Problem Page Edition 12 2017

This week - your partner's cheating when you've just had a baby and jealousy when your friend makes it big and you feel left behind. Plus, can gift giving mean you're hitting on someone?

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Would you date someone you’re not attracted to because they offer you financial security?

A: Interesting question. In the past, marriages were often made entirely to secure land and wealth but then women didn’t really have much option.

Personally I couldn’t marry someone I didn’t love - particularly if they didn’t know I didn’t love them. Big lies like that have a habit of coming back to bite us.

And seeking financial security from a man is still a little 19th century, don’t you think?

Wouldn’t you feel better about yourself if you made your own way, earned your own money and took control of your own destiny?

Rather than letting a well off bloke you don’t fancy all that much lock you in to a relationship with all the appeal of mud.

Q: If a female friend gives a guy a gift, do they automatically assume she has an ulterior motive? 

My friend got accepted to nursing school (he is the first college attendee in his family). I got him an antique book of medicine that we love. I am afraid if I give it to him, he will think I'm hitting on him. Anyone who knows me knows I am a giver- it is in congratulations for this big step.

A: It’s a lovely gesture you are considering, but there’s a chance he may wonder if it is a romantic overture.

I guess it depends what kind of relationship you have and whether you exchange gifts at any other time - Christmas, birthdays and so forth. If you don’t this may come a bit left field. 

Do you know his family? Have they met you? 

If you will get a lot of pleasure from giving the gift then just accept he may wonder about your motives and shrug it off. 

I think lots of people would say the gifts should be coming from his family though.

I would look for a new boyfriend I can actually spend time with on a regular basis - and closer to home.

Q: I have a best friend who made it to Harvard and I feel worthless when I see all of his achievements. How do I stop comparing myself to him?

A: You know that everyone has different talents and abilities. 

It does not make one person better than another, just different. It is natural to envy someone’s success and to compare their life with ours. 

Rather than wallow in self pity though, why not ask yourself a couple of questions like did your friend work his butt off to succeed? Are you as dedicated? Do you work as hard? Did your friend have a clear idea of his goal in life? Do you know what you want? 

My point is you can use these feelings to examine your own life and see whether you need to make changes. 

In this case comparison might be the impetus you need to take stock and then take action. 

I am entirely sure you are not worthless and even if he succeeds at Harvard that is not necessarily a golden ticket to a dream job, a dream family, a dream life. It’s just a very good starting block to run from. 

Why not make a list of your achievements and then ask yourself what you’d like to add to it in the next few years. 

And go for it.

Q: How bad is it that my boyfriend is very upset with me and I don't really care? 

He stormed out just now and I was just relieved that he was gone. Why? Now I don't have to hear him curse at me or listen to his angry rant about me going out while he does the exact same thing way more often. 

A: It does seem an extreme reaction from him if the only issue is that you go out without him and he goes out without you. Is there more to it than that? 

If not, your boyfriend is being a hypocrite. It sounds like there’s a battle for control going on here and it certainly doesn’t sound like a fun relationship to be in. It also sounds pretty immature. 

You sound as if you have had enough of him and you shouldn’t put up with anyone cursing you or ranting at you. 

I think the pair of you have to sit down and have an honest conversation about what is acceptable in a relationship to both of you - and whether there is enough to salvage to make it worth putting more effort in. 

Because for it to work, BOTH of you might have to change. 

And if you’re already too angry to care, it might be time to find a new boyfriend.

Q: I have just found out that the father of my 6-month-old daughter has been cheating on me with his female friend. What should I do?

A: I am really sorry if this is the case because when we have just had a baby our self confidence may sometimes be at an all time low as we adjust to the pressures of becoming a mum (whether for the first time or subsequently). 

I am sure you are torn between feeling awful and wanting to kick him to the kerb. 

Pregnancy is often a difficult time for fathers to be and affairs during this time are very common. 

Some men do not have the maturity to cope with lack of sex during their partners pregnancy or may feel pushed out of the new family unit as their partner is totally (and naturally) absorbed with the baby. 

This is no way excuses this behaviour and men like this need to grow up fast. It may, however, explain the reason for his wandering. 

Was everything OK before the baby? You have no doubt heard the term “sticking plaster baby” where a couple is having problems and decides that having a baby will make everything better. It very often doesn’t. 

Do you have proof of the affair? Make sure you have your facts straight and then sit down with him and ask him for an honest explanation. I would speak to him first before you speak to the ‘friend’. 

If he confesses then you either forgive him and gain his reassurance that this was a one-off or you tell him to leave. 

Either way the trust has been broken and it will be difficult to put it all behind you and move on. 

He may, however, be a useless partner but there is no reason why he can’t, in time, be a decent father.

Your initial job is to find out what happened and decide whether your relationship is worth saving. And the female ‘friend’ needs to go if that is to happen. 

I doubt very much that this was anything to do with you. Time for your partner to grow up and face his responsibilities. 

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 11 2017

This week - who should text first, what "taking a relationship break" really means and a worrying case of stalking.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: My parents yell and hit me and throw objects too when I do not do my school work or get poor grades. Is that abusive? 

Every time I play on my phone instead of doing work they yell at me. Every time I bring back a D grade they hit me and throw objects at me. Is this abusive?

A: Yes it is and I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. 

It is clear that your parents want you to do well but reacting like this is not acceptable. Have you tried telling them how you feel? 

I appreciate this is unlikely to improve matters but it may pave the way for a conversation and some solutions - for example finding you a tutor if you are struggling with a particular topic. 

On your part though, I hope that you are doing your best and not bunking off school. That’s not going to help either. 

Is there another family member or close friend you could confide in? 

You do not say what country you live in but if it is the UK you can call Childline confidentially on 0870 336 2920. 

Rest assured that you won’t be the only one putting up with this. 

Q: Why does he rarely text me first, even though we are dating? 

I’m in a long distance relationship with a guy but he rarely texts me first.  I usually text him first. He sometimes take a long time to respond and then only with “sorry for not replying”. A day after (still rarely) he'll text me as if nothing’s happened.

A: It really doesn’t sound as if this man is very interested and, since it’s a long distance relationship, that’s not altogether surprising. 

Rather than concentrating on the frequency of the texting, ask yourself how often you actually SEE him. 

Have you made plans to get together? Do you SKYPE or Facetime? Forgive me but it doesn’t sound much of a relationship if all you do is text one another. 

I would stop texting him and let him do the running but it sounds as if things have petered out, at least on his side. 

I would look for a new boyfriend I can actually spend time with on a regular basis - and closer to home.

Q: When your significant other says they want to "take a break" from the relationship, should you take it as "break up" and forget them and move on with your life?

A: I would, in all honesty because I suspect lots of people use “taking a break” as shorthand for “I want to break up but I don’t have the guts to tell you” or “I fancy sleeping with someone else but I’ll keep you on the back burner just in case”. 

I’m sure you’re feeling really hurt and disappointed but I would be strong and tell them “OK but don’t expect me to be still here when you decide to come back” and then go out and enjoy yourself, date other people and don’t be permanently attached to your phone so that you respond immediately to any casual text, call or Facebook message. 

Let them wonder what’s going on with you and then decide if they’re worth the bother of keeping in touch with anyway.

Q: A boy has loved me for a long time, but I don’t feel the same for him. I think that I can get someone better in the future. So should I commit to him or not?

A: If you don’t feel the same then don’t mess with the poor boy’s feelings. 

Make sure, though, that you are clear what you mean when you say “I can get better in future”. 

Better how? Better looking, a nicer person, a better earner? 

Of course you shouldn’t commit to someone you don’t love but it means having the bravery to tell him and to stand firm in your belief that there is someone better out there. 

Just make sure you’re not about to ditch a really nice guy because you think a millionaire in a Ferrari is waiting around the corner to whisk you off. 

That seldom happens I’m afraid.

Q: My friend has been having a guy follow her and sitting outside her work. The police say he is not a threat. Can she make them take the report?

A: I’m sure lots of women reading this will be totally exasperated at the police’s apparent lack of concern. 

I would tell your friend to go back and report it AGAIN until she is taken seriously. It may also be worth speaking to Citizens’ Advice Bureau (or similar) for some legal advice. 

Do you have photographic evidence of this guy stalking? Does she know this man? Are you sure you have all the information about the story? 

Are you and her family / friends making sure she is accompanied and not left to travel on her own? 

Has she reported this man to her employer because if he’s making a nuisance of himself outside her place of work, they have a duty of care towards her as well. 

Please don’t take any chances. Call 999 /911 if you have to.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 10 2017

This week - dreaming about a partner cheating and an ex who denies they ever dated you.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: How do I tell if a guy treats me like a sister or a potential girlfriend? 

This guy I like has confusing behaviour. He often flirts with me but sometimes talks to me as if I am a a small kid, I don’t know how to explain. He ‘stalks’ me on Facebook and likes my pictures too. How can I decipher his actions?

A: It sounds as if he is interested in you but I would be less than impressed with being patronised by his speaking to you as if you are a child. 

It sounds like he is rather full of himself and certain that you will fall at his feet! Either that or he lacks confidence and has little experience with women and is trying to make out he is the ‘big man’.

It’s not a quality I personally would find very attractive, nor the stalking on facebook. 

It’s up to you to decide whether you want a relationship with him or not and, if not, I would be tempted to unfriend him on Facebook - once you have told him clearly that you are not interested. 

I suspect at the moment he is getting rather mixed messages.

Q: Is it normal if my boyfriend have never given a gift for me thought we were in a distant relationship about 3 years?

A: I’m assuming you have actually met this man in which case, yes, it is rather odd. 

Does he send birthday cards? Valentines cards? Do you send him presents? 

Are you the one doing all the running in this relationship? 

If he has stopped reciprocating, or returning your calls, or showing concern for how you are and making plans to get together, then it sounds as if your relationship has run its course. 

I am sure you can find someone closer to home who will care for you a lot better.

Q: How can I stop getting bothered about the way my ex girlfriend rewrote our history? 

She probably has good reason for her behaviour which I can understand.  I’m guessing that I killed her attraction with neediness, jealousy and other insecure behaviours. Still it bothers me how someone can do a 180 from chasing me, to denying that we dated for a whole year.

A: She is being rather immature but, if you were unkind to her then I can see why she would rather pretend the whole experience didn’t exist. 

I would also suggest that it is possible she left for reasons other than your behaviour - people sometimes just get tired of being in a relationship - so I would not heap too much blame on yourself.

The truth is you can analyse this forever and still not come up with the exact reason for her behaviour. 

The point is, how are you going to go forward and what are you going to do to make sure that your issues don’t affect your next relationship? 

This relationship didn’t work. Let it go and focus on being positive, happy and finding someone with whom you feel confident and who you can trust.

Q: What does it mean if I have been dreaming about my partner cheating on me? 

A: Sometimes we dream the most ridiculous things for no reason at all. 

Dreams, the theory goes, are the brain’s way of filing the days events into the computer of our subconscious. 

I have also read that we tend to dream in symbols which can sometimes be far more unpleasant than their actual meaning. 

For example, a common dream is that your teeth are falling out, or that you are falling off a cliff. The teeth one is supposed to mean that you fear ageing or being less productive. So, dreaming that your spouse is cheating on you might not actually mean that. 

It may symbolise that you fear people are not being honest with you in general, or something is making you question your trust for people. 

A more probably explanation is that this dream is just a symptom of insecurity in your relationship and, rather than go off the deep end and assume you have had a psychic warning, I would sit down with a cup of coffee and think about what it is that is making you feel unsettled. 

In your dream is your partner cheating on you with someone you know? Ask yourself if there is any basis to think that this might be true. 

You could jokingly mention your dream to your partner and gauge his reaction. And if you are feeling insecurity talk to him about it and ask for reassurance. 

The dream may also have meant that you need to take better care of your partner to ensure he doesn’t wander off. Have you been neglecting him? 

In all likelihood, this was just a silly dream which meant nothing but a bit of extra quality time together wouldn’t hurt.

Q: My girlfriend won't reply to me ,what should I do to get her attention? 

She has depression and is taking pills these days saying that she's really not good. I always text her to make her feel safe.  Now she's not replying but I can see that she is active on social media.  Her profile picture says that love sucks and a friend is better.

A: I’m not sure there is much you can do. 

It may be that her behaviour is a symptom of her depression for which she deserves sympathy and understanding. 

You don’t say what pill she takes but hopefully these have been prescribed by a doctor to help her with her depression. 

Her comment about ‘love sucks’ makes me wonder if there is anything else going on between you two. 

That comment sounds bitter and as if it relates to something specific. Are you sure you have not done something to upset her? Or given her cause to suspect that you have? 

If she is ignoring you you may be better off stopping the texts for a while to see if she notices and decides to respond. 

It may be that the ignoring is a form of attention seeking behaviour. When we are depressed sometimes we push away the things we really want because we feel we don’t deserve them. 

I would give her some time and concentrate on you. Stop the Facebook stalking and go out and enjoy yourself. 

Whilst it is commendable that you are looking out for her, you are not, as they say, her keeper. 

Time for your own happiness to come first.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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My Problem Page Edition 9 2017

This week I'm talking about whether a toxic relationship calls for time out to parent the kids, how to deal with someone you fancy who doesn't want a relationship but keeps calling anyway, and whether your kids should love you unconditionally.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: If your relationship is toxic, would you take a time out to parent your children? 

You can't live together or without each other. You constantly break up and get back together. The love is strong but you can't seem to make it work and your children are caught in the middle.

A: It depends on the reason why you keep breaking up. 

If it is infidelity then putting your children through this is unfair, let alone the effect on the partner who is being cheated on. 

If it is the usual niggles of being in a long term relationship, then, forgive me, but a lot of people would say you both need to grow up and focus on your children. 

I am not saying it isn’t difficult or draining - because I’m sure it is, but you talk about your relationship as if it is a teenage romance “the love is strong but you can’t seem to make it work”. 

Sit down together and talk. Decide whether you are committed to making this work once and for all. 

If you are the one being cheated on then it is up to you to say “enough”. This is what I will and will not put up with and stick to it. 

Ultimatums don’t work but firm, committed action may. 

Have you considered family or relationship counselling? Could a family member take the children for a bit while you work through your differences? 

I wish you luck but I do think you need to stand firm now and stop this endless cycle which is making everybody miserable.

Q: Why do I hear so many people talk about how they have to "look good" together with their partner? 

People say there should be a “nice” height difference (I’m told 4–8 in) and couples should look equally fashionable and attractive. Do people think of themselves as furniture? I understand needing physical attraction but this seems a shallow way to view compatibility.

A: I quite agree with you. It is an incredibly shallow way of looking at compatability and whilst I think we all gravitate towards a certain ‘type’, there are absolutely no rules. 

If you are going to spend your life looking for someone with a 4–8 inch height difference, as opposed to a lovely, kind, thoughtful person who makes you happy, then you are going to have a lonely life. 

I really wouldn’t set much store on comments like this. 

Wouldn’t you rather be a partner than a book-end?

Q: Is it your kids' job to love you as their parent?

A: There’s no question that children should be taught respect - for themselves and for the other people in their life. 

It may be that they also feel an unconditional love for their parents but it is not their ‘job’ and in many ways love, like respect has to be earned. 

It’s easy, though, for us mothers to feel a bit unloved and taken for granted but I think that’s life. After all, you have to let them go at some point. 

So they may love us very much indeed but see absolutely no necessity whatsoever to show us that. 

I usually find with my two that it’s when they’re poorly or when something bad happens that they really need me - and that’s when you see the depth of their feelings. 

But, if you want something that loves you unconditionally and without question, you’re probably better off getting a dog. 

And if your real question is “am I being a good enough parent”, then I’m sure you are.

Q: What is the most polite way to let a man know you want him to stop calling everyday? 

I wanted a relationship and he didn't. He also didn't tell me he wants to stay friends and I don't want him as a friend. Yet he dials me everyday and I feel like my time is wasted where I could be doing something else instead of useless talk. How do I politely let him know? We also work together.

A: It’s obviously trickier because you work together but if he has been clear with you that he doesn’t want a relationships then I think you can just say “look I’m really busy and I don’t have the time for long conversations” or something. Hopefully he’ll get the message. 

If not then do you have number recognition on your phone? If so you can simply not pick up the call. 

Also if he calls at the same time every day, again, don’t answer. Or when you pick up the phone just say “I’m in the middle of something right now I’ll have to catch you later”. 

I’m sure if you do this a few times he’ll get the hint. 

I sense that you don’t want to tell him to stop phoning in case he changes his mind about a relationship and it may be he already has, hence the constant phoning. 

Or he knows how you feel and is enjoying the attention. In which case, the sooner you end the phone calls the better. 

Time to be assertive.

Q: When a girl ignores my text sometimes does it mean that she might be testing me and I have a feeling that she likes me?

A: It could. It could equally mean that she is becoming irritated by you texting her and isn’t really interested. 

You honestly cannot tell via a text. 

If you think she likes you, then ask her out on a date and stop hiding behind your phone. 

If she turns you down then at least you will know how she really feels and not waste any more time chasing a relationship that is going nowhere.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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My Problem Page Edition 7 2017

This week I'm talking about how to deal with Tinnitus in social situations and when a fantasy Facebook relationship collapses.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: I have tinnitus and sensitive hearing. How can I protect my ears at parties without looking stupid? 

I want to socialise with friends but I need to protect hearing as I have tinnitus already. I don't want to wear massive ear protectors so what should I do?

A: I wear Alpine Pro musicians earplugs (you can get them on Amazon) which come in a little case and which I just pop in when the volume gets too loud. 

They don’t block out all the sound but just filter out the worst of it so you should still be able to hear conversation, although it may be slightly muffled. But I would rather that, than risk setting off a tinnitus spike. 

People may notice you putting them in so I’d just laugh it off and say “you know me, sensitive ears” or be honest about your tinnitus. 

Loads of people suffer with it and I think the more people who talk about it the better. I talk about it in my post "If You Have Tinnitus, You Need To Make Friends With Spike". 

Until we sufferers bring tinnitus out into the open, our chances of forcing medical action and research into a cure a reduced. I tell everyone I have it - once you get over that hurdle, it’s no problem to put your earplugs in without any comment. 

I hope that you have had a medical checkup and advice about your tinnitus. It may be caused by something that can be treated, for example certain medications and high blood pressure. 

Don’t (pardon the pun) suffer in silence.

Q: Do guys not talk to pretty girls because they assume they have boyfriends? 

A: It’s all about confidence and if a guy’s self-esteem is low he will not think he’s ‘good enough’ to approach a pretty girl. 

That’s a real shame because as we grow up and mature we realise it’s really not about looks, it’s about being a kind, loving, intelligent person. 

I can’t tell from your question whether you are the shy guy or the pretty girl but either way there’s nothing to stop you striking up a conversation. 

A smile and a friendly hello won’t hurt and you never know where it may lead. 

And if you’re like that with everyone there’s no risk, is there?

Q: My boyfriend dumped me but he says he misses me. We talk everyday but he is determined about not getting back together. What am I supposed to infer? 

A: This man is just playing games and pulling your heart strings royally, isn’t he? 

Why are you still talking to him every day? Is it because you are hoping he’ll come back? 

Isn’t it likely that if he does he’ll treat you badly all over again? 

Unless he dumped you because you cheated on him - in which case I can understand why he misses you but has no intention of coming back, I’d get busy and stop answering his calls. 

Work out what the real reason you split up is and then set the intention that you both deserve something better.

Q: How do I get over an ex boyfriend using me for sex and free babysitting?

A: Your ex is clearly not a very nice man but I think you need to take a little responsibility for this.

I’m assuming you were not forced into sex in which case that is a different and more serious issue.

I think you are smarting at being taken advantage of - as we all would be - particularly if he has just dumped you.  

All you can do is tell yourself that you will never put yourself in that position again. 

Work on your self-confidence and learn to recognise when a man is not truly interested in you for you.  
If you’re honest, there were probably one or two warning bells weren’t there? 

Get this man out of your life and find someone who deserves you.

Q: Why am I obsessed with a girl whom I've never met? 

I met a girl on Facebook and she is from Honduras. We lived in two differently countries and talked everyday. We even planned a future together and marriage. We eventually broke up and she's now dating someone else. Why am I so heart broken?

A: Because you invested in a fantasy that contained, no risk, no danger, no need to change yourself in any way and, sadly, absolutely no reality. 

We can be as fiercely protective of our dreams as we can of our ‘real life’. You have no idea what this girl was really like. 

Anybody can write anything on Facebook and post images from anywhere. 

Sometimes though, our fantasies are a great way or testing our feelings, of asking ourselves ‘what if’. The problem is when they become an escape and an excuse for going out there and having a real relationship. 

The pain you are now feeling will fade - and the quickest way to make it go is to get out there and have a real relationship with a girl who lives close to you - and certainly in the same country.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

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My Problem Page Edition 5 2017

This week I'm talking about whether you've been relegated to the friendzone when your boyfriend starts swearing around you and why you don't always get that phone number, no matter how gorgeous you are.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Is almost 5 days too long for a guy to text and ask a girl out after 2 nice long dates? Does that mean he doesn't want anything serious?

A: Well, there are two possibilities here. 

Firstly, he isn’t all that keen. 

Secondly, he’s playing hard to get or he’s busy with other things at the moment. 

Is there anything stopping you from texting him? It is 2017 you know. 

His response will tell you all you need to know. 

If you want to keep waiting then busy yourself with other things. 

Your time is too valuable, surely, to spend hanging around waiting for the phone to buzz.

Q: Why wouldn't a girl give her number when I asked? 

I met this girl and we talked for about 45 minutes. We had a great conversation and laughed a lot. I'm good looking. (I'm not bragging. I'm told this a lot and frequently get whistled at in public). I have also been given loads of phone number previously, but I can't figure out why she wouldn't give me her number.

A: There’s more to being attractive than just being good looking. 

For whatever reason, despite the fact you had a great conversation, she wasn’t interested. 

Did you find out if she already had a partner? Or kids? 

Do you think you might have come across too pushy or over-confident? That can be a real turn off for some people. 

If you already have a lot of phone numbers, do you think she might have suspected you’re a player? 

That’s not particularly attractive either. 

It doesn’t sound like your struggling for female attention though. I think this is just ‘one of those things’.

Q: I have been there for my boyfriend for 4 years and helped through everything. Now everything is good for him he is leaving me? I don't understand. Why?

A: I am really sorry to hear this and I can understand you feel this is really unfair. 

The hard truth is that people can fall out of love, no matter how nice and kind their partner is. I don’t think anything you did, or didn’t do, would have made a difference. 

Some relationships just fizzle out. 

When you say ‘everything is good for him’, do you mean he has a job, money, happier family relationships, someone else? 

You also don’t say how old you are. Sometimes one partner grows and matures faster than the other and, to use the cliche, wants different things. 

This is particularly common I believe with younger relationships, out of school and college for example. 

If you have been supporting him financially or in any other way to the detriment of your own health and happiness, now is the time to say “you have chosen to continue without me so off you go”.

It’s time to look after yourself now and to look for someone with whom you will grow into the future and who will appreciate all you do for them. 

Don’t be a doormat any longer.

Q: Is it good for a boyfriend to console his girlfriend all the time? 

I’ve just had a girlfriend for over one month now. She is a moody girl. Sometimes, she gets angry with me for no reason. I am always the one who try to make things right. Sometimes, I feel tired. Moreover, I wonder if that will spoil her as she know that I will always try to console her.

A: Since you’ve only been together for a month, it’s not a good sign that she’s moody and angry with you. 

She’s behaving like a child and you worry that you will ‘spoil her’ which will only serve to reinforce her childish behaviour. 

If it is something you are doing that is upsetting her - and you know that your behaviour is bad - for example being late, disrespectful, flirting with other girls, then I can see she might be moody but otherwise it sounds like she has problems. 

Does she suffer from depression or any kind of personality disorder? If so, then tread carefully - she may need more help than you can give her. 

Otherwise I would be tempted to look for someone who doesn’t make you feel bad and uncomfortable all the time.

Q: If a guy uses colourful words around a woman and is generally comfortable in her presence, does this mean he has "friendzoned" her?

A: It depends how long he has known her - and whether she is in a serious relationship with him. 

If you have just started dating and he is relaxed but swearing, then it does sound as if he is comfortable in your presence. 

If you object to the swearing than simply tell him. His reaction to that will give you a much clearer idea of where you really stand. I hate swearing and whilst I understand occasionally you can’t help it, if every sentence contains an obscenity I’d have to say something. 

Don’t you want to be treated like a lady? 

A better clue to whether you are in the ‘friendzone’ is the amount of physical contact there is between you. If there’s no hugging, kissing or attempts to be physically close then it’s pretty clear there’s very little interest.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

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My Problem Page Edition 4 2017

This week I'm talking about whether announcing your crush on Facebook is effective, how to chat your neighbour up and whether a gentleman should still hold a car door open for a lady.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: How can I talk to the girl in the flat downstairs without seeming weird?

I got handed some post for the flat downstairs and when I knocked on the door a really cute girl answered. Unfortunately, I didn’t have any time to talk to her and left abruptly. (I’m a bit shy too). It’d probably seem weird if I knocked on the door again and asked for her. Do you have any ideas?

A: Can’t you do use the old “can I borrow some sugar / coffee / tea” ruse?

Or claim there’s a strange noise coming from your heating and does she have it too?

You could drop her a note if you’re less brave saying “hi it’s your neighbour from upstairs. Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?”

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

You do need to find out though whether she already has a partner. 

Q: I have a manipulative step daughter. How can I address this situation?

A: Manipulative in what way and how old is your step daughter? 

Teenage girls can be pretty manipulative no matter what their position in the family! Are you saying that she is causing trouble between you and your partner? Are they taking their daughter’s side? 

Is the break-up of her family relatively recent?  I would say that your first step is to raise your concerns with your partner and you both working through the issues with her as a united front. 

Once she realises she can’t play one of you off against the other, her behaviour may change. 

Q: What should I do when there's people saying bad and fake things about me to my boyfriend?

A: I’m assuming someone, somewhere is jealous of you. 

That is usually the reason for bad-mouthing. 

Did your boyfriend leave another for you? Did he cheat on his previous partner with you? If that’s the case then it’s entirely likely you’ll have to put up with some bitching from his ex and their friends.

The aim of these people is clearly to split you up and I think you do need to address this with your boyfriend to put your side of the story before this escalates. 

If he knows and loves you I’m sure he will discount these rumours but it would be better to present a united front against these trouble-makers. 

Just be sure that what is being said is definitely fake.

Q: Does adding your crush on Facebook counts as making the first move?

I would prefer to interact in real life, but I only see him in a crowded place and due to the nature of his job we only have the chance to talk briefly. We do have friends in common on Facebook so I thought about adding him there. Does doing that counts as making the first move, or not?

A: No it doesn’t. 

People add Facebook friends all the time for all sorts of reasons. 

You say you have the chance to talk briefly. Why don’t you be brave and ask them for a coffee?

It’s better to find out now if they are interested than waste months puttering around on Facebook in the hope that they may one day message their undying love. 

Whilst you’re doing that, someone braver might steal them away from under your nose. 

Time to take a risk.

Q: Is not holding a car door or paying for her dinner wrong if she has a job and is physically able?

A: It’s not wrong but it is considered good manners. 

When you’re dating you want to make the best impression possible and whilst I wouldn’t expect to pick up the tab every time as the relationship progressed, an offer to pay for dinner the first time is a nice thing to do. 

She may be a feminist who resents such attention on the basis that she is perfectly able to look after herself but, frankly, I have always found gestures like this quite charming and endearing. 

There’s a difference between that, though, and becoming a meal ticket where the only reason she wants to spend time with you is for the nice meals and treats. 

You have, unfortunately, to go through the initial ‘learning curve’ to find that out. 

If you’re broke by the way there’s no reason why you can’t be upfront about this and ask to split the bill. 

If you really like this girl, a bit of chivalry won’t go amiss - or she’s likely to choose someone else who does treat her like a lady rather than ‘one of the lads’.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

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My Problem Page Edition 3 2017

This week I'm talking about what to do when you can't agree about having children, what to do when the man you rejected for being a failure becomes a massive success and how to tell your girlfriend she has a moustache.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here's this week's questions.

Q: Were you ever in love with someone who suddenly left with you without any explanation or closure and now hide their new relationship from you? Is the person ashamed at all? 

I feel like part of me has died inside and my health has faded so much in a year, I’m constantly torn between absolute hate and resentment for this person and the beautiful memories we shared. I’m not sure this would have went on so long had we not had a child together.

A: From your question it sounds as if your partner left you for someone else. Is that the case?

If so, the reason for their sudden departure is simply because they didn’t have the guts to tell you and couldn’t face the hurt they were about to inflict on you and your child.

Please don’t feel ashamed or that it was something you did wrong.

I know it is easy to bask in warm, fuzzy romantic memories but the harsh reality is that this person treated you incredibly badly.

I think you will heal and recover quicker if you acknowledge your anger and resentment and use that to make some changes.

Are you and your child adequately provided for? Do you know where your partner is - is he still in touch with his child?

I’m not sure if you are in the UK but here the CSA may help ensure he faces up to his responsibilities (although I am aware that this is not always a great success).

Do you have friends or family you can turn to for support and comfort?

You say that he hides his new relationship from you and I understand you want to see the woman who has taken him away but it won’t make you feel any better.

If anything she deserves your pity because if he did this to you, he could do it to her too.

Time to get strong again - reclaim your health and make sure you are provided for.

How is your child / children in all this?

They will not want to see their mum crumble (even though that is what you feel like doing).

They will want to see her take charge and ensure that their dad acts like a dad - even if he is a romantic waste of space.

A year is long enough to wallow. The pain will still be there but it’s time to get moving again.

Otherwise he will have won.

Q: How can I stop feeling awful about rejecting a guy (years ago) for not being successful enough when he's massively successful now? I'm now doing awful, career-wise.

A: Since he’s doing so well, it’s obvious your rejection didn’t hold him back and I wonder if you would feel so bad if your own career wasn’t in the doldrums.

Are you sure you aren’t projecting your own frustrations on to a past scenario?

You either have to let this go or perhaps drop him a line saying how pleased you are to see his current success.

There is a risk, of course, that he won’t be particularly thrilled to hear from you if he took your rejection badly but who knows, perhaps you’ll meet up and he can give you some career advice.

He might even know of some job opportunities for you.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. 

But don’t go on feeling bad. Concentrate on making your future brighter.

Q: How do I tell my girlfriend she has a moustache?

A: With great tact and sensitivity - assuming you really need to mention it at all because she will be well aware of her facial hair.

I’m assuming she already had this facial hair when you met? If it is a recent development, she made need to see a doctor to rule out something like polycystic ovaries.

Please do everything you can to help her keep her self-esteem. You could gently ask her if she has ever thought about removing her facial hair or talked to a doctor about it.

If we are just talking the odd straggler though then that is perfectly normal and your discomfort has more to do with your attitude to female body hair than hers.

Have others commented on her facial hair? If not, then I suspect the problem is yours, not hers.

Q: What should I do? I have been with my partner around 10 years and we moved abroad. I was promised work and am broke. He has money but struggles to help me. 

I was promised work here so I quit my old job and left my cat only to find that the job didn’t really exist. I can barely afford to go shopping (grocery) while he goes away to work for weeks. He gives me the equivalent of a part time job at minimum wage. If I leave the relationship I will have to start over with nothing

A: I am sorry to hear that you have been badly let down with your job.

I also wonder if you are staying with your partner simply for financial reasons.

Are there no part time jobs you could apply for? Waitressing, retail work, bar work?

It sounds as if you are sat around moping and just subsisting on the ‘pay’ your partner gives you.

A man is not a meal ticket you know.

It doesn’t matter if he’s away for weeks. That does not stop you taking a course, furthering your education, starting a business from home or seeking part time work.

It may not be the dream job you were hoping for but it’s better than waiting to be ‘rescued’.

You say you are abroad - have you had to learn a new language? If so, then there are books and nightclasses you could take.

You may meet some new friends which would lift your spirits.

Is there any reason why you couldn’t get another cat?

I would also suggest that before you make a drastic move to take up a job you make sure you have everything in writing - a signed employment contract.

Contractually, you may possibly have a claim against the firm who let you down but this should have been addressed when it became clear the job wasn’t there.

It’s time to make some big changes and living off your partner’s hand-outs isn’t making you happy.

I suspect your partner isn’t happy either at having to support you if you are making no effort to get another job and get your life back on track.

Why not write a list of everything you’d like to achieve this year and set a few goals for yourself. 

You’ll feel a whole lot better once you are taking some positive action.

Q: Should you still get married if you disagree on having children?

A: It’s a very personal decision which only you can make. 

What would be a mistake is to marry in the belief that the one who doesn’t want children will change their mind. 

Very often people don’t. 

Is it you or your partner who does not want children? Are there specific reasons? 

For example are their objections to do with finances or religion? Are there medical conditions which may be passed on through pregnancy? 

You really need to understand the objections and their origin to be able to assess whether an agreement can be reached. 

If having kids is a deal breaker for you and your partner is adamant that they do not want children, then, sad though it is, I would prioritise my own long term happiness and seek a partner to build a family with. 

It is better to have the conversation before you fork out for a wedding though. 

I’d also say that even if the other partner promises a ‘one day’ scenario when all their objections will be gone (they’ll be the right age, have money, etc), there is still no guarantee. 

Having children is for many a fundamental part of a relationship and if it is for you too then I’m not sure this particular relationship is the right one.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

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My Problem Page - Edition 2 2017

This week I'm talking about grand romantic gestures, handling groping and what to do when you just don't fancy your partner any more.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle. Here's this week's questions.

Q: What's the right thing to do when your man tells you he doesn't want to be in a relationship for now because he is losing concentration?

A: Losing concentration on what? His work? The TV? The ball game?

It sounds like he no longer wants to be in a relationship but hasn’t got the bottle to be honest with you and has come out with a pretty lame excuse.

Don’t plead or beg him to stay.

If you want to keep him, your best bet would be to say ‘OK - I have other stuff going on in my life right now I’d like to concentrate on so see ya!”

He might find he misses you and wants to come back.

But I’d think twice before you take him back - would you really want a man who hasn’t got the nerve to be honest with you and treat you with the respect you deserve?

Q: The girl that I like is super busy and often forgets things, including things she said she'd text me about. Should I be concerned if she's this busy? 

If she’s too busy to remember to text me something, or too busy to remember other things she said she’d do, should I worry that this is a deal breaker? Or could she see me just as a friend now, prioritize her work over socializing with friends, and then end up forgetting because of how busy she is?

A: Sometimes, when we’re in love, we forget that we may not necessarily be our adored one’s first priority - or that they had a life before we came along.

Why should “being busy” and occasionally forgetting something be a deal breaker?

And why are you holding her to task for not texting you things or doing things for you?

If she is really that busy, surely helping her out is more likely to endear you to her than demanding her attention when she’s doing other things.

Now I fully appreciate that forgetting and being late (my personal bugbear) are truly annoying but if she is really interested in you there is no way that she will ‘forget’ about you.

She will, I suspect, be far less interested in someone who is clingy and needy.

I’m afraid sometimes you have to prioritise your work over your social life if you want to make something of yourself.

Her ambition actually does her credit you know.

And you’ll be more interesting to her if you show her you, too, are someone who is going places in life.

Might I gently suggest you’re a tiny bit jealous of her success?

Q: I have a feeling for a girl there, but I'm leaving soon. Should I ask the girl directly if I could send her flowers every month when I'm still here? 

I'm in a foreign country (Japan) for my study. Lately, I have feelings for a girl - we don't know each other well. However, I'm going to leave in 6 months, still I’d like to do something for her, just something nice (without involving romance) showing how I admire her and how wonderful to meet her.

A: Sending flowers is usually considered a romantic gesture - and I think you need to be honest and admit that this is what this is.

You don’t say whether she has shown any reciprocal interest in you but if she hasn’t, I would think one bouquet would be enough to show your interest.

If you are that keen, why don’t you talk to her and ask if she is happy to stay in touch?

Her answer will show you whether or not such a gesture would be appreciated.

You could communicate via Facebook or even Skype or Facetime and you may find that your relationship grows naturally that way.

Sometimes we need to risk rejection but it is better to know whether someone is interested before we waste time and money. I would save your romantic gestures for when you know your affection is returned. 

Q: I'm not attracted to my boyfriend anymore. Is that justification enough to break up with him?

A: It depends.

Are you engaged or in a long-term commitment? Do you have children together?

Is this just a temporary blip in your relationship?

We all go through phases when our partners just don’t excite us that much anymore but there is a lot more to a relationship than sex.

Before you do anything rash, you need to ask yourself why you are not attracted to him anymore.

It may be something he can rectify (weight, annoying habits, that kind of thing).

I think it is only fair to him that you tell him how you are feeling.

Sometimes we cease to find our partner attractive because we are mad at them.

I suspect you both need to start talking openly and honestly.

Have you considered he may be feeling the same way?

If you feel the relationship is over you do not need to ‘justify’ your decision, but you do need to make sure you extract yourself with as much kindness and consideration of others’ feelings as possible.

Q: Is it OK for a guy to punch a woman for groping him?

A: No it is not.

That said, you should not have to put up with being groped by anybody.

There is a fine line, however, between the type of groping which occurs on hen nights when the male strippers turn up and all out sexual assault.

You need to be more specific about the situation you are referring to.

Either way, punching a woman is likely to get you arrested for assault.

If you need support and protection against a woman who is hurting you, you need to seek professional help as soon as possible.

I really hope that this is not the situation you find yourself in.

Q: My boyfriend sends good morning texts to a girl but not me and says it's easier with her since it doesn't mean anything. Explain this to me? 

A: There is no reason why your boyfriend can’t have close female friends whilst still being in a relationship with you. 

This does, however, seem a little odd. 

It also seems that he doesn’t really care if it upsets you and the “it doesn’t mean anything” excuse is as old as the hills. 

Is there anything else odd about his behaviour which would lead you to suspect he is having a relationship with this other girl? 

Why does he need to say “good morning” to her? How often does he see her? 

Does she respond to his texts - and if so have you any idea what she says? 

I’d tell him “I don’t care if you think it doesn’t mean anything - it certainly means something to me and I don’t like it”. 

His response should give you a good idea of where your relationship is headed. If he is concerned for your feelings he should be clearer about what exactly is going on. 

Most decent guys would start paying more attention to the girlfriend they have, rather than continuing with a fantasy text relationship with another girl.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

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My Problem Page - Edition 1 2017

This week I'm talking about coming clean about your past with drugs, what makes a person toxic and what to do when you've broken the 'girl code'.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here's this week's questions.

Q: A girl I really like claims to have sent me a text that clearly wasn't meant for me. How do I respond to this? 

We have been talking on and off for 3 years. She constantly cuts people out of her life and she told me that I'm different from other people. When I asked her to explain she sent a text hours later saying how she was excited to hold hands and kiss me.  She then claimed it was a mistake, and a paste from three weeks ago.

A: This girl sounds really confused about what she wants. 

It could have been a simple error or she may be backtracking. 

Either way it really isn’t clear where you stand with her. 

If you are really interested in her, I would try to meet up and talk about things face to face. 

As I always say, you really can’t have a relationship ‘by text’ - and 3 years is a long investment in time for a relationship which isn’t making you all that happy or isn’t really going anywhere.

Q: I cheated on my best friend with her boyfriend and she knows. I want to end things with him and make amends with my best friend. How? 

While my best friend was gone I slept with her boyfriend. I felt so guilty that I told her. She didn't act mad but was really upset. Her boyfriend also told me that he loves me more than her but she still loves him back. I don't love her boyfriend anymore because I feel so guilty.

A: The sad truth is that it will probably take a very long time for her to forgive you - and even if she does she will never forget your actions. 

The boyfriend sounds as if he is revelling in having the attention of two women. 

Are you sure that you won’t be pursuing him once your guilt subsides. 

I’m afraid neither you, nor the boyfriend, come out of this very well and if I were your friend I would want nothing to do with either of you. 

I suspect that you might not be the first other woman the boyfriend has hooked up with. 

Your best hope is to out him as a serial philanderer and paint yourself as his ‘victim’ but it’s unlikely she’ll be convinced. 

Time may soften her feelings but otherwise, next time, don’t break the ‘girl code’ as they say.

Q: Is someone who brings the worst in you a toxic friend/parent? 

I'm generally very empathetic and have positive thoughts about other people, but I have a friend who constantly makes fun of my weight and my appearance and I catch myself thinking bad things like "what a bitch" etc.

A: Toxic your friend may well be but the question is why on earth do you stay around them? 

We cannot control others’ behaviour - only our own - and we teach them how to treat us. 

I’m really not surprised you think the things you do when you are criticised. 

In your shoes, I would not be so patient and would have told this ‘friend’ in no uncertain terms (although without the expletives) that if that is how they feel they are no friend and to leave you alone in future. 

It’s not so easy with parents, of course. 

Sometimes their criticism of us is actually justified and the child in us rankles at being talked to as if we are still a kid. 

This does not necessarily make them toxic. 

Toxic is really just a buzzword for someone whose behaviour makes them nasty, unpleasant and dangerous to be near. 

The antidote to your toxic friend is a new social circle full of positive, equally empathetic people. 

I’d take that antidote as soon as possible.

Q: I told my guy friend about my past with drugs and anxiety and now I'm a little scared since no one but my family knows. Is this bad?

A: Sometimes to heal we need to make ourselves vulnerable - and that involves taking the risk to be honest and open up to others.

You don’t say whether the drugs are class A or whether they were prescribed to help you cope with your anxiety.

I hope you are receiving support from a professional - whether that is a doctor or a counsellor to help you with your issues.

Our family are not always the best people to help us - particularly if they are partially or wholly responsible for causing the problem in the first place.

What was the reaction of your guy friend? Has he gone off to tell all and sundry?

Are you doing him a bit of disservice by assuming he’ll just run off and blab?

If he is not the most trust worthy person then, again, I would urge you to seek professional support to help you boost your self esteem and confidence.

I am sure they will encourage you to see that you are defined by your bad choices - we all make them.

What defines us is how we deal with them. Remember: nobody is perfect and nobody has any right to judge (apart from him upstairs if you are religious).

Take a deep breath. All will be fine.

Q: What do you do if you want to avoid a person and you and they are in the same environment?

A: What was it Michelle Obama said - something along the lines of “if they go low, I go high”, wasn’t it?

Short of resolving your dispute or animosity, I’m afraid you have to act like an adult and take the moral high ground by ensuring your behaviour and manners are impeccable.

Paste a smile on your face and behave with dignity.

If others are aware of this animosity, you can bet they will be watching you with interest.

This is even more important in a work situation where you will be expected to be professional to the hilt.

If it is really unbearable to be in the same place as them (I imagine working with an ex who cheated on you would be particularly tough), then your only option is to leave.

Unfair though it seems, you can’t force someone else to go.

Q: Is it right to hold a grudge on your girlfriend/boyfriend and keep reminding them of it? 

The last guy I dated held the biggest grudges of the century! in the heat of an argument caused by his wrong doing I only said one line to him and I swear to you this guy mentioned that one line nearly every time we ended a conversation. How unhealthy and hurtful is that? 

A: Well it rather depends what that one line was, doesn’t it and it’s curious that you don’t mention what it was. 

It clearly cut him to the quick and he has not forgiven you for it. 

You said the argument was “caused by his wrong doing” but it doesn’t sound as if, even now, he has accepted any responsibility for whatever it was he did. 

That is more of a concern than his constantly harping on about that hurtful thing you once said. You also say that he was the last guy you dated. 

Is he still in your life? If not, it sounds as though you are missing him and feel guilty about that humdinger of a one-liner. 

Some people cannot take criticism if they are insecure and have low self esteem. 

If you rowed a lot then it doesn’t sound as if the relationship was destined to last in any case. 

I’d just chalk it up to the weirdness of the human psyche and find a guy who has a more relaxed and easy going nature - and one who finds it a bit easier to brush off the odd slight.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

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My Problem Page - What Was I Asked In Week 52?

This week I'm talking about mums who prioritise their boyfriends over their kids and what to do when the venue for your second date isn't as stylish as you'd like.

If you would like any advice, feel free to message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here's this week's questions.

Q: What are some of the sly ways your ex-narcissistic lover will use to try and get back with you after the person he dumped you for dumps him?

A: Does it matter what the reasons are or did you mean ways? 

Whichever, if you don’t want to get back with this person then you won’t. 

I get the sense that you want to make this person pay for dumping you but that will really just stoke their ego further. 

Any interest you show them whether good or back will make them think you are still interested. 

If you are then you need to ask yourself why you’d want someone back who is just likely to dump you again without any remorse. 

If you’re not interested then allow yourself a moment of smugness and move swiftly on.

Q: Should I leave my boyfriend OR ask him to change as he often lets me walk alone in the hotel at 2am (apart from that, he’s a great lover)? 

We had a one week trip with friends. I stayed with my female friend and he got a single room. I came to his room every night and then walked back to my room at 2am—there was no one in the hotel, it was too scary for me (from 6th floor to 1st floor). It’s been the 3rd trip like that but he never walks with me.

A: Well you are making it easy for him, aren’t you? 

All he has to do is wait for you to turn up and then presumably happily go back to sleep whilst you make the scary journey back to your room alone. 

There’s more to being a good boyfriend than just being a great lover - and frankly if he’s happy for you to go back on your own he’s not that great. 

How does he treat you otherwise? Is he kind, considerate, thoughtful? If the answer to that is no, then I’d stop making yourself so available until he learns a little respect. 

And what does your female friend think about you leaving her every night? I’ll bet she’s not too thrilled about it either. 

Is your boyfriend not prepared to go on a trip with just the two of you? And if not, why not? 

You ask whether you should leave your boyfriend but, at the moment, he’s really not behaving like a boyfriend, is he?

Q: Do your misdeeds come back to haunt you in the form of bad luck for you?

A: No - that’s a superstition but perhaps bad luck does follow us when we cause another harm or do a bad deed because we miss the opportunity to be a good person, a kind person, a person of note.

There’s a quote “you don’t have to do the work of the gods” which means that rather than join the wrong-doer by exacting revenge (and possibly doing a misdeed yourself), generally, Karma will sort these people out. 

Not always, but often. 

Otherwise, I believe the universe is random and we all get a share of luck, both good and bad. 

The trick is to recognise which is which.

Q: Why does my people pleasing mum choose boyfriends over her adult kids?

A: There’s a little resentment in the tone of your question and I wonder if this was a theme throughout your childhood? 

Some people feel incomplete without a partner because they can’t cope on their own. 

Or they have so little self esteem that they need somebody to shore them up. 

If a woman’s kids have reached adulthood and left home, she may suffer from “empty nest syndrome” where she literally does not know what to do with herself. 

If you want your mum to do something for you, support you, visit you, attend events , listen to you, I would suggest you take her out for a coffee and tell her how you feel (without the boyfriend). 

It might be that she doesn’t realise how her actions affect you. 

But, since you are adult, you do have to bear in mind that she has the right to live her life as she sees fit - even if her mothering skills are under par. 

If her actions are making her embarrassing to be around and others have noticed, does she have a close friend you could get on side to have a chat with her - not to remonstrate but to gently offer some guidance and support?

Q: How many children can you have in your 30's?

A: Theoretically you could have one every 9 months assuming you conceived immediately afterwards.

Life, of course, isn’t quite like that, particularly since doctors tell us that a woman’s fertility starts to reduce from about 35 onwards - and the risk of birth abnormalities starts to increase year on year. 

I had my children at 43 and 45 and I consider myself very lucky. The reason I left it so late was simply because I had not met the right man. 

If you are in a happy stable relationship and wondering whether now is the time to try for a baby, that is something you must discuss with your partner. 

It also often surprises women how long it takes to conceive. It is frequently not the case of sex and then boom, baby is on its way. It can take a year or more sometimes - depending on your fertility, your partner’s and how healthy you both are. 

I would also say that it will be the mother’s life that will be impacted the most in terms of career, health and lifestyle. Babies also, of course, cost a bit of money. 

If I had my time over and met my husband in my twenties, I would definitely have started a family then. 

I’d advise women entering their thirties to seriously consider how they feel about having kids and when the best time is likely to be. 

A thorough medical check-up is also a good idea particularly if you have already had gynae issues such as polycystic ovaries. 

Don’t be fooled into thinking that because it is possible to have babies in your forties that it is possible for you. 

It’s one of life’s great ironies that although age no longer matters in many areas, we have not yet managed to extend a woman’s natural fertility and assisted reproduction is expensive and not available to all.

Q: I was looking forward to a 2nd date with a man but he doesn't text much or pursue and chose a cheapy place for dinner. Should I go tonight with him? 

I was excited after our date and he texted to ask me out for next week. Then I texted and he took a whole day to answer and doesn't seem crazy about me. He chose a crappy place for dinner tonight and I like stylish places and he doesn't even offer to pick me up. Am I just anxious and feel pressure?

A: There’s a lot of focus in your question about how much the man is going to spend. 

You say he chose a “cheapy place” for dinner and that you like “stylish places”. Perhaps he does not earn much money and, if he suspects that you just want his company just for a nice dinner in a stylish place, I’m afraid he won’t be pursuing you too hard. No man wants to be treated like a meal ticket.

Taking a whole day to answer is hardly a crime either - I’m assuming this man has a job and other responsibilities? 

After just one date you hardly know each other so if you really like this man then give him a chance. 

There’s no reason why you couldn’t suggest a more stylish place if you make it to a third date, is there? Or, if he is strapped for cash, offer to cook him a meal? 

If, though, after the second date, he still seems uninterested and he doesn’t ensure you get home safely then I’d assume he really isn’t that keen.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

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