Red is the colour to wear this festive season and it makes a refreshing change from being one in a sea of little black dresses.
Best of all, lots of these are reduced in the sales.
Wednesday, 28 December 2016
Tuesday, 27 December 2016
Will You Let Your Kids Stay Up To See The New Year In?
Now this is something that tends to polarise parents. There's the "it's only one night and they can sleep in tomorrow" crowd and the "you have to be joking, keeping them up that late is abuse" crowd.
I tend to fall in between the two camps. Having seen the effect, though, of lack of sleep on my two (now 9 and 7), I'm not entirely sure that keeping them up to see in something which has very little meaning at that age makes a whole heap of sense.
We took our two to see the fabulous Mary Poppins at Wales Millennium Centre this week (highly recommend it) and because we were slow to book (as usual), could only get tickets for an evening performance.
The kids had an 'enforced nap' early afternoon much to their chagrin but it did mean that they were brighter and I think enjoyed the show more. There were other kids there but quite a few had fallen asleep in their parents' arms. Sweet, but a waste of a quite expensive ticket.
Do kids really want to be partying with a house full of tipsy (or worse) adults? Actually, I suppose it's no different on Christmas Day really, is it?
It's probably fine if you're not doing anything on New Year's Day but if you are going visiting with a hangover and unruly, knackered kids it's not going to be much fun is it? Either for you or your hosts.
Perhaps the solution is to have a mini New Year's Eve celebration before the kids go to bed. A special story and a snuggle to plan all the lovely adventures they can have next year? There's no reason why you can't all sing "Auld Lang Syne" before they go to bed, is there?
I would far rather start the New Year off in a relatively calm and peaceful fashion rather than with the sounds of morning to night bickering, tears and door slamming (the joys of living with a tween).
So I asked my fellow parenting bloggers what they did and, as usual, they had some brilliant advice to offer.
Sally: I let mine stay up until midnight once they reached about 10. Now they are 15 and 13, they stay up a little later than that. We have an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve, and then a quiet day and an early night on 1st Jan! www.sallyakins.com
Lauren: I'm taking mine to a kid friendly rave where everyone celebrates midnight at 6pm. Home and in bed by 8pm none the wiser! They're 1 and 3. belledubrighton.co.uk
Katie: My daughter has additional needs and cannot cope with disruption or lack of sleep so we have a fake midnight much earlier in the evening, with the previous year's Big Ben fireworks on TV! Much easier than an overtired grotty child to start the year! www.livinglifeourway.com
Amy: We don't even stay up to welcome the new year in anymore, my pair are 5 and 8. If we did the 5 year old wouldn't last past bedtime (8pm) and the 8 year old would out last us all. I swear she doesn't need sleep. www.epsandamy.co.uk
Charlotte: Our son is almost 5 and he stays up, he has insane amounts of stamina and if we are all staying in we might as well see in the new year together. (You can find Charlotte's post about just this topic here at The Mummy Toolbox.)
Cathryn: My children are 7, 5 and 2 and so far have not stayed up until midnight. We get together with other families with young children and bring the celebrations forward a few hours - start about 4pm, food and drinks about 5pm, party games and then we go outside about 7pm and all sing Auld Lang Syne then. We also then usually watch the Sydney celebrations on YouTube or record it from earlier in the day, as they are obviously ahead of us. The kids usually last until about 9pm and the other families head home then. www.cardiffmummysays.com.
Melly: Mine are 11, 10, 7 and 3. I put them to bed with the threat if they don't go to bed nicely I won't wake them for midnight. At ten to midnight I wake them and they go back to bed around 12.30. Works fine. If they sleep in a bit I don't mind. www.bridgefamilyabridged.com.
Amanda: My two boys are 10 & 4 (5 in Feb) and they have strict bedtimes most of the year. However, as we always go to a family party with all of our local friends with kids, we go for dinner then they stay up as long as they can last. If the younger one is tired my husband takes him back home early but he loves it and the excitement of partying with their friends carries them both through. The key thus far has been him having a sleep in the car earlier in the day as we are out and about but this won't last much longer. We have a lovely lie in the next day followed by a brisk walk and a huge lunch. Works for us! www.ginger-mum.com
I think I'm going to have to be more creative and get the party going a bit earlier in the day! How do you celebrate the New Year with your little ones?
Whatever you do this New Year's Eve, I hope you enjoy it - and have a peaceful New Year's Day!
I tend to fall in between the two camps. Having seen the effect, though, of lack of sleep on my two (now 9 and 7), I'm not entirely sure that keeping them up to see in something which has very little meaning at that age makes a whole heap of sense.
We took our two to see the fabulous Mary Poppins at Wales Millennium Centre this week (highly recommend it) and because we were slow to book (as usual), could only get tickets for an evening performance.
The kids had an 'enforced nap' early afternoon much to their chagrin but it did mean that they were brighter and I think enjoyed the show more. There were other kids there but quite a few had fallen asleep in their parents' arms. Sweet, but a waste of a quite expensive ticket.
Do kids really want to be partying with a house full of tipsy (or worse) adults? Actually, I suppose it's no different on Christmas Day really, is it?
It's probably fine if you're not doing anything on New Year's Day but if you are going visiting with a hangover and unruly, knackered kids it's not going to be much fun is it? Either for you or your hosts.
Perhaps the solution is to have a mini New Year's Eve celebration before the kids go to bed. A special story and a snuggle to plan all the lovely adventures they can have next year? There's no reason why you can't all sing "Auld Lang Syne" before they go to bed, is there?
I would far rather start the New Year off in a relatively calm and peaceful fashion rather than with the sounds of morning to night bickering, tears and door slamming (the joys of living with a tween).
So I asked my fellow parenting bloggers what they did and, as usual, they had some brilliant advice to offer.
Sally: I let mine stay up until midnight once they reached about 10. Now they are 15 and 13, they stay up a little later than that. We have an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve, and then a quiet day and an early night on 1st Jan! www.sallyakins.com
Lauren: I'm taking mine to a kid friendly rave where everyone celebrates midnight at 6pm. Home and in bed by 8pm none the wiser! They're 1 and 3. belledubrighton.co.uk
Katie: My daughter has additional needs and cannot cope with disruption or lack of sleep so we have a fake midnight much earlier in the evening, with the previous year's Big Ben fireworks on TV! Much easier than an overtired grotty child to start the year! www.livinglifeourway.com
Amy: We don't even stay up to welcome the new year in anymore, my pair are 5 and 8. If we did the 5 year old wouldn't last past bedtime (8pm) and the 8 year old would out last us all. I swear she doesn't need sleep. www.epsandamy.co.uk
Charlotte: Our son is almost 5 and he stays up, he has insane amounts of stamina and if we are all staying in we might as well see in the new year together. (You can find Charlotte's post about just this topic here at The Mummy Toolbox.)
Cathryn: My children are 7, 5 and 2 and so far have not stayed up until midnight. We get together with other families with young children and bring the celebrations forward a few hours - start about 4pm, food and drinks about 5pm, party games and then we go outside about 7pm and all sing Auld Lang Syne then. We also then usually watch the Sydney celebrations on YouTube or record it from earlier in the day, as they are obviously ahead of us. The kids usually last until about 9pm and the other families head home then. www.cardiffmummysays.com.
Melly: Mine are 11, 10, 7 and 3. I put them to bed with the threat if they don't go to bed nicely I won't wake them for midnight. At ten to midnight I wake them and they go back to bed around 12.30. Works fine. If they sleep in a bit I don't mind. www.bridgefamilyabridged.com.
Amanda: My two boys are 10 & 4 (5 in Feb) and they have strict bedtimes most of the year. However, as we always go to a family party with all of our local friends with kids, we go for dinner then they stay up as long as they can last. If the younger one is tired my husband takes him back home early but he loves it and the excitement of partying with their friends carries them both through. The key thus far has been him having a sleep in the car earlier in the day as we are out and about but this won't last much longer. We have a lovely lie in the next day followed by a brisk walk and a huge lunch. Works for us! www.ginger-mum.com
I think I'm going to have to be more creative and get the party going a bit earlier in the day! How do you celebrate the New Year with your little ones?
Whatever you do this New Year's Eve, I hope you enjoy it - and have a peaceful New Year's Day!
Will Your Life Be Better With These 50 "Pearls of Wisdom"?
As we approach New Year I'm sure we'll read many articles about how to improve our life - whether by reinventing ourselves into the person we think we'd like to be, or by adopting life hacks.
I love a good list and this one was put together by the Skipton Building Society whose researchers asked 1000 people aged over 65 and in retirement to pass on their advice to the younger generations.
As you might expect, being sensible with money is a dominant theme! For example, "don’t go into business with family, avoid lending money you’re likely to need back and never let the sun set on an argument with friends".
Here's what else the survey discovered:
"Among the basic financial common-sense advice such as pay off debts rather than spending money on luxury items and try to pay off your mortgage as early as you can, are nuggets such as save the long working hours until the children fly the nest, and spend quality time with grandparents as they won’t be there forever.
Retirees also cite the importance of doing something every day that makes you happy, and trying not to worry about what other people think.
All great advice and easier said than done but the point is we have the luxury of time to at least try some of these.
The over-65s can look back on mistakes they have made and opportunities they’ve missed during the first two thirds of their life, and try to encourage their children and grandchildren to follow a different path.
When it comes to finances, retirees are brimming with useful tips for youngsters – such as plan for retirement rather than burying your head in the sand.
‘Spend some, save some’ is also advice commonly passed down by people over the age of 65 – with many feeling you should holiday as much as you can, while you can.
Retirees are quick to suggest people should start saving at a young age, and recommend people don’t lend money they may need back.
In relationships, elderly respondents believe you should marry someone who makes you laugh, and make sure you stick by old friends even when making new.
Those in retirement also say you should never rely on just one or two close friends – create a network of many, and when it comes to keeping friendships, never go into business together.
Never give relationship advice as you’ll always be wrong, keeping a happy wife means having a happy life and continue having date nights after having children are also top relationship tips.
The top 50 Pearls of Wisdom also includes some practical guidance for those who haven’t yet reached retirement – such as always trust your gut feeling, always lose gracefully and be persistent.
Retirees also recommend flossing regularly as dental problems are awful, make friends with the neighbours and only pack what you can carry yourself. I can second that one!
Pursuing hobbies and interests outside of work, trying to secure a job which you enjoy and treating yourself once in a while are also things retirees have learned are important over the years.
Older generations are also keen for people to ensure their children know the value of money, and also encourage them to teach their children how to budget from an early age.
The study shows 51 per cent of retirees polled do have some regrets about their working years – of these, 19 per cent wish they’d worked fewer hours and four in 10 wish they’d made more of an effort to pursue their dreams.
A further three in 10 people wished they’d created a better work life balance, while 45 per cent would have put more of their earnings aside into savings if they could turn back time.
Now in retirement, 17 per cent are struggling with money, while 28 per cent say their health is their biggest concern.
More than half of retirees look at younger members of their own family now and wish they would start taking their family more seriously."
TOP 50 WORDS OF WISDOM
I love a good list and this one was put together by the Skipton Building Society whose researchers asked 1000 people aged over 65 and in retirement to pass on their advice to the younger generations.
As you might expect, being sensible with money is a dominant theme! For example, "don’t go into business with family, avoid lending money you’re likely to need back and never let the sun set on an argument with friends".
Here's what else the survey discovered:
"Among the basic financial common-sense advice such as pay off debts rather than spending money on luxury items and try to pay off your mortgage as early as you can, are nuggets such as save the long working hours until the children fly the nest, and spend quality time with grandparents as they won’t be there forever.
Retirees also cite the importance of doing something every day that makes you happy, and trying not to worry about what other people think.
All great advice and easier said than done but the point is we have the luxury of time to at least try some of these.
The over-65s can look back on mistakes they have made and opportunities they’ve missed during the first two thirds of their life, and try to encourage their children and grandchildren to follow a different path.
When it comes to finances, retirees are brimming with useful tips for youngsters – such as plan for retirement rather than burying your head in the sand.
‘Spend some, save some’ is also advice commonly passed down by people over the age of 65 – with many feeling you should holiday as much as you can, while you can.
Retirees are quick to suggest people should start saving at a young age, and recommend people don’t lend money they may need back.
In relationships, elderly respondents believe you should marry someone who makes you laugh, and make sure you stick by old friends even when making new.
Those in retirement also say you should never rely on just one or two close friends – create a network of many, and when it comes to keeping friendships, never go into business together.
Never give relationship advice as you’ll always be wrong, keeping a happy wife means having a happy life and continue having date nights after having children are also top relationship tips.
The top 50 Pearls of Wisdom also includes some practical guidance for those who haven’t yet reached retirement – such as always trust your gut feeling, always lose gracefully and be persistent.
Retirees also recommend flossing regularly as dental problems are awful, make friends with the neighbours and only pack what you can carry yourself. I can second that one!
Pursuing hobbies and interests outside of work, trying to secure a job which you enjoy and treating yourself once in a while are also things retirees have learned are important over the years.
Older generations are also keen for people to ensure their children know the value of money, and also encourage them to teach their children how to budget from an early age.
The study shows 51 per cent of retirees polled do have some regrets about their working years – of these, 19 per cent wish they’d worked fewer hours and four in 10 wish they’d made more of an effort to pursue their dreams.
A further three in 10 people wished they’d created a better work life balance, while 45 per cent would have put more of their earnings aside into savings if they could turn back time.
Now in retirement, 17 per cent are struggling with money, while 28 per cent say their health is their biggest concern.
More than half of retirees look at younger members of their own family now and wish they would start taking their family more seriously."
TOP 50 WORDS OF WISDOM
- Pay your bills and stay out of debt
- Pay off debts rather than spending money on luxury items
- Pay off your mortgage as early as you can
- Plan for retirement rather than burying your head in the sand
- Teach your own children how to budget from an early age
- Be kind
- Spend some, save some
- Teach your children the value of money
- Pursue hobbies and interests outside of work
- It’s okay to need help
- Don’t make decisions when you’re angry
- Treat yourself once in a while
- Spend more time with the children before they leave home
- Don’t complain about getting older: not everybody gets the privilege
- Start saving at a young age
- Manners maketh man
- Do something every day that makes you happy
- Try to not worry about what other think
- Travel / go on more holidays while you can afford it
- The most important person in your life is the person who agreed to share their life with you – treat them as such
- Neither a borrower nor a lender be
- Never lend money that you need back
- Make new friends but stick by the old ones
- Always trust your gut feeling
- Marry someone who makes you laugh
- Always lose gracefully
- Take criticism constructively
- Spend quality time with your grandparents as they won’t be there forever
- Don’t be in too much of a hurry to grow up
- Make sure you get a job doing what you love
- Always sleep on a big decision
- Get to know your neighbours
- To thine own self be true
- Never let the sun set on an argument with friends
- Start thinking about your retirement before your boss does
- Never go into business with family or friends
- Happy wife = happy life
- Don’t work long hours, save it for when the children have left home
- Nothing worth doing comes easy
- Only pack what you can carry yourself
- Be persistent
- Do what you can to live close to your grandchildren
- Floss regularly, dental problems are awful
- Always avoid inconveniencing others
- Never give up what you want most for something you want now
- Don’t rely on one or two close friends, create a network of many
- Never give relationship advice – you’ll always be wrong
- Continue date nights with your partner after having children
- Never make someone a priority who only makes you an option
- Clean less
So there you have it. Do any of these resonate with you? Personally number 37 is a bit of a favourite and I've never had any trouble with number 50!
I guess the main takeaway from this which we should all remember is simply "life is shorter than you think".
Sunday, 25 December 2016
Top Tips for making it through ‘Dry January’
Every year I strongly consider becoming a "Dry Athlete" and giving up the booze for January. After all, Dry January is the perfect way for your body and wallet to recover from an indulgent Christmas, not to mention New Year celebrations.
By giving up your old friend alcohol for a mere 31 days, you will save a few quid, lose a few pounds, and feel more energised and refreshed in the process. But for some people that’s not as easy as it sounds. January has five whole booze free weekends to get through.
If, like me, you're considering giving your liver a well-earned break, here are some very helpful tips from Tugend Demir, restaurant manager at The Arch London in Marylebone.
1. Don’t hibernate
The worst thing you can possibly do is to hole yourself up in your house and attempt to hibernate. Make it your mission to get up and make the most of your hangover free weekends and mornings. Plan activities you would never normally get round to at times you would never usually be up.
2. Ditch cocktails for detoxing mocktails
Don’t settle for plain old tap water when you go out. Drinking mocktails is a great way to get through dry January, as you are still treating yourself to a luxurious drink, minus the calories and headache the next morning. For example, at The Arch London you can try Seedlip, the world’s first distilled non-alcoholic spirit, which has zero calories and is sugar, sweetener and artificial flavour-free.
3. Know your numbers
Read it and weep. A Pina Colada cocktail with rum has 644 calories. That’s more than a Big Mac burger. A pint of larger has 180 calories – more than a small slice of chocolate cake. And a large glass of white wine is 185 calories – the equivalent of 4 fish fingers. Calculate exactly how many calories you will save by ditching the booze – odds are you’ll be shocked by how many you can save.
4. Plan a holiday
Planning a holiday is the perfect way to motivate yourself during dry January. Putting all the money you’ve saved on booze into a ‘holiday piggy bank’ will be a visible inspiration to keep going, along with your shrinking waistline of course. Win, win.
5. Recruit a partner in crime
Your driathlon will be about a million times easier if you have a least one of your friends on board the good ship sensible. You’ll have a sober partner in crime to go out with and look suitably smug while your other friends are being drunken idiots around you.
6. Get drunk on love
Replace visiting your old friend alcohol with seeing real actual people that you care about. Arrange to go and see that old friend you’ve been meaning to visit, visit your parents, or make time for your partner. Booking a romantic city break is the perfect idea as it takes you away for a weekend of relaxation, and no pressure to go to the pub with your friends.
7. Try a new type of exercise
Taking up a new exercise for the month will boost your levels of serotonin plus giving you something else to focus on. Try a ‘Ravercise’ classes – think daytime clubbing without the booze – for your dancing hit while staying firmly on the wagon.
8. Think positive
Don’t picture your month of sobriety as something negative. Think of it as something great you are achieving purely for yourself. Rather than focusing on denying yourself alcohol, envision your success and how happy you will be at the end of the month when you have reached your goal.
9. Tell Everyone
By telling everyone you are never drinking ever again (well, for January) will increase your chances of success. Why? Because your feelings of shame will be increased by about 98% if your friends or family catch you clutching a sneaky gin & tonic when you shouldn’t be.
10. Cut back, don’t cut out
If all else fails, simply cut back on your alcohol intake and set yourself an achievable goal per week. This will be much more easy to sustain and will certainly alleviate any January blues. There are also plenty of other ways to put goodness into your body, by upping your intake of fruit and vegetables, drinking more water, and taking supplements such as Milk Thistle which protect the liver from alcohol damage and premature ageing by helping to regenerate liver cells.
Will you be signing up for "Dry January" this year?
By giving up your old friend alcohol for a mere 31 days, you will save a few quid, lose a few pounds, and feel more energised and refreshed in the process. But for some people that’s not as easy as it sounds. January has five whole booze free weekends to get through.
If, like me, you're considering giving your liver a well-earned break, here are some very helpful tips from Tugend Demir, restaurant manager at The Arch London in Marylebone.
1. Don’t hibernate
The worst thing you can possibly do is to hole yourself up in your house and attempt to hibernate. Make it your mission to get up and make the most of your hangover free weekends and mornings. Plan activities you would never normally get round to at times you would never usually be up.
2. Ditch cocktails for detoxing mocktails
Don’t settle for plain old tap water when you go out. Drinking mocktails is a great way to get through dry January, as you are still treating yourself to a luxurious drink, minus the calories and headache the next morning. For example, at The Arch London you can try Seedlip, the world’s first distilled non-alcoholic spirit, which has zero calories and is sugar, sweetener and artificial flavour-free.
3. Know your numbers
Read it and weep. A Pina Colada cocktail with rum has 644 calories. That’s more than a Big Mac burger. A pint of larger has 180 calories – more than a small slice of chocolate cake. And a large glass of white wine is 185 calories – the equivalent of 4 fish fingers. Calculate exactly how many calories you will save by ditching the booze – odds are you’ll be shocked by how many you can save.
4. Plan a holiday
Planning a holiday is the perfect way to motivate yourself during dry January. Putting all the money you’ve saved on booze into a ‘holiday piggy bank’ will be a visible inspiration to keep going, along with your shrinking waistline of course. Win, win.
5. Recruit a partner in crime
Your driathlon will be about a million times easier if you have a least one of your friends on board the good ship sensible. You’ll have a sober partner in crime to go out with and look suitably smug while your other friends are being drunken idiots around you.
6. Get drunk on love
Replace visiting your old friend alcohol with seeing real actual people that you care about. Arrange to go and see that old friend you’ve been meaning to visit, visit your parents, or make time for your partner. Booking a romantic city break is the perfect idea as it takes you away for a weekend of relaxation, and no pressure to go to the pub with your friends.
7. Try a new type of exercise
Taking up a new exercise for the month will boost your levels of serotonin plus giving you something else to focus on. Try a ‘Ravercise’ classes – think daytime clubbing without the booze – for your dancing hit while staying firmly on the wagon.
8. Think positive
Don’t picture your month of sobriety as something negative. Think of it as something great you are achieving purely for yourself. Rather than focusing on denying yourself alcohol, envision your success and how happy you will be at the end of the month when you have reached your goal.
9. Tell Everyone
By telling everyone you are never drinking ever again (well, for January) will increase your chances of success. Why? Because your feelings of shame will be increased by about 98% if your friends or family catch you clutching a sneaky gin & tonic when you shouldn’t be.
10. Cut back, don’t cut out
If all else fails, simply cut back on your alcohol intake and set yourself an achievable goal per week. This will be much more easy to sustain and will certainly alleviate any January blues. There are also plenty of other ways to put goodness into your body, by upping your intake of fruit and vegetables, drinking more water, and taking supplements such as Milk Thistle which protect the liver from alcohol damage and premature ageing by helping to regenerate liver cells.
Will you be signing up for "Dry January" this year?
Thursday, 22 December 2016
My Problem Page - What Was I Asked In Week 51?
This week I'm talking about getting over people you don't find attractive, awful exes and whether it's bad luck to ask a woman the gender of her unborn child.
If you would like any advice, feel free to message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.
Here's this week's questions.
Q: How do I reject my awful ex?
He was the nightmare of my life. Manipulative, and always degrading women for very ridiculous reasons (eg. non virgins). One year later he is sweet talking me into getting back. I have such a strong urge to humiliate him for all the things he did, but should I just ignore him? Which is better?
A: If you give in to the urge to humiliate him then you are still, essentially, being manipulated by him.
He is still pulling your strings and you are still reacting to all the stupid things he did. I suspect if you tried to get revenge he’d just laugh, feel smug and think to himself “she still feels for me”.
He’s winning, though, isn’t he because you say he is sweet talking you into going back. And by the sounds of it you are strongly considering it.
Humiliating him to punish him won’t make any difference - whether you take him back or not. He’ll still have won.
I would move on and try to find someone who is mature enough to respect women - and you. I’d suggest you also need to boost your own confidence and self-esteem and work out why you think being with a man like this is worth one second of your time.
Q: I broke up with my ex because he did not understand the word no and he kept pushing boundaries. I still love him though. What should I do?
A: The central issue here seems to be a lack of respect from your boyfriend.
I am not sure what ‘boundaries’ you mean but I am really hoping you have not been coerced into any activity (particularly sexual) with which you are not comfortable, or which caused you pain.
If that is the case, do not go back and seek advice from friends and family. Or was the problem that your boyfriend kept flirting or behaving inappropriately with other women? It’s hard to tell from your question.
Only you can say whether the ‘boundaries’ you refer to were reasonable ones.
Sometimes we expect people to behave in a certain way just to keep us happy when, in reality, we have no right to make such a demand.
We cannot ever really ‘control’ another person because at some point they will resist and rebel.
No man wants a ‘mother’ as a romantic partner. If your boundaries were all about keeping your ex close to you and denying him basic freedoms then, if he loves you and you can relax the reins, perhaps there is some hope.
If, though, your ex treated you badly and showed you little respect, you need to develop a greater love and respect for yourself.
Bad boys always have an allure but ultimately that allure is a complete illusion.
Q: How can I forgive myself for letting someone emotionally abuse me repeatedly?
A: It’s not for you to forgive yourself. It is for the abusers to seek your forgiveness - and the fact that you feel you need to forgive yourself suggests that the abuse is still going on.
We all make decisions which aren’t necessarily in our best interest because we are swayed by love or by the desperate need to be liked.
I’d suggest that rather than berating yourself for just being human, you concentrate on building your strength so that you feel better about yourself.
When that happens you’ll be savvier and better at recognising when you are being abused. You’ll be able to say “no, that’s not acceptable and if you don’t like it there is no room for you in my life”.
Sometimes of course our worst abusers are friends and family and it is even tougher to stand firm and tell them that you won’t tolerate any more nonsense.
Is there anyone you can reach out to that you trust to talk things over? Could they be your eyes and ears - your early warning system if you like, to tell you when things need dealing with?
Others are far more adept at spotting when we are being badly treated than we are. I think you absolutely do not need to forgive yourself but you do need to work on making better choices - and that may mean cutting some ties.
Q: Is it love when he says he hasn't fallen for me but he really really likes me and calls me his queen?
We started talking about 2 weeks ago. He said he really likes me and finds me attractive. We met, held hands, hugged, he kissed my cheeks. I refused to kiss him because I'm confused if he is serious because he does all this and says he hasn't fallen for me. Is he playing me or do you think its serious?
A: I think he’s indulging in some heavy flirting but it does sound like he’s playing with you since he’s said he hasn’t fallen for you.
I wonder - did you ask that question directly though, after just 2 weeks? I think you might have come on too strong too soon.
Your best bet is to act more like a Queen - with a little coolness and even a little disdain. Make him chase you.
Watch to see if he is a nice person, a genuine person and is interested in you. Flirting is no proof of anything.
And I don’t care if it is nearly 2017. Lots of men prefer to do the chasing.
Q: How do I get over someone who isn't even attractive?
I haven’t dated this girl in 1 1/2 years and she’s constantly on my mind. I've had stronger feelings for other girls and honestly, I've treated this one like total garbage (bought presents for her friends, hit on her friends and roommates, made her deal drugs for me). What do I do? Its awful! I don’t deserve it.
A: There’s a hefty amount of denial in this question, isn’t there?
All our actions have consequences and sometimes come back to bite us.
You say she isn’t even attractive but you clearly are attracted to her - and you also enjoyed being unkind to her.
Is that the real issue?
You are feeling powerless in your own life and want someone to lord it over and control? Have you not found another girl who will put up with it?
I think your feelings are a smokescreen for the recognition that, unless you do something to change, you are going to end up a not very nice person - and alone.
If you are still taking drugs your obvious first step is to get help to kick the habit.
The motivational writer Anthony Robbins says that when we’re in a mess the first thing to do is to raise our standards (the book is “Awaken The Giant Within” and I suggest you read it). I’m sure there is a decent kind man in you but playing stupid games with girls in order to make yourself feel better is not going to make you happy.
Time to raise your standards.
Q: Is it "bad luck" to ask a pregnant woman about the gender of her unborn child?
A: No it isn’t bad luck but some more sensitive women may find the question intrusive because it might imply that one gender is preferable to the other.
Frankly, I wouldn’t object to the question “do you know what you’re having” but be prepared if the answer is a blunt “a baby”.
How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.
Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.
If you would like any advice, feel free to message me or pop a comment in the comment box at the end of this post. I promise to be gentle.
Here's this week's questions.
Q: How do I reject my awful ex?
He was the nightmare of my life. Manipulative, and always degrading women for very ridiculous reasons (eg. non virgins). One year later he is sweet talking me into getting back. I have such a strong urge to humiliate him for all the things he did, but should I just ignore him? Which is better?
A: If you give in to the urge to humiliate him then you are still, essentially, being manipulated by him.
He is still pulling your strings and you are still reacting to all the stupid things he did. I suspect if you tried to get revenge he’d just laugh, feel smug and think to himself “she still feels for me”.
He’s winning, though, isn’t he because you say he is sweet talking you into going back. And by the sounds of it you are strongly considering it.
Humiliating him to punish him won’t make any difference - whether you take him back or not. He’ll still have won.
I would move on and try to find someone who is mature enough to respect women - and you. I’d suggest you also need to boost your own confidence and self-esteem and work out why you think being with a man like this is worth one second of your time.
Q: I broke up with my ex because he did not understand the word no and he kept pushing boundaries. I still love him though. What should I do?
A: The central issue here seems to be a lack of respect from your boyfriend.
I am not sure what ‘boundaries’ you mean but I am really hoping you have not been coerced into any activity (particularly sexual) with which you are not comfortable, or which caused you pain.
If that is the case, do not go back and seek advice from friends and family. Or was the problem that your boyfriend kept flirting or behaving inappropriately with other women? It’s hard to tell from your question.
Only you can say whether the ‘boundaries’ you refer to were reasonable ones.
Sometimes we expect people to behave in a certain way just to keep us happy when, in reality, we have no right to make such a demand.
We cannot ever really ‘control’ another person because at some point they will resist and rebel.
No man wants a ‘mother’ as a romantic partner. If your boundaries were all about keeping your ex close to you and denying him basic freedoms then, if he loves you and you can relax the reins, perhaps there is some hope.
If, though, your ex treated you badly and showed you little respect, you need to develop a greater love and respect for yourself.
Bad boys always have an allure but ultimately that allure is a complete illusion.
Q: How can I forgive myself for letting someone emotionally abuse me repeatedly?
A: It’s not for you to forgive yourself. It is for the abusers to seek your forgiveness - and the fact that you feel you need to forgive yourself suggests that the abuse is still going on.
We all make decisions which aren’t necessarily in our best interest because we are swayed by love or by the desperate need to be liked.
I’d suggest that rather than berating yourself for just being human, you concentrate on building your strength so that you feel better about yourself.
When that happens you’ll be savvier and better at recognising when you are being abused. You’ll be able to say “no, that’s not acceptable and if you don’t like it there is no room for you in my life”.
Sometimes of course our worst abusers are friends and family and it is even tougher to stand firm and tell them that you won’t tolerate any more nonsense.
Is there anyone you can reach out to that you trust to talk things over? Could they be your eyes and ears - your early warning system if you like, to tell you when things need dealing with?
Others are far more adept at spotting when we are being badly treated than we are. I think you absolutely do not need to forgive yourself but you do need to work on making better choices - and that may mean cutting some ties.
Q: Is it love when he says he hasn't fallen for me but he really really likes me and calls me his queen?
We started talking about 2 weeks ago. He said he really likes me and finds me attractive. We met, held hands, hugged, he kissed my cheeks. I refused to kiss him because I'm confused if he is serious because he does all this and says he hasn't fallen for me. Is he playing me or do you think its serious?
A: I think he’s indulging in some heavy flirting but it does sound like he’s playing with you since he’s said he hasn’t fallen for you.
I wonder - did you ask that question directly though, after just 2 weeks? I think you might have come on too strong too soon.
Your best bet is to act more like a Queen - with a little coolness and even a little disdain. Make him chase you.
Watch to see if he is a nice person, a genuine person and is interested in you. Flirting is no proof of anything.
And I don’t care if it is nearly 2017. Lots of men prefer to do the chasing.
Q: How do I get over someone who isn't even attractive?
I haven’t dated this girl in 1 1/2 years and she’s constantly on my mind. I've had stronger feelings for other girls and honestly, I've treated this one like total garbage (bought presents for her friends, hit on her friends and roommates, made her deal drugs for me). What do I do? Its awful! I don’t deserve it.
A: There’s a hefty amount of denial in this question, isn’t there?
All our actions have consequences and sometimes come back to bite us.
You say she isn’t even attractive but you clearly are attracted to her - and you also enjoyed being unkind to her.
Is that the real issue?
You are feeling powerless in your own life and want someone to lord it over and control? Have you not found another girl who will put up with it?
I think your feelings are a smokescreen for the recognition that, unless you do something to change, you are going to end up a not very nice person - and alone.
If you are still taking drugs your obvious first step is to get help to kick the habit.
The motivational writer Anthony Robbins says that when we’re in a mess the first thing to do is to raise our standards (the book is “Awaken The Giant Within” and I suggest you read it). I’m sure there is a decent kind man in you but playing stupid games with girls in order to make yourself feel better is not going to make you happy.
Time to raise your standards.
Q: Is it "bad luck" to ask a pregnant woman about the gender of her unborn child?
A: No it isn’t bad luck but some more sensitive women may find the question intrusive because it might imply that one gender is preferable to the other.
Frankly, I wouldn’t object to the question “do you know what you’re having” but be prepared if the answer is a blunt “a baby”.
How would you have responded to these questions? I'd love to know. You can find more advice on my problem page.
Disclaimer: All materials included in this post are intended for informational purposes only. This post/information is not intended to and should not be used to replace medical or psychiatric advice offered by physicians or other health care providers. The author will not be liable for any direct, indirect, consequential, special, exemplary or other damages arising therefrom.
Wednesday, 21 December 2016
Win A Man's Suit From Dobell Menswear
After the Christmas festivities, it can be a bit of a relief to don our workwear again and prepare for a fresh new year.
We make our New Year's resolutions and determine that this year will see us become even more successful and what we wear definitely helps us to "walk the talk"!
In fact in a survey undertaken by car manufacturer Kia in 2014, when asked what made them feel confident, the top 10 list for women included: high heels, a little black dress, and designer perfume and for men the list included: a freshly shaved face, a new suit, and a nice smelling aftershave.
If you're looking to spruce up your man, there's nothing like a crisp new suit to make a statement and Dobell Menswear have kindly provided a man's suit for a lucky Mother Distracted reader.
Dobell menswear have created fine men’s suits, tuxedos and wedding suits for over 10 years, and create handsomely fitted suits and formalwear accessories, at great value - up to 50% cheaper than the high street.
They stock leading suit and shirt brands such as Paul Costelloe, Tommy Hilfiger, Noose & Monkey, Esprit, Lambretta, Paul Gross, and Alexander Dobell.
They also cater for men who want to look and feel correctly dressed when they’re attending black tie dinners, weddings, balls, business conferences or calendar events such as Glyndebourne and Ascot.
There's free standard delivery, and free UK returns, a next day delivery service, and international delivery. Their site offers on-site expert advice articles and sizing guides or, if you prefer, you can talk to their dedicated customer service team who are on hand to help from 9 am to 6 pm weekdays.
For a chance to win, just enter via the Rafflecopter widget below. Terms and conditions apply (please see my Competitions page). UK entrants only.
The prize is one Dobell branded man's suit in your preferred size (jacket and trousers).
The giveaway ends at 11:59 pm on Friday 13th January 2017.
a Rafflecopter giveaway Good luck!
We make our New Year's resolutions and determine that this year will see us become even more successful and what we wear definitely helps us to "walk the talk"!
In fact in a survey undertaken by car manufacturer Kia in 2014, when asked what made them feel confident, the top 10 list for women included: high heels, a little black dress, and designer perfume and for men the list included: a freshly shaved face, a new suit, and a nice smelling aftershave.
If you're looking to spruce up your man, there's nothing like a crisp new suit to make a statement and Dobell Menswear have kindly provided a man's suit for a lucky Mother Distracted reader.
Dobell menswear have created fine men’s suits, tuxedos and wedding suits for over 10 years, and create handsomely fitted suits and formalwear accessories, at great value - up to 50% cheaper than the high street.
They stock leading suit and shirt brands such as Paul Costelloe, Tommy Hilfiger, Noose & Monkey, Esprit, Lambretta, Paul Gross, and Alexander Dobell.
They also cater for men who want to look and feel correctly dressed when they’re attending black tie dinners, weddings, balls, business conferences or calendar events such as Glyndebourne and Ascot.
There's free standard delivery, and free UK returns, a next day delivery service, and international delivery. Their site offers on-site expert advice articles and sizing guides or, if you prefer, you can talk to their dedicated customer service team who are on hand to help from 9 am to 6 pm weekdays.
For a chance to win, just enter via the Rafflecopter widget below. Terms and conditions apply (please see my Competitions page). UK entrants only.
The prize is one Dobell branded man's suit in your preferred size (jacket and trousers).
The giveaway ends at 11:59 pm on Friday 13th January 2017.
a Rafflecopter giveaway Good luck!
Tuesday, 20 December 2016
Could You Use Your Negativity To Win?
It's that time of year when we find ourselves both reflecting on the year just past and the one to come. It's time to evaluate everything that has gone before, to take stock and to make some changes.
The problem with this, of course, is that, if we're not careful, our focus can be on all the bad events, the unhappy moments, the things we shouldn't have said and the things we should have done.
Clayton John Ainger, award-winning author of The Ego’s Code (£15.99, Panoma Press) shares why negativity is a powerful message from you, to you; a message to learn from rather than suppress you.
Because we all have this tendency to focus on the negative, we may find this causes so much uncertainty that we end up paralysed and end up doing nothing.
Clayton says that, as you change, your life changes. Rather than look at negativity as an obstacle, it is better to see it a fuel for change and one which can motivate you to make important changes so that you reveal the real you, the you that is often hidden away!
Here are his three quick tips to help you start banishing your negativity in 2017.
"1. Change the meaning of your negativity - Negativity is a natural and normal part of life, and is a valuable resource for change. By treating negativity as innately bad or wrong, we give it more power over us and increase its impact in our lives. Changing the meaning you give negativity and seeing it as something to serve you, rather than hinder you, allows you to approach uncomfortable and difficult situations in a new way, which enhances your ability to engage more fully with life.
2. Be Aware, Acknowledge and Act on your Negativity - It’s easy to allow ourselves to feel the weight of negativity. When we do this, our negativity anchors us to the past, causing us to literally relive our past in the here and now. In that moment, we are prevented from making any true progress in life. It becomes easier to bail out and accept failure rather than to push through and pursue success.
Instead of dismissing negativity or sweeping it aside, become aware of it, because awareness pulls you out of the past into the present.
Acknowledge and express gratitude for your negativity! You are about to learn something about yourself to help you in life.
You then have a choice; you can react, in a way that could harm you or someone else, or you can respond by consciously acting in a way that serves you for your highest good.
It is this state of being that make lasting changes, not short term fixes.
3. Set yourself up to WIN – Before I go into challenging situations, or have difficult conversations that may trigger my negativity I use my ‘WIN’ technique to calm my mind, calm my body and calm my emotions; I focus on my intention and outcome so that I feel confident to serve others and express my truth. Here is my WIN technique:
W: Walk and Breathe: Deep, controlled breathing helps you to calm down, bringing clarity about the situation. I always walk in a figure-eight; to access both sides of my brain - creativity and logic – and align my head and heart, powering up my intuition.
I: Intention: As you walk, focus on your intention and outcome from the situation. I spend a lot of time front-of-room speaking, engaging with senior leaders in business, working with customers from all walks of life so being clear about my intention and how I can serve my clients or my audience at the highest level is of the highest importance to me. Clarity and certainty of my outcomes brings confidence, puts me in the best mindset to help my clients win.
N: Nail it: Deliver, succeed and celebrate! So many people quickly move onto the next thing without thinking about what they just achieved. Celebrating your achievements helps you to get a sense of your real value and real self-worth. When you value yourself, others will automatically do the same. "
What do you think of Clayton's tips?
Personally I think it's far healthier to accept your negativity and to actively channel it, rather than make yourself miserable by trying to suppress it - and becoming even more negative in the process!
*contains affiliate links This blog has been verified by Rise: R4a73dbdbab58dab1df42dcaf7e8354ad
The problem with this, of course, is that, if we're not careful, our focus can be on all the bad events, the unhappy moments, the things we shouldn't have said and the things we should have done.
Clayton John Ainger, award-winning author of The Ego’s Code (£15.99, Panoma Press) shares why negativity is a powerful message from you, to you; a message to learn from rather than suppress you.
Clayton says that, as you change, your life changes. Rather than look at negativity as an obstacle, it is better to see it a fuel for change and one which can motivate you to make important changes so that you reveal the real you, the you that is often hidden away!
Here are his three quick tips to help you start banishing your negativity in 2017.
"1. Change the meaning of your negativity - Negativity is a natural and normal part of life, and is a valuable resource for change. By treating negativity as innately bad or wrong, we give it more power over us and increase its impact in our lives. Changing the meaning you give negativity and seeing it as something to serve you, rather than hinder you, allows you to approach uncomfortable and difficult situations in a new way, which enhances your ability to engage more fully with life.
2. Be Aware, Acknowledge and Act on your Negativity - It’s easy to allow ourselves to feel the weight of negativity. When we do this, our negativity anchors us to the past, causing us to literally relive our past in the here and now. In that moment, we are prevented from making any true progress in life. It becomes easier to bail out and accept failure rather than to push through and pursue success.
Instead of dismissing negativity or sweeping it aside, become aware of it, because awareness pulls you out of the past into the present.
Acknowledge and express gratitude for your negativity! You are about to learn something about yourself to help you in life.
You then have a choice; you can react, in a way that could harm you or someone else, or you can respond by consciously acting in a way that serves you for your highest good.
It is this state of being that make lasting changes, not short term fixes.
3. Set yourself up to WIN – Before I go into challenging situations, or have difficult conversations that may trigger my negativity I use my ‘WIN’ technique to calm my mind, calm my body and calm my emotions; I focus on my intention and outcome so that I feel confident to serve others and express my truth. Here is my WIN technique:
W: Walk and Breathe: Deep, controlled breathing helps you to calm down, bringing clarity about the situation. I always walk in a figure-eight; to access both sides of my brain - creativity and logic – and align my head and heart, powering up my intuition.
I: Intention: As you walk, focus on your intention and outcome from the situation. I spend a lot of time front-of-room speaking, engaging with senior leaders in business, working with customers from all walks of life so being clear about my intention and how I can serve my clients or my audience at the highest level is of the highest importance to me. Clarity and certainty of my outcomes brings confidence, puts me in the best mindset to help my clients win.
N: Nail it: Deliver, succeed and celebrate! So many people quickly move onto the next thing without thinking about what they just achieved. Celebrating your achievements helps you to get a sense of your real value and real self-worth. When you value yourself, others will automatically do the same. "
What do you think of Clayton's tips?
Personally I think it's far healthier to accept your negativity and to actively channel it, rather than make yourself miserable by trying to suppress it - and becoming even more negative in the process!
*contains affiliate links This blog has been verified by Rise: R4a73dbdbab58dab1df42dcaf7e8354ad
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