Time To Break "The Circle Of 'Grump"

I’m sure many parents will recognise that feeling when you’re on the brink of losing it. Junior has forgotten to tell you about their urgent homework. Or there’s pen on the walls. Or chocolate. The cat has brought in something which was once some sort of living organism and left it for you to put your foot on as soon as you come downstairs in the morning.

It’s that feeling when you start to lose your temper and your irritation levels bubble up to leave you in a state where “the voice” takes over.

 You know the one. The voice is a combination of your inner critical parent, a drill sergeant and a grizzly bear. And it goes on relentlessly. Heck even you hate listening to it.

The problem with this kind of reaction to your children’s misdemeanours (or your partner’s come to that) is that you will swiftly be tuned out and ignored.

And it does nothing to make you feel better or resolve any issues.

The usual result of entering the “Circle of Grump” is that you end up feeling dreadful, guilty and even more irritated whilst whatever has been bothering you carries on anyway.

Oh no!  Mum's entered "The Circle of Grump" again!

As parents we need to recognise the warning signs that tell us the Circle of Grump is approaching and this means prioritising our own self care through adequate sleep and exercise, and great nutrition.

Relying on a deadly combination of late nights / caffeine / early evening wine is setting you up for longer term exhaustion. It’s no wonder you can’t think straight to solve the problems thrown at you. Because that’s really why you lose it I find – simply because you are being asked for the solution to a problem and you don’t, at that moment, have the physical or emotional energy to think around the problem and come up with the best solution for everyone.

I know I am about to enter the Circle of Grump when I

- Don’t listen properly to what is being said to me
- Feel my blood pressure rise and a hot flush start
- Feel my heart beat faster
- Feel a sense of panic

Actually most of these symptoms have much in common with those of a panic attack and it’s not pleasant when your darling offspring are looking at you wondering when you morphed into the Incredible Hulk.

Mindfulness and meditation will help but you need immediate solutions and something that will break the pattern – concentrating on your breath for example or going somewhere else for 5 minutes to calm down.

You need a holding statement you can use such as “mummy is going to take this to the kitchen to think about it” or “I’m not happy about xx behaviour but we’ll discuss it later when I’m calmer”.

 That way you can discuss the problem calmly, logically and get the child’s input. It is better to see that the child understands the problem and gain their co-operation by allowing them to suggest their own solutions than it is to browbeat them into doing something “because mummy says so” – we all know how well that one works.

The most important thing is not to play the blame game. Sometimes we expect ourselves to be paragons of virtue and patience. I am not the Buddha (although there is a slight physical resemblance).

It is the unique combination of our imperfections as individuals that often creates a strong family bond because we grow together and learn how to overcome them.

As the great metaphysical writer Louise Hay would say, we are all doing the best we can where we are at the moment.

And in any case, when it all gets too much I like to make myself a strong coffee and ask myself the eternal question “what would Oprah do”? That’s a pretty good starting point I reckon.

There is a way out of the “Circle of Grump”. Who knows, perhaps Sir Elton might write a song about it.

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4 Things Great Mums Do In Difficult Times

Sometimes you just have one of those days, don't you?  Days when you are permanently chasing your tail and nothing goes right.

You oversleep, you forget to pack a sandwich lunch for your child's school trip, there's no clean school uniform and you haven't got any change for the latest PTA demand.

It would be very easy to just go back to bed and pull the duvet over your head.

Everyone faces tough times in their lives

We are all guilty of being disorganized sometimes and find ourselves envying those organised mums who never seem to have a hair out of place and who radiate loving kindness to their kids and those around them.

But what about when family problems such as a relationship breakdown or illness threaten to overwhelm us? Or when we find debts mounting, or redundancy looming on the horizon?

What is it that great mothers do differently at times like these?  Can we learn anything from them?

1. They have a strong network of friends and family to help them.

Some of us find it really difficult to ask for help.  As parents we may also find ourselves prioritizing the kids' social lives over our own but this is a mistake.

Stay at home mums in particular need adult conversation and the chance to share their problems.

This can't really be done effectively via Facebook, although I have made some great friends this way. Nothing really replaces a good chat over a cup of coffee.

Takeaway tip:  make sure you keep in touch with your friends and family and don't be shy to ask for help.  Reach out to other mums, strike up a conversation and ask them on a 'mum date' for a coffee or drink.  You'll probably find they would welcome some company too.  When things go wrong you will find your mum friends are an invaluable source of support.

Tweet: Reach out to other mums, strike up a conversation and ask them on a 'mum date' for a coffee or drink. http://bit.ly/1RTvGR9 @lindahobbis 

2. They focus on solutions not problems.

Bad things happen to good people as the saying goes, but dwelling on things you cannot change will get you nowhere and make you feel worse.

Great mothers know how to prioritize and to focus their energies on the things that matter. The health, happiness and security of children will always be one of their primary concerns.

They also know where to turn for the best impartial advice - whether to a solicitor or Citizens' Advice Bureau for legal help, or to an organisation such as Relate for matrimonial and relationship advice.

There are times when an objective view is needed - and friends and family may often be too involved in a situation to give the best and clearest advice.

Takeaway tip:  recognize when you need professional advice and don't be reluctant to seek it out. There are many sources of free, or low cost advice and it is better to address a problem head-on than to let matters get worse, for example when debts are growing at an unmanageable rate. 

Tweet: Recognize when you need professional advice and don't be reluctant to seek it out. http://bit.ly/1RTvGR9 @lindahobbis

3.  They recognise that "this too shall pass"

No matter how bad things are now, great mothers hold on to the thought that everything changes and try to stay positive for their children.  Focusing on the good things in life is not always easy but if we try we can usually find the good in every day.  Teaching our children gratitude for the good things they have in their lives (even if that is just a mother who loves them to bits), is something that will help them to deal with their own problems later on in life.

Takeaway tip: no matter how 'twee' it sounds, focusing on the positive and writing a list of things you are truly grateful for will raise your spirits and may even show you a way to deal with the problems you face.  

Tweet: Focusing on the positive & writing a list of things you are truly grateful for will raise your spirits. http://bit.ly/1RTvGR9 @lindahobbis

4.  They practise self care.

Great mothers know that they have take care of themselves to be an effective carer for the children (and, these days, probably their parents too).  It is not selfish to take some regular time out for yourself, even if it is just for a long bubble bath or a coffee with a friend.  They make sure that they eat well and get enough sleep.

Takeaway tip:  looking after yourself need not cost a lot of money.  Ten minutes of mindful meditation, a brisk walk or even a brief nap will help calm you and clear your head to say can return to your problems with a fresh viewpoint.  

Tweet: Looking after yourself needn't cost.10 mins mindful meditation, a brisk walk or even a nap will help. http://bit.ly/1RTvGR9 @lindahobbis

We all have times in our lives when things do not go as we hoped or planned but we need to develop our own strategies for dealing with them so that we can look after ourselves, our children and our families.

Thanks for reading Mother Distracted.  I really appreciate your support and I'd love it if you could share this post across social media. If you’re new to Mother Distracted, why not join me on the Mother Distracted Facebook page, tweet me on @lindahobbis or follow me on Instagram.

For loads more parenting advice, just visit the parenting section of my blog.

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8 Things Great Parents Do Everyday

If you're anything like me, you never know whether you're doing the right thing raising your child, do you?  Parenting skills don't come naturally to many of us.

It's easy to spend time worrying about what you have, or haven't done and whether your children are truly happy.

Ieuan - The Messy Years!

But I think if you do some or all of the things that great parents do every day, you won't be going too far wrong.

They tell their children they love them

It doesn't matter what age you are, everyone needs to hear that they are loved, and loved unconditionally.  It is unfair to tell anyone that you would love them more if only they did this, or were like that (or cousin Elsie).

They read to their children

We know how important it is to read to our kids in order to improve their literacy and understanding of the world around them.  But the night-time bedtime story is a chance to snuggle up and forge strong emotional bonds that will last a life time.

They listen to their children

Really listening involves removing yourself from any distractions and focusing on the child in front of you who may be telling you about something that has shaken his or her world.  How upsetting to find that your mum or dad is more interested in checking their email on their phone whilst going "um, ah, oh," and not really paying attention.

They say NO.

We are not being great parents if we allow our kids to constantly indulge in habits that are harmful for their bodies and minds.  The occasionally sugary treat is only to be expected but constantly agreeing to sweets and chocolates because we don't want to be seen as "the bad guy" is not helping our children.

They set clear boundaries

Great parents tell their kids exactly what is expected of them and what is acceptable.  This may mean explaining that there are certain words or phrases we don't use, or that lashing out in anger is never acceptable.  Unless we have these conversations with our kids, we cannot expect them to make the best decision for others, and themselves.

They are excellent communicators

Great parents know that they have to find a way to communicate effectively with their children, and that the best way may vary from child to child.  NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) teaches us that everyone has a preferred communication style.  Some of us are 'visual' - we like pictures and diagrams.  Some of us prefer to listen - the sound of the words used is the most important thing.  And for some of us, a kind and loving touch is the most effective way to get the message across.  Who can deny the power of a cuddle?

They are not afraid to indulge their own 'inner child'

I always think great parents are the ones who know how to play and, no matter what age they are, can let their hair down and goof around with their kids.  On a recent visit to Raglan Castle in Monmouthshire with the kids, we spent at least an hour playing hide and seek - and it was hilarious.

They practise self care

Parenting is hard work and a never-ending task.  Great parents make sure they take time out to recharge their batteries and reconnect with their partners.  For single parents, time out with friends is incredibly valuable. As the saying goes, you have to apply the oxygen mask to yourself before you can help others.

Parenting is one of the toughest jobs there is, but if we take the time to step back and honestly appraise our efforts, most of us will see that we are doing a great job and quickly identify ways in which we can be an even better parent and improve our parenting skills.

For loads more parenting advice, visit my parenting page.

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How To Give Your Baby The Best Night's Sleep

Getting your baby down to sleep can sometimes be one of the most difficult parts of raising a baby. Making sure your baby gets enough sleep is crucial to you both. Take the stress out of bedtime for you and your baby with these tips on how to get the best night’s sleep.

Establish a good routine

First and foremost, before you try any other tricks, it’s good to establish a nighttime routine for you and your baby. Creating a bedtime pattern will not only help you in the immediate, but also in the long-run. This will help to calm and settle them before bed. And, as your baby gets older, they will become more familiar with this routine and respond well to bedtimes.

Picture Source

Stop them scratching

Many parents find their babies suffering from a sleepless night because they’ll be scratching itchy rashes or eczema. Try putting your baby in gloves to stop them scratching. Or if you find that they are pulling off their gloves in the night, try ScratchSleeves which are impossible to remove.

Night and day are different 

Showing your baby from a young age that night and day are different is crucial. Not only will it be great for helping newborns sleep, but it will also teach them the importance of bedtime for when they are older. Make your baby’s room as dark as possible with dark curtains. Keep noises to a minimum if you can, or try quiet, soothing sounds. Changing them into their pyjamas will also establish that nighttime is for sleeping.

No midnight snacks

Try not to feed your baby just before they go to bed, or they will link bedtime with dinner time. This will make it much harder for you to get them back to sleep if they wake during the night. They’ll think it’s time for another feed.

Let them sleep

If your baby wakes up during the night, it can be tempting to pick them up and cuddle them. Try to avoid doing this (unless you need to change their nappy). Instead, make soothing noises and stroke their forehead to see if they will fall back to sleep by themselves.

Give them a comforter

Whether it’s a cuddly toy or a baby blanket, there’s no harm in giving your baby a comforter. This will help them feel secure at night time without you there. Just remember to buy two for when one is in the washing machine (or if you lose one!).

Share night times with your partner

It’s important for babies to get used to both parents, and understand they way they comfort them. Not only will this share the work between you both, but it will show your baby that breastfeeding isn’t always an option.

If you are having a really hard time getting your baby to sleep, it may be something medical. If you’ve tried And whatever you do, don’t forget to get some sleep too! Whenever your baby is sleeping, try to catch some sleep yourself when you can.

*PR collaboration

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