How To Find Honest Reports On Care Homes In England

We all know how important it is for the quality of health and social care to be monitored at all times.

So today we’re going to look at what the Care Quality Commission (CQC) does in England, and how they’re an essential source of information for anyone deciding which care homes to approach. Note: in Wales the relevant body is the Care and Social Services Inspectorate.

In an earlier post, we looked at ‘How To Talk To Ageing Parents About Retirement Living & Care’, so here we’re going to look a little further in-depth regarding how to source information.

A good point here before we get started, is that it’s ideal if you can do this type of research together with the person who is considering moving. Although this may not always be possible, if it is, it’s a good way to help develop further trust with your family member.


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Helping you decide

The Care Quality Commission provide us with an independent service, that has easily accessible information on health and social care groups across England.

They provide an essential transparency when it comes to the standard of care being provided, and most importantly: their findings are always published.

From here you can view and download the entirety of their inspector’s report, and or just review how the service has rated across five main categories which are:

Safety
Effectiveness
Care
Responsiveness
Service leadership

These categories are then rated on four levels - "outstanding", "good", "requires improvement" and inadequate. There is also a fifth ‘no rating/under appeal/rating suspended’ level, if the inspection is under review.


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Informative and honest

The regulator covers a wide range of care homes, from those that have been running for many years, to those who are more recently established, like Porthaven, who have been providing care since 2010.

In cases like this, the care home group work together with the Care Quality Commission, even providing details on the accountable people from the inspections, so it’s easy to reference names and possible contacts.

In touch with NHS practices

Another important part of what the CQC does is link their inspections with current trends in NHS trusts.

Their 2016 report on these services, called: Learning, candour, and accountability, provides an excellent insight into how thorough their approach is when it comes to relaying objective, and unbiased reports.


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Face to face advice

If you’re considering any type of health care, there can often be many questions that you’d rather just ask in person. However, many of us are familiar with how this can be easier said than done.

The CQC understands this well, and provides an extensive list of local groups that you can get in touch with, as well as the further option to join their online community, depending on which ways you find it most convenient to communicate.

So the good news is that it’s now easy to source a range of information on a care home, from the service themselves, as well as the people who inspect their work.

This can help to create peace of mind when it comes to making important decisions with your loved ones, and getting the most balanced point of view.

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Expert advice for supporting people in their senior years

I've written a lot lately about how best to care for our loved ones in their later years. We all know that old age brings with it great wisdom and experience, but it can also encroach on people’s much valued independence.

I've come across these great tips from Betterlife from LloydsPharmacy Independent Living Expert, Michael Sandland, who has some great advice about how best to help your loved ones remain independent in their senior years.

Encourage older people to stay socially connected

As social beings, it’s important to stay socially engaged to help avoid isolation, and this rings especially true for those in their advanced years. Building and maintaining relationships is important for mental wellbeing and has also been shown to aid physical wellbeing.

There’s some easy ways to encourage older people to stay social. For example, introducing a hobby such as yoga is a sociable way to stay fit or keeping in touch via FaceTime is more interesting than a simple phone call. Attending classes means your loved one will quickly make friends and have a routine social engagement. Alternatively, volunteering in local charity shops can be a great way for relatives to socialise with people from all walks of life.

Getting out and about for everyday tasks

Whilst internet shopping can put your mind at ease when considering older relatives during the cold and icy winter months, wherever possible it’s best to encourage your loved ones to get out and about. Popping to the shops for a pint of milk, going on the hunt for a family birthday present or dropping into the bank, going to the shops is an important part of staying active. Completing such tasks can be a challenge for those who struggle with mobility so it can be a good idea to recommend a mobility scooter. These can be a good solution to reduce strain and ensure users get to their destination comfortably. Check out the full range here: http://www.betterlifehealthcare.com/browse/mobility-scooters/

Support your elders in adapting their home 

As people grow older their home needs to adapt to ensure it remains safe and accessible. Indeed, one thing you will often hear older people say is that they don’t want to move into a care home and independence can be prolonged with clever technology and living solutions. For example, specialised adjustable beds, jar openers and big button telephones can do wonders for keeping people independent in their own home. Try visiting the Betterlife website for at home living solutions: http://www.betterlifehealthcare.com/

Staying fit and keeping minds active

Physical and mental agility is crucial to staying independent and there’s lots of ways to keep the mind and body fit as older people age. Whether it’s a daily Sudoku or watching Countdown with your loved ones, all these mind gym activities help to keep the brain sharp. Exercise classes for older people can be found at most town halls or local gyms to stay active.

Be mindful when offering support 

Providing assistance for older people comes naturally to carers but it’s important to frame the offer in the right way. Whether it’s helping older people navigate the internet or offering support with physical tasks, there are lots of ways you can make a difference to someone’s life. However it can be tough for elderly people to accept help after years of independence. When offering assistance avoid dictating and frame the support in a positive way. For example, if you are concerned about an elderly relative driving a car, maybe suggest they invest in a mobility scooter which is road legal. This will ensure they keep their independence and remain safe.

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Is It Time To Start Looking After Your Parents?

One of the most distressing problems that come with old age is losing your independence. For those that are in their senior years, it’s difficult when life gets a bit too much to handle. Perhaps you have elderly parents who are now less mobile. It’s hard to acknowledge that those sprightly figures that taught you how to ride without stabilisers may now be a little rocky on their path. How do you know when it’s time to start looking after your parents?

A Change In Mood 

Old-age can be a big downer as aches and pains kick in, and nap times become more frequent. Perhaps their flexibility has now depleted. Their energy levels may be waning and you find they’re sleeping more. These old-age signs are perfectly normal, but if their mood also starts to change, it may be a warning sign. They might become reclusive. Or they may seem more grumpy every day. If their mood is low, they may be feeling isolated, lonely or worthless. Try and boost their mood by inviting them for regular dinners and including them in activities with the children. Suggest new hobbies such as chess or tai chi. Make sure they are eating healthily and taking low impact exercise classes if they can.

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Losing Their Appetite

If you notice that your elderly relatives have lost their appetite, this can be a warning sign of underlying health problems. Our appetite does reduce as we reach old age, but if there are worrying signs, consider something may be wrong. There could be dental issues or indigestion problems. It may be down to the fact that they have lost motivation to cook. Or perhaps they just don’t have the energy to do so anymore.

Falling Over & Vision Loss

Life expectancy has increased, and we are living longer. But elderly people are still affected by arthritis and osteoporosis. As bones become weaker, falls are more likely. If you have a parent that lives alone, you may be worried about falls. Bones break more easily the older we get, and the knock-on effects of this can be dangerous to those in senior life. Macular degeneration is a common problem for those in later life. It can cause blurry vision and the inability to recognise faces. It can be a terrifying time for your parents. Bone density loss and eyesight should be checked regularly. Earlier this year I wrote a post about my elderly Mum and on waiting for an ambulance. It was a frightening time and one that warrants thinking more about the care of our elderly parents.

Memory Loss

One of the scariest parts of getting older is the worry that you may lose your memory. We all forget things from time-to-time, even names of family members, or where why we walked into a room. But if your parents are forgetting recent events, or are not thinking clearly, it’s another worrying sign. By 2025 it’s stated that there will be 1 million people with dementia in the UK, and it’s a progressive disease. If you are worried about a parent, make an appointment at the doctors straight away.

Decrease In Personal Care 

If you are noticing that your parents aren’t taking care of their personal hygiene or the way they keep their home, it’s a red flag. It could be a sign that they need more help that they want to ask for. Their health may be ailing, and they may not have the energy or confidence to take care of the house anymore. Check the kitchen and bathroom for signs of lack of care. As distressing as it is it may be time to consider moving your parents/parent into your home. And if that is not possible, or if you have a fight on your hands, it could be time to consider a 24 hr Live In Care Agency. Care agencies specialise in helping the elderly to have a rewarding life in their home, safe in the knowledge that care is on hand day and night.

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We are all scared of getting older, losing our mobility and losing our independence. When our lives are so busy, sometimes we forget what is happening to others. But there are ways to keep elderly parents feeling wanted and respected. You just need to make sure you are aware of impending problems and find solutions that work for everyone.

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Tips For Caring For Elderly Relatives At Home

I recently wrote about the challenges of caring for your elderly parents while they still live at home and just recently this has become a little more important to us due to the fact that Mum has had rather a patchy year of it so far, health wise.

Flickr:  Artis Rams

My parents are in their late 70s and still fully mobile and I have to say that I would far prefer to look after them at home for as long as possible before considering residential care.

But I am increasingly aware that, for them to live at home in comfort and safety, we will eventually have to make some changes to their house.

It's amazing what you have to think of when it comes to avoiding accidents - for example, my parents have had to swop to a cool wall toaster in case Mum touches it when she is unwell.  (She suffers from Temporal Lobe Epilepsy).

Then there's things like installing a handrail alongside the steps which lead down to their house and another to help them to walk down their sloping drive which is treacherous in icy weather.

Eventually we may have to consider adapting their bathroom to include a walk-in bath or shower when Dad is no longer able to lift Mum or creating a wet room.

I'm sure many of you will identify with the difficult line we have to tread between offering advice and help and being seen to 'take over' or dent our elderly relatives' pride.

It has taken Dad a while to be able to openly admit that having help sometimes is nice and he is much better at asking for help and sharing his worries with my sister Sarah and I.

But I find I often sound like I am nagging these days if I ask if they've had the heating on (the house is often like an igloo) or whether they are eating enough.

One of the things I am able to do is to invite them around to ours (we live literally a 10 minute walk away) for lunch to feed them up.

I think it is really important to maintain regular contact with your elderly relatives.  I find it heartbreaking when I read of old people who are in residential care yet receive no visitors. Their loneliness must be terrible.

My lovely mum

There are things we can do to help out - as long as we offer this help as tactfully as possible and gauge whether we are hurting feelings.  It's all about open and honest communication.

Here are some suggestions you could do if, like me, you're in that delicate position of recognising that a bit more help is needed, whilst not wanting to tread on toes.

I am, however, in the lucky position of living close by and with both parents currently able to look after one another.

For example:-

- invite them for meals

- batch cook at home (soups, stews, pasta dishes) and pop a few portions round in air tight containers to put in their freezer

- buy larger amounts of fruit and veg and let them have the surplus (very easy if you are a member of a cash and carry, such as Costco)

- offer to drive them to town once a week or to their supermarket to do the weekly shop

- carry out simple gardening tasks (hedge trimming, weeding, planting some perennials or herbs in pots).

- arrange for the laundering of big items such as blankets or duvets or take items to the dry cleaners

- wash the windows

- clean the house, even if it's just whizzing around with a vacuum.

- do their ironing

This is all basic stuff and I'm sure you will have many ideas of your own. The tricky part might be getting your elderly relatives to agree to let you help out with some of these!

If you live far away from your parents or elderly relatives, you may be relying on a paid carer or assistance from Social Services and your hands may well be tied in terms of what you can do to help - in which case an honest conversation with your elderly relatives might be the best way to see whether they are coping.

There is always something that can be done to help with the added bonus that knowing our elderly relatives are being looked after and their stress minimised makes both their, and our lives, just that little bit less stressful.

*This is a collaborative post

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Choosing The Right Care Home For A Loved One With Dementia

I have written a lot lately about the challenges facing us when our elderly loved ones need residential care.

Source:  Flickr: Jonas Boni

It is probably one of the most difficult, and important, decisions adult children have to make for their parents.

This decision is doubly hard when your mum or dad is suffering from a long-term illness such as Dementia.

Research carried out by Alzheimer's Research UK in 2014 found that older people are more fearful of developing dementia than they are of cancer.

Of the 500 adults over 50 surveyed across the UK, two thirds feared they would develop Alzheimer's while just one in 10 feared getting cancer.

There are currently around 850,000 people with dementia in the UK but as the population ages, this figure is expected to soar in coming years.

Despite this, awareness of the disease seems to receive nowhere near the amount of media coverage given to cancer.

May 15 - 21 is Dementia Awareness Week, the aim of which is to encourage everyone to confront dementia and share their own experiences and concerns in order to offer much needed support and information.

If you are faced with the dilemma of finding a care home to look after a loved one suffering from dementia, care homes provider Barchester Healthcare has homes across the country specialising in different kinds of care, including dementia.

They have a dedicated Director of Dementia Care and a team of Dementia Care Specialists who work across the homes providing further support and training.

Time is spent learning about the different types of dementia that the person may have and how they might best support each resident as an individual, as well as learning what is needed to help your loved one when they are distressed and to promote their well-being.

When my grandmother Jesse went into residential care in Plymouth back in the 80's there was no such option as a care home offering specialist care.  Nana suffered mild dementia and we would arrive to visit finding her already distressed because she couldn't find the kettle or a table-cloth to set out tea.

It is this inability to soothe and to communicate directly to your loved one that is so hard, isn't it? The pressure on those caring for dementia sufferers in their own home must be immense.

If you are at the stage where residential care is needed, Barchester Homes have produced a useful guide to choosing the right home for someone living with dementia.

It contains a useful set of questions and checklists to help make the process a little less stressful. For example, you are guided through issues such as the environment, the approach of the staff and whether the residents seem happy and engaged.

Although dementia cannot be cured, the current renewed focus on this distressing condition and a determination by those offering residential care to give specialist support to families and sufferers can only be a good thing.

Look out for more information about dementia from 15th May 2016.  There is also the Alzheimer's Society National Dementia Helpline which is 0300 222 1122 which provides information, support, guidance and signposting to other appropriate organisations.

*collaborative post

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Have You Budgeted For The Cost Of Looking After Elderly Parents?

As a ‘baby boomer’ (born in 1964) I knew that having children late in life meant I had to budget not only for my pension, but also for the costs of university fees for my children.

The costs of residential care are staggering

What I suspect many of us born in that era did NOT expect was that the costs of caring for our elderly parents would also fall to us.

This is not an issue whilst our parents remain well and able to live relatively unassisted in their own home.

But, once a care home is needed, the costs involved are staggering.

Currently the average cost of nursing home care in England and Wales is over £800 a week (or over £41,000 a year) per person.

This figure can be even higher in certain parts of the UK or where the elderly person’s needs are particularly severe or they need to go to a specialist Elderly Mentally Infirm home (for example if they have dementia)

There may come a time when we have to help our parents make some difficult decisions

As of April 2016, if a parent has assets which exceed the value of £23,250, they have to pay the full cost of their care and the family home will be included in the calculation of assets.

If their assets are below £23,250, they still have to contribute to the cost of their care from their capital until their assets fall to £17,000.

Once the £17,000 is reached, any extra income will be taken more or less in full to contribute towards ongoing care costs.

The total amount you may have to pay is currently capped at £72,000, but this amount is based on what your local health authority calculates the care is worth and does not include board and lodging costs.  You can find a good explanation here.

You can see that an individual’s entire life savings and assets can be spent in just a few months.

And what happens when the money runs out?

In the event that a parent suffers from a chronic, or life threatening illness, funding may be available from the NHS which currently offers Continuing Health Care Funding which will pay the full cost of care where the person’s need is primarily health based.

A second type of NHS funding called “funded nursing care” is available where the individual has nursing needs and is looked after in a registered care home that employs registered nurses.

Funded nursing care provides funding at a rate of £110.89 a week towards the person’s care costs which still leaves roughly £700 a week to pay.

Obtaining this funding depends, of course, on meeting stringent NHS criteria. 

For most of us, we are looking at the sale of the family property and relying on our parents' assets to be sufficient to give them the best quality care possible.

Once these assets have been used up, it is likely to be us who bear the financial burden, although some assistance may be available from your local authority.

You can see that if one of your parents needs to go into a care home but the other is well enough to stay put, there is a clear dilemma about whether or not the family home has to be sold.

Does the healthier parent come to live with you with all the extra costs that this would entail – extra heating, lighting and food costs, not to mention the cost involved in adapting parts of the home to make them safer for your mum or dad?

Balancing your monthly outgoings may be much more of a challenge and cut backs will probably have to be made. 

Should you need financial assistance to help your carry out these home improvements and adaptations, you can consider borrowing up to £7,500 with a guarantor loan from a credit company such as UK Credit loans.

A guarantor loan is a type of unsecured personal loan where you get a friend, colleague or family member to back up your application.  They must be someone who is willing to step in to pay your monthly repayments if you can’t pay.  You may find this additional safety net reassuring with so many demands on your purse from so many different directions!

We never know what is around the corner and I think it is sensible to have a conversation with your parents as early as you can about their wishes and the financial implications of requiring residential care.

Having looked into the funding of care home fees, I am aware that this is something I will need to research in much greater detail so that we can make some sensible financial decisions as a family. 

The information I have given here is the tip of the iceberg and, as we know from the 2016 Budget, schemes such as this are prone to be frequently changed and thesholds altered. 

This is a far better approach than having to deal with sudden illness or even a bereavement whilst trying to decide whether your parents’ home has to be sold or worrying where the extra money is going to come from. 

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Caring For Elderly Parents When They Still Live At Home

Watching the people that brought you into the world age isn’t nice. It is even worse when you have to care for them, but they want to stay at home. Everyone has the right to their opinion, and most of the elderly are of the opinion that they want to keep their independence. That is their right, but it makes your life much harder. The only thing you can do is respect their decision and try and care for them as effectively as possible.

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Doing that while you live in a separate house is never easy. In fact, it is a difficult process full of stress and jangled nerves. But, it is possible to achieve if you have the know-how. And, it is worth the effort. After all, they dedicated their lives for you – now it is your turn.

Modify Their House

One thing you should insist on is that the house needs modifying to their needs. If they want to stay at home, they need to compromise, and this is the first compromise. Again, the elderly don’t like making these changes because it is like admitting they are getting old. But, they are essential to their health. A stair lift or an adapted bathroom will improve their quality of life and reduce the risk of injury. When you visit sites like https://www.terrylifts.co.uk, you can see how easy it is to make it happen. There is a range of lifts and platforms for adapted homes, most of which are affordable too.

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Regular Visits 

Even with all of the newest mod cons, they are still likely to have a trip or a fall. That isn’t meant to alarm you, but you should be aware that there is still a risk. If they do have an accident, they will need physical help. If you visit them on a regular basis, you will be there for them when they need you the most. Plus, you can take the strain off their shoulders and make their everyday life easier. For example, you can bring them their groceries so that they don’t have to leave the house. Little things like that reduce the need for them to take risks which lead to injury.

Split Duties 

Still, you can’t do everything on your own because you are only one person. And, you have a family and a life to live too. If you have siblings, you need to make sure that they pull their weight when it comes to caring for your parents. They have a responsibility just like you, and they need to fulfil their duties. It is amazing having brothers and sisters that do their bit because you can balance your life with your parents. Some families even create plans so that they have every day covered. For example, you can see them on Mondays and Wednesdays, and your siblings split the rest of the week.

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Hire A Carer

Sometimes, caring for your parents is too much even with the help of the whole family. After all, you family doesn’t slow down just because your mum and dad are getting old. That is when you need to consider hiring a carer. A care assistant will visit your parent’s home when you don’t have the time. And, they are trustworthy people because they are industry professionals. This link will provide you more information www.agingcare.com. A good caregiver will make everyone’s life much easier. If you are worried about the money, you can get a grant or a government loan to subsidise the cost.

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Move In With Them 

When the situation gets that bad, you need to consider moving home. They won’t move because they want their independence. But, they might let you move in with them for a while. Most parents see it as their kids coming back home, not as you helping them out. Plus, no parent will stop their children from coming home because it is part of their DNA. It is a viable option as long as the house is big enough because you need enough space for everyone. The kids might not like it, and your partner might feel the same, but they will understand. You can do it for a year and rent out your home to see how it works. If it doesn’t, you can move home and think of a new plan. If it does, you should consider making it permanent.

Create An Emergency Plan 

You can’t be there for them all of the time, and that is when they tend to have an accident. When that happens, you need a plan of action. Everyone needs to know their job and what they should do if possible. For example, you should tell your parents they need to ring an ambulance and then ring you straight away. Or, tell them to press the emergency button (see modify home) to alert the emergency services. A plan is vital because it can be the difference between life and death.

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Suggest They Consider Moving 

They will only get worse as they get older. That is also true if they have a bad incident and need to visit the hospital. When that happens, you have no other choice but to make them see sense. No one wants to force their parents into a decision, but you do need to have a stern word. They need to know that caring for them while they are at home alone isn’t feasible anymore. They need to understand that they need permanent help, whether they like it or hate it. Only then can you start to give them the care they deserve. No one is saying that they have to move into a care home because they can move into your home. Then, you don’t have to disrupt your family’s life. A care home might be the option, but that is the final straw. Sometimes, assisted living quarters are available and they mix the independence and around the clock care.

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Caring for elderly parents is never easy. But, you have to do what is best for their health.

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Your Top Considerations When Choosing A Care Home For A Relative

Moving your relative into a care home is never an easy decision to make. But sometimes it has to be done. Here are the considerations that should be in the forefront of your mind if you are going through this process.

Staff 

The staff members that work in a care home are the people who your relative will come into contact with each day. You will get a chance to meet them and see them in action when you visit a care home, and this will probably influence your decision massively. No one wants to move their relative into a place that is staffed by people who are unhelpful or cruel. You should do research and read reports that often judge staffing performances on them. You want to make sure that you are not going to have any problems with the staff and their behaviour later on down the line.

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Facilities

The facilities that are offered in the home are also very important. This is what most people focus on when they are looking for a place to move their relative into. It needs to have the right care and medical facilities that meet your relative’s specific health needs and requirements. And you should also ask to see the private living quarters where your relative will be living. It’s not all about what’s on the inside though. Care home providers like http://hc-care-homes.co.uk/ also focus on the outdoors. Elderly people like to be able to get out and spend time outside of the care home. So, it’s good to move them into somewhere with large green spaces.

Costs 

Unfortunately, very few of us are able to simply move our relatives into the very best care homes. And that’s because the very best care homes come with a pretty large price tag attached to them. The costs are never cheap, and it’s up to you to weigh up the pros that the care home offers with the costs. Of course, there are many cheaper options out there that still offer a high-quality service. It’s not always the case that the most expensive places have the happiest residents. You should make a shortlist of places and then compare the prices of them all. You probably won’t be able to afford them all, so compromising will be necessary.

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Your Relative’s Preference

Obviously, all cases are different. But if your relative is in need of specialist care but is still able to take part in the decision-making process, they should have a say. It’s them that will be affected by the decision that is made, so it’s only fair that they have a say in the place where they will end up. They should be with you every step of the way when you are weighing up all the options. They should meet staff members, view the facilities and do everything else that I mentioned above. Before you even start to view the options, you should talk to them about what they want to get out of a care home. Then you can take it from there. Sites like http://www.payingforcare.org/care-home-fees offer more information on care home costs.

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Six Futures We Really Need To Plan More For

We spend a lot of our time wondering about the future. Many of us worry about the future, but not specifically.

We go through life with a set of small anxieties in the back of our mind that never really go away. Not unless we take action to take care of it.

For ourselves, our family and children, we need to think more about our future.

Here are six things we should be taking action over.

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Our finances 

We might try to be frugal and save money where we can. Especially if we want to put towards our savings. But our spending always has a way of creeping up on us. Particularly when the children are involved.

If you’ve been burned by overspending one time too many, it might be time to do it properly.

Prepare a budget as http://smallnotebook.org/2008/09/30/your-family-budget-step-by-step/ shows and stick to it. This budget should allow space for the nice things, but focus on the necessities.

Our parents 

When you grow more as an adult, if your parents are still with you they become a sense of worry. Or at least some apprehension about the future.

It’s a possibility that we should accept that in future they may need care. Care we might not be able to provide. Be prepared to talk to your aging parents about their retirement living and care.

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Our health 

A lot of us have followed the advice we’ve received about life to the fullest and seizing the moment in our youth. Whilst we wouldn’t take that back for anything, now’s the time we should focus more on our health.

As www.claybrooke.org.uk/high-blood-pressure-and-cholesterol-life-insurance shows, certain health risks can affect our life insurance. Our health no longer influences just us but how we can take care of others in our lives as well.

Our legacy

Speaking of the others in our lives, we spend a lot of time worrying about what we leave behind us for them. Not just in terms of the lessons we impart, but our legacy in value, too.

If we have valuable assets, we want to make sure they pass to the people we care about. The Money Advice Service can help you ensure everything’s prepared for them.

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Our children’s competence

Raising children is by no means easy. It takes hard work and a very keen eye to just feed, clothe and protect them. But we should also be preparing our children for life.

Competence and self-confidence are part of a self-feeding loop. Yet many parents only focus on one part of the equation. Make sure you take the time to guide your child with helpful skills.

Our guiding hand 

Making sure our child is able and confident isn’t the only thing we do for them, of course.

In a lot of ways, we act as their guiding hand.

One of the parts of our legacy we would like to leave behind is children who will do good in the world. But we don’t have to wait until they’re grown up.

Get them involved in helping people through things like volunteering early. That way we won’t have to worry quite so much about the future.

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How To Talk To Ageing Parents About Retirement Living & Care

Talking to your parents about how they wish to live and be cared for during their retirement is vital.

You understandably want to respect their wishes and make the later years in their lives as comfortable as possible. But that doesn’t mean that this is an easy conversation to have.

Some parents may not like the role reversal and some children may find it upsetting to talk about.

While it may be difficult, it’s essential that you take the time to do it now rather than later. To give you some much-needed advice, use the suggestions in this guide to help you.

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Be patient and understanding 

The best way of starting a conversation as important as this is by being honest.

Let your parents know that you are concerned about their health and well-being and want to help them get organised.

You may find they have made some initial plans or know how they want to be cared for or where they want to live. But you may also find that they are not currently willing to discuss it.

Be patient and don’t be too forceful. Remember that this is a sensitive issue for them too.

But now that you have set the ball rolling, it may make them realise they need to make necessary preparations. So don’t give up, but be gentle and understanding in your approach.

Know where their important documents are kept

Another way of starting the conversation is by asking where their documentation is kept. This should include wills, insurance details and their doctor’s contact number.

Explain that it’s important for you to know where they are kept, just in case they are in an accident or become ill.

This can give you the perfect opportunity to determine what has been arranged and what hasn’t.

For instance, you may find that your parent’s wills are no longer relevant and need to be updated. You can then suggest helping them get everything up to date and prepared.

This should then naturally start the discussion of how they want to spend their later years.

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Talk through their options 

Some elderly parents may not want to talk about retirement living and care because they don’t know what options are available to them. So visit informative sites like Churchill Retirement and show them the facilities and homes that are available. 

Or you could call care providers who could visit them at home each day or organise a consultation face to face. 

Gather plenty of information and talk through all of the options with them. They will appreciate the trouble you have gone to and the research will help them make a more informed decision. 

Ask them what they would like and listen carefully to their answers. Even if it’s not the answer you want to here, again remember to be patient. 

Whether it’s health issues, financial concerns or living needs, it’s always better to talk while your parents are still able. 

That way you can help them make the necessary arrangements that will make their lives easier and more enjoyable as they get older.

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Ways To Show Your Parents How Much You Love Them

Busy lives and older parents are not always a match made in heaven.

We all love our mums and dads but finding the time to share in their lives and support and help can be a challenge. However, our parents deserve to retire and grow old happily and peacefully.

With this in mind, here are some ways you can help with this, and show them how much you care.

Phone them for a chat

Finding time to sit and listen, even a regular phone call can brighten a day. It doesn't have to be for long, just so they can hear your voice and share their day to day routine.

Do their shopping 

Getting out and about can be a chore as you get older. Why not ask for a shopping list and do this alongside your weekly shop? Even better find time to take them out on a trip to the shops. You are going anyway so share your time!

Hire live in care 

There will come a time when your parents made be ready for live in care. Live in care is a fantastic way of offering help to your parents in their older years. Be prepared. Do your homework. Word of mouth is invaluable. Visit different places both with your parents and on your own. Compile a list of questions. Talk to the charities such as Age UK. They will have a wealth of information and plenty of support for both you and your parents.

Take them for a treat 

We all love to be pampered, why not organise for a regular chiropodist to visit them at home. Even a reflexology session can have huge benefits. A mobile hairdresser could be also be organised, and they could do fortnightly or monthly visits. What better way to give your mum a treat and a boost to her confidence and wellbeing? Dad too!

Find them new friends

Help in the hunt for new people to spend quality time with. This might be finding local community services or centres so they can meet friends. Together they can enjoy a meal or play some Bingo. Once they’ve met, you could arrange for them to enjoy a classy afternoon tea together!

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Take them to meet distant friends or family

Our mobility decreases as we get old. Just as getting out for shopping can be hard work, so can be visiting people. Make it so your parents can still see their loved ones by taking them yourself. Make a weekend of it and stay the night. This will help break up the journey. Your parents are sure to really appreciate the effort you’ve put in. They’ll make some special memories too.

Give them your kids for the afternoon 

Your parents looked after little kids once with you! Chances are, they’ll want to try it again. Hand over your kids for the afternoon and let them play. Even better, organise a big family holiday! You’ll get to spend some time with both your kids and your parents. Win win!

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On Waiting For An Ambulance

Yesterday.  Early morning and Dad is on the phone.

I think your Mum has had a stroke he says.

I throw on my clothes and race round to their house, a few lucky minutes away.

It is 9:30 am. An ambulance has been called for.

My lovely mum, Kay

Mum suffers from a condition called Temporal Lobe Epilepsy and, occasionally she has a major fit which ends up with her being hospitalised so that she can get the right medication.

This time she looks much worse than usual.  She is lying in bed, eyes wide open, just staring at the ceiling.

I caress her hair and say "Hi Mum" but she doesn't respond.

"Dad," I say, "If this is a stroke, perhaps you should give them a call again?"

When our parents are elderly and we are not spring chickens ourselves, it is especially difficult to remain tactful whilst ensuring that the best outcome is reached for everyone.

Every word is monitored.  Each expression goes through a kind of internal quality control whilst we ourselves are fighting to quell our own panic.

The minutiae of life seem suddenly massive.  That cup of tea, clearing away the breakfast things, packing the bag for hospital.

Nothing can be found.  Nothing is in its right place.  Dad can't remember where he's put his glasses, his watch, the phone.

And despite this rushing around to find stuff, time seems to slow right down.

The waiting.  The interminable waiting.

We circle around each other, checking Mum every few minutes or so.  Her eyes won't close.  Her breathing is laboured.

We phone again and are given a set of questions and tasks to complete to check Mum's responses. She does not seem to be able to see but she can clearly hear and grip our hands.

At the end of the call we are asked to listen to a recorded set of instructions which seems to be never-ending.  Don't move the patient if they have fallen.  Watch the patient to make sure their condition does not deteriorate.  And on and on.

I don't want to listen to the recording.  I want Mum to be with someone who can actually DO something to help her.

There is nothing we can do to make her more comfortable.

I make more tea.

The ambulance service says an ambulance is 'on the way' but no they cannot give us a time frame - despite the fact that I thought they still have set response time targets to meet.  It is, they tell us, a very busy morning for the ambulance service in the Cardiff area.

Dad takes his tablets.  I phone the Husband to update him.

The front door is open so that the crew can come straight in.

I ponder that I wish I had some sort of medical training.  You feel so useless, don't you?

And I watch Dad, who has been married to Mum for 53 years fighting his fear of a separation which will be truly crushing.

Then there's the 'debate' about telling my sister.

Dad is torn about whether to tell her and worry her.  Worried that she will get in her car and race down from the North too fast.

I tell him that he must tell her or she would never forgive him.

"I'll tell her when we're in hospital" he says.

The thing about being a long-term carer as Dad is, is that it is such hard work only total control of each and every detail of daily life makes it bearable.

Carers must walk the knife edge of copable-with and all-out-emergency and pray that today everything will be OK and that the next brush with trouble is weeks away.

Mum has had her condition since 1984 and Dad has spent the last 32 years learning about her condition, coping with it and caring for her.

There is no let up.  It's a 24/7 job.  There are no obvious triggers, apart from stressful situations but, in a world which reduces daily to enable them both to cope, the smallest things can be deemed a stressful situation - going out to lunch,  family problems, even a tiny disagreement.

After two and a half hours the ambulance turns up.  Mum is taken to hospital.  Dad goes with her.

She is in safe hands.

We cannot be cross at the ambulance crew who are doing the best they can.

We do wonder about the pressure the NHS in Wales is under.

Mum spent the next 7 hours in a bed in A&E.  They had no pillows.  A pillow in A&E is "like gold-dust" Dad was told.

She is later moved to an Assessment Unit which is pleasant and clean.  The staff are kind and smiling.

I go back home to see the Husband and the kids, who I hug a little bit tighter.

They want to know what has happened to Nain and whether Taid is OK.

"I don't understand it", Ieuan says, "Nain was fine when we were there on Monday".

And that's the thing for those of us caring for elderly parents.  All our lives can change out of the blue.

That's why I like to make the most of Christmas and any special family occasion.

Mum is now safely back at home, having been discharged just over 24 hours later.

We are thanking our lucky stars and so relieved to have her home.

But, with that long wait for the ambulance, it's just as well that it wasn't a stroke because the outcome could well have been one I really don't want to think about.

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