Should We Be Telling Our Sons To "Be A Man"?

It's very easy, isn't it, to fall into expecting your kids to conform to the traditional gender roles which were the accepted 'norm' back in our parents' and grandparents' day.

But when you stop and think about it, the polarisation of certain behaviours between male and female is no longer automatically acceptable.

6 year old Ieuan

When Ieuan has a strop about one of the many things that annoy a typical 6 year old, we have caught ourselves telling him to "man up".

Which got me thinking.

What exactly does "being a man" mean these days.

In the 1970's (when I was in my teens), the archetypal bloke was a mix of John Wayne, Clint Eastwood and Sylvester Stallone.  Real men did not cry, or dance (much) or eat quiche.

If they did exhibit any 'softer' behaviours, we said they were "in touch with their feminine side", a supposedly humorous allusion to the traditional 'girly' behavours, we women exhibited at certain times of the month or when the safety of a kitten was threatened.

The reverse side of the coin, of course, is that 'being a man' meant being handy with your fists. Fighting was a form of drink fuelled recreation which could garner secret admiration from other 'blokes' and the girls who fancied them.

"He knows how to handle himself".

"I wouldn't mess with him"

"He's a real 'man's man'".

Key skills in those days for a bloke were holding your drink, eating the hottest curry possible and driving like an idiot with the thumping backtrack of Meatloaf pounding your ears.

Real men chased the women too.

And it was automatically accepted that, if men earned more and got more breaks in their career, well, that's just the way it was.

So now, when we tell Ieuan to man up or to be a man about it (in jest I hasten to add), what exactly are we asking him to do?

Should we be defining our kids with gender stereotypes?  The answer must surely be no.

But should we deny them the pleasure of enjoying the perceived strengths and weaknesses which accompany each gender?

As a woman, I don't want to be able to build a dry stone wall or wrestle a sheep to the ground (when in Wales...) but that doesn't mean I want to be thought of as weak either.

What kind of men do we want our sons to be?

As a woman, it's a bit of a struggle to answer that without comparing today's men with those we grew up with and who are still part of our family today.

It's no longer a man's world and it's never been a woman's world.

So where do we go from here?

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After School Activities For Kids - Have We Gone Too Far?

Back to school, back to reality.... and the merry-go-round of kids' clubs, after school activities, parties and play dates has started to gain momentum.

Caitlin & Ieuan

Currently, Ieuan has Tae Kwon-do on Wednesdays and Caitlin has ballet on Fridays and Saturdays. They both go swimming on Thursdays.

I find that I struggle to arrange play dates with their close friends because we're often fully booked up which seems, to me, to be entirely the wrong way around.

I'm not disputing the value of after school activities.  They are great for teaching our kids physical and social skills, helping them to make new friends and keeping them occupied in the 'arsenic hours' of 4-6 pm.

But leaving aside the cost of these activities, not only in terms of class fees, uniforms and insurance, there's also the time and cost of taxiing to and fro.

I know some kids who are so booked up that they are doing several activities on school nights. Already their parents are wearing that "how long till half term" expression and have their car keys permanently in their hand like a rookie get-away driver.

When does anyone find the time to do homework?  Or simply relax with the family?

I sometimes suspect that after school activities are a brilliant way to postpone the job of parenting which, for all of us, is sometimes stressful and pretty darn challenging.

Equally likely is that after school activities help occupy our kids whilst their parents are at work. Who has the luxury of leaving work at 4 pm?  Very few.

When I was young, I went swimming in our local pool occasionally and I had a ballet lesson (just the one), every Saturday morning.  My mother has never learned to drive so my sister and I had to go when dad could take us - which was weekends only.

Other activities had to be within walking distance such as our local Brownie pack.

Now, too, it seems that kids are pushed to be experts in whatever activity they undertake.

Perhaps I'm just a hopeless under-achiever.  After all,  I used to like playing Left Back in hockey only because my initials were on the bib (I was Linda Brooks in those days) and there was seldom any danger of coming into contact with the ball.  At least, the way I played.

What happened to doing an activity because you like it?

I think sometimes we push our children too much.

I asked Caitlin the other day whether she wanted to change her after school activities and her reply was very telling.

"Really", she said, "all I want to do is spend more time with my family".

How many other children are feeling the same way?

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4 Things Great Mums Do In Difficult Times

Sometimes you just have one of those days, don't you?  Days when you are permanently chasing your tail and nothing goes right.

You oversleep, you forget to pack a sandwich lunch for your child's school trip, there's no clean school uniform and you haven't got any change for the latest PTA demand.

It would be very easy to just go back to bed and pull the duvet over your head.

Everyone faces tough times in their lives

We are all guilty of being disorganized sometimes and find ourselves envying those organised mums who never seem to have a hair out of place and who radiate loving kindness to their kids and those around them.

But what about when family problems such as a relationship breakdown or illness threaten to overwhelm us? Or when we find debts mounting, or redundancy looming on the horizon?

What is it that great mothers do differently at times like these?  Can we learn anything from them?

1. They have a strong network of friends and family to help them.

Some of us find it really difficult to ask for help.  As parents we may also find ourselves prioritizing the kids' social lives over our own but this is a mistake.

Stay at home mums in particular need adult conversation and the chance to share their problems.

This can't really be done effectively via Facebook, although I have made some great friends this way. Nothing really replaces a good chat over a cup of coffee.

Takeaway tip:  make sure you keep in touch with your friends and family and don't be shy to ask for help.  Reach out to other mums, strike up a conversation and ask them on a 'mum date' for a coffee or drink.  You'll probably find they would welcome some company too.  When things go wrong you will find your mum friends are an invaluable source of support.

Tweet: Reach out to other mums, strike up a conversation and ask them on a 'mum date' for a coffee or drink. http://bit.ly/1RTvGR9 @lindahobbis 

2. They focus on solutions not problems.

Bad things happen to good people as the saying goes, but dwelling on things you cannot change will get you nowhere and make you feel worse.

Great mothers know how to prioritize and to focus their energies on the things that matter. The health, happiness and security of children will always be one of their primary concerns.

They also know where to turn for the best impartial advice - whether to a solicitor or Citizens' Advice Bureau for legal help, or to an organisation such as Relate for matrimonial and relationship advice.

There are times when an objective view is needed - and friends and family may often be too involved in a situation to give the best and clearest advice.

Takeaway tip:  recognize when you need professional advice and don't be reluctant to seek it out. There are many sources of free, or low cost advice and it is better to address a problem head-on than to let matters get worse, for example when debts are growing at an unmanageable rate. 

Tweet: Recognize when you need professional advice and don't be reluctant to seek it out. http://bit.ly/1RTvGR9 @lindahobbis

3.  They recognise that "this too shall pass"

No matter how bad things are now, great mothers hold on to the thought that everything changes and try to stay positive for their children.  Focusing on the good things in life is not always easy but if we try we can usually find the good in every day.  Teaching our children gratitude for the good things they have in their lives (even if that is just a mother who loves them to bits), is something that will help them to deal with their own problems later on in life.

Takeaway tip: no matter how 'twee' it sounds, focusing on the positive and writing a list of things you are truly grateful for will raise your spirits and may even show you a way to deal with the problems you face.  

Tweet: Focusing on the positive & writing a list of things you are truly grateful for will raise your spirits. http://bit.ly/1RTvGR9 @lindahobbis

4.  They practise self care.

Great mothers know that they have take care of themselves to be an effective carer for the children (and, these days, probably their parents too).  It is not selfish to take some regular time out for yourself, even if it is just for a long bubble bath or a coffee with a friend.  They make sure that they eat well and get enough sleep.

Takeaway tip:  looking after yourself need not cost a lot of money.  Ten minutes of mindful meditation, a brisk walk or even a brief nap will help calm you and clear your head to say can return to your problems with a fresh viewpoint.  

Tweet: Looking after yourself needn't cost.10 mins mindful meditation, a brisk walk or even a nap will help. http://bit.ly/1RTvGR9 @lindahobbis

We all have times in our lives when things do not go as we hoped or planned but we need to develop our own strategies for dealing with them so that we can look after ourselves, our children and our families.

Thanks for reading Mother Distracted.  I really appreciate your support and I'd love it if you could share this post across social media. If you’re new to Mother Distracted, why not join me on the Mother Distracted Facebook page, tweet me on @lindahobbis or follow me on Instagram.

For loads more parenting advice, just visit the parenting section of my blog.

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8 Things Great Parents Do Everyday

If you're anything like me, you never know whether you're doing the right thing raising your child, do you?  Parenting skills don't come naturally to many of us.

It's easy to spend time worrying about what you have, or haven't done and whether your children are truly happy.

Ieuan - The Messy Years!

But I think if you do some or all of the things that great parents do every day, you won't be going too far wrong.

They tell their children they love them

It doesn't matter what age you are, everyone needs to hear that they are loved, and loved unconditionally.  It is unfair to tell anyone that you would love them more if only they did this, or were like that (or cousin Elsie).

They read to their children

We know how important it is to read to our kids in order to improve their literacy and understanding of the world around them.  But the night-time bedtime story is a chance to snuggle up and forge strong emotional bonds that will last a life time.

They listen to their children

Really listening involves removing yourself from any distractions and focusing on the child in front of you who may be telling you about something that has shaken his or her world.  How upsetting to find that your mum or dad is more interested in checking their email on their phone whilst going "um, ah, oh," and not really paying attention.

They say NO.

We are not being great parents if we allow our kids to constantly indulge in habits that are harmful for their bodies and minds.  The occasionally sugary treat is only to be expected but constantly agreeing to sweets and chocolates because we don't want to be seen as "the bad guy" is not helping our children.

They set clear boundaries

Great parents tell their kids exactly what is expected of them and what is acceptable.  This may mean explaining that there are certain words or phrases we don't use, or that lashing out in anger is never acceptable.  Unless we have these conversations with our kids, we cannot expect them to make the best decision for others, and themselves.

They are excellent communicators

Great parents know that they have to find a way to communicate effectively with their children, and that the best way may vary from child to child.  NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) teaches us that everyone has a preferred communication style.  Some of us are 'visual' - we like pictures and diagrams.  Some of us prefer to listen - the sound of the words used is the most important thing.  And for some of us, a kind and loving touch is the most effective way to get the message across.  Who can deny the power of a cuddle?

They are not afraid to indulge their own 'inner child'

I always think great parents are the ones who know how to play and, no matter what age they are, can let their hair down and goof around with their kids.  On a recent visit to Raglan Castle in Monmouthshire with the kids, we spent at least an hour playing hide and seek - and it was hilarious.

They practise self care

Parenting is hard work and a never-ending task.  Great parents make sure they take time out to recharge their batteries and reconnect with their partners.  For single parents, time out with friends is incredibly valuable. As the saying goes, you have to apply the oxygen mask to yourself before you can help others.

Parenting is one of the toughest jobs there is, but if we take the time to step back and honestly appraise our efforts, most of us will see that we are doing a great job and quickly identify ways in which we can be an even better parent and improve our parenting skills.

For loads more parenting advice, visit my parenting page.

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Think You're Forgetful? I Took My Son To Start Nursery A Week Early

I was born a week early. According to my mother, anyway, whose memories of my induced birth, due to sky high blood pressure are sketchy to say the least.

Ieuan

I've been early for things ever since. Meetings, conferences, seminars, exhibitions, theatre performances, I've been early for them all. I have spent countless hours sat in lobbies looking at dreadful carpet, listening to the sort of piped music that makes you yearn for death. I have shelled out hundreds for unnecessary coffees and Danish. I have read acres of dull newsprint and flimsy celebrity magazines.

Whether this is a strange streak of perfectionism (Freud would use a less polite word) or an inherent love of organisation is debatable.

When I was still working, I prided myself on my multitasking and organising skills. I'd arrange numerous events, write and proof-read numerous newsletters and maintain databases without any problem.

In Law, as in any other field, time is money and each unit of time is measured and, if you're a lawyer, billed.

Since I gave up work to have my children (July 2007), it appears all these skills have gone out of the window. Now that 'deadlines' and 'targets' have been removed, I seem to have lost all impetus and the smallest task takes on a Herculean perspective.

You might have thought that with something as important (to me at any rate) as my son's first day at nursery I would, in true helicopter mummy fashion, be there on time, in a non-stained dress with infant duly spruced and perky.

Unfortunately I am mortified to report that, although these 'critical success factors' were partly met, today I took my son to start nursery a WEEK early.

Admittedly I am not 'without form' in the area of the curricular cock-up, having missed a dressing up day and book fair. It doesn't help, I know, that my Parentmail email address is the one I don't really use and I am not really in the 'mummy gang' who congregate there serenely each morning while we bomb up breathless and dishevelled.

It wouldn't have been so bad if Ieuan hadn't practically run in to start playing without so much as a backwards glance. The staff probably think I have some form of dementia or that I drink. The correct date for Ieuan's induction was, it turned out, written at the back of an information leaflet I hadn't fully read. (Why at the blummin' back?!).

So I had to drag him screaming his head off OUT of the school and march back home.

Hubby of course was his usual sanguine self. "Hmm", he said "I should probably have read the leaflet too". My worries about Ieuan now being psychologically scarred were duly dismissed. "He's fine about it", said Hubby, "why aren't you"? Um.... because after 20 years of organisation and method I'm becoming scattier than ... I can't remember what!

So, roll on next week's induction. At least we had a dummy run. A dummy mummy run!

Thanks for reading Mother Distracted.  I really appreciate your support and I'd love it if you could share this post across social media. If you’re new to Mother Distracted, why not join me on the Mother Distracted Facebook page, tweet me on @lindahobbis or follow me on Instagram. 

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