One Of The Worst Things About Depression For A Parent

Acres of words have been written about depression and what I am about to write will be no earth shattering insight into this dreadful disease for those of you who already suffer its blight.

But I am prompted to write this post following the recent news of the death of writer and columnist Sally Brampton who took her own life this week after many years spent fighting her depression.

I find myself greatly saddened and unsettled by the news.

Sally's book "Shoot The Damn Dog" received much praise for the candour and accuracy of the description of her battle with the disease.

She wrote, with great poignancy, "‘Killing oneself is, anyway, a misnomer. We don’t kill ourselves. We are simply defeated by the long, hard struggle to stay alive.’

I have a mild form of depression which, at its worst, sucks the joy out of existence and turns everything grey.

For those of us suffering this burden, nothing gives any pleasure.  It doesn't matter how much we have or how many gratitude lists we write but at some essential level we just cannot 'connect'.

Trapped in our own heads, we can only watch with a sort of helplessness as life carries on around, and inspite of, us.

Proof, as though we needed it, that in our heads we don't matter.

We feel like puppets whose strings have been cut, only able to twitch but not quite move.

The worst thing, for a parent suffering from depression, is that we cannot receive love.  And we cannot seem to find the impetus to show it either - even when we know that those around us are crying out for acknowledgement, a smile, a glimpse into our soul to say "it will be alright".

Somehow we need to explain to our children that our emotional deadlock does not mean we don't love them.

This is one of our greatest challenges.

Today I imagine that any of us suffering from this curse and having read this news will be feeling a little more down.  If Sally couldn't make it after fighting so hard, can we find the strength to carry on?

We know we must.

But we also know that getting to the point where we want to, the lights go back on and the carousel starts to whirl again to the sound of music, well, that may be a very long journey.

If you are living with a sufferer then please keep an extra special eye on them today.

If help is needed you can call the Samaritans on 116123, visit a local Samaritans branch or go to www.samaritans.org.

You can find a list of alternative helplines here.

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20 Easy Ways To Recharge Your Batteries

We all have days when things don't entirely go to plan or we wake and find we just feel 'blah'.

Those of us who bear the strain of a chronic or auto-immune illness may start each day from a position of compromised energy and it may be a struggle to even get to 'blah'.

Take some time out to recharge your batteries

At times like this, having a strong support network of friends and family is invaluable and the phone can be our greatest ally. Even the often maligned Facebook can offer a lifeline of community, friendship and seasoned advice.

It is also important to treat ourselves with kindness and to know when we need a break.  It is not a crime to take our needs seriously.  As the saying goes, you need to apply the oxygen mask to yourself first before you can save anyone else - and this is particularly true for parents.

I'm sure you will have your own list but here are 20 easy suggestions to press the pause button in your life and to take some time out to reconnect with what's important to you and your feelings - and to make sure you are treating both your mind and body with care.

1.  Say no.  Remind people that 'no' doesn't necessarily mean 'never', but at the moment it means 'not now'.

2.  Call a friend or relative you can trust.

3.  Lose yourself in your favourite TV box set (mine is the Poirot series).

4.  Read a really gripping book.  Here's a review of the last one I read.

5.  Learn a new skill - both dancing, table tennis and learning a new language have recently been shown to keep our brains young and stave off dementia.

6.  Take a long, hot bath.  You could try an Epsom Salt bath which is great for renewing our Magnesium levels.  A magnesium deficiency can be the cause of tiredness.

7.  Turn your gadgets off for a while.  The world will not implode.  Even if you turn email and Facebook notifications off you may feel less frazzled.

8. Try some adult colouring or dot-to-dot.  There are loads of books available.  In fact so many of us are colouring, we are facing a global shortage of coloured pencils!

9.  Create a vision board on Pinterest.  If you haven't got into Pinterest yet, you may be surprised at how easy it is to use and how addictive.  You basically create online pinboards containing your favourite images and you swop and share images by following others just as you do on Facebook and Instagram.

A vision board is a visual wishlist of all the things you'd like to have or experience and, so the theory goes, by regularly viewing your vision board, you are more likely to bring the things you want directly into your experience.

10.  Ditch the black - it's so easy to dress in black because we think it's slimming or it helps us blend into the background but we know that colour lifts both our mood and that of the people looking at us.

Why not add a dash of a bold colour into your wardrobe - a hot pink, yellow or orange.  Black can be pretty ageing, especially around the face whilst a splash of colour can throw a flattering light on our complexions.  This, by the way, is why ladies used to wear pearls - to light up their skin.

11. Do some yoga, pilates or some gentle stretches.  You don't have to go to a class to get the benefit as there are loads of good DVDs.  As you get older, you might find 10 minutes of stretching each morning 'unkinks' your body from your night's sleep and prepares you for the day.

12.  Meditate.  Just 10-20 minutes a day has been proven to give long-term benefits to our health. There are many guides to meditation online and I have also heard good things about the Headspace app which offers guided meditation if you just find it too difficult to ignore your thoughts.

13. Take some photographs - just photographing your kids, your pets, your garden, the sky, anything that gives you joy, will lift your spirits. You can share your world via Instagram and, if you use the right hashtags, you may find many others who share your particular interests.  Did you know, for example that there is a hashtag called #catsofinstagram?

14.  Take a nap.  Not exactly rocket science I know but it comes back to taking time out for YOU and not being afraid to assert your needs.  The theory goes that anything between 20-45 minutes is a sensible amount of time.  Any longer and you'll probably wake up feeling groggy.

15.  Eat something.  Seriously.  If you have been fuelling yourself on carbs and sugar all day, try a high protein snack - a handful of Almonds or some cubes of Cheddar Cheese and some apple.  Try some Green Tea for a slightly healthier caffeine drink or just a long glass of water.

16.  Write a gratitude list.  I know, I know, it might sound a bit 'woo-woo' but you'll find that there is truly a lot we can all be grateful for, right now.

17. Do something nice for someone else.  I read this week about a lady who was buying an In Sympathy card for a relative since there had been a bereavement in her family. She was surprised to find a small plastic envelope in the card she selected.  In the envelope was £10 and a note from a stranger saying "I am sorry that you are having to buy this card.  Please take this £10 and do something nice for yourself".  I image that stranger felt as good making that gesture as the lady who received the envelope did.

18. Do some baking.  In her book "Saved By Cake", the writer Marian Keyes describes how baking helped her to deal with her depression.  You may find it helps you - in which case, worry about the calories later and get creative with the butter icing.

19.  Pray. Although many of us no longer adhere to a formal, organised religion, there is a lot to be said about asking for what we want and putting the future in the hands of a higher power - whether that be God or the Universe.  Just ask, let go and then go about your day.  Even better if you can sit in a sacred space, whether that be a church, a garden or a quiet place you've made your own.  Why not light a candle and spend some time thinking about what it is that you really want and need.

20.  Declutter.  There's a wonderful book about domestic cleaning called "Sink Reflections" by "Flylady"  She recommends doing something called the "27 Fling Boogie".  Get a black bag and run around your home selecting 27 things to go in the bin. Or you might prefer the more philosophical approach of Marie Kondo in her book "The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up".  Either way, a good sort out tends to clear the mind and give you something else to focus on.

So there you have it. 20 simple ways to recharge your batteries. What do you do to make yourself feel better?

Let me know in the comments below

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12 Tips To Beat The Back To School Blues For Mums

I have to admit that, despite the chaos, the noise, the ever-empty fridge and the mounds of washing, I felt quite down once I had dropped the kids back to school after their holiday break.

For those of us prone to depression or any form of anxiety, times like these can be a flash-point where we can be suddenly thrown back into unhelpful patterns of thinking or feeling.

This is because, during a family break, there are so many other things to think about and focus on.

Mindfulness And Mediation May Help.

Happiness is very much about directing your focus. That's why Mindful Meditation is so useful because it teaches you to live in the 'now' and to focus on the current moment.

Lots of us get anxious when we start listing all the things we have to do in our heads and then we find the weight of our responsibilities may trigger a stressful reaction.

Some of us don't even realise the reasons why we are suddenly feeling blue.

But if we know we are likely to feel down once we have delivered our little bundles of joy (or bigger bundles!) to the school gate, we can make sure that we take some time to be kind to ourselves during the early days of the new term - and ideally all the time!

When Your Sadness Interferes With Your Daily Life....

Of course if you are feeling extremely down and it is interfering with your daily life - for example you can't sleep or you are having panic attacks, you should make an appointment with your GP to talk through what it worrying you.

Try to do the same with a trusted family member - or a friend if your problems are caused by a family situation.  I have a list of helpline numbers you may find useful HERE.

There is no shame in admitting that you are struggling to cope.  I have had counselling on previous occasions and found it extremely beneficial.  There is something about hearing yourself discussing your problems that can trigger an 'ah-ha' moment.

You may find yourself admitting to feelings you try to hide even from yourself or finally realise what the true nature of a concern may be.

Psychologically, our habits can often be a smokescreen to hide what we are feeling.  There is a hidden pay-off for sticking firmly to habits that we know are not doing us any good.

We might sit on the sofa eating chocolate not because we are lazy but because we find going out and meeting new people extremely stressful.

We may spend too much time buying make-up or clothes not because we just enjoy these activities but because we are trying to shore up our fragile self confidence by endlessly seeking the 'perfect' outfit or the foundation that will give us the 'perfect' complexion.

The danger of course is that if we don't address our less-than-healthy habits, they can sometimes spiral into bigger problems such as addiction.

Talking through your problems is key.

Time To Be Kind To Yourself

For those of us who are just feeling a little down because our babies are back in school (although I know quite a few mums who have got the flags out!),  here are some quick tips to be kind to yourself.

Treat yourself to flowers

Buy yourself a bunch of flowers and display them in your best vase.  Aldi and Lidl have great, inexpensive bouquets

Visit your local library

Leaving aside the importance of keeping our precious libraries alive, you could stock up on some juicy novels to enjoy in the evenings instead of the endless reality TV shows.

If you are prone to anxiety and depression, some of the current Soap storylines aren't exactly cheering either so you might want to give these a miss for a while.

Or add some Classics to your E-reader

Why not download some of the free classic novels for your Kindle or E-reader.  You could try Jane Austen's "Pride & Prejudice" and spend your time dreaming about Mr Darcy.  There are plenty of free and bargain books to be had on the weekly book linky HERE.

Plan some family activities for the weekend

These don't have to cost money - just a trip to the local beach or park with some sandwiches and a flask would be fun.

Plan a special traditional Sunday lunch

So many families no longer seem to sit down to eat together around a table, or even to have a good, old-fashioned Sunday roast.

Why not make Sunday special with a roasted chicken with all the trimmings followed by an apple crumble or custard, or a vegetarian or vegan feast?

Plan activities for the next school holiday

Have you written down all the school holiday dates with bank holidays and Inset Days?  

Book some activities now or if you are planning to go away on holiday, the sooner you book, the better the availability will be.

There are loads of fabulous places to visit in the UK and there are loads of sites which offer deals on hotel accommodation - or why not try a local B&B?

Clean the house from top to bottom

Cleaning can be very therapeutic.  I'm not suggesting you go all Marie Kondo (in her best-selling book "The Life-Changing Magic Of Tidying-Up") but a sort through of some of the piles of post (admit it, you have them too) and a bit of a dust will burn some calories and lift your mood, particularly if you do it to your favourite music.

Sort through the kids' toys

Get rid of all the broken bits and pieces, incomplete jigsaws and toys they no longer play with.

Old toys can go to charity but it's probably best to check with the kids when they get home to avoid a total meltdown.  

You could encourage the kids to make a bit of extra pocket money to put towards a family trip by selling their old toys.   Perhaps you could have a weekend family car boot sale.

Exercise

A half hour walk a day will help clear your head and give you some focus.  If you don't fancy leaving the house, why not treat yourself to an exercise DVD.  You might feel a bit more confident learning your Zumba moves at home before venturing out to a local class.

Review your childcare

If you work, now might be a good time to check that you have the right childcare.  It's important to feel confident that your child-minders and babysitters are the right ones for your children.

If there are any issues festering or you feel that your kids just aren't happy, take some time to do some research and talk to some of the other mums about who they use and who they would recommend.

Find Some Mum Friends

If you are a stay-at-home mum, it can be difficult to find adult company during the day - particularly if all your friends are at work.  There are numerous "meet-a-mum" sites online where you can look for friend in your area.  Or why not see if any of your Facebook friends live close to you and invite them for a coffee?

Talk To Someone About Any Relationship Problems

It's not surprising that, with the kids out of the way, your focus may turn to the other relationships in your life - particularly your partner and your immediate family. Now may be the time to sort out any niggling disagreements or even seek counselling if a long-term problem is dragging your down.

You may find some useful advice in my regular agony column, Relationship Dilemmas, and feel free to message me if you would like my advice on your situation.

Hopefully these tips will help dispel the feeling of gloom that can descend during the first few days of a new term.

There's Light At The End Of The Tunnel!

And remember, usually, it's only another 5 or 6 weeks till the next holiday when we'll all be stressing about how we're going to fill the time!

Take this time to look after yourself and recharge your batteries so you'll be ready for whatever this term - and the next holiday - throw at you.

How do you cope with the back-to-school-blues?

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Have You Got The Welcome Mat Out For Anxiety?

It dawned on me the other day that the reason for my (comparative) inertia when it comes to grabbing the bull by the horns (or indeed any other colloquialism for getting off your backside and acting), is that I have probably been suffering from anxiety for most of my life.

I carry a vague sense of unease around with me most of the time.  I've even given it a name - "The Fear".  It is a shapeless, amorphous blob which lurks behind doors and curtains and casts a shadow on the gloomiest day.

I could write a list of things that could have triggered it.  But, you know, nobody lives to the age of 50 without having had something unpleasant happen to them, a loss, a scare, a disappointment.  That is, to quote one of my mother's more annoying truisms, "all part of life's rich pattern".

I carry "The Fear" around with me most of the time and it makes itself known in strange symptoms like my "glasses thing" (or OCD), my inability to leave fluff on the carpet (whilst being completely able to ignore dusting), my requirement for absolute darkness and silence at night.

Anyone who leaves the empty cardboard tube from the toilet roll on the floor of the toilet feels my wrath.  I cannot bear wet towels on beds, shoes on in the house, toothpaste lids left off.

It's all about control.

And, more specifically, controlling "The Fear".

Lots of us, of course, would medicate it away somehow.  Or read endless self-help tomes ("When I loved myself enough to knit my own yoghurt").  Or seek therapy. (And how does that make you feel? Well, crap, actually).

I'm not entirely convinced acknowledging "The Fear" helps.

We are all battling the human condition and (to quote mum again), we all have our cross to bear.

There's one of those motivational postcards I often see on Facebook which says something like "be kind because everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about".

I suspect that is entirely true.

Which means, some of us have developed more effective strategies for dealing with "The Fear".

Or are we so far in denial we think we can get to Narnia through the wardrobe.  (You can't, I've tried).

Perhaps this is why there are so many videos of cats doing, well, cat things.

I love that quote about cats by the French Renaissance write Michel de Montaigne (1533-1592) who said:

"Quand je me joue à ma chatte, qui sçait si elle passe son temps de moy plus que je ne fay d'elle?

(When I play with my cat, who knows if I am not a pastime to her more than she is to me?)

Cats really don't, to use the vernacular, give a stuff.  They do what they want and bugger the consequences.  In fact, most cats would sniff, scag your tights with their claws and then say"what consequences" whilst yawning.

Montaigne also said "There is no passion so contagious as that of fear" and "The thing I fear most is fear".

And that's the thing about anxiety too.  You get anxious about whether you're anxious.  And then you are.

I often theorise that lots of 'odd' behaviours are simply displacement activities to avoid looking within and admitting that you are anxious.

Lots of us simply hide away.  Or leave parties early.  Or 'forget' to turn up at all.  That old saying about "always finding me in the kitchen at parties" is a neat metaphor for social anxiety.

You'll always spot the anxious at children's parties because they'll be the ones clearing up the remnants of sausage rolls and half eaten pizza armed with black bags and an air of determination not seen since the Blitz.

The anxious will always give themselves away by hating things that everyone else likes - just in case they have to join in. Christmas?  Too commercial.  Ditto Valentines Day.  Any major sporting tournament, big event in the social calendar, spontaneous knees-up.... "I can't be bothered with all that", they'll say.  " All that fuss and unnecessary expense".

Hell would be joining the Parent Teachers Association.  Or being invited up on stage during a live show.  (I'm seeing Derren Brown in April so fingers' crossed he doesn't spot me!).

We anxious ones always stand apart like statues.  We avoid eye contact.  If someone speaks to us, sometimes it's so surprising we actually jump.

At conferences we anxious avoid eye contact.  We take urgent phone calls.  We write notes.

We anxious ones like to end even the most terse email or text with a row of kisses.  "I hate you, you bastard" xxxx

The thought of upsetting someone and having to deal with the consequences is always far scarier than standing up for ourselves, claiming what's ours, demanding to count.

It's a shame there's no secret handshake to announce you are suffering from "The Fear".

Social Media is very fond of urging you to find your "tribe".

My tribe would be named (and this is one of my dad's favourite jokes), the "Elawi".  Ask them where they are and they say "we're the Elawi" (where the hell are we)?  

Since I've had "The Fear" for well over 40 years, I guess I had better get used to it.

And as a parent, the last thing I want to do is pass it on to the kids.

Kids have superheroes to help them synthesize their fear, to give them role models for, to quote Percy in Blackadder "putting ice cubes down the vest of fear".

Perhaps in later life we just need to say "sod it - The Fear is part of me.  It is who I am".  Perhaps acknowledging the intruder will take away a little of the horrid antsy, unsettled feeling. Perhaps after all we just need to put the welcome mat out for anxiety and some days, just some days, it may go and visit someone else for a change.

The late Helen Gurley Brown said that when she was upset she would lie on her sofa with her cat and talk it out, a bit like a court hearing.  I did this, he said that and so forth.  She would do this until she felt better.

I think I want to get another cat.

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Will You Be Blue This Blue Monday?

Monday 16th January is "Blue Monday" - no not a celebration of the now-classic song by New Order, but the day in the year when the combination of post-Christmas debt, dreadful weather and the lapse in our New Year's resolutions combine to make us reach a peak of misery.

There's a big difference between "black dog" and feeling a bit down.

The first bank holiday is weeks away. The approach of Valentines' Day is ramping up the pressure on singletons to find true love, whilst some married couples have thrown in the towel and are headed for the divorce courts.

The seasonal fun and frolics of Christmas seem a very distant memory indeed.

The concept of "Blue Monday" was apparently coined by a travel company some years ago to push us into booking our summer holidays.  Marketing has a lot to answer for doesn't it!  Even Santa's distinctive red robes were invented by Coca Cola.

Still, there is certainly some truth in the idea that having something like a holiday to look forward to is a great psychological tonic.

But, let's be honest shall we?

There's a huge difference between feeling a bit down and 'under the weather' and truly suffering from depression.

Most of us, if we stop and think about it, can very quickly come up with a list of blessings, things to be grateful for, things that help us to celebrate living.

We can even, usually, come up with a list of solutions to those problems.

Spent too much?  Talk to your bank manager about your overdraft. Consider consolidating your credit.  Cut back on unnecessary expenditure.

Feeling bloated and unfit? You know what to do, don't you?  Take more exercise, eat better. The old hoary chestnuts of advice stand the test of time, don't they?

Some of us suffer badly from Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). The lack of sunlight sends us spiraling into a winter depression.

The symptoms often begin in the autumn as the days start getting shorter and are typically most severe during December, January and February.

Symptoms may include a persistent low mood, irritability and feeling lethargic and sleepy during the day.  Sufferers may find themselves sleeping for longer than normal and finding it hard to get up in the morning.  They may also crave carbohydrates and gain weight

But there are things you can do about this, for example light therapy.  You can buy special light boxes which replicate the effect of sunlight on the body.  You can find more information about Seasonal Affective Disorder and light therapy on the SAD website.

The cure may obviously not be as simple or as instant as buying a light box. I am merely saying that, sometimes, if we take matters into our own hands, we feel better.  Having some control over our problems makes us feel more empowered.

Most of us can find a way to lift ourselves out of the 'Blue Monday Slump'.  A little time out for reflection may help.  Why not try mindful meditation?  Calming your inner voice may help you recognise what is making you feel so discontented.  It will certainly reduce your stress and improve your focus.

A long, hot, calming bath may also help perhaps with a herbal bath oil or a natural treatment such as Bach's Rescue Remedy.

An early night will help.  We are all guilty of TV channel surfing when we know we should be going to bed - or, my particular downfall, playing the 'odd' game of Candy Crush.  One hour's sleep before midnight is said to be worth two hours of sleep after midnight.  Lack of sleep has been proven to have very real consequences to our health and mental wellbeing.

Make sure too, that your bed is as comfortable as possible so that you get a good night's sleep.  If your mattress is over 8 years old, the advice is to change it, but this can be done quickly and at a reasonable cost by searching for mattresses online.

It is important to recognise though, that if you feel things are really getting on top of you, or that you just cannot cope no matter what simple adjustments you make to your lifestyle, then you should talk to your GP.

There are also many organisations you can talk to, day or night, who can help you.  You can find a list of some of them here.

So, if this Blue Monday you feel your outlook is less than sunny, take the opportunity to be a little bit kinder to yourself.

And a bit kinder to others.

We never know exactly what others are feeling.  But by offering a few kind words, everyone's day suddenly becomes a whole lot brighter.

And spring will be here before we know it.

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