Problem Page Edition 22 2017

This week - when you're 44 and your parents still yell and you, and what to do when your sister hates the boyfriend who led you to get done for drink driving.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: It's been months since my ex broke up with me for a silly reason. I dream of him and long for closure. I feel abandoned. What do I do?

A: It might have been a silly reason to you, but it obviously wasn’t to him. Was it something you did? Did you try to make amends and apologise?

Or did he just tire of the relationship and decide he wanted to start afresh?

Unless you can honestly examine the reason why and work out whether you played a part in it, I think moving forward will be difficult.

When you say you ‘long for closure’ do you mean you still don’t understand why he left? Or are you secretly hoping he’ll return.

When relationships end you don’t really get ‘closure’. Over time you move to an acceptance that the relationship is over and hopefully move on to someone new.

You can either contact him and ask to talk about what happened, understanding that this may be painful and he may well not want to come back or draw a line under things and look to the future.

Don’t wallow. Get out and about and focus on you, your hopes and dreams, what you would like to achieve.

Now is the time to get busy and to concentrate on your career and the hobbies you are passionate about.

And if he did dump you for something stupid, a little bit of anger wouldn’t hurt either.

Are you really sure he’s right for you? If he treated you badly why would you want him back. Isn’t there someone kinder and more gorgeous you could dream about?

Q: Are girls more attracted to guys who give them less attention?

If a girl has no problem drawing attention and has plenty of guys interested in her, if a guy doesn’t give her the normal amount of attention she’s used to, does that make the guy more attractive because he isn’t like the rest?

A: It’s really hard to say. Everyone is different. A girl who regularly receives a lot of attention may find a more aloof guy more of a challenge - but this is really stereotyping girls and romantic behaviour.

You are basically asking “does playing hard to get work” - and the answer to that is yes - but only if there’s interest there in the first place.

Lots of women are fed up of game playing and just want a normal, decent guy who treats them well.

If you’re interested ask her out. She’ll either say yes or no - and you'll avoid wasting possibly months!

Q: Does it mean anything when a guy opens up about his feelings?

At work one of my managers told me he was angry because he had been turned down for the role of general manager.  He said he felt like their slave and really let off steam to me. Does it mean anything, like he trusts me or something?

A: I think this guy was just incredibly angry and wanted someone to vent to. He would have been better taking his grievances to HR than offloading them onto you, particularly if the position he was turned down for was as senior as general manager - not very professional.

I hope you just listened without commenting and haven’t told all and sundry about his confession.

He has put you in quite a tricky situation. I would definitely forget the conversation and not refer to it again.

And if you’re asking whether it was some sort of romantic overture, since the guy was livid about his career prospects being thwarted, I don’t think love was anywhere on his mind.

Q: I am 18 and my boyfriend is turning 22 soon. How do I tell my mum about him?

A: Are you saying your mum doesn’t know he exists? And is it the fact that he’s 4 years older that’s worrying you?

At 18 you are perfectly old enough to choose your boyfriends and I don’t see the age gap as a problem.

If you suspect your mum won’t react well then make her a coffee and tell her you’ve met a nice boy who makes you happy and would she like to meet him?

If he really isn’t a ‘nice boy’ and has some less than attractive characteristics (criminal record, bad habits, drink, drugs etc) then before you tell your mum you might want to ask yourself what you’re doing with him.

Q: How can I act like just a friend to my crush?

I really (really) like this one girl but I want to act like a friend to her. How do I do this with out getting friend zoned? (I also want to do a lot of things with her going like sailing and stuff but with out it seeming like I like her) Please don't question my twelve year old reasoning for this.

A: You’re right. The reasoning does seem rather, age 12. Are you afraid she’ll outright reject you if you tell her how you feel? Does she already have a boyfriend?

You say you want to act like a friend to her without being friend-zoned. But if you are a friend, that’s exactly where you end up, surely?

You either have to be brave and ‘fess up and accept that adult relationships come with a hefty amount of risk and rejection or accept that, as a friend, you are voluntarily friend-zoning YOURSELF.

She may well like going sailing and sharing joint hobbies, but as soon as a boyfriend appears on the scene, you’ll probably find that curtailed.

Wouldn’t you rather be the boyfriend?

Q: Is it OK that I'm 44 and my parents still yell at me?

A: It’s not OK but I don’t think people’s parenting style ever really changes - and they probably still see you as their child.

The bigger question is how you react to it.

It’s very easy to fall back into the old patterns, no matter how old you are - shouting back, flouncing off, slamming doors, refusing to contact them.

As a 44 year old, you at least have a chance to break that pattern but calming asking them not to yell at you, avoiding the situations where they are likely to yell and if you are still behaving like a teenager, think about whether there are more mature ways you can behave.

You don’t say what they yell about - there’s a difference between yelling at someone in frustration who still hasn’t got their life together (no job, no relationship, poor health etc) and yelling at you just because they’re your parents and they can.

Have you sat down with them and discussed this?

You are all old enough now to do that, surely?

Q: My sister hates my boyfriend but I don't know if she is right about him. What should I do?

I got done for drink driving from with him. That's one reason she feels strongly about him, that he let me drive. She has started blaming him and raising her voice to him.  He has started to get upset and raises his voice back. She says she feels very disrespected and cries because I am with him. She says he's abusive. Is she right?

A: You were just as much at fault as your boyfriend for getting behind the wheel while drunk, (arguably more so), so it’s not entirely his fault. Hopefully this was a one-off you have learned a lesson from.

But since he didn’t try to stop you, it doesn’t sound as if he’s a particularly nice guy - unless he was drunk as well.

You say that your sister cries that you’re with him which seems like an extreme reaction to me though, unless he is somehow putting you in regular danger. Are you sure she is not just jealous?

I’m not sure why she feels ‘disrespected’. That sounds like someone who is used to getting her own way and is having a tantrum that you won’t ditch your boyfriend.

What do your parents and your other friends think? What do you think?

If your boyfriend is unkind, controlling or not making you happy then he’s not the one for you.

Is drink playing a large part in your relationship?

The problem here is that you seem to be abdicating responsibility for answering these question to others, including your sister.

I’m not sure how old you are but I think you need to reach out for some advice to someone older and wiser (parents?).

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page 

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 21 2017

This week - when your boyfriend tells you he's a "better professional" than you are, whether not being able to afford a wedding is a sign of cold feet and whether constant texting is a healthy thing in a relationship.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Why does my guy friend complain constantly about his wife to me?

And when I called it out on it, he stopped doing it, but now never fails to just mention her name, out of the blue, whenever we are having a great time laughing at jokes, then he looks at me like he’s trying to read me?

A: I think you know the answer to this one, don’t you and I suspect it won’t end well.

I am sure his wife isn’t too happy if he’s spending a lot of time with you (I take it that you are female - I can’t tell from the question) and it’s probably no wonder he’s being nagged.

If he’s mentioning her name I’d suggest it’s guilt because he knows he’s flirting with you and the meaningful looks are part of that game. The ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’ routine is as old as the hills and used by men to justify having an affair.

It’s pretty immature behaviour on his part and I think you need to think about where your relationship with him is going.

If you’re happy with just friendship, I think you need to get that message over to him loud and clear.

And if you are hoping for a relationship with him bear in mind that such men very rarely leave their wives.

Q: Is it normal that my boyfriend and I text each other 24/7?

We've been dating 3 years. He gets mad when I take more than 5 minutes to reply. And we always have to tell each other where we go, when we leave to places. I used to not get mad when he took forever to reply and now I do. I hate it. I find it very annoying.

A: Your boyfriend sounds like a very controlling individual and no, it isn’t healthy nor normal. I wonder how you have put up with this for so long.

Are you saying you have to respond within 5 minutes to his texts but he takes all the time he likes?That is very childish, don’t you think?

And what kind of relationship is it where everything revolves round your phones?

I sense that you are realising this just isn’t right and you really shouldn’t be treated like a possession.

Has he managed to get you to cut ties with all your old friends, or worse, even your family?

I would confide in a close friend if you can for support and in your shoes, I’d be high-tailing it out of there pronto.

Q:  I think of my ex almost daily, but I don't want him back because he caused me a great headache and paranoia. What should I do?

I broke up with him two months ago. He still stalks me and asks my colleagues about me. It’s really a difficult situation. One of my colleague said both of you are egotists.

A: When you say he ‘still stalks’ you, do you mean literally - following you, tracking your every move? Or do you just mean he asks you colleagues about you occasionally? Because there’s a big difference. 

Asking after you would be entirely normal and suggests that he is missing you.

I don’t think you should be painting him as obsessive if that really isn’t the case. You say he caused you to be paranoid - why was that I wonder? Was he a flirt, did he play mind games, was he controlling?

Isn’t the truth that you are having second thoughts and are missing the attention or the excitement (however unhealthy) that a difficult relationship can provide?

Is this, as you colleague hinted to you possibly a case of “I don’t want you but nobody else can have you”?

If you are miserable and want him back then just tell him but don’t play games with the poor guy if he is really upset about the break-up and you just want validation that you are attractive (or whatever).

If you didn’t enjoy being in the relationship then let him go and find someone better suited. After all if he was a constant headache and made you paranoid then that’s not really a relationship destined to last is it?

Q: What should I do when my boyfriend tells me 'he's a better professional than me'?

I’m more into research and am starting a PhD at a top university this autumn, while my boyfriend has 1 year more working experience. At the moment we work at the same company, and spend a lot of time working together on hobby projects. I never thought he saw it this way: I assumed we’re equal so don’t know what to do.

A: I’d say your boyfriend is jealous that you are going to a top university and, I assume, will leave better qualified than he is.

This is a really childish response and in your shoes I would be asking myself why I was still with him - unless he was joking, which by the sound of it he wasn’t.

If he’s jealous before you even start your course it doesn’t bode well does it?

Q: A girl used to like me but now she acts as if I don't even exist; she changed quite suddenly. Should I have any hope that she still likes me?

She is mean to me in such a way that even makes me have nightmares, but I like her nonetheless. Is there anything wrong with me, with her, or both of us? Why does she seem to show romantic interest in such an aggressive manner?

A: Because she is not really showing romantic interest. It seems her feelings have changed or she has serious issues and enjoys getting her attention by being nasty to others.

And since she is giving you nightmares I wonder why you are even giving her the time of day.

Stand up for yourself and if you really want her around tell her that this behaviour is unacceptable and if she doesn’t wise up then she can find someone else to be mean to.

Q: How can I marry my girlfriend if I can't afford it? How can I get over this?

A: I suspect you can afford to get married but you can’t afford a big splashy wedding. Is this what your girlfriend is pushing for?

People have budget weddings all the time that are equally as meaningful and beautiful as the big extravaganzas.

In any case a big splashy wedding does not ensure that the marriage will last. I think you are focusing on completely the wrong thing here.

Can’t you find somewhere pretty for a simply ceremony and then a quiet meal for a few close friends and family?

Or are you actually getting cold feet and using this as an excuse for getting out of it.

Either way, you need to discuss this with your girlfriend and be honest. If the wedding means more to her than the fact that she is marrying you, I think there’s a bit of talking to be done.

Q: Is it my fault if a girl goes into depression after I refused to go out with her?

A girl asked me out, said she had a crush on me for a long time. I didn’t feel the same for her, so I politely refused stating the reason. She didn’t say anything further and went home. Two months later I found out she’s in severe depression; was admitted in hospital. Was that my fault? I feel bad.

A: No it wasn’t your fault. Depression is an illness which has many triggers and if it wasn’t you turning her down it may well have been something else.

She was admitted a whole two months after your rejection in which anything could have happened.

Don’t feel bad and if you are concerned and you see her ask how she is but I wouldn’t raise her hopes again.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page 

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 20 2017

This week - whether it's a good sign if they text straight after your date, what to do when your affair goes toxic, and whether older women are ignored.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: As a 22-year-old female, how do I attract a 30-year-old single male?

A guy I work with stares at me a lot but when I catch him staring he quickly looks away. He hasn't made a move, although he knows that recently broke up with my boyfriend. He teases me to see if I've got back with him and when I say no he grins! Other times he completely ignores me.

A: All you can do is test him out by asking if he fancies a coffee or a drink and gauge his reaction.

Either he wants to ask you out and hasn’t got the nerve, or he just enjoys teasing you.

Putting him on the spot and asking him for a date will sort this one way or another.

I have to say it doesn’t sound as if he’s particularly interested in a relationship - does he have a girlfriend or partner?

Make sure you know the answer to that one before you ask him out!

Q: I like this girl and we dated, but she is 300 km away and is obsessed with another guy. Plus for some reason she now dislikes me. What can I do?

A: I really can’t see the point in you pursuing this girl. She lives miles away and is interested in another man.

Also, when you say ‘because of something’ she dislikes you, are you sure you don’t know what you’ve done to annoy her? I suspect you do.

I would stop pursuing her because she clearly isn’t interested and, if she changes her mind and you dated, she’ll know where to find you.

Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder but I wouldn’t bank on it in this case.

Q: Are women attracted to guys who feel sorry for themselves and cry "poor me, life's unfair"?

A: Not really. Women are more attracted to men who focus on them rather than themselves and their own issues.

That’s not to say you won’t find a partner but if you are permanently miserable I suspect your partner will struggle.

If, though, you are suffering from depression then you need to talk to your doctor and seek advice and support so that you can get well and be better placed to find a supportive, loving relationship.

Q: How do you win your wife’s trust back when she comes to know that you were talking to someone behind her back for a month?

Things started at our office and she fell in love with me. Now is the time that we both want to move on. Things got so bad that the girl at my office wanted to commit suicide if her husband gets to know about this?

A: Oh dear. You have got yourself into a right mess, haven’t you?

Firstly I think you need to take a little responsibility. Things didn’t just start - you both flirted with one another and started a relationship. And it sounds like you have got the guilts and want to end it whilst she is using emotional blackmail to ensure that you don’t.

Why, I am wondering, will her husband get to know about this? You’re surely not going to tell him if you are concentrating on winning your wife’s trust back are you?

Which can only mean she is threatening to tell her husband if you don’t continue the relationship to force your relationship out into the open - and therefore making sure your wife knows about it.

All you can do is be completely honest with your wife and recommit to her - if you mean it.

You will just have to stand firm with this other girl. I doubt that she will do anything silly but it may be worth you having a private chat with your HR department.

If things are really difficult, unfortunately, you may have to look for another job.

Q: If a guy texts you immediately after the date is over does that mean he liked me?

A: He texted me to drive safe and thank you. Right before I left he said we should do this again. Are all of these signs that he likes me? Sorry it has been so long since I dated?

It certainly looks that way. There is a possibility that he is just being a gentleman though so try not to read too much into it at this stage.

Try not to spend the next few days attached to your phone and since it’s been a while, keep your options open too.

I would give it a week and if you haven’t heard anything perhaps text him asking him if he wants to go out again.

That will be the acid test.

I hope things work out for you.

Q: Why are older women ignored?

A: They aren’t, in my experience unless they are determined to be. Some of the most powerful women in politics are ‘older’, Theresa May, Angela Merkel, Hilary Clinton or in celeb land, Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Charlotte Rampling, etc.

I doubt any of these women would give a fig if they were ignored and would just carry on doing their own thing.

A brilliant example of such an older women is Iris Apfel (look her up on Instagram) -she’s 90 and a fashionista.

The problem is not with women. It’s with the now vastly outdated attitude some people still have to ageing.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page 

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 19 2017

This week - texting a girl friend when you know her boyfriend disapproves, whether being short and ugly stops you finding love and whether your therapist has overstepped the mark.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Today, my therapist said I’ll probably divorce my husband in the near future. Now I just want to prove him wrong. Is my reaction normal? 

I feel really weird but this is how my brain works. There's no doubt that my marriage is in a bad shape but surely working to save my marriage just to prove my therapist wrong is abnormal?

A:It sounds to me like your relationship with your therapist is slightly screwed and you are treating them like a parent. 

It is really not for anybody to tell you to end your marriage. That is a decision for you and you alone. 

A good therapist will help you identify the issues in your marriage and gently suggest ways in which you could improve things But suggesting you need to leave your marriage sounds to me rather unethical. 

Frankly I would change your therapist before you change your husband.

Q: Is it disrespectful to a platonic female friend’s boyfriend if we text each other on a regular basis? 

My friend, who has a very jealous boyfriend (and she is very jealous too), started distancing herself from me and told me that she feels it is disrespectful to her boyfriend for us to text each other and talk to each other as much as we do. We were very good friends.

A: Well if I were the boyfriend, I’d be annoyed and I’m sure you know that. 

I think if you are a good friend to this girl you will understand that your friendship is threatening her relationship and take a step back for a while. 

You surely don’t need to text each other daily. Or is there a little more going on here? 

Are you hoping that she becomes your girlfriend? In which case you need to broach this with her to find out where you stand.

Q: How can I feel better about the fact that I'm short, ugly, and literally no woman will ever like me?

A:It didn’t stop Napoleon, or Genghis Khan (also short) did it? 

Looks aren’t everything. Intelligence, kindness and interest in your partner will take you further than a 6 pack every time. 

I’ll bet you are not as plain as you’re making out. Everyone has something about them. 

I’d suggest you read a few books about the Law of Attraction too - what you give out you get back.

Start acting like a handsome devil and you may be surprised at the attention you get.

Q:Can people with dyslexia form friendships or relationships with other people?

A: Well of course they can. 

It sounds as if you are suffering from a massive crisis in confidence when there is really no need. 

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this? Is there a dyslexia support group nearby? A good place to find support is the British Dyslexia Association who have a helpline (0333 405 4567).

Are there any support groups near you, or is there a dyslexia forum on Facebook where you can chat to others? 

You really aren’t alone with this you know.

Q: Should I get her number from someone else? 

I talked to her last week and asked her out in person. We had a great conversation. She said she wanted to meet next Saturday but would text me about it. She asked for my number but she never texted me. I never got her number. Should I get her number from one of my friends who has it?

A: I think you have to accept that she probably isn’t all that interested - or she has got cold feet. 

Next time why not enter her phone number direct into your phone? 

If you can get her number from your friend I think that’s fine since she has yours but be prepared if you text and hear nothing. 

I think the moment has passed with this one I’m afraid.

Q: If a guy always seems really happy to see you (but you don't see him very often) and you seem to have natural, friendly conversations, why would he quite clearly angle his body away from you part of the time and not stop to say goodbye when he leaves later on?

A: The logical answer is that he’s just being polite.

When we are really interested in someone, we can’t help but give the game away with our body language.

I’ve written about it in this post 32 Way to tell they’re just not that into you Mother Distracted: 32 Ways To Tell They're Just Not Into You

Of course it’s possible he is shy and awkward but not saying goodbye just sounds plain rude to me.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page 

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 18 2017

This week - dating older men when you look extremely young, how to get the message that it's over through to a distraught ex and when you're dumped for being hopeless in bed.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: How do I deal with that ''friend'' that knows I like that girl but still won't let me flirt with her?

It is very annoying, I might be talking to her and maintaining eye contact, having a meaningful conversation or striking up some jokes and there he comes…the stupid, needy piece of garbage that wants all girls to pay attention to him. I don’t want to tell him to stop talking to her right away.

A:Well you can’t. It’s a free world and it is up to the girl in question to decide whom she wants to flirt with.

You cannot control her and by acting all sulking and jealous when this other man turns up, you risk turning her off big time.

If she is interested, it will not make the slightest difference if your ‘friend’ turns up.

I get the impression that she welcomes his attention. If that’s the case, hard though it is, all you can do is quietly withdraw and turn your attention elsewhere. If she is really interested in you, she will make every attempt to let you know.

Q: Is it socially acceptable for youthful looking girls to date older men?

Other people tell me I look very young (most think 14yo or thereabout) but I’m 22 and I think men in their 20’s are immature. Will dating older men look wrong and will I be judged harshly and/or shunned?

A: There’s a chance you might be but you’ll just have to shrug it off, or make sure that you are dressing appropriately for a woman of your age if it really bothers you.

It really is nobody else’s business but I am curious that you have branded ALL 20 something men as immature.

Age is no guarantee of maturity you know, even when you in you’re 40’s!

Also, people sometimes like to flatter so it may be that you don’t actually look too much like a 14 year old. That would be pretty unusual for someone who’s 22.

Rather than be so fixated on age, why don’t you look for a man who respects and loves you for who you are and with whom you have a great connection - rather than one who ticks a box on the age scale?

Q: My boyfriend and I are on a break due to his exams. He doesn't want to talk to me; even on his birthday, he didn't reply to me. What should I do?

A:Hard though it seems, I think you need to accept that this relationship has run its course.

The ‘break’ thing is so often just an excuse for breaking up without hurting the other person’s feelings.

I’m guessing this was your boyfriend’s suggestion? Taking exams is really no reason to take a break is it, when you think about it?

Ignoring you on his birthday is childish and rude and not the actions of someone who wants to be in a relationship with you.

I would stop running after him and let him find you to build bridges and apologise for being an arse.

Frankly, many women would advise that you kick his backside into touch. You deserve better.

Q:My ex insists we slowly stop talking, I want to end things cold turkey but that led to her being miserable for a week. What is really best here?

I ended things a week ago and only led to constant texts and calls about how miserable she is. She wants to end things slowly instead and is coming over tonight.. I feel like this is more of what she wants than what we need if we really plan on getting over each other and she is just stalling.

A: I think you need to stick to your guns because otherwise you are not being fair to her.

You can’t ‘end things slowly’ - you are either in a relationship or you aren’t and she is clearly upset and grasping at straws.

Letting her come over is really just giving her false hope which will make it even harder for her to accept that it’s over. You can’t ‘plan to get over one another’.

You split up and each go your separate ways, each healing the best you can.

This is just going around in circles and is likely to make you both miserable.

Sorry but you need to stick to your guns and cut contact - at least until you know she has accepted it’s over.

Q: How do I get back my ex-girlfriend if she broke up with me because I performed badly in bed? 

A: Why would you want her back if she rejected you for something like that?

I think most women would think that you date a person with feelings rather than some sort of sexual machine.

Sexual performance is a two way street, after all. There is plenty you could do to improve if necessary - you know that, books, videos, etc.

But did she play her part or just lie there expecting you to do all the work? I suspect that this wasn’t the right woman for you if she could dump you for this.

Lots of women rate cuddling, affection and kindness over sexual performance and focus on the man they are with rather than comparing him to Christian Grey in Fifty Shades of Grey.

That’s the kind of woman you need to find.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page 

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 17 2017

This week - when your crushes all friendzone you, whether two nights in a row is desperate and how much advice is wise before it causes trouble between a warring couple?

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: My guy friend always pressures me to be more social or smile more, is this too controlling or does he just really care for my social well being?

A:I’m not clear whether you mean a boyfriend or just a friend who’s a guy. And I’m curious why this man feels you have to smile more. 

Are you shy and introverted? Are you unhappy? Shyness can make us come across as miserable in social situations when actually all we are is anxious. And that’s very, very normal you know. 

I have to say it does sound a little controlling, depending on HOW he is pressuring you. 

There’s a saying in the UK “cheer up love, it’ll never happen” where blokes who consider themselves to be witty incite women who won’t return their attention to smile and acknowledge them. Do you think there’s a little of that going on here? 

Do you look as if you really don’t enjoy this man’s company? That won’t reflect well on him you know. And if you really don’t enjoy his company, why are you hanging around with him?

I get the feeling this ‘friendship’ has run its course and you either need to tell him to shut up and that you’ll behave as you see fit thanks, or find people to hang out with who are kinder, more supportive and accept you as you are. 

I also suspect this man may want more than friendship and gets narky when you don’t seem to be having a whale of a time with him. 

Time to stand up for yourself and be honest.

Q: I had a great time and spent the night with a girl I just met. Is it too desperate to ask her out for a second consecutive night?

A: It depends what type of relationship she thinks you’re having. 

If it’s just no ties sex then there’s no problem but if she is looking for a longer term relationship, I think she might think you’re treating her as a booty call. 

Equally, if that’s all you’re looking for you need to be up front about that as well. 

In general though, I think too much too soon can be the kiss of death for manhy relationships. Why not take the time to get to know each other properly and enjoy the dating stage?

Q: I'm a normal girl. I get friendzoned every time by every guy I have a crush on? What should I do?

A:I think you need to relax and take a step back. 

It may be that you are coming across as too keen and scaring the guys off. Are you picking guys who are unavailable because, at heart, you don’t really want a relationship? 

You don’t HAVE to be in a relationship you know. If you are living life your own way, being happy and enjoying your own company you will be far more attractive to guys than if you come across as desperate for a boyfriend. 

Are these guys already attached? This may make them seem ‘safe’ because there’s less of a chance they’ll hook up with you. 

Crushes are pretty immature things - it’s what youngsters tend to feel when they are testing their feelings and finding their way in the relationship jungle. Why not give yourself a little more time and think about the type of guy who is right for you. 

Whilst you’re doing that build your confidence, go out and enjoy yourself and you’ll probably find you’ll find a guy who is right for you.

Q: Why would a female friend ask you if she should break up with her boyfriend because she is having problems with him? 

I'm one of her better platonic guy friends and she often confides in me with her problems with her boyfriend. She says that he is a very jealous boyfriend. However, she is also a jealous girlfriend with him. But me and her our friends and she straight up asked me what I think she should do.

A: If she has a number of platonic guy friends it’s not totally surprising her current boyfriend isn’t too happy about that, is it? 

It sounds to me like she enjoys male attention and is probably quite happy with her current boyfriend.  
If I were you I would avoid wading in with advice and just be quietly supportive. 

Tell her that if he doesn’t make her happy, then she doesn’t need to stay with him. But it’s not your place to make that decision for her and that’s really what you should be telling her. 

Don’t you have a relationship of your own to concentrate on?

Q: A girl I know asked me, "Are you proud of me," because she quit smoking. Why? 

I’ve been friends with her for awhile now, We kind of dated when we first met, we talk to each other about very personal things. I know she’s been trying to quit smoking, about a month ago she finally did. We stopped talking as much recently, she asked me the other day, It just seemed weird to me.

A: Why would it seem weird? You surely know how difficult it is to give up smoking. 

All she is doing is looking for some sort of recognition from you and a simple ‘well done’. 

It may be that she is looking for more of a relationship than you are prepared to let happen, in which case, you need to set her straight, rather than let her build up her hopes by trying to impress you.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page 

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Getting Divorced - Is Your Partner Spying On You?

If you're getting divorced, you are doubtless stressed and upset.  You have a divorce lawyer who is your confidante, your sounding board and your ally. You can tell them anything, certainly things you wouldn't tell your husband or wife, and together you are forging an escape plan - whether your situation is amicable or no longer friendly.

Your correspondence with them is confidential - or so you think.

Let's be honest, the last thing you want is for your soon to be ex to discover your plans.  You are under enough stress without the additional worry of your partner getting hold of confidential information which could jeopardise the outcome of your case.

But Nicola McInnes, head of family law at Gorvins Solicitors has issued a stark warning about the rise of what she terms 'spousal hackers'.

You may have read this week about Anthea Turner's confessions that she turned detective to prove that her husband Grant Bovey had rekindled his affair with a much younger woman.

Bovey was unaware, she writes, that his seemingly technophobic wife had in fact garnered enough IT knowledge to track him via PC, SatNav and this bicycle computer.

Says McInnes "people planning to get divorced should change their email addresses as soon as they have separated in order to prevent spouses hacking into their account and finding information which can be used against them".

She is finding an increasing number of clients are complaining that their divorcing partner has broken into their email accounts and social media sites such as Facebook.

Be too chatty on Facebook and you may find you've given any advantage you might have had away. Make sure you change all your social media passwords as soon as possible.

Hard though it is, now may be the time to unlike your spouse's Facebook page and to stop following their other accounts. Once the dust has settled you can always re-establish contact but for now you don't want your private thoughts and emotions broadcast to all and sundry.

Says Nicola “We`ve found that hacking spouses are particularly keen to find any emails we may have sent which contain advice as to our client’s entitlement or because they believe their divorcing spouse is hiding income or assets. I had one case when we felt the husband was always a step ahead and my client was convinced that he had read emails we had exchanged"

“Facebook profiles are also targeted because they may contain information that can be referred to in court papers. Some clients have told me that their exes have even threatened to disclose the private photographs they`ve found on social media accounts as a way of getting what they want.”

Studies suggest that 20% of all couples in the UK argue regularly or consider separating which seems like a conservative estimate to me.  Interestingly, the last figures released by the Office for National Statistics in December 2016 showed that divorce had fallen to the lowest level for 40 years in 2014. That said, there were still 111,169 couples in England and Wales who divorced in that year.

And hacking someone else's email account is a criminal act, even if it is done as a prank. Falling foul of the 1990 Computer Misuse Act by doing this can lead to criminal charges and a possible 2 year prison sentence.

It's not surprising that, at such a difficult time, people resent having to change their passwords and email accounts but not doing this could put them in a vulnerable position.

So if you are in the process of getting divorced, it's time to change all your passwords and be very careful about what you confide on social media.

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Problem Page Edition 16 2017

This week - handling commitment issues, spotting the signs of pregnancy and what to do when you can't stop sleeping with your ex student.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Should I stop casually dating this single mother all together? 

We’ve been having consistent casual sex for over a month ever since she moved close by. She has a 2-year-old toddler (boy) whose father isn't involved much. What I don't like is that she continually brings up step-dad talk even after I reject the role. She's a cool person, but should I drop her?

A:I’m intrigued that you are ‘rejecting the step dad talk’ after just a month. 

Has she specifically mentioned this or are you just cheesed off that she rightly prioritises her son and his needs? 

This doesn’t sound as if it’s going anywhere and frankly if it’s just sex you’re after I’d move on before you mess with her, and her son’s feelings. 

If you date a woman with children, you can’t expect the child to take second place.

Q: I haven't been in touch with my ex for a month (We just broke up) seems like he has had a new date already. Should I wish him happy birthday?

A: If you were the dumper as opposed to the dumpee and your ex took it badly, or you think there may be a chance of getting back together, then I would say absolutely. 

If you are hurting or want to send him the greeting to cast a little shade over his new relationship, I’m not sure it’s a good idea. 

Of course, after a little more time has passed, wishing your ex a happy birthday if you are on amicable terms is the mature thing to do, but this all sounds a little too soon and ever so slightly raw. 

Incidentally, the fact that he has a new date doesn’t mean much. Some men can’t stand to be on their own for two minutes. 

Without knowing the exact circumstances of your break-up it’s hard to advise more fully but I would let things lie this year and if he wants you back let him do the running.

Q: How soon will I know if I am pregnant?

A: Missing a period and possibly more than one period is the most reliable way to find out - although an over the counter pregnancy test will be 99.999% accurate and you can do a test after your first missed period. 

Some women do just know though - I had strange cramping in my uterus and felt tired and weepy. It’s easier to know on the second pregnancy though. 

There are plenty of other signs - tender breasts, spots, frequent urination, increased discharge, light spotting (as opposed to the fuller flow of a period). 

If you are trying to get pregnant, make sure you are making healthy changes to your lifestyle and not stressing to give yourself the best chance - no booze, cigarettes, more exercise…. the usual common sense advice. 

And don’t expect to have sex once in a blue moon and then get pregnant first time. It may take a year or longer to conceive. It’s not necessarily the automatic process you think it is. 

If you think it is taking too long, see your GP to make sure you and your partner are in the fullest of health and whether any further investigation is needed.

Q: How do I handle a girl with commitment issues? 

We've been seeing each other for nearly 2 months. We're exclusive and lately she's been very intimate and likes to cuddle a lot and kiss more in public which she didn't like to do before. However, she doesn't want to label anything and would rather take things slow. How should I handle this?

A: 2 months is really a very short time and you probably don’t yet know each other very well beyond the initial attraction. 

You sound very keen and desperate to announce your relationship to all and sundry. She, on the other hand, does not. 

I think she is perfectly sensible to want to take things slowly. Perhaps she has been hurt before or she is mature enough to know that the initial passion can fizzle out leaving the relationship dead in the water if there is no solid friendship behind it. 

If, on the other hand, she won’t acknowledge your relationship to at least her family and closest friends, I would be a little suspicious. 

You use the term ‘exclusive’ - are you sure she’s not just trying to keep her options open? 

The only thing you can do is have a frank and open conversation about whether you really are exclusive but at just 2 months in, I don’t think you should be pushing for a firm commitment. 

Q: I slept with my ex student. I am married with kids. My body really craves for him. Is it normal?

A: I’m intrigued that you seem to ask completely the wrong question. 

Is it normal is really not the issue. Infidelity happens all the time. We know this and it does not excuse it. 

What you are really asking is can you justify sleeping with your ex student because your hormones are talking louder than your brain. And the answer to that one is no. But you know that, don’t you? 

To potentially throw away a marriage and embarass the hell out of your kids for a brief moment of passion doesn’t seem like much of an exchange to me. 

And as a mature woman, using the ‘my body made me and I can’t help myself’ card is a little lame, don’t you think? 

I sense that you are really miserable but unless you want to make things far worse (surely there’s a lack of professionalism in sleeping with an ex student too), I would quietly say goodbye to your fling, hope your husband doesn’t find out and focus on what you would lose if this all came to light. 

You’re human - of course you are - but if you’re looking for validation that you are still attractive and sexy, it’s your relationship with your husband that needs working on. Don’t judge yourself too harshly but for heavens sake take a moment and think.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition15 2017

This week - whether taller is better and what to do when your husband's 'friend' is getting a little too close for comfort.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Is it better to break up or continue the relationship with only one of us trying to keep the relationship alive?

I have been in a relationship for over 4 years now. Since the past 4 months it's been a long distance relationship and its become very hard to cope up since she shows no interest at all. I don't know whether I should end it or continue it till she realizes her fault?

A: If she shows no interest then it sounds, sadly, as if the relationship is over. 

You sound very angry about it but I would suggest that it is not ‘her fault’. Sometimes we need to see the writing on the wall and accept that it’s over and then move on. 

Have you actually asked her if she is still interested? 

I think you need a frank conversation with her now - rather than wasting any more time in the hope that she will ‘realise it’s her fault’ and beg forgiveness.

To be frank, it doesn’t look as if she’s going to after 4 months.

I think, hard though it is, you need to find out what is really going on and be prepared to end things. 

If she has moved to start a new job though, it may be entirely natural that she is preoccupied with setting up her new home, job etc. 

Just make sure you are not unreasonably demanding attention she might not be able to give until she has got herself sorted.

Q: Is it possible to sleep with your ex three years after breaking up and have no feelings?

A: In theory yes but why would you? Surely in that instance they are no longer your ex. 

Are you suggesting sleeping with them to ‘test’ your feelings? That would be madness. 

It sounds as if you have not moved on from the relationship which, after 3 years, is not ideal. 

Far better to concentrate on a new relationship and one where there is no game playing, ‘feeling testing’ or hankering over something that has long since ended.

Q: Is a 6′7′′ guy always more attractive than a 6′2′′ guy?

A: What has height got to do with how attractive you are? 

Some women like very tall men, some women like tall men and some women, frankly, just don’t care. 

Why not concentrate on developing a great personality, a kind disposition and a good soul? Far more likely to win the girls than an extra 5″ in height.

Q: Are there any young girls who like older men? 

A: Forgive me but that’s a slightly creepy question and I think you need to qualify exactly what you mean by young and ‘older’. 

Assuming you are talking about girls over the age of sexual consent in your particular country, then yes, there obviously are but if you are talking about older men deliberately targeting younger women for their age then I’d gently suggest there might be one or two other things you should be thinking about.


Q: What does it mean if you ask your husband to stop interacting with someone who is attracted to him and he defends her and their friendship? 

A:It would be tempting to say that he feels guilty and needs to defend both her and his actions. 

I have to say I suspect a lot of women would sympathise with your situation and if it were my husband I would not be happy at all. 

I suppose it depends how much time he spends with her and the nature of their communication - for example if she is always sending him flirty texts or Facebook messages or ringing him at inappropriate hours. 

I think you have every right to say whilst you are married to me I don’t expect you to be encouraging the attentions of other women. 

Friendship is one thing but if it’s clear she fancies him then he is playing with fire and I suspect his reaction is precisely because he knows it. 

You are in a difficult situation and need to decide what your ideal outcome is. I do think you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that he needs to think about whether this friendship is more important than his marriage. 

But equally, you need to be prepared if the answer to that question is yes. 

Don’t put up with being played for a fool though. If your gut instinct is telling you something’s up then confronting it now is better than waiting and being miserable.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page 

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 14 2017

This week - when you accidentally manage to insult your boss, how to get your boyfriend to upgrade his restaurant choices and how often you should email in a long distance relationship.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Do you think he meant what he said? 

I jokingly told one of my managers that he gives me anxiety and he said "well you give me headaches" and then something else I didn't catch. I don't know if he meant it or not but it made me wonder if he was just joking too.

A: It wasn’t the most tactful thing to say to a manager, was it and I’m not surprised you got a sharp retort and possibly something muttered under his breath. 

I’d just let it go and make an extra effort to be helpful and respectful with him in future - unless he really does give you anxiety in which case you should have a quiet word with HR. 

I wouldn’t escalate this unless you absolutely have to.

Q: How long before someone is late for a date that it becomes rude and not just late?

A: I’d say 20 minutes would be the point at which my patience would be severely tested. It all depends on whether you have had a text or call in the meantime telling you they’re delayed and explaining why. 

Or whether they have a sensible explanation when they reach you - it’s easy to be stuck in traffic, or held up at work for example. 

Some people are, unfortunately, habitually late and if that’s a quality that irks you (it drives me nuts!), then I’d change your date.

Q: What does it mean when your boyfriend says he doesn't care if you leave?

A: It means he doesn’t deserve you and he needs to grow up. 

If he doesn’t want to be in a relationship he has to man up and leave. I’m sorry but it sounds as if he is saying he wants to leave but doesn’t have the bottle to make the break himself so he is pushing you into doing it. 

I really wouldn’t waste any more time on him. In your shoes my response would be “right, I’m off then”. You don’t need to spend time with passive aggressive bullies or men who are chronically immature.

Q: Is it normal and/or is it a must to consistently send emails to someone in long-distance, online dating? 

Email is our only way of communication as of now, although we sometimes chat on social media. Should I always update or check up on her once in a while - especially when I see her online? I'm avoiding too much contact so as not to be too needy or clingy.

A: Well if you don’t have some communication in a long distance relationship what is the point? 

I’m sorry but I really don’t think long distance relationships work very well for long. It’s a lot of work, isn’t it, to keep it going? 

Shouldn’t you be asking her about the best way to run this relationship? It sounds as if you don’t quite know what’s going on. 

In your shoes, frankly I would be looking for a relationship closer to home which relies on that old fashioned method of communication - talking. 

And she should be making as much effort as you are. If you are not hearing anything from her via email or social media then it doesn’t look like she’s all that interested. 

To me the acid test is if either of you actually pick up the phone and talk in person. That’s how you have a real relationship.

Q: How do I suggest better restaurants to go to with my boyfriend without being offensive or ungrateful? He normally pays when we go out. I have also. 

A: When you say better, do you mean more expensive or do you mean restaurants where they serve better food? 

I would focus on the quality of the meal. Otherwise you risk sounding as if you are treating your boyfriend as a meal ticket. Not cool. 

Why don’t you pick a restaurant you fancy and offer to treat him. If he enjoys it he might get the message but if you are picking restaurants you know are out of his budget and expecting him to pay then that’s not fair. Splitting the bill would be the nicest thing to do. 

Surely time with your boyfriend is more important than the food in any case. Why not pack a picnic or go to the movies. It doesn’t always have to be about food, does it?

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.


Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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