Problem Page Edition 31 2017

This week - can you have a successful relationship if you don't fancy him and what to do if he never lets you hang out with his mates - but other women do.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: What does a guy think of me if I still have sex with him after he dumped me months ago when we were dating?

8 months ago he dumped me saying he is not ready to commit as he had come out from a 4 year long relationship. The problem is I am in love and we keep seeing each other for sex. If I hadn't stupidly decided to stick around, would he have seen me worthy to be his girlfriend or it would it all have just ended earlier?

A: Basically you have given him everything on a plate. There is no reason, currently, for him to chase you, pursue you or romance you because you are there, willingly giving him everything he wants.

Being in love is no reason to be a doormat you know - and it certainly won’t make him either love nor respect you.

I think if you have any chance with this man (and I wonder why you’d want him after he dumped you with the old ‘I’m not ready to commit’ excuse), then you need to start playing hard to get.

I suspect it’s a little late in the day now but you stand a far greater chance if you say I’m not seeing you any more (and especially not giving you sex) unless we are in a committed relationship.

Then don’t call, don’t text, don’t stalk his social media accounts.

Because he is really interested he will contact you and if he doesn’t, to be honest I think you would be far better off kicking his rather sorry backside into touch.

If he knows you love him but he doesn’t feel the same way and is using you for sex, that doesn’t really make him a very nice person, does it?

Q: How do I know if I should leave my boyfriend?

I have been in a long distance relationship for a year and a half with a guy 13 years older than me, and it frustrates me that he doesn't seem to want to travel to be with me. I am lonely all the time, but leaving him might make it worse. What do I do?

A: How could leaving him make it worse if he’s never with you?

Long distance relationships are notoriously difficult and to be honest I really don’t understand why people put themselves through it.

You mention the age gap but unless he’s a pensioner and practically immobile, I really don’t see what being 13 years older has got to do with it.

The point here is that he is not making any effort.

From the tone of your question I’d say you have had enough and you don’t need to feel guilty about leaving someone who is clearly making absolutely no effort to be with you.

Isn’t there someone attractive, single and possibly younger closer to home you could date?

A year and a half is surely long enough for him to decide whether he should move himself to be with you.

Q: Can you have a successful relationship without being physically attractive to your partner?

I have been seeing this gentleman for a couple of weeks and the time we spend together is great. He treats me like a angel and pampers me all the time. He is older but we get along great. The sex is amazing but the only thing is I'm not physically attracted to him.

A: If the sex is amazing, then you must be physically attracted to him, to an extent.

Isn’t the problem here that you are struggling to deal with the fact that he is older?

These days age really isn’t an issue. He’s kind, generous, cares for you and the sex is amazing.

I’m not sure what else you want.

There are plenty of younger men out there of course, but you might be trading this kind, mature man, for a younger bloke who hasn’t a clue how to treat you and who doesn’t have the wherewithal to make you happy.

You also say you’ve only been seeing this man for a couple of weeks. It’s a little early to stress out about this, don’t you think?

Why not just enjoy his company and see where it goes. The test will be how you feel a few months down the line. When the haze of the initial attraction wears off that’s usually when we find out what people are really like and how they treat us.

It’s really far too soon to tell.

Q: If a girl has a boyfriend but allows you to kiss her, does it mean she loves you?

A: Of course it doesn’t. It merely means that she finds you attractive not that she is about to leave her boyfriend for you.

It could be flirtation, and nothing more.

If you don’t think there’s any chance she will leave her boyfriend for you, I wouldn’t waste any more time on her. Go and find a girl you can kiss without worrying about her boyfriend coming to look for you.

Q: It has been a month and my ex hasn't contacted me. Will he ever contact me?

We had a very messy breakup. He turned cold and I told him that we should stop talking since he was behaving so rudely to me. He left me since he wanted to pursue his studies and career. Then he said that he can live without me but I can't live without him. Hence I never called him again.

A: It’s always hard to accept that a relationship is over when you are still harbouring feelings for your ex but, in all honesty, this man has given you no indication whatsoever that he is going to change his mind and come back.

I doubt you calling would have made any difference - merely given him the opportunity to be rude to you again.

I think, hard though it is, you need to forget this man and get on with your own studies and career.

The best revenge, they say, is success and frankly I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing I was moping when he’s off building his career.

Have you any good friends to spend some time with - who could help you take your mind off things?

I think that’s what you need right now.

Q: How do I know if I'm truly in love with my partner?

I KNOW that I have relationship anxiety (Romantic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) but it's like I can't figure out if I truly love him or not.

A: When you say you KNOW that you have relationship obsessive compulsive disorder, have you been diagnosed with this by a psychologist - or is this your own interpretation?

Forgive me but people use these terms (particularly OCD) incorrectly sometimes to indicate an obsession which, with a bit of self control and willingness CAN be controlled. True sufferers cannot their obsessions - and certainly not without a lot of help from qualified professionals.

What I am asking is - are you really saying you are a hopeless romantic waiting for the full ‘Disney’ experience - the violins, the roses, the passion?

Because very often these don’t actually turn up - despite the fact that we may love our partners very much indeed.

Friendship, respect, kindness, affection and, yes, sex, are a much better list of ‘ingredients’ for a loving relationship.

If you have these you aren’t going far wrong.

A good ‘acid test’ is if you can envisage yourself living happily without them - or if you find yourself looking forward to being apart.

Everyone needs some alone time but if you find you need days and weeks then I’d suggest you are certainly not in love.

Rather than analyse your relationship to death (and if you truly have ROCD then I understand), why not focus on others.

When we obsess it’s usually all about us - which isn’t very attractive.

If you make sure your life includes friends, family, hobbies, self development, sports and so forth then it will soon become clear if there’s truly room for your current partner.

Q: My boyfriend never takes me to hang out with his friends. What should I do?

Some of them don’t like me. Plus he says that due to cultural reasons the women of his friends don't hang out with them either, which is true, but other women friends are often with them. And it’s not just a guy thing. So this really bothers me.

A: Your boyfriend is just making excuses and I think at heart you know that.

A good boyfriend would WANT to show you off and to introduce you to all his friends.

This sounds more like a case of ‘having my girlfriend with me cramps my style’ and in your shoes I would be asking myself whether I could be bothered to stay with him.

I’m not sure why some of his friends don’t like you - did he tell you this?

And what are these ‘cultural reasons’ the other girls don’t hang out with his mates either?

I hate to say it but I suspect you’re being played for a fool.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 30 2017

This week - should you hug your married friends when you greet them, confessing your love to a work colleague and what to do when he forgets your one year anniversary.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Whenever I like a guy, I always find out the next day that he has a girlfriend. Should I ignore him and move on?

A: How can you not know if a guy has a girlfriend? Are you meeting these guys when they’re out and about in the evening in clubs and bars?

One of the first questions I’d be asking is “are you seeing anyone at the moment” when it becomes clear the relationship has potential.

Rather than chase men who are ‘safe’ because they have girlfriends and there’s no risk of commitment, why don’t you look for love elsewhere - via friends, hobbies, sport etc and really get to know them.

That way you will know if they are single and have the chance to form a relationship that has far more potential than a quick fling after a night on the town.

Q: Women are advised to date a minimum of 3 guys at a time, otherwise she will be taken for granted. What should you do if you can't find another 2 guys?

Women are told that if they only date 1 guy at a time, he will take her for granted and never ask for commitment because you're not seeing anyone else anyway. If you can't find 2 more guys you want to date, should you lower your standards?

A: Where on earth did you get that piece of advice from? I would have thought the more guys you date the more you will be taken for granted and the less likely you will be to win any kind of exclusive relationship.

Game playing in relationships rarely works. There is no ‘formula’ and playing with people’s feelings generally means you’ll end up alone.

My advice would be to find one man at a time to date and if he doesn’t show you respect and kindness, move on.

Q: How can I get him to understand that I'm trying to move past what happened to me in the past and for him to bring it up all the time doesn't help?

A: You have to be firmer and tell him, unconditionally, that you do NOT want to discuss it any more and when he does raise it, change the subject or simply walk away.

That’s fine unless what happened to you in the past also involves your boyfriend because if it does then it may be understandable that he needs to talk about it.

In that case professional counselling for both of you might be an idea because it sounds like you both need help to move forward.

Q: I met a married lady friend and we greeted with a hug. Was it wrong of me if my hand slid from her back to her lower waist and she removed my hand?

A: It depends whether you were trying to, as the expression goes, ‘cop a feel’.

If it was an accident then you have nothing to worry about.

If you were flirting with her, she clearly didn’t like it so if you want to keep her friendship I wouldn’t do it again.

Who instigated the hug? People’s attitudes to physical contact when greeting varies of course, but I don’t usually hug my married friends - particularly not ones of the opposite sex.

Q: If you and your boyfriend agree on taking a break due to personal health reasons and he cheats on you within 3 weeks, how are you supposed to take it?

A: Why would you instigate a break for ‘personal health’ reasons? Was it you or him? People don’t usually split up because one of them is unwell - that’s all the more reason to care for one another (remember the ‘in sickness and in health’ line in marriage vows?).

If it was him then I’m afraid he was using his health as an excuse to break up.

If it was you then I don’t understand why you would ask for a break as such.

In any case, I always think ‘breaks’ of any kind are usually an excuse for the instigator of the break to go off and sleep with other people.

I’m sorry he cheated on you but I suspect you’re much better off without him.

Q: How do you tell someone you work with that you love her?

A: Love is a very strong word. Don’t you mean you find them very attractive and have a crush on them? Without knowing someone I’d hesitate to call it love.

If she is married or in a relationship I’m afraid you’ll need to keep your feelings to yourself.

Does she have any idea you feel this way? Are you friends? Do you talk to each other?

If you have no idea how she feels about you, announcing your love might freak her out a bit.

I’d also be careful if she’s senior or your boss.

I would concentrate (if she is single) on developing a friendship with her - ask her out for a coffee or something, get to know her as a person and take it from there.

Q: Is it okay to be upset at my boyfriend? It’s our one year anniversary and I got dressed up thinking we’d do something special.

It's our one year anniversary and he went out and ate and came back. I hadn't eaten, having dressed up thinking we'd do something special together. Is it okay to be upset about this?

A: Men don’t ascribe the same importance to birthdays, anniversaries and special occasions that we do. 

Lots of them show affection in completely different ways and HATE being made to show affection - Valentines Day is a case in point.

You don’t say whether this is a wedding anniversary or the anniversary of you being together.

If it’s the latter, it’s possible he doesn’t see it as particularly significant.

Did he know it was your anniversary? Had you discussed it in advance or did you just expect him to automatically remember?

Again, if it was a wedding anniversary I would have been a bit miffed but I would have made sure something was booked in advanced and I’d told him we were going out.

This is a tricky one because if you aren’t married and you create a hoo-hah about him missing this, then you may end up having the ‘commitment conversation’. Are you hoping the relationship will go long term? Do you know how he feels?

Are you prepared for the fact that he might not see this as a long term thing?

You know it’s not so much how we’re treated on special occasions that counts, more how we’re treated through the rest of the year and if he’s a decent, honest, faithful bloke who’s just made a bit of a cock-up, I’d forgive him and book somewhere nice for you to go next weekend.

Definitely a situation to play by ear - and make sure you take charge of next time.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 29 2017

This week - whether you can get pregnant naturally at 45, sisters who scream at you and why guys tell you they don't want a family and then start one with the very next girl who comes along.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Can I get pregnant at age 45?

A: I had my son at 45 and conceived naturally so yes it is perfectly possible.

A woman can conceive until she hits menopause, when she runs out of eggs and her periods stop.

There are risks associated with a later pregnancy and the chances of natural conception do reduce at that age. The chances of chromosomal abnormalities increase at this late age (e.g. Downs Syndrome) so you have to weigh up the risks with the benefits.

The main challenge, in my experience, is after the baby’s born - making sure you stay fit and healthy so that you live long enough to see your child grow up.

Q: I'm loyal to my boyfriend but he doesn't trust me at all.  What can I do?

A: In a way this isn’t your issue -it’s your boyfriend’s. If someone is insecure, they need to learn to deal with their own anxiety, rather than expecting everyone else to treat them with kid gloves.

All you can do is reassure him of your loyalty and your feelings for him but don’t start curtailing your behaviour so that he effectively controls you.

For example, cutting contact with friends and family, wearing what he wants, always going where he wants to go - just so that he can ‘trust’ you.

If you are naturally flirty, you might want to tone your flirting down when you are with him, but I think he’s going to have to learn to trust you.

Q: Why am I so irresponsible about working on my relationship after my emotional affair?

I cheated on my girlfriend with many women (emotional affairs) over many years. She found out and we are now working through it. I want to be with her. Yet, every time I want to work on fixing it, I seem to procrastinate or am not able to cope or organise my thoughts to rebuild the relationship.

A: In other words, you don’t really want to be with her, you want to take the guilt away.

If you are procrastinating or not working to make things better, all you are doing is compounding the problem.

If you don’t think you can commit to the relationship then don’t break her heart again.

It doesn’t matter if the affairs were emotional or not she probably feels completely betrayed.

You might start by asking yourself where this need for constant attention from other women comes from.

It might be better to seek therapy on your own before you continue further with this relationship.

If she hadn’t found out would you actually have told her?

If the answer to that is no, then you definitely owe it to her to have a clean break and sort yourself out.

Q: Why would a guy tell you that he doesn't want kids but goes and has kids with someone else?

A: Because he’s using the kids thing as an excuse and the real reason he left was because the relationship wasn’t right.

Sometimes it’s also a matter of timing - literally right woman, right place, right time.

It can be really unfair, can’t it.

But if you want kids of your own then he doesn’t sound an ideal father for them. Honesty is hugely important in a relationship and he certainly failed at that one.

Q: Every day my sister screams in my left ear and I am starting to lose my hearing. No one cares so I cannot get an ear checkup. What should I do?

Every time I ask her to stop she will yell in my ear again as “punishment”. I keep asking my parents to take me to get a checkup for my ear but neither of them care about it. It has been harder and harder for me to hear through up and I get ear pains. Even now she is screaming in my ear.

A: You don’t say how old your sister is but this is a form of bullying and I think you need, firstly, to be firmer with your parents and tell them you want it to stop.

Secondly I think you need to buy some earplugs (in the UK you can buy some in Boots called Muffles which are around £2.49) and when your sister is about put them in.

You don’t need to let her know you’ve done this.

You could also try a bit of reverse psychology. The next time she does it say something like “oh, give it a rest you’re so boring with this lame old scream thing. Haven’t you got something better to do with your life”?

She’s doing it because she’s getting a reaction from you. Is there something else going on between you or in your family that is causing her to be so unpleasant? It sounds as if she is jealous of you. Could you try making friends or somehow building bridges with her?

Try not to worry too much - I doubt she is damaging your hearing long term.

In the UK (sorry I don’t know where you are), you can get a hearing test at any opticians, often for free so again, depending on how old you are, this is something you could sort out without your parents or sister knowing.

If this continues is there another relative (aunt, uncle) you could confide in who could have a word with your parents on your behalf?

Earplugs are definitely the first stop.

Q: What does it mean when your ex tries to show you that his new lover is better than I ever was? I gave him my all.

We broke up because we can’t be together (long story). We still love each other. Now that each of us is moving on with someone else, he keeps on shoving pictures to my face and showing me conversations between him and his new girlfriend. Is he not over me? Is he jealous that I'm with someone else?

A: My question to you would be if you’ve broken up why are you having so much contact?

I’m assuming you are still in contact via Social Media in which case if it is truly over - and I’m not sure from your question whether it is - then just block / unfriend and move on.

He can only annoy you with pictures of his new girlfriend if he has somewhere to send them.

Change your phone number and get on with your new partner - who is probably very unimpressed with the trouble your ex is trying to stir up.

By the sound of it you need to choose whether this new partner is for you (if not, don’t mess with his feelings) or whether you are still hankering after your ex.

If it’s the latter, only you have the ability to sort out the situation (whatever the ‘long story’ is).

Q: My girlfriend is very kind, beautiful, faithful and loving. But I just don't get any intense emotions or feelings when I'm with her. Is this normal?

We are in our early twenties. I am just wondering whether this is what love is like or am I with the wrong person despite the fact that she has a lot of great qualities?

A: The early thrill of romantic relationships rarely lasts and when it fades usually you’re left with a great friendship with sexual benefits, a partnership which supports both of you and allows you to grow and grow UP over the years.

It’s possible what you are experiencing is entirely normal but from the wording of your question I get the impression that, great though your girlfriend is, she’s not your long term love.

Just because people tick all the boxes on our ‘romance checklist’ doesn’t make them the right person for us - and actually perfection is often very unsexy.

Ask yourself if you would be just as happy without her and if the answer is yes then I think the relationship has run its course.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 27 2017

This week - helping a friend who's about to experience a break-up and how to react when your partner starts talking about 'starting a family eventually'.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: A friend and I drove about 2,300 miles to stay with her family after they begged us to visit. What should we do since they're treating us horribly?

They now complain and talk about us behind our backs, go out without inviting us, and haven't once connected with us. They’ve hinted many times that they want us gone already, however, they were the ones who kept begging us to visit! It’s only been 5 days. We’re not bad house guests, either!

A: Oh dear. It sounds like your definition of a good house guest and theirs differs a bit.

Did you agree how long you would stay before you left? 5 days is quite a long time you know if they don’t have the room and you are expecting them to feed you and ferry you about.

If they keep hinting they want you to leave then couldn’t you check into a local cheap hotel or something?

Are you helping around the house? Have you offered to pay for food - or bought food, or a bottle or wine or flowers?

If you’re a couple, are you being less than subtle about physical relations and embarrassing the hell out of them?

Next time I think your friend needs to sort out how long she is welcome to stay. Were they expecting you to tag along or did it come as a surprise?

It sounds as if SOMETHING has happened to royally annoy them and rather than let the relationship continue to sour, the gracious thing to do is to do as they ask and leave.

Q: Why do I always have to reconfirm everything?

For example, I get into a bus after seeing the board to check the route, yet after I take a seat, I find the urge to get down and check the bus number again! It's the same with taking my keys when I go out or remembering to switch off stove.

A: This sounds as if it is a mild case of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder where the sufferer cannot stop themselves from having compulsive thoughts or from carrying out repetitive actions such as hand washing.

I have a mild case of it myself which you can read about here - and it includes examples from others too of how it affects them.

Mother Distracted: OCD - My Glasses & Me

Sometimes though, these behaviours can arise out of nervousness or anxiety without developing into the full blown syndrome.

Rest assured you have my heart-felt sympathy because it is a very tiring thing to deal with and one which non-sufferers really struggle to understand.

If you are a very anxious person, the first thing to do is to find ways to manage your stress to see if that helps - perhaps read up on mindfulness or try meditation.

If, however, your thoughts start to tend towards harming either yourself or others, or putting yourself in danger, then please see your doctor as soon as possible.

Therapy and medication may help this condition so take action and reach out for support.

Q: Do you think my boyfriend's ex has still feelings for him?

Their relationship lasted for four years and my boyfriend waited for almost two years before entering a new relationship. Now that this girl knows we’re together, she has blocked me everywhere.

A: It’s possible she does but after two years it’s unlikely that he’ll go back to her.

How does she know your social media accounts though? Have you been following her?

Or has she been stalking you via your boyfriend’s accounts?

If so you need to ask him why she’s still a Facebook friend, or whatever, and if she is, seek his reassurance that the relationship is indeed over and that they are not still in touch.

Otherwise it sounds like a case of “I don’t want him but you can’t have him either”. I’d try to ignore her. If she’s blocked you then unless your boyfriend is still in touch with her she has effectively removed herself from your life, hasn’t she?

Q: I have a crush on 4 different guys, all with a high academic profile and really smart, whilst having a boyfriend for 3 years. Do I have to break up?

My boyfriend is also a academic but not that high profile. I have lots of fun with him but having constants crushed makes me feel worried about me relationship. If this is going to continue I can’t say I’ll be happy with him.

A: These aren’t really crushes, are they? They are men you find more attractive than your boyfriend and that’s what you really need to admit to yourself.

If you no longer feel for your boyfriend or don’t want to be with him them just be honest.

Don’t try and fabricate another relationship as an excuse for leaving him.

You won’t be a bad person for leaving him, you know, just an honest one.

It would be far better to admit now that you’ve had enough and you want to explore other relationships.

As a caveat though, if your only reason for wanting to break up with him is BECAUSE he has a ‘lesser’ academic profile than these other men, rather than trophy hunting why don’t you support your current boyfriend and see if you can help him to raise his academic profile.

Or better still, how about developing one of your own?

Q: If a girlfriend says that she wants to "build a family eventually", how should that be interpreted?

A: She is saying, in a round about way, that if you want to continue in a relationship with her, at some point she will want children with you.

This is a classic ‘test question’ because if you don’t tell her whether or not you want kids, staying in the relationship IMPLIES you do.

Unfortunately, some girls get a bit over keen and ask this question on the second date which tends to send their dates running for the hills but if you have been in a relationship for a while and it looks like it could be a long term one, now is the time to start talking.

If it’s a relatively new relationship, if you’ve no intention of having kids with her, you should do the honorable thing and tell her NOW.

Q: How do I help a friend who thinks that she is going to have a breakup with her boyfriend soon?

My friend thinks that because her boyfriend is not talking to her much now and says he has to let out things he has been holding in, he is about to leave her. She has already had a break up and doesn't want to lose this guy. She is really stressed out right now.

A: It’s a horrible feeling when you think you are about to lose someone you love but, from your description, it doesn’t sound as if the relationship is going too well.

What did they break up over last time?

And has he let out these ‘things he has been holding in’? Is he too scared of upsetting your friend?

I’m afraid reading between the lines he wants out but doesn’t want to hurt her.

All you can do is gently make her see that there is no point being in a relationship with someone who does not want you.

Help her to see her good points and encourage her to find someone (in time) who sees all the wonderful things in her that you do.

Don’t criticize him - you never know they may end up back together in which case you’ll be seen as the bad guy.

Just let her talk and be there as an ear and a shoulder to cry on.

Other than that, all you can do is advise her to sit down with this guy and have a completely open and honest talk - but she will need to be prepared to hear things she probably won’t want to.

Better that though, than continuing in a constant state of stress and upset.

You’re a great friend for caring.

Q: He asked for a break but to strengthen friendship. Does it mean its over?

During our last fight, he asked for "a break from romantic involvement to hopefully strengthen our friendship”.  Those were his words. He's upset that a male friend called while I was with him.  He went through my phone and told me to end the friendship. Yet he calls ME insecure for thinking he's with his ex or seeing someone. I ended it.

A: It sounds like he has mentally checked out of the relationship and, by the sound of it, you are better off without him.

I’m assuming the male friend WAS just a friend? He had no right to go through your phone contacts, nor to demand you end the friendship. That is very controlling behaviour.

I notice that if you challenge him for the same thing, he calls you insecure.

He sounds jealous, possessive and immature.
And asking for a ‘break’ is usually a way of saying I want out but I haven’t got the guts to end it.

I really think you did the right thing ending it.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 26 2017

This week - when he loved hearing your voice but doesn't call for 2 days and when your mother suggests your sister is mistreating your kids in your absence.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: He says he is fond of me.  What does that mean?

A: It probably means that whilst he likes you as a person and even has a certain amount of affection for you, he doesn’t see you as a romantic partner.

It’s the kind of thing we say so as not to hurt someone’s feelings.

Without knowing your exact circumstances, of course, it’s difficult to be precise, but ‘fond’ is the kind of word we use for friends, other people’s children and pets.

I hope you are not about to have your romantic hopes dashed.

The only way to find out for sure is to ask him what exactly he means by ‘fond’. I suspect you can tell whether he fancies you or not by his body language and whether he is always trying to spend time with you.

We might be ‘fond’ of someone but it usually doesn’t mean we’re pulling out all the stops to spend time with them.

Q: Why would your boyfriend just leave you without any reason?

A: He wouldn’t. There’s always a reason and if you have been in a relationship for a decent amount of time you are quite entitled to ask why.

If you are very young though, romantic feelings come and go without any particular reason, or because someone else seems more appealing.

Leaving without any explanation is pretty immature.

I would start asking what is up with him and if you are no longer in contact then I’m afraid you’ll just have to chalk it up to experience.

Q: How do I show my mum that respect and obedience are two different things? I want her to know that even if I can't obey her on some stuff, I still respect her and hold her in high esteem.

A: I can hear mothers all over the country gritting their teeth at your question. If your mum asks you to do something - and it’s reasonable, like put your clothes away, get to college on time, tidy your room, doing what she asks is a mark of respect.

It’s not a question of obedience. It’s a question of pulling your weight whilst you still live at home whilst acknowledging that her (and your family’s) hard work is keeping a roof over your head.

The best way to show respect is to help out. If my kids told me they respected me but weren’t going to ‘obey’ me, the WiFi password would mysteriously change over night and all pocket money would be stopped until they understood the basics of team work.

Buy your mum a huge bunch of flowers and give her a hand. She’s the only mum you’ll get.

Q: What are his intentions? We talk every day long distance. I sense he cares about me and obviously he likes me a lot since he bothered to keep in contact.

A: Let’s be honest. With email and social media, it is easy to keep in contact. Just a touch of a button and absolutely no effort required.

You’ll be able to gauge his intentions when he starts making some effort to come to see you or to plan a get-together - anything which involves actual PHYSICAL contact.

Until that time, it’s all ‘pie in the sky’.

From your question it sounds like you hardly know this man at all and, without more info about your situation it’s difficult to be precise but I think you need to know a lot more about this man before you build a romantic fantasy which might have absolutely no basis in reality.

Far better to concentrate on a nice guy who lives just around the corner.

Q: What should I do when a well-known girl proposes to me, but I am in love with another girl but it's one-sided?

A: Isn’t it obvious? Say no. Why would you want to break her heart and live a lie?

It may be that you are expected by friends and family or your culture to get married and settle down and I appreciate it may not be so easy to extricate yourself.

But if you do have any say in the matter whatsoever, your answer should be no and you would do better to forget the other girl you love and seek out a partner you do love and who you can be with.

Q: What would you do if your mum told you in confidence that your sister threw your 2 y/o son onto a couch in anger and then said she was just kidding?
I also witnessed her yell at my son unnecessarily & felt like she has anger issues. My son is 2 y/o, he has a twin brother and 4-year-old sister. I find her behaviour odd. She only sees them a handful of times out of the year. My mum said he was whining a little, she wasn't joking & she overreacted.

A: You need to say something to your sister to set some boundaries and expectations for how you expect her to treat her nephews and niece.

It doesn’t matter if she has ‘anger issues’ - that sounds like an excuse to me. As adults, most of us can control our temper and our behaviour - especially around children.

I would tell her you are concerned that she has problems keeping her temper around your kids and ask what it is that is bugging her.

Incidentally, where were you when all this was going on? Are you relying on your mum and sister for childcare - have they agreed to this or is there a chance you might be putting on them slightly?

Sometimes it’s easy to expect our relatives to put up with our kids just because they are our relatives - but they don’t always want to and it isn’t always fair to do that.

Even if your kids are just normal, boisterous toddlers, they can still be difficult to deal with. My two were far from little angels!

I think you need to sort out childcare and, at least for the time being, make sure you are present when your sister visits. It’s unfair on your mum to expect her to play judge and jury between her daughters.

If your sister DID throw your little one onto the couch then that is not acceptable behaviour and you need to ensure he’s not left in that situation again.

By the sound of it, your mum is trying to give you a gentle heads up that your sister can’t cope and you need to step in and care for your kids when she’s there.

Q: What does it mean if a man says he enjoyed hearing your voice but then doesn't call for two days?

I always thought when someone says that over that phone that means they miss you. But wouldn't they want to hear more of the voice and call the following day as well? It's been 2 days.what does it mean and what should I do? Should I show him I am upset that I didn't hear from him for that long?

A: I think you need to take a deep breath and step back a little here.

I think saying “I enjoyed hearing your voice” is a bit of an odd thing to say, to be honest. Do you meet this man? Do you know him well?

Don’t you think if he missed you he would want to see you IN PERSON?

2 days is nothing at all. People still have lives, responsibilities and commitments you know, even when they are dating.

I think you run the risk of appearing way too keen and I absolutely would not hound the man to show him you are ‘upset’.

Far better to show him you have a life of your own and are not a doormat waiting by the phone, surely?

This man doesn’t sound particularly keen to me I’m afraid and in your shoes, I would keep my dignity and take the view that if he’s interested he’ll call and if not, well, there’s someone far better out there.How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 25 2017

This week - when your precocious 5 year old wants to be a celebrity YouTuber, when you expect all your romances to be like Disney and when you fall for someone with a 'horrible and shady' past.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: My daughter is five & wants a YouTube channel; she says she wants to be a star. I think that five is definitely too young for that. What should I do?

A: Who is the parent here? Are you really taking instruction from a 5 year old? You are fully aware, I’m sure, of the risks exposing such a young child on the internet.

As a parenting blogger I write about my children and they occasionally appear on a short video which is uploaded to YouTube but it is MY channel and I carefully monitor what appears - obviously nothing suggestive and no nudity.

You have to be really careful these days.

Explain to your daughter that stars have to work hard to be discovered and they very often have talents other than singing, dancing or pretending to be a beauty queen.

In any case, I’m pretty sure YouTube’s community standards would be firmly against a 5 year old having their own channel. The minimum age for other socal media is around the 13 year old mark.

Time for you to put your foot down.

If you really think your child is a budding talent (and EVERY parent thinks that about their kids), then perhaps look in to modelling agencies or similar but I think you have to ask yourself who really wants your daughter to be a star? Is it possible that it’s really you?

Q: How do I apologize to a female friend for accusing her of cheating in a test?

A: Did you accuse her in private or did you denounce her as a cheat in front of a crowd of her friends.

Hopefully, you were relatively subtle about it in which case you should just say ‘sorry, the stress of the test got to me. I was an idiot, sorry for doubting you’.

If you have accused her publicly then you might have a bit more work to do - starting off with publicly apologising in front of the same crowd.

I’m curious though, what made you think she was cheating? And are you sure she definitely didn’t? If she’s mad at you then apologise but if she is quite quiet about it, I would be tempted to draw a veil over the whole incident and just move on without referring to it again.

Q: How can I emotionally break my childish Disney-esque romanticized view of true love & soul mates?

I understand, logically, that there are many compatible partners for me in the world. But, emotionally, when I meet someone, I long for the romanticized instant soul mate connection you only see in films and books. Then I unconsciously ruin what could be a great real connection with someone new.

A: Whilst you might not be hit by a ‘bolt from the blue’ when you meet the right person, very often I think things just ‘feel right’ if that person is for you.

So, whilst I agree that Disney has a lot to answer for in terms of its romantic notions of love, the world we currently live in can be so dull, so grey, so unpleasant that I don’t think holding on to that dream is so bad you know.

What you shouldn’t let yourself do is judge others too harshly, or dismiss them out of hand before you have got to know them, or given them a chance.

That’s not what happened in Beauty and the Beast, is it, after all.

I don’t think you are ‘unconsciously’ ruining things. I get the sense that, at present, you aren’t all that interested in being in a real relationship.

Q: What does it mean when your ex-girlfriend has a new boyfriend but doesn't delete your photos?

A: You have been a part of her life so why should she erase her history? I know that it may hurt but deleting your photos would make her look mean and spiteful, particularly on social media.

It may be there she still harbours some feelings for you but if she seems loved up with her new boyfriend it seems unlikely.

If I were you I’d stop looking at her social media accounts and concentrate on your life - and finding someone new to love.

Q: If he hasn't texted me in two weeks but is still liking my Instagram pictures, is he just playing with me?

We texted everyday for about a month and then in the middle of a conversation he just read it and stopped replying. This was 2 weeks ago now. There has been no further contact but he continues to like my Instagram pictures.

A: I never understand why people think texting and liking photos on Instagram is a real relationship.

The only way you will find out what is going on is to SPEAK to him.

If he hasn’t texted you in two weeks he doesn’t sound desperately interested and might just be liking your Instagram pictures to tease you or because he’s genuinely interested in your photos.

But really, in terms of a relationship it sounds as if he is wasting your time.

What was in that text that he didn’t reply to? Are you sure there isn’t another reason why he’s stopped texting.

Time to get on the phone to find out once and for all.

Q: Is it possible to get over someone for one month?

There is a guy who had a strong feelings for me at least 1 month ago. Now he acts like he doesn't care anymore and like I don't exist. How can I know if he is pretending or if he has really forgotten me? But if he has, is it possible to get over someone so fast?

A: Is it possible that you misinterpreted his feelings for you? Have you confused friendship for romantic interest? 

Sometimes it’s easy enough to do when we are not feeling very confident about ourselves. We read so much more into an innocent smile or gesture.

How do you know he had strong feelings for you? It does seem odd that he could have had a complete change of heart in just a month.

I can’t see why he would be pretending and although I don’t think he has forgotten you, it sounds like he is not interested in a relationship.

Rather than chase after him, your best bet is to quietly get on with your life with dignity and grace. If he’s interested he’ll soon come running - and then you will need to think very carefully about what he needs to do to earn your trust.

Because, if he has truly dumped you after only a month, he has quite a few bridges to build.

Q: If I’m falling for a woman with a horrible and shady past, should I even be thinking about that?

A: It depends what’s in her ‘horrible and shady past’.

If she’s a criminal, possibly not. If you are judging her for having had, for example, a lot of sexual partners, then that’s a different issue. Only you know what your definition of a horrible and shady past is!

It sounds like there is a complete mismatch of morals and values here though which doesn’t bode well for the relationship.

I would steer clear.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 24 2017

This week - when you call your girlfriend 'Ducky' and she hates it, you call your baby 'Peekaboo' and everyone hates it, and you wonder if you'll ever be happy.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: How should I respond to people who criticize me for naming my child Peekaboo?

My wife and I had a son about 3 months ago. We agreed that Peekaboo would be a cute baby name, so that is what we named him. Ever since then, people have been calling us bad parents and various other things. I don’t feel that it is any of their business what we name our child.

A: I sympathise. To a point.

Whilst you are right and it is your and your wife’s business what name you give your son, many people would think that this name may lead your child to be teased or worse, ridiculed, when they get to school.

What is cute for a toddler, is less funny in high school - or in a work environment.

That’s what people are gently trying to tell you.

Why don’t you give your son a more traditional name and keep Peekaboo as a nickname?

Q: Is it unfair to let your son's girlfriend sleep over but not let your daughter's boyfriend sleep over?

I am not the parent in this situation but the daughter. However, my brother is also a few years older than me (I'm 19) if that makes any difference. My parents don't even allow my boyfriend in my bedroom at all. I figured it's because I'm the youngest and a girl.

A: It may be 2017 but very often girls and boys are treated differently so yes, I suspect it is precisely because you are the girl and the youngest - although at 19 not so young.

To be frank, if I were your parents, I wouldn’t let either of you have boyfriends and girlfriends sleep over but every parent is different.

You could try discussing this with your parents but I suspect they are not likely to change their views on this, unfair as it may seem.

Why does your boyfriend need to sleep over though? I am assuming you are not allowed to sleep over at his either?

Is it actually your boyfriend your parents object to? How do they get on with him? Is he polite and respectful to them?

I think in this case you are going to have to wait until you move out to be with your boyfriend.

The only other suggestion I have is to get your brother on side and see if he will plead your case for you.

Q: I put a cotton bud too deep into my ear and now I can't hear anything on that side of my ear and it hurts.  What can I do to heal it?

A: I’m sure you know this by now but do NOT put cotton buds into your ear. There’s a saying - don’t stick anything in your ear smaller than your elbow because, as you have found out, you can damage your ear.

It sounds as if you have either pushed wax so far down into your ear it has become impacted and is affecting your hearing or that you have perforated your eardrum.

Please go and see your doctor to find out which one it is as soon as possible - particularly since you are in pain.

Don’t put anything else in your ear until you have been examined.

I hope all is OK. Try not to worry too much. I’m sure it will heal.

Q: Am I the bad guy for breaking off a relationship when the other person really wants to work it out?

I broke off a relationship over 9 months ago. The person since has tried really hard for things to work out but ultimately failed to meet my needs. I've made it clear in What I need out of the relationship and he has done everything but.

A: No of course you’re not. Actually if your ex has been trying to get back with you for over 9 months, I think you probably should have stood a little firmer to be fairer to them - and to you.

I always think that whilst, on paper, it’s a good thing to discuss what you ‘need out of a relationship’, relationships don’t really work like that. 

Generally they work or they don’t and when you get to the negotiation stage (I’ll love you more if you do this or that), really they are already past their sell by date.

I think you need to be clear to him and firmly say that it is not working, it’s still over, then cease contact and move on - at least until your ex has got used to the fact that it IS over.

But if you’re waiting for them to suddenly change to conform to meet your requirements, I suspect after 9 months it’s not going to happen.

Q: Is it wrong to say good morning and goodnight to a female friend if I'm in a relationship? I've been doing this since before I started dating.

I also gave the friend the nickname Ducky (in her class they have a name for things or people that they bounce ideas off of. Rubber Duckys and since I ask her opinion sometimes we settled on that.) My girlfriend is not happy about the nickname given to this friend.

A: It’s not a question of whether it’s wrong. It’s a question of whether it’s irritating your girlfriend and, by the sound of it, it is.

Whilst saying good morning and good night is, to some, rather sweet, I can see that it could also be seen as a tad obsessive - or even as if you are keeping tabs on her.

As for the nickname, I can quite see why she hates it. Can’t you see that there are other connotations with the word ‘Rubber’? Whilst it might be funny in class, outside of that, I’m sure she doesn’t want to be addressed as a school pupil.
Can’t you come up with something more romantic, or flattering?

If you want to keep this relationship going, I suspect you are going to have to start focusing on what she wants, rather than what you have been doing for ages without any thought to the consequences.

Q: I just did a pregnancy test at home 7 days before my period and came out negative; are the results accurate?

A: Is this because you have had unprotected sex and are worried? Or because you are planning to conceive? Either way you really need to wait until you miss a period.

Over the counter pregnancy tests are generally over 99% accurate.

If your period turns up, then you most likely are not.

If your period doesn’t turn up but you get a light spotting (known as implantation bleeding) then you may well be.

But if you have just had unprotected sex and are hoping for an immediate result, then you are going to have to wait.

Either way, it would be a good idea to contact your doctor to discuss contraception or (and I hope it’s good news for you), your pregnancy.

Q: Why don’t I care about anything?

There's nothing to live for, no relationships, happiness, passion, success etc. Nothing really matters to me, I often think about sabotaging everything or cut off everyone and restart my life.

A: Please go and see your doctor because what you describe are classic symptoms of depression.
Do you have close family or friends you can confide in who could support you and even come with you to the doctor?

Hard though it seems you need to take some positive action and the doctor will probably prescribe some anti-depressants which should make you feel more like your old self again.

You don’t have to take them for ever - just to get you through this dark period.

Rest assured that many, many people feel just the way you do and fight what is known as the ‘black dog’ but they manage to overcome it and lead happy productive lives with help and support.

Whilst all you want to do is shut the doors and keep everyone away, the only solution to the way you are feeling is reaching out.

The first step will be the hardest but you will feel glad you did in time.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 23 2017

This week - when that ex gets back in touch, when he won't speak to you for a week after an argument and the lure of the 'older woman'.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q:Is it okay for my boyfriend to move to another part of the country in order to work for his ex-girlfriend, and live in her house alone with her during the project?

A: In your shoes I think alarm bells would be ringing extremely loudly. To be frank it sounds like he is off to move in with her.

What is this ‘project’ and if it’s work why does he need to share her house? I’m assuming it’s a question of money but it does sound rather odd.

Is this a permanent job or a temporary one? Does he have any other job opportunities closer to home?

Surely the cost of moving to a different part of the country might outweigh any money he’ll make from working with his ex if it’s a short term project?

I think there are lots of questions you should be asking rather than just putting up with it.

Has he said anything about commitment to your relationship? Has he reassured you that he loves you, wants to be with you and that he’ll be back?

Has he talked about how you’ll stay in touch? Daily phone calls, Skyping? Facetime

If he hasn’t said any of this then I think you need to start asking - and if you don’t get the answers you are looking for, I would tell him you are not promising to be there if he decides to return.

Q: How do you stop thinking about someone you might never see again?

A: By allowing yourself to think about them until you get bored. That doesn’t sound very helpful does it but the more you try NOT to think of something the more you will find you do. If I tell you not to think about a pink elephant, as the popular saying goes, I bet you will think about a pink elephant.

If this person is already out of your life then allow yourself a bit of time to grieve and wallow. Get it all out of your system and then gradually you may find that your memories don’t hurt quite as much and you can put them away from time to time to concentrate on happiness in the here and now.

Or you could try allocating a certain amount of time to think about them - give yourself half an hour to really wallow and then say - right - that’s enough of that and go on with your day.

I am assuming you have done what you can to keep in touch with them - social media, Skype etc but if your situation involves someone about to pass away I am really sorry.

It also sounds like you need to unburden yourself to a good friend or family member - or even a professional.

Q: I haven't heard from my boyfriend since we had an argument (a week ago). He keeps ignoring me, it hurts so bad. What should I do?

We had this “big” fight over texts (it sucks, we don't talk much on the phone), he told me to change and grow up. Then I tried to get in touch, he would almost never reply, not even to calls. Then I stopped. That was some days ago. I'm starting to think he doesn't care about me anymore.

A: I’m wondering what the argument ‘about texts’ was. Has he been receiving texts from other women? Do you insist on reading his texts?

It sounds to me as if, I’m afraid, he has something to hide. Was the relationship going well previously? Sometimes gutless partners will start a big fight as an ‘excuse’ to split up because they aren’t brave enough to be honest.

To ignore you for a week is really immature and he’s either game playing and a bit of a control freak or it sounds as if something else is going on.

I know this is not what you want to hear but your best strategy in this situation is to stop chasing because if he is interested he will be back.

If he hasn’t got in touch in another week, I think you have to assume it’s over - but at least you’ll be rid of someone who doesn’t sound very nice.

If you do have issues with jealousy though and you constantly need to check up on your partner’s behaviour then that is something you will need to work through because it will drive future partners away if you don’t keep it in check.

Q: Is it becoming more acceptable these days for men to be attracted to women older than themselves?

I’m not being funny,But in a way it’s better for men to be attracted to mature women they have more likely to have more in common with a woman older than themselves since they been around a lot longer they have more knowledge.

A: Well yes, but it doesn’t really work like that, does it. There are no rules to attraction and no mathematical or logical formulae for it.

And whilst I wholeheartedly applaud your recognition that older women can be just as sexy and interesting as younger ones, unfortunately I still don’t think you can apply a blanket generalisation that older equals wiser.

Because it doesn’t, often.

The other bigger issue with relationships with older women is that their childbearing years won’t be as great - and I say that as someone who had her kids in her forties.

That’s not a reason to not date an older woman of course but all I’m saying is that life is often more complicated than we want it to be.

If children aren’t an issue then it’s the woman who matters - not her age.

Q: How can I forgive him when he's cheated on me more than twice?

A: In your shoes, to be perfectly frank, I wouldn’t.

I can understand that you may be desperate to keep him but a relationship is a two way thing and it doesn’t sound like he is committed to you.

If he’s cheated more than twice and got away with it, why would he stop now? Sadly, sometimes our forgiveness is read as permission to carry on regardless.

Only you can decide if you want to put up with this and, frankly, there is little point in forgiving him unless he is committed to changing his ways.

That is the conversation you need to have with him but be aware that ultimatums rarely work.

I would accept that the relationship is effectively over and find someone who treats you with respect, kindness and love.

You really don’t need to be a doormat you know - that’s not love in anybody’s book.

Q: He told me he liked me. We’ve known each other for 6 yrs, but only gotten quite close as of last year. I don’t know if I actually like him back?A: It sounds like you are very unsure and I would listen to your gut instinct on this one.

If you truly were interested in him romantically, I don’t think there would be any doubt in your mind.

If this doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.

I would also be wondering why it’s taken 6 years to decide to ask you out.

Without knowing your situation it’s hard to comment further but I suspect there is something else going on with him unless he has just had a romantic awakening - which, though not impossible, would be unlikely after all this time.

Q: What does it mean when an ex contacts you and wants to start getting together again "just as friends" because she misses the friendship?

A: Well there are two possibilities here.

Firstly, that may be exactly what she wants - to renew a friendship.

Secondly, she may be angling to come back and is using the ‘just as friends’ line to test your reaction. She might also be hoping that renewing your friendship will lead to a renewal of your past relationship.

Only you know her well enough to decide which one it is.

Some people can be entirely mature with their exes and see no reason why a friendship shouldn’t resume after all the heartache has passed by.

Others prefer not to look back because if a relationship didn’t work then, it is unlikely to work now.

Again, only you know whether you are comfortable having her back in your life as a friend, or whether this will open up a painful situation again.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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Problem Page Edition 22 2017

This week - when you're 44 and your parents still yell and you, and what to do when your sister hates the boyfriend who led you to get done for drink driving.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: It's been months since my ex broke up with me for a silly reason. I dream of him and long for closure. I feel abandoned. What do I do?

A: It might have been a silly reason to you, but it obviously wasn’t to him. Was it something you did? Did you try to make amends and apologise?

Or did he just tire of the relationship and decide he wanted to start afresh?

Unless you can honestly examine the reason why and work out whether you played a part in it, I think moving forward will be difficult.

When you say you ‘long for closure’ do you mean you still don’t understand why he left? Or are you secretly hoping he’ll return.

When relationships end you don’t really get ‘closure’. Over time you move to an acceptance that the relationship is over and hopefully move on to someone new.

You can either contact him and ask to talk about what happened, understanding that this may be painful and he may well not want to come back or draw a line under things and look to the future.

Don’t wallow. Get out and about and focus on you, your hopes and dreams, what you would like to achieve.

Now is the time to get busy and to concentrate on your career and the hobbies you are passionate about.

And if he did dump you for something stupid, a little bit of anger wouldn’t hurt either.

Are you really sure he’s right for you? If he treated you badly why would you want him back. Isn’t there someone kinder and more gorgeous you could dream about?

Q: Are girls more attracted to guys who give them less attention?

If a girl has no problem drawing attention and has plenty of guys interested in her, if a guy doesn’t give her the normal amount of attention she’s used to, does that make the guy more attractive because he isn’t like the rest?

A: It’s really hard to say. Everyone is different. A girl who regularly receives a lot of attention may find a more aloof guy more of a challenge - but this is really stereotyping girls and romantic behaviour.

You are basically asking “does playing hard to get work” - and the answer to that is yes - but only if there’s interest there in the first place.

Lots of women are fed up of game playing and just want a normal, decent guy who treats them well.

If you’re interested ask her out. She’ll either say yes or no - and you'll avoid wasting possibly months!

Q: Does it mean anything when a guy opens up about his feelings?

At work one of my managers told me he was angry because he had been turned down for the role of general manager.  He said he felt like their slave and really let off steam to me. Does it mean anything, like he trusts me or something?

A: I think this guy was just incredibly angry and wanted someone to vent to. He would have been better taking his grievances to HR than offloading them onto you, particularly if the position he was turned down for was as senior as general manager - not very professional.

I hope you just listened without commenting and haven’t told all and sundry about his confession.

He has put you in quite a tricky situation. I would definitely forget the conversation and not refer to it again.

And if you’re asking whether it was some sort of romantic overture, since the guy was livid about his career prospects being thwarted, I don’t think love was anywhere on his mind.

Q: I am 18 and my boyfriend is turning 22 soon. How do I tell my mum about him?

A: Are you saying your mum doesn’t know he exists? And is it the fact that he’s 4 years older that’s worrying you?

At 18 you are perfectly old enough to choose your boyfriends and I don’t see the age gap as a problem.

If you suspect your mum won’t react well then make her a coffee and tell her you’ve met a nice boy who makes you happy and would she like to meet him?

If he really isn’t a ‘nice boy’ and has some less than attractive characteristics (criminal record, bad habits, drink, drugs etc) then before you tell your mum you might want to ask yourself what you’re doing with him.

Q: How can I act like just a friend to my crush?

I really (really) like this one girl but I want to act like a friend to her. How do I do this with out getting friend zoned? (I also want to do a lot of things with her going like sailing and stuff but with out it seeming like I like her) Please don't question my twelve year old reasoning for this.

A: You’re right. The reasoning does seem rather, age 12. Are you afraid she’ll outright reject you if you tell her how you feel? Does she already have a boyfriend?

You say you want to act like a friend to her without being friend-zoned. But if you are a friend, that’s exactly where you end up, surely?

You either have to be brave and ‘fess up and accept that adult relationships come with a hefty amount of risk and rejection or accept that, as a friend, you are voluntarily friend-zoning YOURSELF.

She may well like going sailing and sharing joint hobbies, but as soon as a boyfriend appears on the scene, you’ll probably find that curtailed.

Wouldn’t you rather be the boyfriend?

Q: Is it OK that I'm 44 and my parents still yell at me?

A: It’s not OK but I don’t think people’s parenting style ever really changes - and they probably still see you as their child.

The bigger question is how you react to it.

It’s very easy to fall back into the old patterns, no matter how old you are - shouting back, flouncing off, slamming doors, refusing to contact them.

As a 44 year old, you at least have a chance to break that pattern but calming asking them not to yell at you, avoiding the situations where they are likely to yell and if you are still behaving like a teenager, think about whether there are more mature ways you can behave.

You don’t say what they yell about - there’s a difference between yelling at someone in frustration who still hasn’t got their life together (no job, no relationship, poor health etc) and yelling at you just because they’re your parents and they can.

Have you sat down with them and discussed this?

You are all old enough now to do that, surely?

Q: My sister hates my boyfriend but I don't know if she is right about him. What should I do?

I got done for drink driving from with him. That's one reason she feels strongly about him, that he let me drive. She has started blaming him and raising her voice to him.  He has started to get upset and raises his voice back. She says she feels very disrespected and cries because I am with him. She says he's abusive. Is she right?

A: You were just as much at fault as your boyfriend for getting behind the wheel while drunk, (arguably more so), so it’s not entirely his fault. Hopefully this was a one-off you have learned a lesson from.

But since he didn’t try to stop you, it doesn’t sound as if he’s a particularly nice guy - unless he was drunk as well.

You say that your sister cries that you’re with him which seems like an extreme reaction to me though, unless he is somehow putting you in regular danger. Are you sure she is not just jealous?

I’m not sure why she feels ‘disrespected’. That sounds like someone who is used to getting her own way and is having a tantrum that you won’t ditch your boyfriend.

What do your parents and your other friends think? What do you think?

If your boyfriend is unkind, controlling or not making you happy then he’s not the one for you.

Is drink playing a large part in your relationship?

The problem here is that you seem to be abdicating responsibility for answering these question to others, including your sister.

I’m not sure how old you are but I think you need to reach out for some advice to someone older and wiser (parents?).

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page 

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom. 

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