible referral to court.

You can read the new rules HERE

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Glossybox Vive La France - July Edition

This is the last box of my six month subscription to Glossybox.

For those of you not aware of the concept, Glossybox is a monthly beauty subscription box containing 5 hand picked beauty samples wrapped in a signature pink box.

Some of these samples may actually be full size products.

This month Glossybox is a collector's edition inspired by "all things French" and claims to be a "tour de force of our favourite French finds that contain ingredients that really work".

The box is curated by Jamie Lee Reardin who is France's "it" artist of the moment who has put pencil to paper for Chanel, Givenchy and Christian Dior and created "Mademoiselle Glossy", who features both on the box and on the cute little travel pouch which is the centrepiece of this month's box.

You can find out more about Jamie on Instagram at @JamieLeeReardin.

Frankly I would have preferred a 'Madame Glossy' but clearly Glossybox is targeting a younger audience who are perhaps more likely to immerse themselves in a wider variety of brands and are less brand loyal than older subscribers.  (Remember the tattoos from last month?!).

Actually, the whole beauty box concept needs a bit of a shake-up I think - where are the boxes targeting the 40+s?

I have written before about the fact that this age group (and higher) is actually where the most disposable income is but, as usual, the beauty industry has not yet worked out what to do with us, nor (with the possible exception of L'Oréal) how to market to us.

I still don't think Glossybox is using the information it collects from its subscribers to maximum effect.  It's still a one-size-fits-all box.

But I digress.  Let's dive in to this month's contents.

There's an interesting mix of products in this box and, yes, they're French.

The strange thing about French skincare products is that they often manage to be very effective whilst at the same time being unremittingly dull and unengaging, lost in a sea of meaningless beauty marketing speak.

The value of this box is a little questionable too.

Aside from Glossybox's own travel pouch (which is valued at £3.99), there is just one full size product in the box and, you've guessed it, it's a lip balm - Lollipops Balm Délicieuse at £4.15.

There is no way of valuing the sample products which are 25 ml, 15ml and 2 x 3 ml.

That makes this box the worst of the six in terms of value.

The move into its own products is an interesting one but a bit of a shame if this is the route Glossybox is going down.

The whole point of a beauty box subscription is to try other brands and to provide a platform for those brands who would otherwise not reach a wider audience.

You can only imagine how difficult it must be to win a spot on the shelves in Boots or Superdrug.

Although perfectly understandable from a business point of view, there's something a little cynical about passing off 'Glossybox' own products as a bona fide item in a beauty subscription box.

Mademoiselle Glossy Travel Pouch - £3.99

So this is centrepiece of the box, the travel pouch designed by Jamie Lee Reardin.

This is a zip-lock pouch to keep your beauty essentials safe through security or for use as an everyday make-up bag.

noxidoxi Enhancing Serum Base Sample Size - 25 ml (Full Size £33.46)

This serum is from Bordeaux brand noxidoxi and has a "CRC6 moisturising complex" (see what I mean about jargon!) to hydrate the skin's surface as well as the deeper layers and includes "a cocktail of antioxidants and anti-inflammatories to protect the skin".

It is to be worn under moisturiser.

Teoxane Cosmeceuticals Perfect Skin Refiner - Sample Size 15ml (Full Size £70)

This is Perfect Skin Refiner for night from Teoxane Cosmeceuticals.

It has hyaluronic acid "to plump and hydrate skin" and 10% glycolic acid to "help resurface the skin". You are advised to use it every other night because you might feel a 'mild tingling' at first.

You're also advised to wear a high SPF during the day.

I can confirm you certainly DO feel a tingling (I'd call it stinging) and if you have sensitive skin I'd be tempted to leave this one in the box.

Vichy Ideal Soleil Tinted Velvety BB Cream, 2 x 3ml (Full Size £15.50)

Then we have two 3 ml samples of Vichy's Ideal Soleil Tinted Velvety BB Cream.

I always find Vichy's products to be very good quality and this BB cream, although quite dark when applied, blends to a really nice finish with a subtle hint of colour.

I'm not sure I needed Glossybox to introduce me to Vichy which you can pick up in Boots, even though it is a French brand in keeping with this month's theme.

Surely there are loads of other French brands just waiting to be discovered.

Lollipops Lip Balm Délicieuse - Full Size £4.15

Lastly, we have yet another lip balm.

This is from Paris-based brand Lollipops - Lollipops Lip Balm Délicieuse, which is described as containing antioxidants and vitamin E.  It's colourless and has a strange sweet taste.

Am I happy?

I would have preferred less art and more product in this box.

A beauty subscription box should be about the products and not the box - and this is the third 'collectors' box I've had out of 6.

Let's not forget that, even though the cost of the box is anywhere from £8.50 to £10, depending on the length of your subscription, the postage is a static £3.25 irrespective of the weight of the box.

Glossybox claims that the minimum value of this box is £52.

I don't think anyone really considers the value of sample sizes in their box because the whole point of a sample is that it is given away FREE at point of sale to encourage sales of the full size product.

So no, I really don't think this month's box is worth a fraction of that.

I have enjoyed receiving my Glossybox each month but most of the products are still sitting in them waiting to be used or, more likely given away.

I may subscribe to another beauty box to see if any of them get the balance right between value of product and the brands they contain.

But for around £14 each month, I may just be better off going to my local highstreet drugstore.

Glossybox can be contacted at www.glossybox.co.uk, on Twitter at @glossyboxuk and on Facebook as www.facebook.com/GlossyBox.co.uk.

*This is a completely independent review based on my own Glossybox purchase.

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What to tell yourself when you're tempted to interfere

It dawned on me last night after yet another "put my foot in it" moment that there is something very simple to tell yourself when you are tempted to interfere, meddle or offer unsolicited advice.

Constantly offering your 'advice' may put you in the dog house!

An interesting concept I have come across whilst reading the acreage of self-help tomes which fill our groaning bookshelves is that our daily lives are very much a product of the thoughts we constantly run in our heads.  And most of these thoughts are endless reruns - like a hamster on a wheel.  Our world, such as it is, is literally constrained by the number and variety of thoughts gambolling through our minds.

Thoughts, according to the Law of Attraction, become things.  Now, you may not believe in magic but if you consider, everything you have created in your life started off as a thought - and this includes the bad things as well as the good.  Your thoughts tend to create your beliefs.  Your beliefs tend to create your feelings and then your feelings release more thoughts which lead to actions. It's a never-ending cycle if you are unaware of it.

It's a bit like constantly running the same old movie over and over again.  Or, you could choose to think of it as reading yourself the same never-ending story.

But, and this is my point, your story is not my story.  You have no way of knowing what is really going on in my head (unless you are a neuro-linguistic programming expert, in which case you may be able to 'read' me quite well).

You can change your own story by unearthing the thoughts which trigger your beliefs.  For example, you may be reluctant to date after a bad relationship because you think you are unattractive, or unlovable.  You may believe you are destined to be alone.  You may feel too anxious to even think about someone new and the resulting action will be to hide at home and to reject the friendly smiles of anyone who tries to strike up a relationship with you.

But this won't necessarily be true for the friend you have been pushing to come out clubbing or bowling or any other form of tortuous organised 'fun'.  (I'm not big on 'organised fun' - can you tell?)

M* is a terrible interferer.  She just cannot help but offer advice, even if it is based on random googling and something she read on Facebook.  M* finds she frequently upsets her elderly parents by offering her thoughts on subjects such as applying for a carer's allowance and buying the right type of mattress for the elderly. She constantly cautions about hiring unvetted workmen and fears (not without some justification) that her parents will be conned into endless charitable donations.

This advice is met with a certain degree of grumpiness and hurt feelings from her parents who feel that they should be allowed to make their own decisions since they are still in full control of their faculties!

This leads M* to add the burden of guilt to her worry and her compulsion to offer advice.

C* has the same compulsion to 'advise' on her best friend's separation and divorce.  She has been pushing her friend to seek legal advice and has told her that she should make sure she has a secret nest-egg to protect herself in the event that her husband 'takes her to the cleaners'.  C* thinks everything should be sorted out immediately whereas her friend is carefully negotiating the mine-field of hurt feelings and coping with three teenage children who are equally bewildered.

And, unsurprisingly, C* finds her advice rejected and there is a certain frost in the air between her and her best friend.

It is so difficult, isn't it, to refrain from offering advice but if you are reaching the stage where you are no longer feeling good about it, and your relationships are suffering, here's what you need to tell yourself.

"It's Not My Story".

Because, you know, it really isn't.  Half the time, the advice we give is already known by the other person.  By the time you get to your 30s, most of us are pretty savvy and know how the world works. We hear what we want to hear.

Of course, if a friend's partner is cheating, or they are being abused then the situation is different. Your actions will depend on your own moral compass and your beliefs.  You may feel you have a duty to intervene - but even then, it's still not your story.

So when you feel compelled to advise or interfere (and especially with your partner who views interfering as nagging),  sometimes it won't hurt to step back and let them make their own decisions. This also applies to your children. We grow by experience and learning how to deal with these experiences, both practically and emotionally.    It's not your story.

Instead of rushing in with warnings of dire consequences from something you've read in the papers, why not take a moment, make yourself a coffee and ask what's happening for you in your story today.

As busy mums, that might be a much needed interference.

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Why I'm buying pregnancy testing kits in my 50's

It's highly ironic, I think, that I have spent more on pregnancy testing kits in my late forties and early fifties than I did in my twenties.

This has nothing to do with not using contraception but everything to do with not knowing exactly whether I am menopausal or not.

My periods now turn up every 8 weeks or so and it seems to be a lottery as to which month they choose to appear.

It can take so long that it's a toss up whether the menopause has finally started, or whether I am pregnant - which, at 51 would be a surprise I really don't want.

In fact, the trip down to chemist for a pregnancy testing kit is far more fraught with mixed emotions than it used to be.

One the one hand a late baby (and mine were already pretty late at 43 and 45) would turn our lives upside down but the thought of no longer being fertile is quite a psychological event in any woman's life.

I can understand why menopause used to be referred to as "the change".

Some women define themselves by their fertility.

They love having babies.

For them, it is the ultimate proof of womanhood.

For many of us though, having children is something we do to complete a relationship - because we believe in family - rather than an obedience to the ticking of our biological clock.

There is plenty of information online about pre-menopause symptoms.

This article at www.patient.co.uk lists no less than 66 symptoms to look out for - including headaches, exhaustion, decreased motor co-ordination, night sweats, insomnia, muscle cramps and backache.

But there is such a wide variety of symptoms that could apply to almost any illness, it doesn't really help you to decide whether you do indeed have menopause symptoms.

Irregular periods are certainly one symptom, as is menopause weight gain, the appearence of a rounder, fuller middle.  And while I suspect I might occasionally have experienced a hot flush or flash (as our American cousins call them), I'm still not entirely sure.

My GP says that, to see whether or not I am menopausal, I would need a blood test  to measure the level of the follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) which can be an indication of menopause, but there is no definitive test.

This could only be carried out if I stopped taking the contraceptive pill.

That sounds way too risky to me so I'm stuck in some sort of peri menopausal wasteland until I haven't had a period for at least a year.

So, what are the chance of conceiving naturally during your 40s and even 50s, and what about pregnancy after menopause?

In your 40s, your chances of getting pregnant naturally are about 20%, falling to less than 5% in your mid 40s and 50s.

There is also the increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities and a higher chance of miscarriage.

Nevertheless, I conceived naturally twice during my mid to late forties so there is hope if you have also left it late to start a family.

In terms of IVF, in your early forties you have roughly a one in five to one in 10 chance of a live birth per treatment cycle.

From age 43 onwards, success rates fall to around one to five live births for every 100 women .

From 43 to 44 onwards, your chances of success using your own eggs really are minimal, because conception rates per cycle of IVF are so low. (source www.babycentre.co.uk).

Also, mothers over 50 are at almost three times the risk of low birth weight, premature birth, and extremely premature birth and their risk of giving birth to an extremely low birth weight baby and the risk of fetal mortality was almost double. (source:  Wikipedia).

Surprisingly. pregnancy after menopause (which you'd think would be impossible since you're not producing any eggs), is possible. Here's an explanation from www.babymed.com.

"Menopause drastically changes a woman’s body. When menopause occurs, a woman no longer gets a monthly menstrual period.

This is because the hormones that trigger ovulation and pregnancy are not longer as strong in the body as they were when the woman was twenty years younger.

Estrogen and progesterone will drop, and this will cause the body to no longer have the ability to get pregnant.

But since the process of menopause takes anywhere from five to ten years to complete, this is an awkward time in a woman’s life.

She will still have a chance of getting pregnant.

 With menopause, the hormone levels will drop, but there are times when they will spike during the course of the change.

At this time, a woman’s body can be able to still conceive a child, giving into the fact that a woman can get pregnant during or what they think is after menopause".

So, even though I know the chances of conceiving are very small, I don't want to take any chances.

If I were to get pregnant through some random last throw of the fertility dice, I would have the baby but as a late mother I am already worried about being in my 60s when my kids leave school.

That's the thing late mothers may not admit to;  the pressure to live longer, not to conk out, to remain a fully functioning parent to support their kids as long as possible.

To undertake this commitment in your 50s must be huge.

The other day I was asked by a lady who had her three children in her twenties whether I thought having children in your forties was selfish.

My honest, and immediate answer was yes.

I've written before that having children is in many ways a selfish act at any age but there is the extra poignancy of having a late baby - a kind of bitter-sweetness overladen with a hefty dollop of guilt.

For the next year or two, I'm guessing I'll be a frequent visitor to the chemist.

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