20 Tips To Help You Keep Your Cool With Your Boss

There comes a time in our working lives when we feel as if we have been pushed too far.  

Whether it's just one badly conceived project too many with a deadline only God could meet, or a task delegated by someone whose management style close mirrors that of Animal from the Muppets, the urge to lose it rears its ugly head. 

Is your boss driving you to distraction?

Let me share some of the things I learned during my 20+ years working in a corporate enviroment, culminating in my role as Practice Director and Head of Marketing for a large law firm.

You might have heard of "The Peter Principle" which says, simply, that "managers rise to the level of their incompetence" and lord knows, I've seen this borne out a fair few times.  

But when you're pushed to the edge,  in today's economically uncertain times and with hoards of younger, possibly better qualified, and more ambitious workers nipping at your heels, you need to think smart and act smarter.

Here's my 20 point primer.  Go get a cup of coffee.  Take 5 minutes.  Breathe and read.

1.  Calm down

You can't afford to make any rash decisions or take any actions which will result in a summons by HR for performance related issues.  

That way unemployment lies. 

You have bills to pay and a career you've probably trained hard for and spent years working towards. 

2.  Don't cry

I know some people actually cry when they're angry, rather than just upset, but particularly in a corporate environment, you'll look like you can't handle it.  

If you must let it all out, hide in the toilets till you feel you can face everyone again.

3. Consider what is actually being asked of you

If you have a rocky relationship with your boss, it's easy to assume instructions come with a hidden agenda.  

This isn't always the case.  

Sometimes your boss gets dumped on too.  

What are you actually being asked to do?  

Is it a reasonable request?

4. Don't take on a task you don't understand

If you don't know what you're being asked to do, ask for clarification up front. 

If it's a task you are supposed to understand, you need to ask yourself why you're struggling with it. 

Can a colleague help you out?  

5. Clarify the deadline

When does the task need to be completed.  

Is it reasonable?  

Asking for a report by the end of the day may be perfectly reasonable if it's comprised of data you were supposed to be keeping tabs on.  

6. Is it your fault?

Have you let things slide, for one reason or another?  

If things have been getting on top of you, rather than going off like a fire cracker, it's time for some honest self-reflection.  

If your heart isn't in your job, you may be better off thinking about making a move.  

See my post on hating your job.

7.  Do you need training?

Now is probably not the best time to ask for it, but if you feel you need training (for example in spreadsheets or Powerpoint), make a mental note to discuss this with your boss.  

A note of caution though, I'd advise against asking for training for aspects of your job you were expected to know when you were employed, unless you can get away with asking for a 'refresher course'.  

8.  Can you delegate it?

Remember that when you delegate, you are delegating the responsibility but not the authority aka the buck still stops with you.  

I'm sure you know in your heart which elements of a project are yours and yours alone, and which can be delegated.  

9.  Did you delegate it and it's gone horribly wrong?

Following on from 8. if you did not delegate well, for example you didn't give clear instructions and deadlines, then you may have a problem (plus this is a bit of a case of the pot calling the kettle black, don't you think?).  

Did you delegate to the appropriate level of expertise?  

Getting junior staff to do the bits you don't like is just asking for trouble.  

If they get it wrong, you're still in trouble and they're unhappy.  If they do a sterling job, you can bet your boss will know it wasn't you who did it.  

10.  Document it, document it, document it!

For heavens' sake, make notes, save emails, back up files on your PC, take screenshots. 

11. Remember to C.Y.A. (Cover Your A**)

If you delegate something verbally, follow it up with a confirmation email. 

Queries to your boss can also be recorded the same way.  

Just make sure that the emails are appropriate to the project concerned and written as professionally as possible.

12.  Communicate without emotion, in professional language

There's a world of difference between "so you want me to prepare a report on XYZ about DrearyCorp for you to discuss at the board meeting on Thursday" and "so even though I'm completely snowed under, you want me to drop everything, stay late and scrabble together some data". 

Repeat after me. "Attitude is a Luxury".

13.  Manage your time

Break the project down into manageable chunks.  

Estimate how long each piece will take.  

Assess which tasks can be delegated.  

Call a brief team meeting if you need to so that everyone is clear about what is required.  

Check in with team members so you know whether you are on course to meet your deadline. 

Having a quick look at Facebook and three cups of coffee while you "get your head round it" will not help, trust me.

14.  Offer solutions

I'm sure you've heard the hoary old management chestnut "I don't want you to bring me problems, I want you to bring me solutions".  

Well, sorry but it's true. 

Rather than just carry out the project like an automaton, get involved.  

How would you deal with the issue?  

What would your approach be? 

The solutions you offer may make your boss look good, make you look good and make you a more attractive candidate for promotion.

15. Use positive body language

Parents will be familiar with the phrase "take that face off" or "don't look at me like that when I'm talking to you".  

Yes, I'm afraid even as adults we are prone to what body language experts refer to as "leakage". 

Looking like a bulldog chewing a wasp when someone is trying to delegate to you is not a good thing! 

Also be aware that crossing your arms looks defensive and worse, stretching back and supporting your head with your arms is tantamount to saying "I am listening, but basically I think you're an idiot".

16. Build bridges

If you have a rocky relationship with your boss, this could be an opportunity to build bridges and get to know them a bit.  

Could you try to suspend your frustration for a short while and see things from their point of view?

17. Socialise

If the boss invites you out for a drink after work, are you the one that always has to rush home? (I'm not including parents in this obviously).  

I was a bit like that when I was younger, prioritising the needs of my obese and usually completely inert cat over the social discomfort of making small talk with management. 

Looking back,  

I probably missed the chance to get to know my bosses which would only have improved our working relationship.

18.  Everybody's Human

And everybody wants to be liked.  

Sometimes, your boss will have problems you know nothing about.  It doesn't hurt to cut them a little slack sometimes.

BUT 

19.  Ask, are you being bullied?

If you feel that you are being unfairly dumped on, or set up to fail, or that your treatment is a form of bullying, then you must take action.  

Keep a diary to record the events of bullying. 

Keep pertinent emails.  

Make sure you ask yourself, however, if you are contributing to the behaviour.  Sometimes, for whatever reason, personalities do clash but are you being unnecessarily unhelpful or combative?

20.  Take it to HR

Human Resources has a difficult role to play, keeping both management and staff happy.  

That said, if you feel your treatment is unjust, you must talk to HR. 

You will probably find that if you are having problems with a particular boss, others will be too.

Keeping silent helps nobody. 

Your complaint may actually help HR to deal with an unpleasant boss, particularly if you can provide solid evidence.

So, keep calm and carry on, as they say, but with a strategy.  

A bit of honest and open reflection may save hours of future misery, for you and your colleagues.

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Advice for a Busy Mum - Make Some Time to Focus on You

Being a mum means that you’re often putting everyone else’s needs ahead of your own. While that’s the deal most of us sign up for when we decide to start a family, there are times when it feels that you’ve gone a little too far down the selfless route and you realise that you actually do very few things just for you.

While no self-respecting mum is going to abandon her family to look after itself, that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with taking some “me time” every now and then. Here are some suggestions on how you can do just that.

Discover More About Yourself

Running a home, going out to work and raising a family doesn’t leave much time for musing on the bigger picture; your life vision. Sometimes, it’s good to remind yourself of what goals you have. To get you focused in on those, try having an online tarot reading. Even if think you already know what you want in life, a tarot reading can be an interesting and enlightening experience. The insights that the reader provides you with might lead you to re-evaluate which of your various life plans mean the most to you.

Credit:  Pixabay

You can ask a tarot reader anything during the reading. If you have a particular issue you want to address, such as a potential house move or change in your career, start there. Otherwise, you can just see where the reading takes you.

Start an Evening Class

Making a regular commitment to an evening class may feel hard to fit into a busy schedule but will give you a much-needed break from your usual routine. Lots of community colleges and schools open their doors in the evening and the classes available cover a huge range of subjects.

Image credit: Potter's Hands by Walt Stoneburner

Whether it’s learning a language, or refreshing one you’ve forgotten, doing something creative such as pottery or crochet classes, or art appreciation classes, it doesn’t matter. The point is that you get to be absorbed in something completely different for an hour or two a week. It can also be a great way of widening your social circle.

Set Yourself a Fitness Goal

Many of us would like to be fitter, but in order to stay motivated, it’s a good idea to set a target to reach. For instance, if you usually do about 20 lengths when you have a swim, work on building that up to 40 lengths. Commit to going a certain number of times per week and give yourself a realistic timeframe to achieve the increase in distance.

Or, if you decide to take up running, have a running goal to aim for. For example, you could train to take part in a 5-mile fundraiser run. Running is great as you can do it anywhere, without the need to stick to exercise class times or pool schedules. However, joining a running club or teaming up with a friend will help keep you motivated on those days that you don’t have the willpower to go on your own.

Whatever you choose to do to make time for yourself, it’s going to be beneficial. It does us all good to have a break from the norm. It also means that when you come back to your other roles in life - mum, wife, friend, colleague - you’ll be refreshed and reinvigorated for whatever challenges your day holds.  

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When Should You Keep Your Child Off School?

Every parent dreads those 4 little words - "I don't feel well" or the telephone call from the school requesting that your little one be picked up due to illness. We know that we are not supposed to take them back, at least in the case of sickness, for 48 hours.

We also know that many parents don't stick to that rule, much to the annoyance of teaching staff and those parents who fear their kids may now go down with the latest bug.

It's easy to be judgmental but, if parents work, it may come down to a straight choice between the health of their child and keeping their job.

Part time jobs, in particular, are difficult to come by and I know from my experience in the Legal Sector that part time positions are often created simply to be seen as adhering to "good" HR practice and in order to create roles for female employees returning from maternity leave!

The job may be part time, but the workload certainly isn't.  5 days work is cantilevered into 3 and woe betide you if you have to leave early to pick up a poorly child. You'll be equally unpopular with your bosses and the employees who have to pick up the slack in your absence.  

If there is a tender document to submit or a presentation to give, you'd have to be very brave indeed to miss it. Come appraisal and pay-review time, the discussion will be about whether you are a 'team player'.  Law firms are very fond of 'team players', despite having a hierarchy which is anything but flat.

This is without taking into account the cost and scarcity of good childcare.  Our local childminders all seem to be oversubscribed and are followed into the playground by ever increasing numbers of children.

Breakfast clubs and after school clubs are thriving.  In fact, so popular are they in Caitlin and Ieuan's school that the playground is often comparatively deserted in the mornings, with the children outside looking enviously at the children safe and warm within.

So when should you keep your child off school?

Be aware that the Government is quite clear that children should only miss school if they are too ill to attend or they have advance permission from the school - otherwise a fine may be payable.

If your kids are showing clear symptoms then it's a no-brainer but what do you do if they are a bit 'under the weather'?

These are the illnesses the NHS say merit keeping your child at home depending on their severity:-

Cough and Cold * Raised Temperature * Rash
Headache * Vomiting & Diarrhoea * Sore throat * Chickenpox

But what do you do when they have had a rotten night's sleep?  Ieuan, for example went through a phase where he suffered from growing pains and often woke up in the early hours clutching his legs. But he was not ill.

Poorly Ieuan

As adults when we get colds we know we just have to carry on and dose ourselves up with Lemsip. We don't have the luxury of a duvet day.  Despite the fact that we are likely to infect our colleagues and our performance will be under par, many of us trudge unwillingly into work to hack and cough through the day.

If we let our children stay home for every cough and sniffle, what will happen when they really have to turn up and perform?

But when your kids awake bleary eyed, tired and weepy, complaining of head, ear or tummy aches, it takes a very hard mother not to want to scoop them up and put them back in bed.

Some of my fondest memories when ill are of being tucked up in bed by my mum, being fed tea and hot buttered toast, and listening to the radio.  There is nothing like a bit of parental attention and love to aid a speedy recovery.

As a stay at home mum,  that is a luxury I can offer my kids.  But I think it's a shame that, as a society, we have got ourselves into a position where poorly kids have to be sent to school so that parents can keep a roof over their head.

I guess all we can do is make sure we practise good nutrition and take care of the family's health in order to stave off as many of these horrid bugs as possible.

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You Can't Afford Fear - GO HAVE YOUR SMEAR

It's fair to say that the husband is fully familiar with many of the University Hospital of Wales gynaecological corridors. (That's not a euphemism by the way). A while ago he was there to hold my hand (or at least read a book on complex computer coding in the same room) whilst I had a colposcopy.

An abnormal smear result meant I had to attend for an examination of my cervix. Now, lest you think this is all too much information - and I have to say I feel slightly squeamish even writing about it, I want to make a very important point - of which more later.

Leaving aside the fear engendered by a typically uninformative NHS letter (dear blah, you may, or may not have something wrong with you and in order to avoid any medical negligence claim whatsoever, we're not about to indicate what your results really were, leaving you to worry just a tinsy winsy bit), the thought that the old bod might be even more defective than even my legendary pessimism accounted for, threw me into a tailspin of gloom.

And of course, I did the worse possible thing - I googled it.

Attending the hospital appointment with designs for a huge Victorian marble mausoleum swirling in my head (if you're going to go, go in style I say) and having extracted a promise from my sister that she would ensure my tomb would be kept pristine white (although she did mutter about being "out of vim"), I sat like a naughty child in front of the headmistress, awaiting my fate.

What I had not been told (and frankly I thought I should have) was that since my abnormal cells were glandular, I would automatically have to have a Lletz treatment where a patch of abnormal cells are removed using an electrified hook and then sent off to a lab for a biopsy. The two nurses couldn't have been nicer although the procedure is not entirely without discomfort, despite the administration of local anaesthetic (the same dentists use apparently).

What was relevant though for women everywhere is that because I had not missed a single smear, my results were there for the colposcopist to see and she could tell that any changes were recent.

If you have an abnormal smear result, it does NOT mean that you have cancer, merely that there are changes to your cervical cells which may become cancerous over time.

If you do not attend for your smear (and I was told that some women have as much as a ten year gap between smears), you could effectively be playing Russian Roulette with your health. Because, the quicker an abnormal result is identified, the quicker any potential dealings with the 'Big C' can be dealt with.

Source: www.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk 

I know that having a smear is not always a pleasant experience but compared to later medical intervention, it's really not so much of an effort, is it?

We are lucky in the UK to have a system which identifies and deals with changes before they become real problems and I have never understood why women baulk at taking advantage of this.

I had to wait a few weeks for the results of my biopsy but the staff told me that the prognosis was good.

I will be honest and say that I did not enjoy the waiting period and found it hard not to give in to rather black thoughts but I was comforted by the fact that the likelihood of there being anything really horrible present was very low.

On the other hand, if I had NOT gone for a smear and these changes had not been picked up, this could have been a far more gloomy post altogether.

PLEASE GO FOR YOUR SMEAR!

Update: It turned out I had a benign cyst on my cervix which was affecting the result of my smear. This was removed via a day surgery procedure under general anaesthetic and I am now fine. 

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Win Electronic Sshh! Don't Wake Dad! Game From Drumond Park

There's nothing like a board game to get the family together on a dreary Sunday afternoon and this one has the added hilarity of snoring sound effects and a sleepy dad who springs to life for the unlucky player.

Drumond Park’s "Sshh! Don't Wake Dad!" is an electronic game for 2-4 players (age 5+) which challenges the players to tiptoe by a snoring dad to snaffle the chocolate cake.  The game requires 2 x AA batteries which are not supplied.

Each player chooses a pair of slippers to creep by with and are given a selection of cards with household items on.

They move around the board by spinning the spinner and moving to the square of the colour it stops at.

You can also leap ahead of other players or take their cards.

If the player has the card shown on their landing spot they are safe.

If they don't have the card they have to hit the alarm button on dad's bed the number of times it says on the square and risk waking him up.

If he wakes you have to start your journey again and if any of the players are on the squares on the bed, they get knocked off and have to start again too.

I played this one with Ieuan (7) who enjoyed it enormously.  It's simple enough to understand easily and has enough of a risk element to add extra fun.

The game is also relatively short (around 10-15 minutes) which is quite long enough for youngsters.

"Sshh! Don't Wake Dad!" retails at around £22.99 from stockists such as Amazon.

For more information and stockists, visit www.drumondpark.com

You can also find out more on Facebook or Twitter.

The Giveaway

I have one copy of Electronic Sshh! Don't Wake Dad! from Drumond Park to give away to one lucky winner.

Entry is via the Rafflecopter widget below and terms and conditions apply (on my competitions page).  UK entrants only and the giveaway ends at 11:59 pm on Tuesday 28th February.

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Good luck!

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Win 4 "Her Ladyship" Etiquette Guides By Caroline Taggart

Now obviously being the lady I am (cough), and having what is possibly an unhealthy interest in all things 'posh and polite', I was delighted to receive these lovely guides by Caroline Taggart.

Born in London of Scottish parents, Caroline spent most of her childhood in New Zealand but, nevertheless, thinks of herself as a Londoner.

We actually share something in common apart from our love of etiquette because as an English woman living in Wales since 1969  I have the same dilemma when it comes to which rugby team to support, as does Caroline when it comes to choosing between England and New Zealand.

These four guides are entitled:-

Her Ladyship's Guide to The Art of Conversation

Her Ladyship's Guide to Running One's Home 

Her Ladyship's Guide to The Queen's English (for all us grammar nazis out there)

Her Ladyship's Guide to The British Season

All are written in Caroline's inimitable style and peppered with funny anecdotes and helpful examples.

For example, from "The Art of Conversation"

Am I boring you?  If you have to ask the answer is probably "yes".

and

"A friend of Her Ladyship remembers fondly a snippet she heard in her student days: two Oxford dons were crossing a college quadrangle and one was heard to say firmly to the other "And nineteenthly..". Her Ladyship confesses to considerable admiration for anyone who can follow a train of thought so clearly that they can keep tabs on nineteen points of it."

The Queen's English is a helpful guide to spelling, grammar and pronunciation.  Her Ladyship also lists those cliches and words whose incorrect usage sets her teeth on edge such as:-

at the end of the day

touch base

slip through the net

up to speed

window of opportunity

Whilst being funny, this guide also has the effect of making you think before you open your mouth!

Running One's Home is a title which amuses the Husband no end as he is convinced I am a stranger to a duster and think Mr Sheen was once a famous motorcyclist.  

Obviously this is not true and I have many house spiders who will back me up on that but this guide is a useful collection of tips that even those of us who haven't quite made it to a mansion can use.

There's a housekeeping schedule, advice on spring-cleaning, coping with laundry (it never ends!) and being a good hostess.

Her Ladyship also advises that your cheese course should be served before pudding if you are adhering to "the French way" but you need to make sure you don't overdo the Brie just in case an enormous Eton Mess should appear.  Quite a nice problem to have in my view.

Lastly, there's "The British Season".  Here in Wales we have two seasons - the Rugby Season and the Rainy Season, however, this guide lists the Great British events which get the aristocracy out to sluice down Prosecco whilst wearing tailored jackets.

For example The Chelsea Flower Show, Glyndebourne, Royal Ascot, Wimbledon, Cowes Week and so forth.

It also tells you how to behave giving you, for example, the rules for dressing should you be lucky enough to gain access to the Royal Enclosure at Ascot.

I can but dream.

Her Ladyship's Guides are published by Batsford Books (an imprint of Pavilion Books) at £8.99 each. They are stout little hardback books with a nice, almost cloth covering and would make a great present for Mother's Day too.

If you would like to win the set of the four books mentioned above, simply enter via the Rafflecopter widget in the usual way.  Terms and conditions apply.  UK entrants only and the giveaway ends at 11:59 pm on Tuesday 28 February.



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Good luck!

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My Problem Page Edition 5 2017

This week I'm talking about whether you've been relegated to the friendzone when your boyfriend starts swearing around you and why you don't always get that phone number, no matter how gorgeous you are.

If you would like any advice, feel free to treat me as your agony aunt. Just message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.

Here are this week's questions.

Q: Is almost 5 days too long for a guy to text and ask a girl out after 2 nice long dates? Does that mean he doesn't want anything serious?

A: Well, there are two possibilities here. 

Firstly, he isn’t all that keen. 

Secondly, he’s playing hard to get or he’s busy with other things at the moment. 

Is there anything stopping you from texting him? It is 2017 you know. 

His response will tell you all you need to know. 

If you want to keep waiting then busy yourself with other things. 

Your time is too valuable, surely, to spend hanging around waiting for the phone to buzz.

Q: Why wouldn't a girl give her number when I asked? 

I met this girl and we talked for about 45 minutes. We had a great conversation and laughed a lot. I'm good looking. (I'm not bragging. I'm told this a lot and frequently get whistled at in public). I have also been given loads of phone number previously, but I can't figure out why she wouldn't give me her number.

A: There’s more to being attractive than just being good looking. 

For whatever reason, despite the fact you had a great conversation, she wasn’t interested. 

Did you find out if she already had a partner? Or kids? 

Do you think you might have come across too pushy or over-confident? That can be a real turn off for some people. 

If you already have a lot of phone numbers, do you think she might have suspected you’re a player? 

That’s not particularly attractive either. 

It doesn’t sound like your struggling for female attention though. I think this is just ‘one of those things’.

Q: I have been there for my boyfriend for 4 years and helped through everything. Now everything is good for him he is leaving me? I don't understand. Why?

A: I am really sorry to hear this and I can understand you feel this is really unfair. 

The hard truth is that people can fall out of love, no matter how nice and kind their partner is. I don’t think anything you did, or didn’t do, would have made a difference. 

Some relationships just fizzle out. 

When you say ‘everything is good for him’, do you mean he has a job, money, happier family relationships, someone else? 

You also don’t say how old you are. Sometimes one partner grows and matures faster than the other and, to use the cliche, wants different things. 

This is particularly common I believe with younger relationships, out of school and college for example. 

If you have been supporting him financially or in any other way to the detriment of your own health and happiness, now is the time to say “you have chosen to continue without me so off you go”.

It’s time to look after yourself now and to look for someone with whom you will grow into the future and who will appreciate all you do for them. 

Don’t be a doormat any longer.

Q: Is it good for a boyfriend to console his girlfriend all the time? 

I’ve just had a girlfriend for over one month now. She is a moody girl. Sometimes, she gets angry with me for no reason. I am always the one who try to make things right. Sometimes, I feel tired. Moreover, I wonder if that will spoil her as she know that I will always try to console her.

A: Since you’ve only been together for a month, it’s not a good sign that she’s moody and angry with you. 

She’s behaving like a child and you worry that you will ‘spoil her’ which will only serve to reinforce her childish behaviour. 

If it is something you are doing that is upsetting her - and you know that your behaviour is bad - for example being late, disrespectful, flirting with other girls, then I can see she might be moody but otherwise it sounds like she has problems. 

Does she suffer from depression or any kind of personality disorder? If so, then tread carefully - she may need more help than you can give her. 

Otherwise I would be tempted to look for someone who doesn’t make you feel bad and uncomfortable all the time.

Q: If a guy uses colourful words around a woman and is generally comfortable in her presence, does this mean he has "friendzoned" her?

A: It depends how long he has known her - and whether she is in a serious relationship with him. 

If you have just started dating and he is relaxed but swearing, then it does sound as if he is comfortable in your presence. 

If you object to the swearing than simply tell him. His reaction to that will give you a much clearer idea of where you really stand. I hate swearing and whilst I understand occasionally you can’t help it, if every sentence contains an obscenity I’d have to say something. 

Don’t you want to be treated like a lady? 

A better clue to whether you are in the ‘friendzone’ is the amount of physical contact there is between you. If there’s no hugging, kissing or attempts to be physically close then it’s pretty clear there’s very little interest.

How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.

Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.

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