Fallen Out Of Love With Yourself? Here’s How To Change That!

If you are currently going through an appearance rut, don’t worry because you are not alone. At one point or another, most of us end up falling out of love with ourselves. We begin to feel as if we aren’t good enough in terms of how we look, and it starts to impact our self-esteem. Not feeling good enough is a horrible feeling and one that most women have experienced at least once in their lifetimes.



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Feeling down about how you look? Don’t worry because you are not alone. Honestly, it happens to us all. When you are in a rut, it can feel as if you will never get out of it and will never feel better about yourself again. However, that’s not true, sooner or later you will begin to get your confidence back and start loving yourself for who you are again.

Now, the key to doing that is making some changes. Making changes doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with how you look now, it’s just to help give your confidence a boost. By making some small changes to how you look, and also to your lifestyle, you should begin to feel more confident in your appearance and who you are.

With that in mind, below is some inspiration for falling back in love with yourself after being in a rut. For everything that you need to know, read on.

Get a new hairdo

Have you worn your hair in the same style or updo for what seems like years? Well then, now is the time for a change. It might only be a small thing but having your hair cut into a new style, dyed, or finding new ways to wear it, can help to give your self-esteem a boost. Getting a new haircut might only be a small thing, but it can make a big difference to how you feel about yourself, especially if you end up loving your new look. 

If you are unsure about what to do with your hair, your best bet is to have a browse online for ideas or to ask your hairdresser what they would suggest doing with it. Perhaps you’ve always worn your hair long, but your hairdresser reckons that you would suit a pixie crop? Or maybe you’ve always been blonde but you want to try being brunette instead? It doesn’t matter how you change your hair, just as long as you are happy with the changes and love your new look.

Change up your makeup routine

Do you tend to always wear your makeup in the same style? How about swapping your old makeup style for a new one? The chances are that you are comfortable in your makeup routine, but if it’s been the same for a while, it could be worth mixing things up a bit and trying something new. 

If you’re not sure how to go about doing that, your best bet is to take a look online on YouTube and on beauty blogs to get some ideas and inspiration. 

Another option could be to book yourself in for a makeover at a beauty counter so that you can work with a makeup artist to find a new makeup look to try. 

Once you’ve found a new makeup look that you love, the chances are that you will begin to feel more confident again, so it’s worth taking the time to change up your look.

Invest in your wardrobe



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Believe it or not, what you wear has a big impact on how you feel about yourself. If you want to feel good about your appearance, you need to be happy and confident in how you dress. If most of your clothes are old and outdated, it’s going to impact how you feel about yourself, which is why updating your wardrobe is worth doing. It might only be a small thing - picking out a few items of clothing - but it can make a big difference to how you feel about yourself. 

If you haven’t updated your wardrobe in a while, head to your local shopping centre and do some shopping. Whether you buy a couple of new items or replace your entire wardrobe, it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that you feel happier in what you are wearing. Because if you feel happy in your clothing, then you are more likely to feel confident about your appearance, it's as simple as that.

Have your teeth whitened

If your teeth aren’t in the best shape and have taken on a yellow hue, then you may be thinking about getting them whitened. If there’s one thing that has an impact on our self-confidence, it’s our smiles. This is because they are one of our most visible features and the first thing that we notice about people when meeting them for the first time. If you are going to have your teeth whitened, either professionally or using a DIY kit, it’s a good idea to cut out anything that will stain your teeth, such as red wine or smoking, for instance. Giving up smoking isn’t easy, but with the help of an e-cigarette like the ones that Aspire eCig UK offer, you can make the process easier. You will feel so much better for it, especially when your teeth stay looking dazzling white.

Get in better shape

Have you let yourself go a bit? If you have realised that you have gained a few pounds and aren’t in the same physical shape as you used to be, then perhaps you might want to change that. What you weigh shouldn’t impact your self-esteem, but if it is, then it’s important to make changes so that you feel better about yourself. 

If you don’t already exercise regularly, perhaps is could be time to start? Believe it or not, once you have started exercising you will find that you feel much better about yourself and much more content. When we exercise, we release endorphins, and endorphins make us happy, which in turn helps to boost our self-esteem. 

As well as exercising regularly, another great way to improve how you feel about yourself is to eat well. When you eat healthy, wholesome foods, you tend to feel better about yourself, which is why it’s worth making changes.

Be more positive about your appearance



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Last but not least, it’s a good idea to try to be more positive about yourself and your appearance.If you want to fall in love with yourself again, you need to learn to be more positive about how you look. The more positive you are about your appearance, the better you will feel about yourself. A positive mindset is the key to success when it comes to improving your self-esteem, so it pays to aim to be more positive about things. 

To do this, the best thing to do is focus on the things that you like about your appearance, rather than the negative things. That way, you can slowly improve how you feel about yourself, and give your confidence a boost. It will take time but if you try to be as positive as possible, you will begin to see results and will start to love yourself again.

There you have it, everything that you need to know about falling back in love with yourself again and improving your confidence. Admittedly, being self-confident is not always easy, but the fact is it is possible to improve how you feel about yourself, it just takes time, that’s all.

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Problem Page Edition 13 2017

This week - how to stop your boyfriend from smoking, why your ex would block you and whether flirting could be 'creepy'.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Why would my ex block me and then unblock me?

A: It depends how long ago it was you split up. 

If it’s recent, it may be that they have had a change of heart or, if the break-up was their fault, they simply feel guilty about blocking you. 

If, on the other hand, you been messaging them with anything angry or vindictive, or openly criticising them on timelines etc, you shouldn’t be surprised at being blocked, particularly if your messages were visible to their friends and family. Social media is not the place to air your dirty laundry. 

If things ended a while ago, perhaps they feel that now your relationship is in the past, it is OK to remain friends. 

The only way you will know is if they make contact with you directly. 

If you did nothing to warrant being blocked, I would feel pretty annoyed and not waste any further time on them. It’s pretty childish behaviour, don’t you think?

Q: My boyfriend smokes a lot. How can I make him understand that he has to end? 

A: Smoking is an addiction so it’s not as easy as telling someone they HAVE to stop. Unless they’ve been living in a cave, they’re well aware of the damage they are doing to their health. 

Perhaps in the first instance it would be better to encourage them to cut down. 

You may find some ideas in my post about this "Will This Help Your Loved One To Reduce Their Smoking Habit?" 

The more you nag him to stop, the more he will continue I suspect. 

If his smoking is a deal-breaker for you and he won’t stop, then I think you need to tell him that the passive smoking he’s putting you through is harming your health as well and you want a boyfriend who respects both his, and your body. 

After all, if he won’t choose you over smoking then that doesn’t bode too well for your future relationship. 

I think someone who wants to be with you will at least be willing to agree to some sort of compromise. 

But he’s not a child and he really needs to decide to stop for himself. 

Q: Will he come back if I take time away? 

My boyfriend ended things because he wasn't happy with himself and was tired of my lack of trust. I know he had been feeling this way for a while; the breakup wasn't abrupt. The breakup had us both in tears however he said he wasn't getting back with me. If I let go, will he come back? Advice?

A: My question to you is, if you don’t trust him, why would you want to take him back? 

It sounds, I’m afraid, as if he has made his mind up and is spinning you the old “It isn’t you, it’s me” line. 

But is there more to it? 

If he has been miserable for a while, has he been suffering from depression for example. Has there been someone else in the background whilst all this has been going on? 

I am sure you feel heartbroken but the best way to inspire him to come back is to build a life without him and don’t let him see you are hurting. 

Desperately trying to hang on to him may make him more determined to go - and I think you should have pride enough not to give him the satisfaction. 

It doesn’t sound as if this was going anywhere and with time apart you may meet someone far more suitable, and someone who you can trust. 

Very often if we don’t trust someone, our gut instinct has come into play and is shouting a message at us. 

I suspect it may be time to listen to yours. 

Q: Does she like me, or think I'm creepy? 

There's this girl in my coworking space. I always catch her taking a quick glance at me, but I pretend not to notice. She does the same thing walking in the building when I'm already inside. I feel like she's keeping tabs on me, than showing actual interest. Why would girls do this? 

A: I’m guessing you don’t have much experience with women. Hasn’t it dawned on you she might be flirting with you? 

Lots of girls still believe the guy should make the first move, old fashioned as that may seem. And if you are reacting as if she thinks you’re a creep, it’s not really surprising she’s not started up a conversation is it? 

If you’re interested then return her smiles. Say hello. If you’re not interested then carry on ignoring her. She’ll get the message soon enough. 

Q: How would you feel if you were sleeping with someone and suddenly they tell you that they're engaged to their ex? And they declare it to everyone.

A: I would ask them to pack their stuff and get their cheating backside out of my home and then never see them again. 

How you feel is immaterial. What you do about it is what matters. 

By the way, how can they be engaged to their ex? Their ex is very much not an ex then surely. 

I do wonder how much you knew about this person but if they had led you to believe that you were in a bona fide relationship I would be absolutely livid. 

Tempting as it is to tell the fiancee I’d do the decent thing and keep schtum. She’ll find out what a rat he is soon enough. 

You just need to move on with your head held high and ask a few more searching questions next time. 

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 12 2017

This week - your partner's cheating when you've just had a baby and jealousy when your friend makes it big and you feel left behind. Plus, can gift giving mean you're hitting on someone?

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Would you date someone you’re not attracted to because they offer you financial security?

A: Interesting question. In the past, marriages were often made entirely to secure land and wealth but then women didn’t really have much option.

Personally I couldn’t marry someone I didn’t love - particularly if they didn’t know I didn’t love them. Big lies like that have a habit of coming back to bite us.

And seeking financial security from a man is still a little 19th century, don’t you think?

Wouldn’t you feel better about yourself if you made your own way, earned your own money and took control of your own destiny?

Rather than letting a well off bloke you don’t fancy all that much lock you in to a relationship with all the appeal of mud.

Q: If a female friend gives a guy a gift, do they automatically assume she has an ulterior motive? 

My friend got accepted to nursing school (he is the first college attendee in his family). I got him an antique book of medicine that we love. I am afraid if I give it to him, he will think I'm hitting on him. Anyone who knows me knows I am a giver- it is in congratulations for this big step.

A: It’s a lovely gesture you are considering, but there’s a chance he may wonder if it is a romantic overture.

I guess it depends what kind of relationship you have and whether you exchange gifts at any other time - Christmas, birthdays and so forth. If you don’t this may come a bit left field. 

Do you know his family? Have they met you? 

If you will get a lot of pleasure from giving the gift then just accept he may wonder about your motives and shrug it off. 

I think lots of people would say the gifts should be coming from his family though.

I would look for a new boyfriend I can actually spend time with on a regular basis - and closer to home.

Q: I have a best friend who made it to Harvard and I feel worthless when I see all of his achievements. How do I stop comparing myself to him?

A: You know that everyone has different talents and abilities. 

It does not make one person better than another, just different. It is natural to envy someone’s success and to compare their life with ours. 

Rather than wallow in self pity though, why not ask yourself a couple of questions like did your friend work his butt off to succeed? Are you as dedicated? Do you work as hard? Did your friend have a clear idea of his goal in life? Do you know what you want? 

My point is you can use these feelings to examine your own life and see whether you need to make changes. 

In this case comparison might be the impetus you need to take stock and then take action. 

I am entirely sure you are not worthless and even if he succeeds at Harvard that is not necessarily a golden ticket to a dream job, a dream family, a dream life. It’s just a very good starting block to run from. 

Why not make a list of your achievements and then ask yourself what you’d like to add to it in the next few years. 

And go for it.

Q: How bad is it that my boyfriend is very upset with me and I don't really care? 

He stormed out just now and I was just relieved that he was gone. Why? Now I don't have to hear him curse at me or listen to his angry rant about me going out while he does the exact same thing way more often. 

A: It does seem an extreme reaction from him if the only issue is that you go out without him and he goes out without you. Is there more to it than that? 

If not, your boyfriend is being a hypocrite. It sounds like there’s a battle for control going on here and it certainly doesn’t sound like a fun relationship to be in. It also sounds pretty immature. 

You sound as if you have had enough of him and you shouldn’t put up with anyone cursing you or ranting at you. 

I think the pair of you have to sit down and have an honest conversation about what is acceptable in a relationship to both of you - and whether there is enough to salvage to make it worth putting more effort in. 

Because for it to work, BOTH of you might have to change. 

And if you’re already too angry to care, it might be time to find a new boyfriend.

Q: I have just found out that the father of my 6-month-old daughter has been cheating on me with his female friend. What should I do?

A: I am really sorry if this is the case because when we have just had a baby our self confidence may sometimes be at an all time low as we adjust to the pressures of becoming a mum (whether for the first time or subsequently). 

I am sure you are torn between feeling awful and wanting to kick him to the kerb. 

Pregnancy is often a difficult time for fathers to be and affairs during this time are very common. 

Some men do not have the maturity to cope with lack of sex during their partners pregnancy or may feel pushed out of the new family unit as their partner is totally (and naturally) absorbed with the baby. 

This is no way excuses this behaviour and men like this need to grow up fast. It may, however, explain the reason for his wandering. 

Was everything OK before the baby? You have no doubt heard the term “sticking plaster baby” where a couple is having problems and decides that having a baby will make everything better. It very often doesn’t. 

Do you have proof of the affair? Make sure you have your facts straight and then sit down with him and ask him for an honest explanation. I would speak to him first before you speak to the ‘friend’. 

If he confesses then you either forgive him and gain his reassurance that this was a one-off or you tell him to leave. 

Either way the trust has been broken and it will be difficult to put it all behind you and move on. 

He may, however, be a useless partner but there is no reason why he can’t, in time, be a decent father.

Your initial job is to find out what happened and decide whether your relationship is worth saving. And the female ‘friend’ needs to go if that is to happen. 

I doubt very much that this was anything to do with you. Time for your partner to grow up and face his responsibilities. 

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 11 2017

This week - who should text first, what "taking a relationship break" really means and a worrying case of stalking.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: My parents yell and hit me and throw objects too when I do not do my school work or get poor grades. Is that abusive? 

Every time I play on my phone instead of doing work they yell at me. Every time I bring back a D grade they hit me and throw objects at me. Is this abusive?

A: Yes it is and I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. 

It is clear that your parents want you to do well but reacting like this is not acceptable. Have you tried telling them how you feel? 

I appreciate this is unlikely to improve matters but it may pave the way for a conversation and some solutions - for example finding you a tutor if you are struggling with a particular topic. 

On your part though, I hope that you are doing your best and not bunking off school. That’s not going to help either. 

Is there another family member or close friend you could confide in? 

You do not say what country you live in but if it is the UK you can call Childline confidentially on 0870 336 2920. 

Rest assured that you won’t be the only one putting up with this. 

Q: Why does he rarely text me first, even though we are dating? 

I’m in a long distance relationship with a guy but he rarely texts me first.  I usually text him first. He sometimes take a long time to respond and then only with “sorry for not replying”. A day after (still rarely) he'll text me as if nothing’s happened.

A: It really doesn’t sound as if this man is very interested and, since it’s a long distance relationship, that’s not altogether surprising. 

Rather than concentrating on the frequency of the texting, ask yourself how often you actually SEE him. 

Have you made plans to get together? Do you SKYPE or Facetime? Forgive me but it doesn’t sound much of a relationship if all you do is text one another. 

I would stop texting him and let him do the running but it sounds as if things have petered out, at least on his side. 

I would look for a new boyfriend I can actually spend time with on a regular basis - and closer to home.

Q: When your significant other says they want to "take a break" from the relationship, should you take it as "break up" and forget them and move on with your life?

A: I would, in all honesty because I suspect lots of people use “taking a break” as shorthand for “I want to break up but I don’t have the guts to tell you” or “I fancy sleeping with someone else but I’ll keep you on the back burner just in case”. 

I’m sure you’re feeling really hurt and disappointed but I would be strong and tell them “OK but don’t expect me to be still here when you decide to come back” and then go out and enjoy yourself, date other people and don’t be permanently attached to your phone so that you respond immediately to any casual text, call or Facebook message. 

Let them wonder what’s going on with you and then decide if they’re worth the bother of keeping in touch with anyway.

Q: A boy has loved me for a long time, but I don’t feel the same for him. I think that I can get someone better in the future. So should I commit to him or not?

A: If you don’t feel the same then don’t mess with the poor boy’s feelings. 

Make sure, though, that you are clear what you mean when you say “I can get better in future”. 

Better how? Better looking, a nicer person, a better earner? 

Of course you shouldn’t commit to someone you don’t love but it means having the bravery to tell him and to stand firm in your belief that there is someone better out there. 

Just make sure you’re not about to ditch a really nice guy because you think a millionaire in a Ferrari is waiting around the corner to whisk you off. 

That seldom happens I’m afraid.

Q: My friend has been having a guy follow her and sitting outside her work. The police say he is not a threat. Can she make them take the report?

A: I’m sure lots of women reading this will be totally exasperated at the police’s apparent lack of concern. 

I would tell your friend to go back and report it AGAIN until she is taken seriously. It may also be worth speaking to Citizens’ Advice Bureau (or similar) for some legal advice. 

Do you have photographic evidence of this guy stalking? Does she know this man? Are you sure you have all the information about the story? 

Are you and her family / friends making sure she is accompanied and not left to travel on her own? 

Has she reported this man to her employer because if he’s making a nuisance of himself outside her place of work, they have a duty of care towards her as well. 

Please don’t take any chances. Call 999 /911 if you have to.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 10 2017

This week - dreaming about a partner cheating and an ex who denies they ever dated you.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: How do I tell if a guy treats me like a sister or a potential girlfriend? 

This guy I like has confusing behaviour. He often flirts with me but sometimes talks to me as if I am a a small kid, I don’t know how to explain. He ‘stalks’ me on Facebook and likes my pictures too. How can I decipher his actions?

A: It sounds as if he is interested in you but I would be less than impressed with being patronised by his speaking to you as if you are a child. 

It sounds like he is rather full of himself and certain that you will fall at his feet! Either that or he lacks confidence and has little experience with women and is trying to make out he is the ‘big man’.

It’s not a quality I personally would find very attractive, nor the stalking on facebook. 

It’s up to you to decide whether you want a relationship with him or not and, if not, I would be tempted to unfriend him on Facebook - once you have told him clearly that you are not interested. 

I suspect at the moment he is getting rather mixed messages.

Q: Is it normal if my boyfriend have never given a gift for me thought we were in a distant relationship about 3 years?

A: I’m assuming you have actually met this man in which case, yes, it is rather odd. 

Does he send birthday cards? Valentines cards? Do you send him presents? 

Are you the one doing all the running in this relationship? 

If he has stopped reciprocating, or returning your calls, or showing concern for how you are and making plans to get together, then it sounds as if your relationship has run its course. 

I am sure you can find someone closer to home who will care for you a lot better.

Q: How can I stop getting bothered about the way my ex girlfriend rewrote our history? 

She probably has good reason for her behaviour which I can understand.  I’m guessing that I killed her attraction with neediness, jealousy and other insecure behaviours. Still it bothers me how someone can do a 180 from chasing me, to denying that we dated for a whole year.

A: She is being rather immature but, if you were unkind to her then I can see why she would rather pretend the whole experience didn’t exist. 

I would also suggest that it is possible she left for reasons other than your behaviour - people sometimes just get tired of being in a relationship - so I would not heap too much blame on yourself.

The truth is you can analyse this forever and still not come up with the exact reason for her behaviour. 

The point is, how are you going to go forward and what are you going to do to make sure that your issues don’t affect your next relationship? 

This relationship didn’t work. Let it go and focus on being positive, happy and finding someone with whom you feel confident and who you can trust.

Q: What does it mean if I have been dreaming about my partner cheating on me? 

A: Sometimes we dream the most ridiculous things for no reason at all. 

Dreams, the theory goes, are the brain’s way of filing the days events into the computer of our subconscious. 

I have also read that we tend to dream in symbols which can sometimes be far more unpleasant than their actual meaning. 

For example, a common dream is that your teeth are falling out, or that you are falling off a cliff. The teeth one is supposed to mean that you fear ageing or being less productive. So, dreaming that your spouse is cheating on you might not actually mean that. 

It may symbolise that you fear people are not being honest with you in general, or something is making you question your trust for people. 

A more probably explanation is that this dream is just a symptom of insecurity in your relationship and, rather than go off the deep end and assume you have had a psychic warning, I would sit down with a cup of coffee and think about what it is that is making you feel unsettled. 

In your dream is your partner cheating on you with someone you know? Ask yourself if there is any basis to think that this might be true. 

You could jokingly mention your dream to your partner and gauge his reaction. And if you are feeling insecurity talk to him about it and ask for reassurance. 

The dream may also have meant that you need to take better care of your partner to ensure he doesn’t wander off. Have you been neglecting him? 

In all likelihood, this was just a silly dream which meant nothing but a bit of extra quality time together wouldn’t hurt.

Q: My girlfriend won't reply to me ,what should I do to get her attention? 

She has depression and is taking pills these days saying that she's really not good. I always text her to make her feel safe.  Now she's not replying but I can see that she is active on social media.  Her profile picture says that love sucks and a friend is better.

A: I’m not sure there is much you can do. 

It may be that her behaviour is a symptom of her depression for which she deserves sympathy and understanding. 

You don’t say what pill she takes but hopefully these have been prescribed by a doctor to help her with her depression. 

Her comment about ‘love sucks’ makes me wonder if there is anything else going on between you two. 

That comment sounds bitter and as if it relates to something specific. Are you sure you have not done something to upset her? Or given her cause to suspect that you have? 

If she is ignoring you you may be better off stopping the texts for a while to see if she notices and decides to respond. 

It may be that the ignoring is a form of attention seeking behaviour. When we are depressed sometimes we push away the things we really want because we feel we don’t deserve them. 

I would give her some time and concentrate on you. Stop the Facebook stalking and go out and enjoy yourself. 

Whilst it is commendable that you are looking out for her, you are not, as they say, her keeper. 

Time for your own happiness to come first.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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How Does Insecurity Affect Your Relationships?

What is the biggest threat to the health of a relationship?

Different people will have different answers. Some will suggest the biggest threat is undoubtedly infidelity. There’s some reason to be cautious of this; nearly half of men admit they have been unfaithful to their partner. While the statistic is lower for women at 21%, it’s still a notable amount. So surely this is the biggest threat?

Or perhaps it’s something else - such as differing opinions. What if your political beliefs are different? Or you have very diverse opinions on how you should be raising your children? That can drive a wedge between what was once a functioning relationship.

The above are serious; there is no way to downplay them. Infidelity and opinion separations are big factors in weakening a relationship. But perhaps the biggest problem of them all is one that is pernicious, hidden beneath the surface, and - arguably - at the root of every other problem a relationship has.


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Insecurity Is Defining

In a healthy relationship, the feeling of security takes centre stage. It allows you to make plans for the future, make decisions with an innate knowledge of what your partner would say, feel confident about the choices you embark on together. It allows you to see things through a clear lens; if your husband is nice to the pretty waitress, he’s just being nice to the pretty waitress, because he’s a nice guy. That’s why you married him.

Without that security, then everything begins to crack. The ground beneath your feet, the foundation your life is built on when you enter a long-term relationship, is undergoing an earthquake.

The most innocent of conversations with your partner becomes a minefield. When he mentions a female colleague offhandedly, you immediately begin to wonder why he brought her up. You find yourself lingering over articles about how to spot if your man is cheating and then looking for signs. 

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It impacts outside of the constant fear of infidelity, too. If you don’t feel secure, you are going to be hesitant to make plans. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? You’re not sure. It’s not simple to plan a future when you spend your life wondering if you have one with your partner.

There is also the simple matter of crisis management. We all need to feel that if we go through a bad time, we are going to be supported. If you have a suspicion (or an outright confirmed belief) that your partner is not going to catch you if you fall, then it undermines everything you have built together.

Diminishing Insecurity For… New Relationships

If you’ve been together for under a year, then you might not be sure if you’re going to spend your life with this person. A certain level of insecurity is to be expected here. You’re still figuring one another out, establishing the boundaries, and seeing if you have a match that might be built to last.

If you find yourself constantly fretting about infidelity in a new relationship, you need to try and examine why this is happening. Do you have a real reason for concern? Or are you seeing problems where none exist?

Diminishing Insecurity For… Mature Relationships

Once you pass the 12-month mark as a couple, you should have solved a lot of the early problems. By this point, you’ve solved a few relationship dilemmas and know how to handle one another at your worst.

The best way to control insecurity is to have a conversation about the future. Establish if you’re on the same page and believe you’re moving in the same direction. If they’re not willing to do that, then it’s going to be a major cause for concern for you. Don’t be brushed off with “we’ll talk about that later” - you have a right to know where you stand by now. 

Diminishing Insecurity For… Couples Who Live Together

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You’ve already begun the process of merging your lives. The idea of marriage might be on the table, but it’s worth noting that marriage is not necessary to feelings of security. As the next section will show, it’s possible to be married and insecure.

However, for cohabiting couples, it’s important you both know what the next step is. If neither of you wants to get married, then that’s completely legitimate in this day and age. It may help calm your nerves if you solve the practical side of this decision first. You can make agreements on who takes what from the relationship should it fail, which is particularly important if you own the property you live in. Knowing your financial future is taken care of can help you feel more settled; and a lot of couples benefit from a “what if” conversation, finding it helps cement their desire for that “what if” never to come to pass.

If marriage, kids, and a white picket fence is something you both want, then talk about it! It’s not romantic to just wait for the man to propose; that’s too old-fashioned and can lead to a huge upswing in insecurity.

Diminishing Insecurity For… Married Couples





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The major insecurity for married couples tends to be infidelity. You already have the legal and home situations grounded; your finances are likely to be entwined. That side of security is ticked off.

So why do people worry about their spouse cheating on them? It’s hard to ignore the fact that some worry because it’s a real possibility. While the reasons that people cheat are wide and varied, one of the major causes is not feeling a connection to your partner.

The longer a couple has been together, the more likely they are to take one another for granted. That person becomes part of the fabric of life; time with them feels as natural as spending time on your own. That’s a good thing, but push it too far and it will quickly turn on you.

The concept of a “date night” might be cliched, but there’s something to it. It gives you a chance to refocus on one another, to see the romantic side of your spouse alongside the person that you talk about roof repairs and child school reports with. Take time to remember why you fell in love and your security will flourish.


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My Problem Page Edition 9 2017

This week I'm talking about whether a toxic relationship calls for time out to parent the kids, how to deal with someone you fancy who doesn't want a relationship but keeps calling anyway, and whether your kids should love you unconditionally.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: If your relationship is toxic, would you take a time out to parent your children? 

You can't live together or without each other. You constantly break up and get back together. The love is strong but you can't seem to make it work and your children are caught in the middle.

A: It depends on the reason why you keep breaking up. 

If it is infidelity then putting your children through this is unfair, let alone the effect on the partner who is being cheated on. 

If it is the usual niggles of being in a long term relationship, then, forgive me, but a lot of people would say you both need to grow up and focus on your children. 

I am not saying it isn’t difficult or draining - because I’m sure it is, but you talk about your relationship as if it is a teenage romance “the love is strong but you can’t seem to make it work”. 

Sit down together and talk. Decide whether you are committed to making this work once and for all. 

If you are the one being cheated on then it is up to you to say “enough”. This is what I will and will not put up with and stick to it. 

Ultimatums don’t work but firm, committed action may. 

Have you considered family or relationship counselling? Could a family member take the children for a bit while you work through your differences? 

I wish you luck but I do think you need to stand firm now and stop this endless cycle which is making everybody miserable.

Q: Why do I hear so many people talk about how they have to "look good" together with their partner? 

People say there should be a “nice” height difference (I’m told 4–8 in) and couples should look equally fashionable and attractive. Do people think of themselves as furniture? I understand needing physical attraction but this seems a shallow way to view compatibility.

A: I quite agree with you. It is an incredibly shallow way of looking at compatability and whilst I think we all gravitate towards a certain ‘type’, there are absolutely no rules. 

If you are going to spend your life looking for someone with a 4–8 inch height difference, as opposed to a lovely, kind, thoughtful person who makes you happy, then you are going to have a lonely life. 

I really wouldn’t set much store on comments like this. 

Wouldn’t you rather be a partner than a book-end?

Q: Is it your kids' job to love you as their parent?

A: There’s no question that children should be taught respect - for themselves and for the other people in their life. 

It may be that they also feel an unconditional love for their parents but it is not their ‘job’ and in many ways love, like respect has to be earned. 

It’s easy, though, for us mothers to feel a bit unloved and taken for granted but I think that’s life. After all, you have to let them go at some point. 

So they may love us very much indeed but see absolutely no necessity whatsoever to show us that. 

I usually find with my two that it’s when they’re poorly or when something bad happens that they really need me - and that’s when you see the depth of their feelings. 

But, if you want something that loves you unconditionally and without question, you’re probably better off getting a dog. 

And if your real question is “am I being a good enough parent”, then I’m sure you are.

Q: What is the most polite way to let a man know you want him to stop calling everyday? 

I wanted a relationship and he didn't. He also didn't tell me he wants to stay friends and I don't want him as a friend. Yet he dials me everyday and I feel like my time is wasted where I could be doing something else instead of useless talk. How do I politely let him know? We also work together.

A: It’s obviously trickier because you work together but if he has been clear with you that he doesn’t want a relationships then I think you can just say “look I’m really busy and I don’t have the time for long conversations” or something. Hopefully he’ll get the message. 

If not then do you have number recognition on your phone? If so you can simply not pick up the call. 

Also if he calls at the same time every day, again, don’t answer. Or when you pick up the phone just say “I’m in the middle of something right now I’ll have to catch you later”. 

I’m sure if you do this a few times he’ll get the hint. 

I sense that you don’t want to tell him to stop phoning in case he changes his mind about a relationship and it may be he already has, hence the constant phoning. 

Or he knows how you feel and is enjoying the attention. In which case, the sooner you end the phone calls the better. 

Time to be assertive.

Q: When a girl ignores my text sometimes does it mean that she might be testing me and I have a feeling that she likes me?

A: It could. It could equally mean that she is becoming irritated by you texting her and isn’t really interested. 

You honestly cannot tell via a text. 

If you think she likes you, then ask her out on a date and stop hiding behind your phone. 

If she turns you down then at least you will know how she really feels and not waste any more time chasing a relationship that is going nowhere.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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My Problem Page - Edition 8 2017

This week I'm talking about what constitutes a toxic relationship, how to deal with an ex who dumps you even though they claim they love you and the mystery of limerence.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Should I discuss limerence with my boyfriend? 

I just learned about thing called limerence on internet. I think I am limerent to one guy from my office. I want to discuss this with my boyfriend. Will he not feel bad about me having feeling for someone else?

A: Just because it has a fancy name, does not, unfortunately, mean your boyfriend will be OK with it.

Basically limerence is the same thing as a crush. 

For lots of people, being emotionally attached to somebody else is still being unfaithful. 

You don’t say whether this other guy feels the same, or whether you both flirt with each other, or whether he even knows you’re interested in him (I suspect he does). 

If nothing has happened and you love your boyfriend, I would keep quiet. But it does hint that you are not that happy with your boyfriend and it may be time to move on. 

If you do tell your boyfriend I suspect he won’t be happy but it may be a way to force a resolution to a relationship which you may have outgrown.

Q: A guy and I are interested in each other and are talking to see where it goes. Should I be texting him every day? 

We are talking to see where it goes but he says work is his priority and is unable to talk everyday due to a really hectic schedule. Should I text him a little something at the end of the day everyday to help lift off a little bit of the stress of work? Or would that look too desperate?

A: I’m curious. If you two are really interested in each other, why are you not making arrangements to meet face to face? 

It’s very easy to hide behind text messages without taking any risk (or commitment). I think that this guy has gently told you he’s not that interested in a relationship right now - hence the old “hectic schedule” excuse. 

If he were desperate to meet up he would make the time. I don’t think he’ll be fooled by you texting him something ‘relieve his stress’ everyday and in all honesty I don’t think it will make much difference. 

You’d be better off keeping your distance, not chasing him (certainly not every day) and letting him chase you if he’s interested. 

I can tell you’re really keen but people don’t usually talk about the possibility of having a relationship if it’s right - they get on and have one.

Q: How can we ensure we conceive a baby next month?

A: You can’t. Conception doesn’t work like that. It may take a year to conceive even for healthy couples. 

All you can do is try to work out when ovulation occurs (generally around day 10 of the woman’s 28 day cycle - if she has a regular cycle) and ensure you have unprotected sex during that time. 

You should also ensure your lifestyle is as healthy as possible - good nutrition, limited alcohol, no cigarettes or drugs, plenty of exercise. 

Good luck.

Q: What qualities do very intellectual men like in a woman?

I’m interested in dating a certain male academic. I’ve never dated a particularly intellectual man before so I was wondering what kind of differences there might be in terms of dating.

A: I am not, clearly, a male academic but I do think you have some rather stereotyped ideas of what male academics do on dates. 

I’m sure they don’t drift about quoting from Proust and discussing nuclear fission. 

I’m also unsure that intelligence has all that much to do with love - although it certainly helps if you ‘match’ at least vaguely in that regard. 

It’s clear you want to make a good impression and that’s understandable but you shouldn’t have to change yourself to make someone else happy (I’m not talking about bad behaviours here). 

Has this man actually asked you out on a date though? 

If he has then have confidence in yourself and concentrate on your best qualities. 

It wouldn’t hurt, I suppose to read a little about the guy’s field of interest so you at least understand what he does. But I’m sure you’ll find a date with an academic is barely different from one with a guy on a less cerebral plain.

Q: What does a toxic relationship look like?

I am worried me and my girlfriend are falling into a trap, we love each other dearly, but sometimes have nasty fights.

A: To me a toxic relationship is one in which you both bring out the worst in one another and consequently see these your bad behaviours get worse and worse. 

Or they are relationships where the balance of power is firmly in one partner’s favour while the other, though miserable, does not have the strength or motivation to change things. 

Arguing is perfectly normal in healthy relationships. Physical violence and outright abuse is obviously not. 

You don’t say what constitutes a ‘nasty fight’ but it sounds as if you need to sit down when the dust has settled from one of these fights and talk about what happened and what is annoying you both. 

I suspect you are both aware of exactly what the issues are but don’t make the mistake of hiding behind psychological terms when what you really need to do is talk openly and, if necessary, leave the relationship.

Q: What are the chances of getting back with your ex who loves you but has dumped you?

A: It depends why you were dumped. Did you cheat? Were you unkind? Did they leave for someone else? 

I think a lot of people would say that if your ex truly loved you, they would not have dumped you - as harsh as that may sound. 

And if they have started another relationship they are not being very truthful, are they? Or perhaps the pain of whatever happened outweighs the pleasure of being with you and the trust has gone. 

The only exception I can think of to this would be if they were married or in a long term relationship and yours was a fling or affair. 

All you can do, I suppose, is give it time and see if bridges can be built again but in the meantime don’t sit about moping. 

Rebuild your life and see other people. You may find you no longer want them back. 

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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My Problem Page Edition 7 2017

This week I'm talking about how to deal with Tinnitus in social situations and when a fantasy Facebook relationship collapses.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: I have tinnitus and sensitive hearing. How can I protect my ears at parties without looking stupid? 

I want to socialise with friends but I need to protect hearing as I have tinnitus already. I don't want to wear massive ear protectors so what should I do?

A: I wear Alpine Pro musicians earplugs (you can get them on Amazon) which come in a little case and which I just pop in when the volume gets too loud. 

They don’t block out all the sound but just filter out the worst of it so you should still be able to hear conversation, although it may be slightly muffled. But I would rather that, than risk setting off a tinnitus spike. 

People may notice you putting them in so I’d just laugh it off and say “you know me, sensitive ears” or be honest about your tinnitus. 

Loads of people suffer with it and I think the more people who talk about it the better. I talk about it in my post "If You Have Tinnitus, You Need To Make Friends With Spike". 

Until we sufferers bring tinnitus out into the open, our chances of forcing medical action and research into a cure a reduced. I tell everyone I have it - once you get over that hurdle, it’s no problem to put your earplugs in without any comment. 

I hope that you have had a medical checkup and advice about your tinnitus. It may be caused by something that can be treated, for example certain medications and high blood pressure. 

Don’t (pardon the pun) suffer in silence.

Q: Do guys not talk to pretty girls because they assume they have boyfriends? 

A: It’s all about confidence and if a guy’s self-esteem is low he will not think he’s ‘good enough’ to approach a pretty girl. 

That’s a real shame because as we grow up and mature we realise it’s really not about looks, it’s about being a kind, loving, intelligent person. 

I can’t tell from your question whether you are the shy guy or the pretty girl but either way there’s nothing to stop you striking up a conversation. 

A smile and a friendly hello won’t hurt and you never know where it may lead. 

And if you’re like that with everyone there’s no risk, is there?

Q: My boyfriend dumped me but he says he misses me. We talk everyday but he is determined about not getting back together. What am I supposed to infer? 

A: This man is just playing games and pulling your heart strings royally, isn’t he? 

Why are you still talking to him every day? Is it because you are hoping he’ll come back? 

Isn’t it likely that if he does he’ll treat you badly all over again? 

Unless he dumped you because you cheated on him - in which case I can understand why he misses you but has no intention of coming back, I’d get busy and stop answering his calls. 

Work out what the real reason you split up is and then set the intention that you both deserve something better.

Q: How do I get over an ex boyfriend using me for sex and free babysitting?

A: Your ex is clearly not a very nice man but I think you need to take a little responsibility for this.

I’m assuming you were not forced into sex in which case that is a different and more serious issue.

I think you are smarting at being taken advantage of - as we all would be - particularly if he has just dumped you.  

All you can do is tell yourself that you will never put yourself in that position again. 

Work on your self-confidence and learn to recognise when a man is not truly interested in you for you.  
If you’re honest, there were probably one or two warning bells weren’t there? 

Get this man out of your life and find someone who deserves you.

Q: Why am I obsessed with a girl whom I've never met? 

I met a girl on Facebook and she is from Honduras. We lived in two differently countries and talked everyday. We even planned a future together and marriage. We eventually broke up and she's now dating someone else. Why am I so heart broken?

A: Because you invested in a fantasy that contained, no risk, no danger, no need to change yourself in any way and, sadly, absolutely no reality. 

We can be as fiercely protective of our dreams as we can of our ‘real life’. You have no idea what this girl was really like. 

Anybody can write anything on Facebook and post images from anywhere. 

Sometimes though, our fantasies are a great way or testing our feelings, of asking ourselves ‘what if’. The problem is when they become an escape and an excuse for going out there and having a real relationship. 

The pain you are now feeling will fade - and the quickest way to make it go is to get out there and have a real relationship with a girl who lives close to you - and certainly in the same country.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

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Treat Yourself! Top Gifts From You, To You

In today's modern culture, it is often implied that doing things for ourselves is deemed as 'selfish'. We are told from an early age that putting other people first is something that should be second nature to all of us.

While this is true for the most part, it should never be done at the expense of ourselves! It is important to look after other people and show friends and family that you care, of course - but it is also important that you look after number one.

Image Credit 

Self-love and self-care have come back into the public eye recently as many more people become aware of their own mental health, and the importance of taking care of it.

Sometimes, it can really pay off just to treat yourself to something - a reminder to yourself that you deserve it! Here are some of the top ways you can treat yourself, no matter what your budget is.

A spa day 

If you have found yourself more stressed out than usual, a spa day might be just the kind of thing you need. Stress can affect us all, whether it derives from work, family issues or a combination of the two.

You may feel as though most people go to spas with another person, or that you should only attend when you have been given a voucher as a gift, or something similar. But in reality, there's no rule that says you cannot just attend a spa simply because you want to.

Most spas offer a wide selection of treatments and activities for you to choose from, so speak to an adviser about what kind of thing you are after. Some people find beauty treatments at spas a great way to treat themselves, while others prefer massages or even low-intensity exercises such as yoga.

Jewellery 

Jewellery is another one of those things that has some kind of taboo around it, in terms of buying it for ourselves. Granted, we nearly always receive jewellery as a gift, but the problem with relying on that is that you can never determine what exactly you are going to end up with!

If you have seen a piece of jewellery that you completely covet, such as a handmade pearl necklace, go ahead and buy it for yourself! A quality piece of jewellery can easily make us feel much more luxurious in our everyday lives, so it's a great way to spend your hard-earned cash.

Image source

A night off 

Sometimes, time can be the one thing we find we don't have enough of. Parenting, working and socializing can all take up the majority of our time, and any spare moment we do get we usually want to spend sleeping! It might not seem like much, but treat yourself to a night off from all your responsibilities.

Ask your partner or a family member to do you a favor and take care of the kids for the night, then settle down with a bubble bath, a good book and a glass of wine. It's the little things that can make us feel more human again, so don't neglect your self-care!

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My Problem Page Edition 6 2017

This week I'm talking about what to do when you don't find your wife attractive any more, how to cope with a 6 year old little boy who seems depressed and dealing with a friend who feels up your partner.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Why does my girlfriend expect me to be her personal counsellor?

A: Because she’s your girlfriend and that’s what people in relationships generally do for one another.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking, however, that just because she tells you her problems she wants you to solve them. 

We women like a sounding board but we’re quite capable of solving our own problems most of the time. 

If you are dealing with the same issues over and over then could you seek other help - professional, doctor, family, friend? 

Is it a problem outside of her control? 

If it’s just day to day niggles then I think you need to ask yourself why it’s irritating you so much and either find a way to reduce her offloading to you or consider changing your girlfriend. 

She really does deserve someone prepared to listen to her.

Q: What should you do when your wife turns off your sexual desire? 

A: Do you mean that your wife no longer turns you on or that she is no longer interested in sex? 

The two are quite different things. 

If you are no longer finding her attractive then you need to ask yourself why. 

Has she put on a lot of weight? Is she always too tired? Have you recently become parents? Has she lost her sex drive through hormonal changes such as the menopause? Does she suffer from depression? Are there unresolved issues between you? Is she angry with you for some reason? 

It’s not just about you, you know, and you owe it to her to have a frank conversation about how you are feeling and what is going on with her. 

You also need to ask yourself is there anything you are doing that is contributing to the problem. 

Women are not there to provide sex on tap but deserve to be nurtured and respected just as men do. 

You found her attractive enough to marry - this may well be just a pit in the road that you can get around.

Q: Is it wrong when a girl who is a "friend with benefits" gets in a relationship with another guy and doesn't tell you for 2 months? 

We became friends with benefits when we were both single. Then she went into relationship with another guy and lied to me for two months. During that time she claimed all the time she was honest.

A: Well what do you expect? 

Friends with benefits is exactly that - sex with no strings attached. It sounds like she means a lot more to you than you realised, or are willing to let on. 

The fact that she didn’t tell you for 2 months hints that she knows how you really feel. 

You either have to tell her you want a relationship with her or, I’m afraid, put up with it if you want her in your life. 

By the sound of it you need to be honest with her or you’ll regret losing her.

Q: How do I deal with my 6 year old son who seems depressed?

A: I think you need to be very careful about labelling his behaviour as “depressed”. 

Do you mean he is withdrawn, tearful, moody? Does he play with other children? Is he isolating himself in his room? 

All of these things can equally be signs of tiredness (what time does he go to bed?), poor nutrition (does he live on soda and chicken nuggets) or possibly bullying at school. 

I think you need to look at what is going on with you as a family and then assess whether there is something external (i.e. at school) or medical going on. 

If you’re pretty sure it’s medical (and there’s nothing like a parent’s instinct for that), then you need to take him to a doctor for a check-up. 

Could you make time to sit with him each day, either after school or before bed to chat to him about his day just to see what comes up? 

If he’s not a communicative child, why don’t you ask him to do some crafting or draw a picture of his day - the things kids draw often show us exactly what they’re thinking. 

Try not to worry to much but do take action. 

Hopefully it may be something simple like a virus which is laying him low for a bit but you are quite right that the situation needs to be addressed quickly - for your own peace of mind, as well as your son’s.

Q: What should I do if my friend felt up my girlfriend? 

At a party I guess they talked or something, they held hands, he felt her chest, they were drunk but talked about wishing they were closer, etc. I really liked her before, now I’m conflicted. What do I do? My friend lives hundreds of miles away normally, so he’s not stealing her.

A: It really depends on the circumstances. 

How do you know your friend felt up your girlfriend? Did you see it or did she tell you? Was she distressed by the incident? 

If so, then I’m afraid you have to talk to your friend to tell them that their behaviour was unacceptable. 

If, though this was a clumsy drunken fumble in a nightclub then I’d be asking myself if my ‘girlfriend’ was all that loyal and although I might forgive, I’d certainly be keeping a closer eye on her and my friends. 

It really depends on whether you think she was a willing participant or was taken advantage of. 

And you need to be really clear which one it was before you take any action that might ruin your relationship with either your girlfriend or your friend.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

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20 Tips To Help You Keep Your Cool With Your Boss

There comes a time in our working lives when we feel as if we have been pushed too far.  

Whether it's just one badly conceived project too many with a deadline only God could meet, or a task delegated by someone whose management style close mirrors that of Animal from the Muppets, the urge to lose it rears its ugly head. 

Is your boss driving you to distraction?

Let me share some of the things I learned during my 20+ years working in a corporate enviroment, culminating in my role as Practice Director and Head of Marketing for a large law firm.

You might have heard of "The Peter Principle" which says, simply, that "managers rise to the level of their incompetence" and lord knows, I've seen this borne out a fair few times.  

But when you're pushed to the edge,  in today's economically uncertain times and with hoards of younger, possibly better qualified, and more ambitious workers nipping at your heels, you need to think smart and act smarter.

Here's my 20 point primer.  Go get a cup of coffee.  Take 5 minutes.  Breathe and read.

1.  Calm down

You can't afford to make any rash decisions or take any actions which will result in a summons by HR for performance related issues.  

That way unemployment lies. 

You have bills to pay and a career you've probably trained hard for and spent years working towards. 

2.  Don't cry

I know some people actually cry when they're angry, rather than just upset, but particularly in a corporate environment, you'll look like you can't handle it.  

If you must let it all out, hide in the toilets till you feel you can face everyone again.

3. Consider what is actually being asked of you

If you have a rocky relationship with your boss, it's easy to assume instructions come with a hidden agenda.  

This isn't always the case.  

Sometimes your boss gets dumped on too.  

What are you actually being asked to do?  

Is it a reasonable request?

4. Don't take on a task you don't understand

If you don't know what you're being asked to do, ask for clarification up front. 

If it's a task you are supposed to understand, you need to ask yourself why you're struggling with it. 

Can a colleague help you out?  

5. Clarify the deadline

When does the task need to be completed.  

Is it reasonable?  

Asking for a report by the end of the day may be perfectly reasonable if it's comprised of data you were supposed to be keeping tabs on.  

6. Is it your fault?

Have you let things slide, for one reason or another?  

If things have been getting on top of you, rather than going off like a fire cracker, it's time for some honest self-reflection.  

If your heart isn't in your job, you may be better off thinking about making a move.  

See my post on hating your job.

7.  Do you need training?

Now is probably not the best time to ask for it, but if you feel you need training (for example in spreadsheets or Powerpoint), make a mental note to discuss this with your boss.  

A note of caution though, I'd advise against asking for training for aspects of your job you were expected to know when you were employed, unless you can get away with asking for a 'refresher course'.  

8.  Can you delegate it?

Remember that when you delegate, you are delegating the responsibility but not the authority aka the buck still stops with you.  

I'm sure you know in your heart which elements of a project are yours and yours alone, and which can be delegated.  

9.  Did you delegate it and it's gone horribly wrong?

Following on from 8. if you did not delegate well, for example you didn't give clear instructions and deadlines, then you may have a problem (plus this is a bit of a case of the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think?).  

Did you delegate to the appropriate level of expertise?  

Getting junior staff to do the bits you don't like is just asking for trouble.  

If they get it wrong, you're still in trouble and they're unhappy.  If they do a sterling job, you can bet your boss will know it wasn't you who did it.  

10.  Document it, document it, document it!

For heavens' sake, make notes, save emails, back up files on your PC, take screenshots. 

11. Remember to C.Y.A. (Cover Your A**)

If you delegate something verbally, follow it up with a confirmation email. 

Queries to your boss can also be recorded the same way.  

Just make sure that the emails are appropriate to the project concerned and written as professionally as possible.

12.  Communicate without emotion, in professional language

There's a world of difference between "so you want me to prepare a report on XYZ about DrearyCorp for you to discuss at the board meeting on Thursday" and "so even though I'm completely snowed under, you want me to drop everything, stay late and scrabble together some data". 

Repeat after me. "Attitude is a Luxury".

13.  Manage your time

Break the project down into manageable chunks.  

Estimate how long each piece will take.  

Assess which tasks can be delegated.  

Call a brief team meeting if you need to so that everyone is clear about what is required.  

Check in with team members so you know whether you are on course to meet your deadline. 

Having a quick look at Facebook and three cups of coffee while you "get your head round it" will not help, trust me.

14.  Offer solutions

I'm sure you've heard the hoary old management chestnut "I don't want you to bring me problems, I want you to bring me solutions".  

Well, sorry but it's true. 

Rather than just carry out the project like an automaton, get involved.  

How would you deal with the issue?  

What would your approach be? 

The solutions you offer may make your boss look good, make you look good and make you a more attractive candidate for promotion.

15. Use positive body language

Parents will be familiar with the phrase "take that face off" or "don't look at me like that when I'm talking to you".  

Yes, I'm afraid even as adults we are prone to what body language experts refer to as "leakage". 

Looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp when someone is trying to delegate to you is not a good thing! 

Also be aware that crossing your arms looks defensive and worse, stretching back and supporting your head with your arms is tantamount to saying "I am listening, but basically I think you're an idiot".

16. Build bridges

If you have a rocky relationship with your boss, this could be an opportunity to build bridges and get to know them a bit.  

Could you try to suspend your frustration for a short while and see things from their point of view?

17. Socialise

If the boss invites you out for a drink after work, are you the one that always has to rush home? (I'm not including parents in this obviously).  

I was a bit like that when I was younger, prioritising the needs of my obese and usually completely inert cat over the social discomfort of making small talk with management. 

Looking back,  

I probably missed the chance to get to know my bosses which would only have improved our working relationship.

18.  Everybody's Human

And everybody wants to be liked.  

Sometimes, your boss will have problems you know nothing about.  It doesn't hurt to cut them a little slack sometimes.

BUT 

19.  Ask, are you being bullied?

If you feel that you are being unfairly dumped on, or set up to fail, or that your treatment is a form of bullying, then you must take action.  

Keep a diary to record the events of bullying. 

Keep pertinent emails.  

Make sure you ask yourself, however, if you are contributing to the behaviour.  Sometimes, for whatever reason, personalities do clash but are you being unnecessarily unhelpful or combative?

20.  Take it to HR

Human Resources has a difficult role to play, keeping both management and staff happy.  

That said, if you feel your treatment is unjust, you must talk to HR. 

You will probably find that if you are having problems with a particular boss, others will be too.

Keeping silent helps nobody. 

Your complaint may actually help HR to deal with an unpleasant boss, particularly if you can provide solid evidence.

So, keep calm and carry on, as they say, but with a strategy.  

A bit of honest and open reflection may save hours of future misery, for you and your colleagues.

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